Should I inform my parents that I got married or should I wait?
Confused between the Two
AsslamuAlaikum,
I have been contemplating this issue for so long and I am in need of some serious advice.
I am from a Pakistani family born and raised in the west. My father, a really loving affectionate man has always supported his children in their studies. I've been away from home since University and now I am in a different country to complete my final bit of studies.
My parents have been unaware of any of my unislamic actions in the past. Being a teen growing away from home i'd seen it all and done it all. May Allah forgive me for my actions. But in my fathers eyes I was always a flawless daughter.
During my stay to the middle east last year I met an Arab man with whom my entire life changed. I was more practising, commited and genuinely a better person than I'd ever been. His family accepted me, and we eventually got married without the permission of my parents.
The only reason for this was that My father only finds it acceptable to marry into the same pakistani caste, he could never even imagine his children 'wanting' or suggesting to marry someone never mind someone not from the same caste.
Unaware that I was already married, my mum has advised me to not tell my father yet about the fact that I even want to marry this arab man. She is sure he will reject it, and it will destroy our small family. She still doesn't know we are married.
The problem is I am now almost 9 months pregnant and our baby is due soon. My husbands family fully supportive of everything are suggesting I wait until next year to tell my side about my baby and to take it easy. I however feel uncomfortable with this and don't know what to do.
I just wish I could speak to them. I want my son to be part of their lives. I can't lie anymore, they are expecting me home at the end of my studies next year. How can I leave my son alone with his paternal grand parents and continue living a lie like everyone has advised me to?
My question is what is the Islamic thing to do? To speak the truth outright and to break their hearts? Or to gradually take it slow and break it down.. or to never tell them?
Thank you and jazakallah for your advice and answers.
~ door2jannah
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Walaikumussalam,
Sister i think when you take your child with you then the ice will melt and your father will accept you. At the end they are your parents and they love you unconditionally. May be a little anger in the beginning but will be OK later. You need to tell the truth. You may have a hard time only for a while then Inshallah everything will be fine..
I pray to Allah that he make it easy for you...."AMEEN"
Wassalam
As Salamu'alaikum,
It is quite surprizing that you got married in this manner in the middle east. They generally follow the principles correctly. You are not allowed to marry without the consent of a Wali. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has said:
"There is no valid marriage without a wali and two witnesses." (Narrated by Imam Ahmad bin Hanbal Rahimahullah)
But I suppose the Qaadhi acted as the Wali. Considering that you have married him, I suggest you to inform your father. Your mother is aware, as you informed. So you should inform him right away, as he will take some time to accept your relationship. If you inform after you give birth to your child, it may become more difficult for him to accept.
It will make them feel pain whether you tell them now or later. So why not tell them now than later?
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with brother. As if u take ur baby as well with you, they will dislike it aswell and there will b more disapointments and time taking. Better talk with them straightly together.
AS sister. You should inform your father immediately. I just wanted to say I am one of the few posters, who if the conditions are right, and a wali is being unIslamic in his character, actually says one should go ahead with marriage. HOWEVER I feel like what you have done has been very wrong and may be difficult to fix. Difficult in the sense you are going to probably be more dependent on your husband, whose character you may not know as well as your father's now.
Had it been someone in your own nation (US/UK) I feel this would be somewhat normal. I am however telling you having lived in Bahrain/Jeddah for two years, and even in Pakistan as a kid, that 95% of the time had a woman done such a thing, she would not be respected by anyone and looked down. I'm not passing a judgement on you, but be cognizant of the kind of social status you have in a country outside of the West, where you grew up. There are countless stories of Egyptian summer brides for Khaleeji men, who are married just like this, and sold into prostitution. Unlikely? maybe. Impossible. No.
In fact, can I ask, or surmise? For your nikkah, in the country of your husband, was it officiated by a member of the state? I don't know a single Gulf Muslim nation where they allow a marriage without a wali, usually the father if he is alive, present.
My advice would be to let your father know asap, finish your education, but monitor your husband and his family's behavior VERY closely. Become financially independent as soon as you can. I personally think you managed your own situation very poorly and it didn't have to come down to your family vs your husband
u need to consult a scholer regarding ur serious and sensitive matter. u need to find out if ur nikah is even valid?? as well as thinking about what steps to take to inform ur father. hope everything goes well for u sis. islamqa and islamweb are good websites where u can submit ur questions on to and find out what shariah says about this, in sha Allaah. take care sis
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Firstly, fornications, adultery, intoxicants etc are all forbidden in Islam and a grave sin with terrible punishemnt if Islamic law is implemented. Therefore know the grave sins you've committed and repent sincerely. Fear Allah for his punishment is promised and extrememly severe.
