Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I leave my loveless marriage?

violent dad parent


I’ve been searching for the answer to my problem for 14 years now but I cannot find the answer anywhere. Please can you help?

My mother got me married at 16 to her nephew in Pakistan. At the time I just did what she wanted as I thought she would do what is best for me. I was a type of girl whose life revolved around study. I was a prefect and got the highest grades when I finished. I had my college planned and place set. I found out I was going to get married when it was my sister’s walima, my mum booked the tickets in two days time. I asked mum and told her that I don’t want to marry if it means me not being able to study, but she would get angry shout and grip her nails in my arm, so I stayed quiet.

I got to Pakistan and I asked if I could at least see him? They disagreed. Six weeks went by and I thought great I’m going be to the UK, but not so. My mother emotionally blackmailed me and made me stay. A few days later I got married, by which time I lost my place at college.

On my wedding night I was too naive. I left the doors wide open and went to sleep on a separate bed. During the night my husband got up and closed the doors.  It was dark and I couldn’t see what he looked like. He called me over but nothing happened thank God.

I saw his face properly 3 days after I married him. I wasn’t happy or sad. Three months later I came back to the UK. Got a job and he came over.

I never really had that attraction to him but I tried to make it work. After a year when he got his stay he started to hit me. Three times I went to my mum for help but they gave him a slap on wrist and sent me back. The fourth time I was covered in blood I just took a shower and went to sleep, at which point I stopped telling anyone as nothing changed when I did so what was the point?

Eventually I decided I’d go and study in a different city as maybe time away would help. I told him: it was a three year course in Uni at which point he said if I am going to go he will get what is rightfully his, at which point he tied me up with belts and raped me.

A few months later I found out I’m pregnant. I lost my place in Uni and that was when I went deep into depression. He would carry on hitting me and raping me.  Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same bed, even if it meant sleeping on the floor in the same room, as I didn’t want anyone to know.

Five years I stayed as such. I then met someone online who again used me. I got pregnant with his baby and we had a daughter. He made me sleep with my husband so it would cover it up, he said if I left my husband that he would marry me. I did...but the day I left he left me too. I was so confused. On top of that my husband begged me to come back that things would change. As my parents are also separated, I wanted to try every last breaths worth in me so I agreed and went back.

I dressed up as a bride and slept with him. But the next day he argued and fought again and since that day I have slept in a separate room

All this and now 14 years have passed. I’m in a marriage were we hardly talk. We have separate rooms. Alhamdililah I’m out of depression I do not take sleeping pills or depression tablets. And Alhamdulillah,  after a recent bad experience I pray five times a day.

I’m thinking whether I should leave or forget it and just stay, as I am sexually frustrated. I don’t want to go down the road I did before or even risk it. What do I do? I cant stand him he repulses me.  But I don’t hate him; I just feel nothing either way.

 I just need to know what does Islam say I do?


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71 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister,
    Reading your story as a brother made me cry, the pain and suffering you been through was torture, and i pray and hope that inshaAllah you find light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
    From a young age it seems your life was dictated by your mother, and you were married quickly without agreeing or even seeing the groom before your marriage, however despite this you tried to make it work, what happened next is sad, your husbands treatment of you was haraam and not allowed, and with little support from your family you were cornered.
    A man has a right as a husband to ask his wife for sex, and she must oblige, but Allah forbid to anyone your husbands treatment of you was haraam and against islam, to tie you up and then rape, this is sick and haraam under any circumstance, what you did next was wrong, a haraam relationship which led to a child, it seems a man saw you at your low ebb and took advantage, for this you must repent and ask Allah for forgivness.

    Your marriage is in a poor state, and the things this man has done you should seek a divorce, your happyness is most important, and by sleeping alone and not talking your marriage is almost just a agreement without any emotional, mental or physical contact with each other, if you cant stand the site of this man then you should leave him, do not continue to suffer for no reason, you have a daughter and you should take care of her.

    Keep praying and seeking guidance, inshaAllah you will see happyness and joy in your life one day, the hardships you have faced are severe and no-one can condone the actions of your husband, but why live life with sadness and regret, when you can find love and you can be happy, i advise you as a brother to leave such a man, his treatment of you is inhumane and i would lose all respect for a man who does that to his wife, the status of a women in islam is overlooked by men who think they control everything, but i assure you their are good men out there who will love you as you are, and would make it their duty to keep a smile on their wifes faces, you can find a new man who will love you, but you cant love someone who you resent and certianly someone who has hurt you in the past.

