Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I have sex with him even though we aren’t married to each other?

Posted by • May 25, 2014 • Printer-friendly
Hadith about Zina

Hadith about Zina

Asalamu alaikum

Well I don't know how to put it but here is what my problem is.

I had a relationship with a guy. We both loved each other, we still do, we were together for 5 years, then he asked my parents so that we can get married but they refused giving the reason that he is not of the same caste. We really did try everything that we could to convince them but it didn't work.

I got engaged with some other guy and he got married to one of my friends. He says that he got married to my friend so that he can remain closer to me. Now I'm supposed to get married at the end of this year and he has been married for last 7 months but he claims that he has no marital relationship with his wife, he says that it's my right that I should have him first (means he wants to do sex with me first) , he says we can be together even if we are not married. I love him I know but I also know that what he is asking is forbidden in Islam.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford to lose him. Please help me. Should I listen to him and go for it?

chishmish


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21 Responses »

  1. Coffeegirl
    June 18, 2014 • 1:57 pm

    No please don't.

    Your case brings to mind something I heard once

    When Nikka is made hard then Zina will become common

    Sadly this is the case now a days .

    Reply
  2. Rami
    June 18, 2014 • 2:30 pm

    Becareful. He is obviously just trying to have sex with you and nothing more. I am sure you would like to believe that he didn't have a sexual relationship with his wife and he loves you but I am a guy and I am sure that is a lie. Unfortunately I took advantage of girls like you who saw nothing but love. I just wanted them for sex and I would say anything to have sex. That's how guys think and they can be very sweet but for one purpose. I stopped doing this when I got married and asked for forgiveness. He is just trying to rouin your future. This is a grave sin what he's asking and Allah decided to test you so don't fail this test because it will have deeper consequences than you think. The man is married you cannot go near him and it's not ok to have sex with a married man. Becareful very dangerous, you will hurt your friend and he may black mail you after once you open your eyes and find out it's too late.

    Wallah you are at the perfect position to walk away from this and look good to your lord. You came here for a reason and inshallah you will listen to our advise and get that man out of your life.

    Reply
    • RM
      June 18, 2014 • 10:11 pm

      Please please please don't do it! It will be your life's biggest regret when you're married and things are perfect between you and your husband,..You will look back at this and will hate yourself if you go ahead with this... I hope that you don't make this horrible horrible mistake...but if you do..there will be no way back. Don't do it. Don't even think about it. Please protect yourself. Save yourself for your husband.
      Tell this guy to stop contacting you and start focusing on your future with the man you are engaged to. Look forward to that and get this guy out of your mind.

      Good luck. Whatever you do...PLEASE Don't have sex with this guy. Once its done...its done and living with that regret will kill more then not having done it.

      Good luck.
      Stay safe
      May Allah watch over you and protect you.

      X

      Reply
  3. haydee
    June 18, 2014 • 2:53 pm

    salam this is forbidden as what the brother said above.may Allah make you stay away from haram and be steadfast in your deen. men would say anything just to get hat they want from you and leave you after.

    salam admin sorry if i will post this maybe some of brothers and sisters wanna help,may Allah reward those sincere muslim and forgive our sins ameen.

    please help me raise money for my uncle who is suffering this very moment he has been living with 2 failed kidney for the past 3 year everyday he is in pain and he and his family has sold everything they have just to lessen the pains with monthly blood transfusions and dialysis please give what you can anything help
    http://www.gofundme.com/ack4f8

    Reply
  4. Annoymous
    June 18, 2014 • 3:02 pm

    Salaam, I am not trying 2 be nasty, and forgive me if this hurts, their is no easier way 2 say this, are you crazy?, your not only ruining your own life, and his wife's life, but the life of the guy ur getting married 2 also. I understand it isn't your fault, ur parent won't allow u 2 get married, but now he's married let it be, you have 2 move on, and start afresh, think about it alhamdulliah Allah has blessed u with someone else, some people don't even get the chance 2 get married! You still got a chance 2 repent and not make this silly mistake, trust me u will regret it, and zina is a major sin, please don't forget that, Shaytan willl affect you, but stay strong, and please don't mind what I said, I don't mean 2 hurt u! Allah loves u, so keep on the straight path, and btw sister your probably thinking easier said then done, but seriously take the advice you find here in2 consideration, and in-sha-allah u will be rewarded!, xxx

    Reply
  5. Freshta
    June 18, 2014 • 3:33 pm

    Let me get this straight.

    The man tells you he married your friend to stay close to you?

    A married man is asking you to have sex with him and you're actually considering it?

