Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I go ahead with the wedding?

Asalam Alikum brothers and sisters,

I posted here few months ago and this post is related to the previous one:

Thank you for all your prayers. Things have been improving. My baby daughter is now 14 months, and allahamdulilla she is in great health, clever and a beautiful baby.

As I said, little by little things have been improving. We are getting married this year, inshallah. There has been a dramatic change in him. He has kept coming over time, but always stated that he would stop the visits and did not want the baby to know him. But time passed, and for the last 3-4 moths he is not repeating the same things. I told him over and over we should get married and make things fine. Finally he agreed, he also sees it is the right thing to do- and besides we love each other. It's been 2 and a half years we've know each other, and with our baby, this is the best.

Now the problem comes. He still keep us as a secret to his family and friends. Only one friend knows about me and the baby. As I didn't have a proper family myself, I deeply crave to have one now. Moreover I'm seriously learning about islam now, and my purpose is to have a good, religious family where the baby can be raised with good morals; and also to have more children.

But he is not ready to tell the truth yet. We are getting married in the local mosque, but we are not registering the marriage in the register's office because he is scared someone will find it out. Therefore, the marriage will not be legal, although for me it's perfectly ok to be married in front of Allah the Almighty. But the thing is, he keeps being scared of reactions from his family over in pakistan, people losing respect for him, and repercussions against his siblings whom he feels responsible for.

These things put me really off. How can I move forward to my goal of forming a family, when he is scared of even registering a marriage? I mean, my life and baby's life is on hold while he overcomes his fears. Plus, what if he never overcomes them and goes as a sheep to what his family dictates for him?

Please, I'm really confused on how to behave. Should I go ahead with the marriage, and keep praying that we can be a normal family with all the truth out there, or am I just wasting me and the baby's time??

Thank you,



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11 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alaikum,

    So your boyfriend still cant man up by marrying you and telling his family. Just think about it can you really live as his unknown wife? In public he wont admit your his wife when allegation comes. You are the one who is gonna suffer. And what if his family want him to go back home to get married, he probably run back home to get married.

    He is scared of his family, then he should have thought about it before sleeping around. He has a child he needs to be a role model, a protector for you and the child. But i dont see that happening. Tell him to openly tell his family. Dont be that mysterious women in the shadows. If he cant accept that, i suggest you dont marry him.

    ma salama..

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I skimmed through your previous posts and reading what you wrote today, it feels like he has not made any progress and you only percieve he has.

    I think you are settling for LESS than nothing and in fact, enabling him to continue this behavior.

    A man who is going to marry you in secret, not register the marriage (and I assume this is his first marriage) is not at all even remotely serious about you. I am sorry to say this, and I feel I am being harsh, but you do not need this type of man in your life and especially your child's life. This "man" is still scared of his mommy

    You are looking for a family and your hope is making you invest your emotions in something that isn't there.

    You sound like an educated and articulate young lady. Work hard for yourself and your daughter and seek help from Allah and Allah alone. If you REALLY want to help your boyfriend, straight up, tell his family about yourself.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, May Allah show you guidance and make your daughter an example of a perfect Muslimah, inn shaa Allah...May you find joy and happiness, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  3. If he has a child with you and is still afraid of his family....then tell him to go away and stop being a child himself.

    He wants a relationship, but can't be a man and be a husband and father. You marry him the day that he invites His Whole family, and publicly says this is my beautiful wife and my baby! Like it or not, here they are.

    If he does not do that, he is just using you and clearly is not mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

    Don't give men like this any chances sister, make your lines clear and don't let him use you.

  4. Sister also,

    How do you feel about being his secret wife?.....that is just so degrading.

    Can you imagine the day that he gets hounded by his parents as to why he is single and goes back home to visit and gets arranged to get married to a girl his parents choose. Then because he has no gall to say no to them,....and can't say that he is " secretly married" ...he then says yes I'll marry her. And he will have a wife in back home and you as his secret wife. And you as his secret wife have no rights.

    Sister, find someone that loves you and shouts it to the world, not keeps you as his secret hobby. He clearly is uncomfortable about you or your relationship and is not man enough to cut it off or fully embrace it.

  5. In Islam, marriage is by transparency not secrecy. There is no such thing as a secret marriage in Islam. It should be announced to family and the community.

    You have a baby. What if he leaves you? Unless you are legally married, you cannot enforce any type of spousal or child support obligations that serves to protect you and your child. He can basically get up and leave you again.

    How are you going to explain this secrecy to your child, once she is older?

    I know you are in a difficult spot right now, and I certainly do not want you to be alone and a single mother. But this person is trouble. Marriage is loved by Allah, and this man is hiding his marriage -- how is that in any way Islamic? Marriage is also a source of protection for a woman, and if a man fails in his obligations to his wife and children then the wife has certain rights -- how are you going to enforce those rights?