    All the best sister, may Allah guide you and help you inshaAllah
    I will keep you in my duas.

  2. Salaam brother,

    I can not belive after all these years i have got my answer....Alhamtholillah

    just to let you know when i posted this question. I came and logged back in numerous times.but i saw all the questions that needed answering so thought mine was jus another question and would never be answered. So i put my faith in what little i know about islam and decided to leave.

    I asked my mother and my sister...please can you take me in for three mths....both refused and made excuses why they cant help..i asked three times. As the house i have with my husband would be difficult for me to maintain...but they have all turned me away. They contact me now only when they need somthing...which is ok...Allah is watching i am not going to let pride overtake what Allah has asked us to good to one another....i go to see my mum every fri..and when they need me I am there

    but due to the fact i have no body to turn to. I have asked my so called husbanx to leave..he is saying he will move on 5th. I am scared because i know financially i will be streched but inshaAllah i have faith in Allah some how some way ill manage. Now i have no family just me and my daughters....please make dua for me i can stay on thd right path and i will manage.

    In regards to somone. I long for somone to love but Allah knows best if there is sumone written for me. So far i dont think there is. I dont socialise much i dout i will find somond willing to accept me.

    But i wanted to say JazakAllah. I have recently started feeling my depression coming back and dont sleep much...thinking about wether i am doing the right thing...but now i have read your reply i feel a little stronger knowing what i am doing is the correct way....please remember me in your duaz......

    • InshaAllah i will keep you in my duas, but stay positive and strong, the worst has happened, and now you must look towards a better future, Allah will guide you through your difficulties inshaAllah, you have a good heart and good intention.
      InshaAllah i have every faith in Allah that a good man will come to you and so should you, its never about the past, its about the future and their are many out there with big hearts who will accept you, keep your head up,keep faith in Allah and take care of your daughters, you be fine.

      Best of luck for the future, inshaAllah you be happy and free from all pain and suffering.

  3. Tearz lol. ...I think now there of happiness..i have been praying searching for so long to get my answer seems like i am not so alone after all..

    • As salamu alaykum, sister hinaz

      Your are not alone, Alhamdulillah. Our brothers have given you good advice. Mantain as much as you can your closeness to Allah(swt), read and recite the Quran, a little bit everyday, make dua, enjoy your daughter, you´ll feel better, insha´Allah. May Allah(swt) ease our path to forgiveness. Ameen.

      If the depression goes deeper go to the doctor, but if you are having a mild reaction, you may want to try this before:

      Do you know the water of orange blossoms that is used in arab/spanish cuisine to make desserts ? Make sure it is the one that is edible, because there is a cosmetic one. When you get it , take a small spoon of it when you feel stressed, it will smooth the tension in your chest, insha´Allah, it will help you to sleep. Other natural remedy is lemon balm tea ( Melissa officinalis) or lime tea(Tilia platyphyllos ) you can use them separate it or mix them with chamomile(Matricaria chamomilla), make it as a normal tea, boil water and when it is boiling, put a bit of the herbs in the pot, low the fire and let it 3 minutes, switch off the fire and let it rest 5 minutes, after that drain it and put some honey or sugar on the tea and drink it warm.

      Before your daily shower in the morning, rub all your body with a dry cloth till it is warm, the face and the neck needs a little massage with the tip of your fingers and in your scalp a nice, gentle massage with all your hand, this won´t take you more than five minutes and will make your blood move through all your body with more energy, insha´Allah.

      I want to share with you something, some of us in the hardest moments when we need someone close, there is nobody there, this is a red sign, that is the way that Allah(swt) has to tell us, I am waiting for you to call Me, then I will show you, I am here with you, I am listening to you, I am holding you, I am comforting you and I will guide you, Alhamudlillah. After going through this, insha´Allah who you least expect will be for you holding your hands, in your case, you long for your family, but at this moment you know they are not for you, it is a hard test, but this happens many times, say Alhamdulillah, you are in the position to be able to help them.

      You are stronger than you think and your innocent nature still there, just numbed by all the suffering, but you will see while you grow up as muslimah that your Heart begins to flourish again, insha´Allah and your cheeks recover the pinkish of a healthy life.

