Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I leave my husband?

Help is available to escape domestic abuse

Salamu alaikum

i am writing this question brothers and sisters in the hope that Allah will give me some guidance through yourselves.

the question that I wish to ask is: should I leave my husband

we have been married now for 4 years and we have one beautiful daughter. In the last year or so, my husband has been more aggressive and sometimes physically abusive, which I would put down through his unfortunate job loss, and for a short while I was the one earning and providing for the family. During those physical abusive episodes, I always let myself believe (and this may perhaps be true) that I have been disrespectful and unkind towards him, and to some extend I deserve the bruising and battering that I have sustained (after all I get equally angry and my words can be harsh)

recently alhamdilah our circumstances have changed. My husband now has a job and is doing his duties for this family. I have also changed and I am much more closer to god alhamdililah, and as such I don't feel as angry.

recently however we quarrelled over his treatment of our daughter, and I threw a piece of paper at him from the distance, which landed nowhere near him, and told him that I hope god treats him the way he treats others and turned off the television that he was watching. He consequently got up to throw me to the floor, pulling my arms backwards, and kicking. I sustained a few minor bruises and injuries to cause problems walking up and down the stairs, but nothing that lasted for more than a few days. The following day he tried to talk to me as though nothing ever happened. I reminded him of the events, to which yet again he blames me for.

i am rather concerned about his lack of insight into his behaviour. He once attempted to stangle me, and again I blamed myself for it. But now, I honestly don't believe that I have provoked him to 'deserve' the beating and bruising. Nor does he seem to care about the emotional pain this has caused. After all I ask myself, I am a doctor and I am more than capable of supporting myself and my daughter. Surely I should respect and love myself enough to not allow such a man to treat me this way?

the question goes back again, should I leave him??

azalazal22

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3 Responses »

  1. Dear sis,

    My ex husband was the same way.He was nice and caring at times where we were not getting along and would fight alot and the sad thing was his in laws knew about them since we mostly lived in his in family;s house. I was that simple typical girl who was not so much educated, was young and naive and he was only 4 years older than me and very educated who had a bachelor degree with job experience in Pakistan. I was very much attached with him as we were together for a year. He was good looking, young and fit. He was very respected by his family members who was dearest since he was youngest of his siblings and his family wanted me to treat him as a prince. Before my marriage i was one of those girls who had a very messed up life who didn't focus herself in education or didn't care about her life so I thought after marriage my life was going to be the best. I was so lucky to have a extremely caring father who wanted his elder daughter (me) to have a good happy life after she marries. It was an arranged marriage of course, he was from air force of Pakistan so it was that he had an attitude of having things certain ways and was very arrogant and much pride.So did his family who was mostly set in the United States of America.So right before our interview date for green card, coincidentally he had slapped my face very hard and punched my face after i confronted and caught messages of girls in his phone. He was that kind of guy who was always attached to his phone and never let it sit around and never let his phone ponder anywhere.I never knew his passwords or anything or was neither every added to his facebook. I was so pissed off when i found of girl;s messages on his phone. They weren't dirty but they seemed as if he was taking interest in them as if he was very fed of me. I was not mentioned in those messages from what i have seen, GOD knows. I was crying the whole night, couldn't control them. I felt betrayed as he was a hyprocite.That evening when he had came he felt like he was upset of what he had done. I was lying on the sofa feeling miserable not having ate anything that day also dying with a headache. I threw up that night, he was mad at first that night and then he started to love me and stuff. He always checked on my facebook and all because he had a trust problem in me for my past mistakes i had made before marriage which i repented. When i confronted my family about this sitation that he had punched me really hard and all, they were so upset and devestated. I also was recording him admiting to that he had talking to girls where i thought i could be sneaky and he caught me as i had made a recording mistake before.I was so upset, i just wanted him to accept that he had done by talkin to girls but he said that time he wasnt doing wrong he was messaging.My dad told me to come home so i did, my family and his had a huge argument for the first month where there were alot of fuss and hate. His family was saying bad things about me and trying to cause a fight between me and my family. He was fighting for me for the first month after i had came here but then gave up and said he didnt want me anymore.My family had said bad things to them of course because they werent accepting their bad behavior. They said that the girl is crazy and she has problems as i did in the begginging of the marriage but then i had changed my temper quite alot.He just recently sent the divorce papers, and my dad says that we are going to take him revenge.They want my husband in jail as if he goes back to pakistan he can go to jail since he was in airforce and he left the country.He had came here by work visa that is. MY family says he was only after the greencard since our case was denied since i was in an argument with him. My family just wanted them to apoligizie which they didnt. They were stubborn and now i regret that i was in love with that looser who doesnt know what a woman is who just treats her like an sexual object rather than give her respect and fullfill her needs.PLEASE DONT LIVE THAT LOOSE , find someone else.

  2. Dearest sister azalazal22,

    I'm very sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation and that you are experiencing emotional pain. It sounds like this kind of abuse has gone on for about a year now, and you are very right in that you don't deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for people like your husband (from what you write) to acknowledge their behavior and make positive changes. The road to such a change in behavior can be a very, very long one, taking years and years of suffering on your part, and maybe even up to 30 years of this until you are completely beat down for the person to change...and even that change will come through life's humbling and mellowing the person out rather than through any sincere effort on their part. Only you can know what you are capable of, but by no means are you required or advised to stay in a situation that is hurting you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, as it is torturous.

    If you feel like this behavior might have corresponded to job loss and other life stressors and he is willing to go to counseling to address these things, you could tell him that you are staying with him under the condition that he goes to therapy AND that you see a consistently positive change in behavior. If he is not willing to do that, you owe it to yourself, your daughter, and this life that Allah has given you to achieve his purpose for you, to leave the situation.

    I hope this helps you. May Allah be with you on this road every step of the way, and provide you with what you need to get through. I am thinking of you.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. No, you should not allow him to treat you this way. However, throwing paper and turning of television while someone is watching is rude (not deserving beating, but nevertheless rude).
    Everyone is responsible for his own actions in the first place. He is responsible for his violent outbursts. You are responsible for your own words and actions.
    His lack of insight may stem from a belief that he has the right to resort to violence, or he may be completely convinced that you deserve it. However, he may only be trying to get on with his life as quick as possible, and does not wish to discuss it with you because dwelling on the subject annoys him for fear of leading to renewed arguments again. You must find out. If he can acknowledge that him resorting to violence is exaggerated, there may be still hope. It is a difficult conversation of course. Preferably held after a meal: a full belly makes people more eager for compromise.
    When a marriage has reached a state you describe, it is very hard to make it work again. It must begin with both of you acknowledging that there is room for improvement. If somebody askes for judgement in such cases regarding who did it right? Who did it wrong? - it is almost impossible to make a just assessment. I have only heard your side of the story, and one usually sees the others mistakes bigger then his own. You may both be people who are not very good at handling conflicts, meaning having a tendency to escalate a conflict rather then appeasing it. Note that I do not wish to downplay your suffering and pain. I merely wish to point out that nobody is perfect. Try to agrre on rules of behavious for each other and make compromises.
    Set yourself a time frame, let`s say, about 1 year, in which you try to repair your relationship. When you have reached the deadline, evaluate whether enough improvement was made, if you still find it unbearable, you still can divorce.

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