    This man that has been married 7 months tells you he has no "marital relation" with his wife and you think it's true?

    You're afraid of losing a married man?

    You didn't have sex with him when you were together, now you're considering it when he's married?

    Sister, seems like you're seeking a way to make this halal. I'm sorry you had to go through the break up and heartache. Be thankful to Allah you didn't marry a man that would probably treat you the way he is treating his wife now.....

    Freshta

    Reply
  6. Abu Abdul Bari
    June 18, 2014 • 4:06 pm

    Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    This man has destroyed your friend's life and want to destroy yours as well. Do not listen to him; in fact, forget the idea of marrying him. A person who talks of having physical relationship before marriage wants only that; but marriage is much more than just that. I advise you to consider the man your parents have chosen, seriously. Insist meeting him and see if he is a good match, being unbiased about him; but don't take a step for which you will regret for the rest of your life and in the Aakhirah.

    You must know that zina is among the most dangerous sins we have been warned about. According to a hadith, those men and women who did zina in this world and were not forgiven will be punished severely in the Jahannam. In fact, Allah Has prescribed a punishment for zaanis (fornicators and adulterers) in this world as well. It is a serious issue, something that should not even be thought about, forget about doing it.

    Remember this hadith and keep it in your memory until you are overtaken by death:

    Narrated Samura bin Jundab ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : Whenever the Prophet finished the Fajr prayer, he would face us and ask, ``Who amongst you had a dream last night?'' So, if anyone had a dream he would narrate it. The Prophet would say: ‘‘ Mâ shâ'Allâh''. One day, he asked us whether anyone of us had a dream. We replied in the negative. The Prophet said, ``But I had seen (a dream) last night that two men came to me, caught hold of my hands, and took me to the Sacred Land. There, I saw a person sitting and another standing with an iron hook in his hand; pushing it inside the mouth of the former till it reached the jaw-bone, and then tore off one side of his cheek, and then did the same with the other side; in the meantime the first side of his cheek became normal again and then he repeated the same operation again. I said, `What is this?' They told me to proceed on, and we went on till we came to a man lying in a prone position, and another man standing at his head carrying a stone or a piece of rock, and crushing the head of the lying man with that stone. Whenever he struck him, the stone rolled away. The man went to pick it up and by the time he returned to him, the crushed head returned to its normal state and the man came back and struck him again (and so on). I said, `Who (what) is this?' They told me to proceed on; so we proceeded on and passed by a hole like Tannur (a kind of baking oven); with a narrow top and wide bottom, and the fire was kindling underneath that oven. Whenever the fire-flame went up, the people were lifted up to such an extent that they were about to get out of it, and whenever the fire abated, the people went down into it, and there were naked men and women in it. I said, `Who (what) is this?' They told me to proceed on. So, we proceeded on till we reached a river of blood and there was a man in it, and another man (was standing at its bank) with stones in front of him, the latter confronted the former who was in the river. Whenever the man in the river wanted to come out, the other one threw a stone in his mouth and caused him to retreat to his original position; and so whenever he wanted to come out the other would throw a stone in his mouth,' and he would retreat to his original position. I asked, `What is this?' They told me to proceed on, and we did so till we reached a well-flourished green garden having a huge tree and near its base was sitting an old man with some children. (I saw) another man near the tree with fire in front of him and he was kindling it up. Then they (i.e., my two companions) made me climb up the tree and made me enter a Dâr (abode, dwelling place, house, etc.), better than which I had never seen. In it were some old men and young men, women and children. Then they took me out of this house and made me climb up the tree and made me enter another Dâr that was better and superior (to the first) containing old and young people. I said to them (i.e., my two companions), `You have made me go around all the night. Tell me all about that I have seen.' They said, `Yes. As for the one whose cheek you saw being torn away, he was a liar and he used to tell lies, and the people would report those lies on his authority till they spread all over the world. So, he will be punished like that till the Day of Resurrection. The one whose head you saw being crushed is the one whom Allâh had given the knowledge of the Qur'ân (i.e. knowing it by heart), but he used to sleep at night (i.e., he did not recite it then) and did not use to act upon it (i.e., upon its orders etc.) by day; and so this punishment will go on till the Day of Resurrection. And those whom you saw in the hole (like oven) were adulterers (those men and women who commit illegal sexual intercourse). And those whom you saw in the river of blood were those dealing in Ribâ (usury). And the old man who was sitting at the base of the tree was Ibrâhim (Abraham) ﻋﻠﻴﻪ اﻟﺴﻼﻡ and the little children around him were the offspring of the people. And the one who was kindling the fire was Mâlik, the gate-keeper of the Hell-fire. And the first Dâr in which you entered was the house of the common believers, and the second Dâr was of the martyrs. I am Jibril (Gabriel) and this is Mikâel (Michael). Raise your head.' I raised my head and saw a thing like a cloud over me. They said, `That is your place.' I said, `Let me enter my place.' They said, `You still have some life which you have not yet completed, and when you complete (that remaining portion of your life) you will then enter your place.' ’’ Sahih al Bukhari

