Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I leave my husband?

unwanted houseguest, lazy man, too much tv

I have been married for 15 years to my husband and have two daughters. It was a arranged marriage to my cousin and from day one he made me aware that his family were far more important, I wanted children straight away but he didnt he said it would increase our bills. We were both working and I was working two jobs and saved enough to buy our own home....a month after moving into the new home I found out I was pregnant but miscarried my husband avoided me at the hospital and then refused to speak to me about the subject.

A few months later I fell pregnant again and had a daughter. This is when our financial problems started he did not like working, 3 months after my daughter was born I felt forced to go back to work. The next few years we lived hand to mouth basically from what I earned. I then had the worst day of my life I was woken by someone hammering on my front door by the time I opened it the door was broken down and two men came in my husband had told me he had a job interveiw, infact he had been in court, the men informed me that our home was being repossed. They gave me 10 min to collect what I needed and leave my home, me and my daughter were standing outside on the road when my husband eventually arrived.

The mortgage payments I had given to my husband he had not paid to the bank. He had known about the re-posseion and not told me. My family helped us buy back our home from the bank and my husband promised he would pay the back and would now find work. The following year he sudddenly became ill he was in hospital for a month but no one can find a cause for what is wrong with him, there is a possibility that it could be the beggining of a disease that will get progressivly worse but no one can confirm this.

He now had a reason not to work and even though he recovered he had some bad days. Three years ago I found a letter, he had again not made the mortgage payments I had asked him to and I was removed from our home. We currently live is state accomodation and my husband claims lots of state benefits which he feels very proud of, he has never paid my family back. I have always wanted a big family but my husband said no, so we only have 2 children I long to have more.

I am currently recovering from major surgery and need rest, the baby needs feeding and my husband say he does not feel well even though he was watching x rated tv till the early hours. I have over years saved every penny and now have £5000, for my daughters its not much but for me its hard earned money. A few days ago he asked me if he could borrow the money to call his brother over illegally and he will pay me back, I know he won't, his brother is trouble and I fear my husband will become worse. When I try and say that we have two daugters we should think about their future he says Allah will take care of it.

Two years ago my husband told me that a friend had said that if we get not divorced not islamically then he would get extra benefits I did not agree with this he said he had discussed it with an iman I did not belive him a few months later I found out he had got the divorce by forging my signature and citing the reason for divorce that I was unfaithful.
My husband does not hit me neither does he swear at me, But how can I live with all of this, I pray to Allah but I feel no one is listening. I then get very bad thoughts which depress me further. Why should I stay with him if he does get ill in the future and then care for him, what about my life my happiness?

Please help me tell me what islam says I should do, please help I have no one to ask these questions. Is it better for my daughters to leave him? Should I give him the money?

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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, I am sorry to hear what you are going through - rest assured my dear sister - Allah swt is listening to you and you are not alone.

    First and foremost - DO NOT lend him the money, no matter what excuse he uses - you know he will not pay you back so do not let him trick you.

    Your husband has behaved in a disgusting manner so no you do not have to live like this. The Prophet SAW would never treat his wives in such a way. It is your husbands duty to support you - at least when he was well he should have done this. From everything you have put it seems he is taking advantage of benefits of being married.

    Divorce is permissible in this case, and most likely recommended if your husband is not fulfilling your rights. So I would advise leaving him as he has not changed. Normally I would say try to fix it by talking to him, but both spouses need to be willing to change in order to fix the problems in a relationship. If you are not sure then do istakhaarah and follow your instincts.

    Also many sisters in similar situations feel reluctant to leave their husbands due to children growing up without father but sometimes it can be more damaging. Do not forget that the house being repossed and such difficulties from your husband affect your daughter too. You deserve better than such a person - you have a right to a happy life - free from worry about repossession.

    I pray Allah swt grants both you and your daughter happiness in this world and the next!

    Feel free to write on here if you need further support dear sister, we are here for you InshaAllah.
    Sara Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum,

    Being husband it is his duty to provide for the family. If he does not earn, you earn, he has to depend on you and can only take what you offer him and nothing by force. If you like to work out this relation and live in the current state, you may do so. If you think you tried hard and he is not changing and you are not getting peace from this relation, and you think your life would be better without this man and you think you would be doing no injustice to him and to your kids, then you may think of separation by divorce.

    There are a few verses in the Qur'an, which show a way to work out problems in married life:

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah An Nisaa.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.

    You may think upon your situation and decide for your self.

    Keep to justice and kindness. Be patient. Pray to Allah.

    Read the Qur'an with meanings, Insha Allah, you will find answers to life's questions.

    Hope the advice helps.

    Your brother,

  3. Leave him and get married to a proper man. My situation is almost the same as yours but I,m not brave enough to walk out because it upsets my parents. I'm hoping Allah SWt will answer my prayers one day and give me freedom from him. I hate him so much. He has never given me any happiness.

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