      I want you to eat and this is an order, you need a strong blood to be able to face all the challenges you will have in front of you, from now on, you need to eat vegetables, fruit, cereals, dried fruits and nuts, animal protein and/ or vegetable protein, I don´t mean huge quantities, I mean a bit of everything 5 times a day. If you do it, insha´Allah, you will mantain the doctor far from you for a while. Eat red meat at least twice a week, just a small steak will be enough, greens everyday(raw or steamed), beans frecuently, red fruits, tea of nettles(Urtica dioica) it is good for you too, insha´Allah, all these tips will keep you strong and if you still feel weak go for a blood test, just in case, to check your iron stores.

      You know that us muslims have a prayer to look for Allah´s guidance, Istikhara, you can learn about it in a link on top of this page, this will help you when you feel confused about a situation, insha´Allah.

      There are beautiful and inspiring readings on as well that in I will recommend you two that I really like, the first one, has a dua at the end that will help you a lot, insha´Allah.

      Anything that anyone of us can be of help, here we are.

      María Editor

      • jazakallah..i will do regards to eating healthy i know that is somthing i was very strict about but recently i have noticed i am slipping a little...

  4. Salam sister,

    It's a sad thing to hear your story. I could recommend that why don't you seek help over the authorities? Your husband do have rights over your body, but, Islam forbids forcing. He's a man, he should carry he's responsibility well. Not take advantage of it. As you know, it is the Akhir Zaman, to much corruption within the Ummah.

    And yeah, you should seek help from the authorities, but do remember one thing. Never ever hate your mother and husband. You are just making satan happy. Don't lose to satan. Respect them even they don't do that. Show them you are strong. A strong person is those who controls his aanger. By Imam Bukhari. And always make Du'a for them and wish them to change to the better, and not anything else.
    Hope my suggestion helps 😀

    • And one thing u should know ,, A Husband is not allowed to beat his wife in any way , in any case and any situation except one case that is,, if his wife becomes shamless,, and start doing shameless activities.. .
      so in this case the husband can beat his wife to such extend that she stop doing what she is doing.. and u know, what is shamelesness?. Taking interest in stranger (Na-Mehram).. meeting with him with wrong intentions. and u know what u have done.. . its not only a shameless act,, its Adultry.. . u had sex with him and also gave birth to his child..
      u dont deserve to complain now if your husband beats you.. what will u answer Allah in grave and in the day of Qayama' .
      though Your Husband was not fullfiling your rights , its a big sin. and he was beating you it was an another sin. and you were helpless. Wife is advised to keep patience. She'll be rewarded by Allah on day of qayama' on staying patient in such severe situation.
      and if that had become unendurable for you,, you had an last option that u could separate from him. thou it is most unfavorable act in Islam, because Allah does not like Divorce. but atleast it was Halaal for u. You should have talk with your parents, that it's become unendurable.. .
      But you commited a very big sin and crime..
      Do Tauba.. . opolojize your husband.. . . And go to any authentic Mufti.. . .
      he will tell you what u should do... .
      I will highly recommend you that first do Tauba,, be faithful to you husband and keep patience...
      Tauba and relation with Allah will make you calm and satisfied in every situation.. . be thankful to Allah in every situation.. . your life will be most happy and you will be succesfull after leaving this world.. .
      I opolojize to Allah , if i said something more, something less, something wrong and something unnecessary and something wrong..
      I opolojize to you, if i hurt you.. I'm sorry ,please forgive..
      All i said is for all pure and sincere intention to guide you.. .

      Tauba will make

      • under no circumstances can a husband beat his wife even if she has commited a shameful act the only person that can punish her for commiting sin is Allah.

        • the only person that can punish her is Allah not her husband i'd like to know were you got the sources to answer your question.

      • another thing she has been through so much pain ....tell me something adullah could you endure what she went through? (i don't think so)the sisters has been patient enough for 14 years and tried and done her best to make her marriage work she can divorce and she should divorce her husband he is evil!

        • Pain or no pain . It can never ever justify the grave sin that she committed which resulted in the birth of an illegal child .

        • =) seem to be able to really understand what situation i am in...inshaAllah he will be moving out and i shall take it from there.

      • @Abdullah,

        This man was beating and raping her before she did any sin. Or do you just want to gloss over that fact?

        If you knew anything about violent domestic abuse, you would know that it is a form of possessive control, power and the rapes are not of a sexual gratification, but another power control issue of humiliation and great oppression. Should I bring a hadith forth about the "beast" of man from the Prophet of Islam, himself (saw)?

        I suppose I might as well. I do not mean to cover over this sin of adultery, but your callousness in this matter is devoid of complete understanding.