Secondly,
Our Prophet said: " “Whichever woman married without her guardian’s permission, her marriage is invalid invalid invalid. (Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban )
Prophet said: “There is no marriage except with a guardian.” ( Abu Dawood )
Prophet said:“There is no marriage except with a guardian and two trustworthy witnesses.”
Imam Nawawi said : “A woman’s word in marriage, in the offer or acceptance, is not valid."
Thus making your marriage validity a doubt. According to Imam Shafi and some other, you are living under zina all this time. Take heed.
Think about this, your mum carried you in her womb with pain and hapiness. Your parents took great care of you since you were small. They've worked hard in order to help you and your siblings (if any), they've made lots of sacrifices for you. They've trusted you as a flawless daughter etc etc. Finally, you've married behind their back. This is not right. They should atleast be aware of their daughter's marriage. Atleast inform that you want to marry. Obeying parents has a high priority in Islam. Its not fair what you did in my opinion. Imagine if your own sons and daughters got married without even informing you. What would you feel ?
Finally, the Islamic thing to do right now is to inform your parents that you got married. You may do it immidiately or gradually, its upto you. You know your situation well. But you MUST tell them. They will be upset ofcourse. Bitter arguements will happen. But you've got to deal with it. The damage has been done. Since you're Pakistani and he is arab, and if there happen to be a problem later on, Allah forbids, then you need family support. Therefore do it now than later before its too late.
Do your duties towards Allah sincerely. Repent regularly, do lots of isthigfar. Ask Allah to ease your situation. Pray the prayer of guidance if needed.
Dear sister Door to jannah,
i dont want to be rude but you broke your parents trust and marriage is a big commitment ,how can you not think of your parents when you were getting married? However sister whats done is done , you should talk to your mother or father right after delivery..the soooner the better...children are a blessing from Allah and by looking at your son your parents might forget of what you have done and forgive you...dont be afraid and dont think too much cause your condition is not that kinda where you shud take stress...call them up talk to them...we know its not easy for you but eventually you have to tell them....go ahead make your life better and less painful . take care i hope you solve this matter real soon..xx
salaam sister
one bit of very important advice i would give you first and foremost DO NOT GIVE BIRTH AND LEAVE YOUR CHILD BEHIND get this thought out of your mind!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot stress how important this is i am a mother of two and the sooner you speak to your family the better BUT remember DO NOT TALK TO THEM INFRONT OF YOUR INLAWS OR HUSBAND THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO COME BETWEEN THE FAMILY AND ENABLE THEM TO CONTROL YOU IT WILL GO VERY BADLY
RIGHT SISTER you need to think logicly it would be one thing if the in-laws were saying to wait till the birth of the baby to avoid the stress it may cause you and your unborn child but to tell soon after the birth but it is quite another FOR THEM TO SAY DON'T TELL THEM GIVE BIRTH AND LEAVE THE CHILD BEHIND GO BACK AND DON'T TELL ANYTHING THIS OUT RIGHT WRONG
YOU ask your self sister you have connected with this baby you will give birth inshallah you will breast feed inshallah how will you be able to part from your baby the thought of this could even cause you to go into post natel and i have been there they will feed on these emotions and it will tear you apart and your famlily
now think about it HOW will you deal OR HOW should you deal with this situation from what you have described i would advise you to do the following as you need to ensure your safety and the safety of your unborn child
tell your mum first but PLZ do not do this infront of your in-laws OR husband weather your mother reacts in a good way or bad do not tell it your husband yet
give birth
keep your child with you DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD BEHIND
call your parents let them know of the birth or at least your mother
return home to your parents with YOUR CHILD
my dear sister it is going to hurt me more to say this than you but it has to be said unless you are a snake no sorry not even a snake because even a female snake will not leave her children alone she will eat them but not leave them THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOUR CHILD BEHIND AND THINK YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACT AS IF NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY YOU WILL BREAK DOWN BEFORE YOU EVEN GET ON THAT PLANE TO GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY
I WILL PRAY FOR YOU SISTER AND YOU UNBORN CHILD OR IF BORN NOW YOU BEAUTIFUL BABY AND FOR YOU HUSBAND TO SUPPORT YOU IN THIS TIME AND DO THE RIGHT THING ALSO FOR YOUR FAMILY TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY
MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU AND PROTECT YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY
JAZAKALA KHAIR
ALLAH HAFIZ
My dear sister what more are you waiting for? you're already married and have a baby on the way surely this can not go on any longer? The later you keep leaving this matter, the worst it will be for you, lies hurt families a lot, I undertand you are doing this out of fear and not hurting your father but this needs to come to an end at some point. It will be hard but it has to be done and the sooner rather than later!
Marriages should never be in secret this is a message for me before anyone else, so I do not forget this.
Allah with us all,
Your Sister in Islam,
Sister R