    According to another hadith, a man asked the Messenger Sallallahu Alahi Wasallam for permission to do zina; here's what happened:

    Imam Ahmad recorded Abu Umamah saying that a young man came to the Prophet and said,"O Messenger of Allah! Give me permission to commit Zina (unlawful sex).'' The people surrounded him and rebuked him, saying, "Stop! Stop!'' But the Prophet said,

    «ادْنُه»
    (Come close)

    The young man came to him, and he said

    ,«اجْلِس»
    (Sit down)

    so he sat down. The Prophet said,

    «أَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُمِّك»
    (Would you like it (unlawful sex) for your mother)

    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''

    The Prophet said,

    «وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأُمَّهَاتِهِم»
    (Neither do the people like it for their mothers.)

    The Prophet said,

    «أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِابْنَتِكَ؟»
    (Would you like it for your daughter)

    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''

    The Prophet said,

    «وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِبَنَاتِهِم»
    (Neither do the people like it for their daughters. )

    The Prophet said,

    «أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُخْتِكَ؟»
    (Would you like it for your sister)

    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''

    The Prophet said,

    «وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأَخَوَاتِهِم»
    (Neither do the people like it for their sisters.)

    The Prophet said,

    «أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِعَمَّتِكَ؟»
    (Would you like it for your paternal aunt)

    He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.''

    The Prophet said,

    «وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِعَمَّاتِهِم»
    (Neither do the people like it for their paternal aunts.)

    The Prophet said,

    «أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِخَالَتِكَ؟»
    (Would you like it for your maternal aunt)

    He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.''

    The Prophet said,

    «وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِخَالَاتِهِم»

    (Neither do the people like it for their maternal aunts.)

    Then the Prophet put his hand on him and said,

    «اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ ذَنْبَهُ، وَطَهِّرْ قَلْبَهُ، وَأَحْصِنْ فَرْجَه»
    (O Allah, forgive his sin, purify his heart and guard his chastity.)

    After that the young man never paid attention to anything of that nature.

    A man who can destroy one woman's life for relations with another, he can destroy the life of the woman for whom he betrayed the first one. Fear Allah and look at your Aakhirah.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    Reply
  7. Saba
    June 18, 2014 • 6:43 pm

    Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I believe Br. Rami and Br. Abu Abdul Bari said it best...listen to them.

    The way this man is inviting you to sin is a treacherous way to live.

    May Allah protect us from such people...May All protect you form this man. Ameen.

    I suggest you completely ignore him, do not talk to him at all, and move on with your life.

    Reply
  8. midnightmoon
    June 18, 2014 • 8:29 pm

    Assalaamualaikam

    You know that what he is suggesting is wrong. He is suggesting that you disobey Allah, betray your friend, betray the man you are due to marry, and betray your own honour and integrity - For what? To have sex with a guy who has no intention of marrying you?

    If he had been worthy of your time and respect, he would have tried to convince your parents that they were wrong to reject his proposal, and could have sought advice from an imam or respected member of the community to help him explain that the caste system has no place in Islam. Instead, he's married someone else.

    Now that he is a married man, you need to cut all contact with him, as all he is doing in your life is creating confusion and temptation. He has already all but told you that the best you could hope for with him would be to become the "other woman", by saying that the two of you can be together outside of marriage. As Islam permits men to have more than one wife (so long as they treat their wives equally well), he would even have had the option of suggesting you become his second wife, but he hasn't even proposed that.

    Instead of allowing this guy to cause you more problems, leave this mess behind you and look to the future. Repent for what has happened and work on strengthening your faith so that you are less likely to be tempted by such things from now on.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    Reply
  9. Samina
    June 18, 2014 • 8:37 pm

    Please DON'T DO IT
    HAVE SELF RESPECT FOR YOURSELF
    Move on cut all contact with the married man
    Marry the rishta you got and count your BLESSINGS
    This man is having sex with his wife and he is just using you. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP YOU WILL REGRET IT.
    Open your eyes YOU ARE BEING PLAYED.
    Don't listen to the married man it is HARAAM.
    Marry the other guy and this is HALAAL
    May Allah guide you inshAllah

    Reply
  10. SVS
    June 18, 2014 • 9:32 pm

    Why are you still communicating with each other. Guy is trying to make you feel important to get some sex from you. On one level you want to do it too irrespective of what is happening between him and his wife. You know consequences of doing this can have a big impact on your life. You will always feel guilty about this and afraid your husband will find out about this.

