Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I keep trying online marriage sites?

internet relationship

Salam all,

I am 33 year old female not yet married.

I spoke to one of my good friends (practising Muslim) about this marriage issue as she was interested to know why I am not married yet, how comes no one in my family is not looking for someone for me, etc.

I told my friend that right proposals are not coming and there's no one suitable for me in my community for my family to approach (in worse case scenario if they have to).

She suggested I should try online marriage site. I told her I already did and it was not a success. She suggested that I should keep on trying online sites till I find someone.

The PROBLEM is I don't like talking about myself to brothers. About my likes, my dislikes, what I want from marriage etc. It makes me feel low and exposed afterwards. Even the ones that I spoke to I literally forced myself into it and at the end I did not like/ feel attracted to them.

So what shall I do? Should I continue online marriage sites? Also note my community is really small (I mean to the extent small that one of the potential brothers found me on Facebook) and these online marriage is taboo in my community. My family doesn't know I tried online matrimonial sites.

I feel as though my whole community knows that I went on online marriage sites. It is making me feel paranoid.

BUT my main concern is not what my community or family is going to think about me. My main concern is I don't like talking about myself (introducing myself) to potential spouses and I always wonder what if my future husband finds out I spoke to potential brothers about marriage. What if he doesn't like it. These two things bothers me....

Should I not continue with online marriage sites? Or should I leave everything as it is?

The only reason I am searching is not because I am not happy in life as single. Alhmadulillah I am very happy as single but I am 33 and so biological time is not really with me. I do want a family of my own in Shaa Allah. But for the sake of having a family of my own I do not want to talk about myself to any other potential spouse. I only like to talk to my actual future husband (if he exists) about myself ...


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam Nawaz,

    I have something you should consider and a question:
    1) Your future husband needs to talk to you to get to know you better so that he knows whether or not you share the same values with him and that you're compatible.
    2) Your future husband cannot talk to you because you will not talk to any man that does not marry you.
    3) Therefore you must know which man is your future husband before he talks to you, since you will not allow any potential spouse to talk to you and it is unlikely a man will marry you without knowing anything about you.

    So the question is, do you already know which potential spouse is your future husband and are waiting for him to ask you? And if you don't, aren't you really just avoiding marriage by passing up multiple compatible guys that could've been your husband but couldn't find out because you wouldn't let them?

    My recommendation is that you open up and let guys know what you're like. If you need to go online to advertise yourself because you're not getting hits otherwise, then perhaps do that. I recommend trying to get over feeling low from telling people what you're like. I don't think it's supposed to be a guarded secret, you're just making sure you and the guy match up in personality. I wish you good luck in the process, it is a difficult process.

  2. Asalaamalaikum Nawaz,

    Sister, you are so brave to take the first step to going to these matrimonial websites. You must bear in mind that there are specifically Islamic ones, and if your future husband is found on one of them then yes the probability of him knowing that you had to be in contact with other brothers will be high, but he should not be bothered by that. You took this step because your parents, other members of the family or friends could not provide you with a suitable spouse. That is not your fault, and not theirs either. Don't be embarrassed by posting about yourself, have some more confidence in yourself, confidence can be an attraction in itself.
    If your parents still remain unaware of your activity online then may I suggest that you speak to a friend you trust and see if they can go online on your behalf, the brothers who contact your friend who want to know about you will appreciate your shyness and when someone shows interest your friend then can provide your contact details. This is one suggestion if you're really struggling. I have had a couple of friends similar to your situation and have done better when someone else went online for them. But I do encourage that you do it yourself. These Islamic matrimonial websites are not haraam and people in your community should be accepting of your situation and even try to help you overcome your shyness.

    You say you have the feeling that your community know that you go online these sites. Have you any proof of this? Has someone told you or someone you know that you do this?
    Sister, I encourage that you leave this paranoia and embrace your bravery, and who you are. In Shaa Allah a potential husband will appreciate the modesty you hold.

  3. I think everyone above is correct, that in order to get to know someone you must talk about yourself and your life. Wouldn't you want the other person to do the same?

    However, please be careful. There is no such thing as an "Islamic website". There are matrimonial sites that cater to muslims but the profiles are not vetted whatsoever by the people who run the sites. I have also been on so-called Islamic matrimonial sites where the guy turned out to be hindu. Also, most of these sites are motivated by financial gain, that's why you can't register without paying a fee.

    The benefit in having your family assist you with this endeavour is that they weed out the shady characters. If you go head-first into a matrimonial website, you are accessing a pool of men from all walks of life, all characters, all values and morals -- whereas your family/friends will try their best to access a pool of men who share the same values and life goals as yourself. It is very easy to be deceptive when the forum you are accessing is anonymous.

    Please be very, very careful.

  4. Look sister stop being so negative. ...who cares what other people think.....But know this Allah is knower of everything .For those who are obedient slaves He is the guide and protector of the righteous. .If Allah wills it is going to happen.....Let me tell you that marriage is no fun...only at the begining it's smiles n fun but SHAITAN will be at times the 3rd party so beware...The only people who make it through this big test of spouse n children are the people who live a obedient and halal life....other then this most marriages are hanging regardless wealth Intelligence a poor person a disable person etc we are subjected to test upto are last breath.....So we have to have good healthy balance in deen 1st and then look for a person with Iman Aswell as a good education or that he is a honest worker seeking his means...It is Allah who puts Barakah in your livelyhoods! You must learn the power of dua ...Making long dua at tajjahudd and beING patience.with consistency ..But this only comes with Iman! The online is dangerous and can become a means of haram by looking with advice find your local sunni mosque get involved with the sisters charity group and services ...helping poor and fund raises ..Get involved with islamic lectures classes ...create a women teenage girls sports activity so the youth can get involved with the mosque. .Inshallah good things sways come to people....but you have to be careful because SHAITAN doesn't like any of this ..Even your closest friends family will always be against you so play dumb and learn to be silent..if you talk say something that is good positive and remember Allah is said a idle man's brain is a devils workshop!

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