Should I leave her or go against society traditions?
I am desperately in need of help. My heart and soul are restless due to the situation I am in.
I'm a 3rd year medical student in pakistan. I say 5 times prayer regularly and am a decent student in my class. I am the eldest brother in the family. I have two younger brothers and no sister. My father is doing his job outside country and visits pakistan after 1 year for two or 1 month only. My family has high hopes from me that soon I'll graduate and then will continue further higher studies.
My story is that I fell in love with a girl who is my class fellow. She is beautiful and is a good student. First I was interested in her because of her beauty but then gradually I got to know her other good characteristics which drew me more madly towards her. She is a decent, well mannered, and polite, sensible, intelligent and you can add all the good points in her personality. As I liked her so I tried to find ways to get close to her and introduced myself. First I started by asking for book or sometimes help in studies and gradually we got to know each other. We became more frank and one day I proposed her. She was also very happy and accepted my proposal as she thought of me as a good guy and my reputation in college and among other students is also good.
At the time of proposing her I told her everything about my family. I told her that I can't send my parents to her house now because my parents will never be in favour of proposing anyone until I complete my studies. I told her everything that I am from middle class family and I cant afford engagemnt or nikah or marriage before completing my studies nor my parents will allow me to propose some one during my studies as they will think I'm young and am desperate and will think of it as temporary young passion. I told her all the situation and then asked her if she did not agree with me then I'll get back and will never come in front of her again. But she understood my situation and as our love was real she agreed to my situation and agreed on waiting for my parents to go to her house after 3 years (after graduation)
After that day we used to chat on phone daily for hours and kept up with our studies too. We were in a relationship. One year passed and there were no problems. Then recently before few months she told me that a proposal from her relatives came to her house for her. The proposal is sent by the parents of her mother's cousin. i mean the guy who her parents want her to marry is her mother's cousin (though his age is not equal to her mother). He is not a student and runs a business is well settled and a nice guy but she is commited to me.
She refused the proposal but her parents want her to marry that guy and her mother says that she also did istikhara and it was positive for that guy. Her relatives are still waiting for her parents' answer as they haven't refused yet.
She asked me that she wants to tell her parents about me but I stopped her from doing so because at this stage while I'm a student my parents will never never go to her house for my proposal. She will have to wait for 3 years for that time to come when my parents go to her house for proposal.
She is also confused. I'm also confused. And this has been going for months. It's has also effected our studies.
Her parents are also forcing her to marry that guy and her parents also repeatedly tell her that they will never let her marry outside their relatives.
She says she will do anything for me. She will keep resisting her parents for ever and will never marry another guy.
I feel very guilty and coward. I am making her wait for me and can't even tell my parents that I love a girl and want you to go to her house to propose her. Because of the fact that they will not go before my graduation, Im 100 prcnt sure.
I love her - I truly love her. but because of me her life is disturbed. Her mother cries every day because of her attitude in house. People at her house are also worried. She also cries every day. And I'm here sitting dont know what to do.
I even asked her to forget me and do what her parents want her to do but she is not willing to leave me.
I am ready to leave her in this situation for her. I think leaving her now will be tough for us both. But with time she will settle down. as now I cant see all this sitting coward and not able to do any thing. I think leaving her would solve problems. She will not have to wait for my uncertain proposal and the WAR she is in against her parents and relatives will also end. But then I again I don't know what to do.
And last thing, many times I also think that is our relation before marriage halal? We went on date for a couple of times but then we decided not to go on date before marriage as it leads to gunah. I have touched her hold her hand once and kissed her on cheek but this was only once and realized it is a sin. But still the chatting on phone and talking before marriage. Is that halal and should I leave her for that or what? I AM CONFUSED!!!
Plz kindly give me an advice which is good for me and her both.
confused90
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Brother,
What happens if this girl waits three years and your parents refuse the marriage? What then? Either speak to your parents now about this girl and how you would like to make her your wife in three years time or stop all contact with her. She stands to lose a good proposal hoping for what may never be. What do you have to lose? Your parents might get upset and all hell might break loose but if you don't speak up, you may lose a wonderful girl to share your life with and never know what could have been. If you are not willing to open up to your parents about her, the kindest thing you could do for her would be to stop all contact with her. She can and will move on and so will you.