        Verily a great number of women are assembled near my family, complaining of their hubands; and those men who ill-treat their wives do not behave well. He is not of my way who teacheth a woman to stray.

        Admonish your wives with kindness.

        A Muslim must not hate his wife; and if he be displeased with one bad quality in her, then let him be pleased with another that is good.

        Do you beat your own wife as you would a slave? That must you not do.

        I (Muaviyah b. Haidah) said, "O Apostle of God! What is my duty to my wife?" He said, "That you give her to eat as you eat yourself, and clothe her as you clothe yourself; and do not slap her in the face nor abuse her, nor separate yourself from her in displeasure.

        Give your wife good counsel; and if she has goodness in her, she will soon take it, and leave off idle talking; and do not beat your noble wife like a slave.

        Muhammad (saw) said, "Beat not your wives." Then Omar came to the Rasul and said, "Wives have got the upper hand from hearing this."

        He is the most perfect Muslim whose disposition is best; and the best of you are they who behave best to their wives.

        Listen to this and reflect: www.

        • On 7 years in to my marridge did i take such a step afta everyoneturned thier backs.....he seemed like a life line at that tym wen i was at my lowest

  5. hinaz_tears, As-salamu alaykum,

    I agree with kelvanater. What your mother and your husband did represent the worst cultural practices of certain societies. It was haram for your mother to marry you off without your consent, and it was haram for your husband to treat you in the abominable way he did. His behavior was deplorable and sick.

    Clearly you have also made serious mistakes by having an adulterous affair. I advise you to make sincere tawbah to Allah, as this is a huge sin. I'm happy to hear that you are praying now, Alhamdulillah.

    What you have is not a marriage. I advise you to seek a divorce from your husband and make a life for yourself and your daughters. I know it will be difficult for you, but do your best and Allah will help you. Stay on your prayers, and seek Islamic knowledge. Raise your daughters as good Muslims.

    Insha'Allah, the time will come when Allah will bring you a good husband. Make sure you do not approach matters unlawfully. Do everything in the proper way as a Muslim woman.

    Wael Editor

  6. Wa'Salaam my sister in Islam,

    From your post, i can see that you are from Pakistan and might understand Urdu. Sister please listen to this lecture by Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmed. After listening to this lecture it brought tears in to my eyes knowing about the status of women and etc.

    Please youtube 'Woman mujahid urdu Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshbandi' or visit this link

    May Allah guide us.


  7. =)

    InshaAllah...thankyou everyone!

    It feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and i can finally breathe.

    I wish i had found this site sooner. I am 30 now just feels like i have wasted so much time. It has taken me all these years to find the answer. But i did have did skip a little thinking theres no one nothing that can help...but in the car a few days ago i heard a naath...islam has the answers ti everything no stone is left unturned.....i can feel that is true now...

    Its true..somtimes when you see what others are like even your loved ones it is very easy to hate..i am trying my best not to which is why i still visit and keep my kinship regardless of what i have to hear when i am there. .Friday is a good day and inshaAllah i will keep that up.

    In regards to hateing.....tbh i still dont hate him.....i cant hate him.....i just hate the situation i have been in all these years...its the first day i have woken up knowing what i have to do..

    This site is amazing i wish more people in heart ache would be able to find it....


    • Asalaam alaikum,

      I wish I could say that your story was rare, and though it saddened me greatly, it reminded me why it is often said that women are stronger than men. I don't know how you did it, but you have held on, though a part of you is in darkness. I usually have a lot to say, but nothing will seem to be enough for you. My God, you have endured what so few of us could. You're surviving and I pray to Allah (swt) that you can make it day by day.

      If you have mortgage debt, perhaps you can renegotiate your contract to a lower interest rate with the bank and the same goes for credit cards, etc. to lower your living expenses. As you live in the UK, use whatever social services are available to you for aid. I believe that one of the Editors here is in the UK, so perhaps she can help you find resources to rely on for right now, and Insha'allah, she can also provide you with resources for women who have battled these same woes, as well.

      I don't mean to pry old wounds, but I hope that you can seek help about the sexual assaults and abuse you've endured. There's a hotline in the UK for Muslims needing someone to talk to and here is the link:

      I want you to know that we'll pray for you. Don't stop seeking help even if it's just posting here. Whatever you feel, whatever you need to say, whether it's good or bad, just post it. We'll try to help and pray for you.