    Once you have sex with him it may lead to more sex over months and years.

    Not worth it.

    Reply
  11. hashim
    June 19, 2014 • 5:41 am

    sister
    it is crystal clear that it is forbidden in Islam... in duniya in akhirah it will not give any good.....and you know it....the good thing is that you havent done it....you paused...dat is a good sign...dats vy you asked dis question.....Alhamdulillah....Allah is with you....Allah's rahma is with you... only thing you want to do it is dont spoil it....pray to Allah to guide you in the same straight direction....

    Reply
  12. Azizlovesyou
    June 19, 2014 • 3:57 pm

    well said rami.. and its true dat we say anything like they r the whole world to us, jst for x and in the deep heart she'l b nothing to us. and we repect those girls, who keep their modesty and well behaviour. and u chishmish, u r brain washed , u not only brake ur lyf, bt also ur frnds. and still u wanna to b with him, go a head but pls don't waste a guy's ( the one u r engaged to) lyf.

    Reply
  13. Remaindesirable
    June 19, 2014 • 7:14 pm

    He is giving you lot of importance that is what is attracting you towards him. You are still desirable for him because he was unable to have you.
    If you do not want to loose him( as indicated in your post) break all contacts by simple goodbye and he will keep on fantasizing and desiring you forever.
    If you will submit to his desires he will use you and you will loose him forever by loosing your value.

    Beautiful pure life is ahead of you. You can behave foolish and loose every one including your lover by following his wishes. Ultimate choice is yours.

    Key to your well being is 100% NO CONTACT with him. It will be hard for few months initially but latter when you will look back you will take a breath of great relieve and contentment over your decision .

    Reply
  14. Iraqigirl
    June 20, 2014 • 2:05 am

    Hello, Please Please don't believe this men lies he will only use you for sex and move on to his wife he is a lier all guys do thess days is a lier must of them. A female and how dare a guy even look at me or lie to me to use me marsallah your body should only be your husband nobody else!! Sister respect yourself please he is married shame on him I have no no respect for men's like him. Good luck pray to Allah to keep you far far away.

    Reply
  15. kal
    June 20, 2014 • 12:10 pm

    I had the same offer..apparently it was some unwritten 'right'...i said no....he will basically have sex with you...you lose what they call 'purity'...and he walks away ... you are at a loss twice over...no marriage and you lose what you protected for soo many years...get married...or say your good byes...

    Not to mention....the punishment is 100 lashes....so if you want to lose your purity, lose the guy and get 100 lashes.....go for it lol

    Reply
  16. umou Yusef
    June 20, 2014 • 3:31 pm

    Are you for real???? I don't know if you are serious, but if you are then I have just one sentence for you.... Your desires are your jihad and you need to battle them before its too late
    May Allah protect us Ameen

    Reply
  17. SVS
    June 20, 2014 • 3:44 pm

    Kal: I had the same offer..apparently it was some unwritten ‘right’…i said no….he will basically have sex with you

    You had a close friend who made you an offer.

    Talking about purity, they have been in RELATINSHIP for 5 years.

    Reply
  18. Javed
    July 12, 2014 • 8:25 am

    Sister, its simple as this. He has tasted one pie and now wants to taste another, Sorry for being blunt. Ball is in ur court now. U must realize how he can be halal.. This man (son of .....) after getting married is as haram for u as u are for him.

    There is a real story which happened about 4 or 5 years ago in our part of the world . A man brought one of his friends , a police officer to his home and told his young wife to have sex with him. She said O.K, the husband went back to his friend and informed him that my wife will be with u in a few minutes. She took out her husband's gun and shot both of them, including her husband, in the guest room and emptied the chamber of of all the bullets in the gun . She became a heroin and all the people in the city law courts where the case was tried, complimented and applauded her.

    Now I know u cannot act as boldly as her because ur circumstances are different, but at least u should realize what the punishment is for it in Shariah in this dunya and how u would look before ALLAH SWT on the day of judgement.

    Try to become a good Muslimah and repent for what u posted here because its a great sin in itself.

    May ALLAH SWT be more merciful with u. Ameen

    Reply

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