Salam
thank u for ur reply najah sister
sorry for late reply. i agree with ur advice. and about ur 2nd opinion that i should stop all contact and leave her so that she might not loose the other good proposal, i can do that. ill live with it but all i care is about her. i proposed her that we should separate but she cried for days and constantly said that she cant live without me and will never agree to her relative's proposal. what should i do then. i mean how can i leave her when she says all those things to me. is this temporary? all that not living without me feeling? or would she realy live with separation? will i not be a cruel person to leave her in such case?
Brother,
The reality is...if you sit still and do nothing, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. Sit down with your parents and lay everything out on the table. At least by doing so you give your parents an opportunity to know what is going on with you and maybe they will be willing to approach this girls family. However...I am not going to sugar coat anything here. I have three daughters myself and if a guy came to ask for my daughters hand in marriage, knowing she would wait for three years, that is something I personally could not accept.
Three years is a long time for any young woman to wait for something that may never come to be. If this girl is someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with, then speak up now or stop any and all contact with her. By keeping in touch with her, you give her false hopes. It isn't fair to her and by continued communication, she will not be allowed to heal. If you care for her as much as you say you do, either step up to the plate and speak with your parents, or let her go and end all communication with her. That would be the kindest thing you could do for her.
Salam
Dear Brother
I agree with Najah. You have got only one shot and if you do not even attempt to convince your parents now then it will be a regret for a lifetime. So pick up courage and involve your parents right away.
May Allah makes your attempt fruitful if HE wills.
Assalamu alaykum,
you don't sound confused at all. You knew from the begining, your relationship with this girl was haraam; yet you didn't care! How comes now you want to use religion for your own benefit??? All of a sudden you realise its haraam? You just want an excuse to break up with your girlfriend and make it sound like it's not your fault!
As you care so much about islam, let me tell you something, as a grown up man, you don't even need the premission of your parents to get married to her!!! In islam a man doesn't need a wali, so no one can stop you, especially not if they don't even have a valid reason.You said, you have to wait 3years because of your studies. No problem, if you really want to marry her, you both could do the nikkah (islamic marriage) and live separate at your parents house for 3years, once you finished your studies you both could move together.problem solved. That's what me and my sis did too and it works very well allhamdullilah.
However if you don't want to marry her, don't try to find an excuse,simply tell her that you don't wish to marry her and stop all the communication with her.
asalamo alaikum.
sorry for late rply. as u proposed that im using religion as an excuse. i cant say anything about that. but as i already said that im confused about the fact that wether i should leave her and let her marry her relative or should ask her to wait for me and keep resisting her family. the problem is that i would have told my parents earlier but i am from a pakistani family and a student who is studying and my fee and everything is paid by my father. and i am not yet financialy stable and am not standing on my own feet. if i tell my parents then they wont do it now and even they will refuse as they will say i am not a MAN enough to decide good and bad and not even her parents would be ok with my proposal at this stage as she already told me they wont just accept a student for a proposal. but my parents have allowed me to chose a grl of my choice after graduation. nd thats what i was planing to do that i will tell my parents that i like this grl and they wont have any reason to reject coz they wont find any negative point in her.what do u propose me to do in this case?
dear sister
i said in my post that
I even asked her to forget me and do what her parents want her to do but she is not willing to leave me.
I am ready to leave her in this situation for her. I think leaving her now will be tough for us both. But with time she will settle down. as now I cant see all this sitting coward and not able to do any thing. I think leaving her would solve problems. She will not have to wait for my uncertain proposal and the WAR she is in against her parents and relatives will also end. But then I again I don't know what to do
so i said that i am thinking of leaving her for her own benefit bt she is not willing for that too. i dint say that im leaving her because of the reason that my love is haram. but she says that she wont live without me and cries every day. how can i simply stop all communication then? do u think that she will realy live normaly after all that?
Assalam Alaikum
m agree with muslimgirl. it is clearly looking that ua not confuse actually u dont want to marry that girl at all. if you really want to marry that girl then u have to pick up courage now and tell all d things to ur parents like before an year u picked up courage to propose that girl and to date her while u were a decent guy of ur college. i can only give u advise dear dont let ur love fail.