    If you are going to go ahead, you must speak to the person who will be performing the nikkah and tell him that the marriage will be in secret. See what he says. Also, make sure he issues some type of document or certificate that confirms that you have been married by him.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    From what you've written, I would have major concerns about this guy's ability to be a reliable husband and a strong head of household. He wants to keep you and your baby secret - what message does that send your child and how is that remotely respectful towards you? Islam teaches that men and women should respect each other and treat each other accordingly.

    He seems to be so concerned with what other people think, that he is neglecting the people in his life who he should be respecting and who he should want to have respect him, and ignoring Islamic teaching firstly by having a secret pre-marital relationship and then by trying to have a secret marriage. In Islam, marriage is to be celebrated and made public. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said that a key element of the walima is the beating of the drum, meaning that the marriage is made public and all can know that the couple are married.

    I'd suggest that if you are wanting to marry this guy, then insist that it needs to be a public marriage, with the knowledge of his family - and insist on it being legally registered in order to protect your rights and your baby's rights. If he's not prepared to do this, then you and your daughter deserve better.

    Midnightmoon editor

  7. I don't think he's being a man and standing up for you u deserve better give him an ultimatum either man up and take responsibility or leave and support your baby and you .

  8. Please reconsider about your marriage.

    As far as I see from your previous posts, he is not going to commit himself to his wife(you) and baby..Unfortunately, I had a very similar experience, sex before marriage (no pregnancy though. Ex husband said it's kinda ok because anyway he wanted to marry me. I was stupid then. ). celebrated public marriage following my conversion to Islam, two beautiful children, and he abandoned us suddenly one day, left me with two infants (3,1 years old at that time) .

    Later we learned that he remarried to a woman of his mum's age. That was his 2nd or 3rd "girl friend AKA soulmates " in my 4 year marriage. He stole his parent's money,did not support me and children financially, instead he bought luxury cars for his "hobby".

    He prays 5times a day, people around us thought he was a good,caring husband and father.At one point, he was a youth club leader in the local mosque.

    Now I'm tyring to hire a lawyer to sue him for not paying any maintenance for our children despite the Islamic court orders him (and family ) to do so. My non muslim family is furious over this, and I'm tired of all these justification in the name of ISLAM.

    Lesson I learnt is that not all muslims follow Islamic teachings, even if they have gone to HAJ or UMRAH many many times. I was betrayed by a HAJ, and a HAJJAH, and now left with two little children. All their lies to their family and neighbours hurt me so so much. I couldn't believe myself trusting their words just because they KNOW stuff about Islam.

    but they still force me to raise them as muslims (just because they are born with it) . My ex husband remarried and moved on. I work full time, morning till night, trying to give decent life to my children.

    If I utter a word of not wanting to provide Islamic life to chidren, they will simply take my kids away from me.That's it.

    If you want misery like myself,then go ahead.

    I pray that you will be strong enough to make a bold decision to protect yourself and most importantly, your baby girl.

    salaam..take care.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      I will assume you are Muslim as you stated that you reverted to Islam and ended your post with Salam.

      Sister, I am sorry for the troubles that you faced with the man that you chose. Having said that, premarital intimate relationships are not advocated for any major religion of the world so it is something that puts a woman in a very vulnerable situation. It is best to avoid it and when it happens, you have to take responsibility for your involvement--he was wrong for mistreating you (as you have described).

      I understand that your husband showed the world that he was religious. Sister, here is the thing, Islam is a vehicle by which we raise ourselves to the people who we should become through remembering Allah swt and abiding by His rules and regulations. Now if a driver crashes their car, do you blame the driver or the car? So please make sure you make the distinction between Muslims who make grave mistakes and what Islam teaches.

      Please teach your children Islam and don't focus on the mistakes of others. May Allah make it easier for you, Ameen.

      • Sister Saba, Thank you for your comment. I wish I didn't get involved with all those people who claim themselves as good, practicing muslims who fear Allah.
        I misunderstood everything and now I'm left with two innocent children who have no idea where their daddy has gone. I'm glad though I don't have to suffer anymore by getting calls from some women.

        I hope HE will show me the way to teach my kids something that I never really had a chance to learn during my marriage.
        My current house is way too far from Masjid and due to financial constraints, I can't commit myself and kids traveling that far every week for classes. I requested children's father to provide islamic classes through skype but all he said was" please take care of their Aqidah.I can't do anything. "

        I have no idea what to do. Probably I should let children choose what they want to believe, as faith is something very personal and everyone should be able to make own decisions later.

        Thank you again, May Allah bless you for helping me. I do understand what you are saying in theory.

  9. Hmmmmm dear please raise up for your young as you re. There shuldnt BE anythin lyk sceret marriage IN AFRICA WHEN YUR FAMILY RE TIRED OF YOU ND YOU UNDERGO THIS PROCESS...SAY NO TO THT

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