      Try to volunteer at you local masjid if you can. There's plenty of human rights organizations for Muslims in the UK, too, so you should be able to find some good sisters to lend you support. Gather a good, solid base of friends to help you come out of this chapter of your life. Insha'allah, you'll find some good people.

      Don't worry about finding a husband right now. You'll find him in due time. Just gets your life sorted, stay strong and keep turning to Allah (swt).

      And when My servants ask you concerning Me, surely I am very near; I answer the prayer (supplication) of the suppliant when he calls on Me. (2:186)

      • =)
        I have had more support and love here then i have done my own family.

        I find it difficult to make friends i have few bit close friends all practicing sisters. I use to study law but he made me stop and didnt let me have friends...evn to this day he gets angry if i call or text anyone even thought we have nothinh to do with one another. .And he is called constantly...i dont say anything...i think its good anf healthy to have friends..

        In regards to the house i sat down and have sorted my fonaces. .I have one year to sort things out......inshallah...ill scrape through even thats enough for me....

        And finding a husband tbh its not something that is important to me at the moment....

        I do have one question and ex..i have not contacted him for years. .But every year on my daughters birthday he sends a gift through the post....i dont want anything to do with him. What would you suggest i do about this as i do not want to contact him at all...

  8. Assalamualaikum ,
    Dear Sister,
    I hope inshallah that your situation is better now.
    You have got excellent advices Mashallah.
    I feel all your sufferings and mishaps.
    But the good thing is you have started praying and turning back to Allah ( s.w.t).
    Just do tawbah and for your other confusions Istikhara is the best.
    Take care of yourself as to handle all these things you need so much energy And health.
    Always talk to Allah about your affairs and hand it to Him( s. w.t).
    Eat properly, find the love of your daughters to feel happy as kids are such a source of joy Mashallah.
    About depression relaxing teas help a lot.
    Inshallah everything will fall into place with time and faith. I feel your innocence speaking Mashallah.
    I'll remember you in my prayers InshaAllah .
    Take good care,

    • Salaam

      Thankyou. .For evryone who has commented. I feel alot better in regards what is best.
      As i have always been told to just get one with it.....anf have been doing all these years.
      Before i got some of the answers here i started to think maybe it is just me...maybe i am just the wrong one in all this....but i have noticed its becomeing even more difficult and i cant bare it...

      Bt i do hope i will manage..i love my daughters so much and they are what will keep me going.inshaAllah i....i did something so baf..tht wasnt innocent it was stupid

      • As salamu alaykum, sister Hina,

        Being married so young, you were innocent and you didn´t have anyone to advice you or guide you against evil, when you did wrong,please, don´t punish yourself, repent, do tawbah and leave it between Allah(swt) and you, don´t call yourself stupid, you didn´t know better at that time, now, Alhamdulillah, you have learnt from your wrongdoings, nobody here has the right to go against you or judge you, none here is or will be free of sin, only Allah(swt) knows all the ways and the hearts of all of us, then please, don´t be yourself the one punishing you, insha´Allah,humble yourself in front of Allah(swt) and insha´Allah become the muslimah you are called to be.

        Now, insha´Allah, you will guide young women and your own daughters in the straight path and insha´Allah will prevent them from evil.

        Yes, you need to take care of yourself, you have the responsibility of it, insha´Allah, you will do it.

        Allah(swt) knows best.

  9. First of all, Lady you need to do Tauba on such a major sin you have commited . Admit your crime , show embarrasement. and Make a very very serious oppology in front of Allah. Go to an nearest "authentic" Mufti.
    Tell him everything. He will tell u what to do.
    It's an unlawful deed and a very big sin u have done. do u know u gave birth to a Haraam child.
    first I felt deep sympathy with u on cruel behaviour of your husband. but after reading about all what u did. I'll just say tht u must do Tauba.

    Look lady, Every livingthing has to leave this world and die one day and has to taste the Taste of Death . & this life is just an examination room for every muslim. As this life is temporary, Every joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, days , nights are temporary. The sucessful is the one who spends his/her given period of limited life patiently and carefully by passing thru many ups and downs , making thier Allah happy.
    We believe in Allah and his last prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.w) . we have a purpose of life. Every human being will find themselve in front of Allah after death. And all non-believers (for instance: Hindus, buddhist, Chirstians, Jews, communists etc) and all who r non muslims will always live in Jahanum(Hell) always, always and forever..
    Because allah will never forgive Kufr and Shirk.
    But Alhamdulillah ,we r believers. we r Muslims. and we have a complete purpose of life. We will be asked for every deed we do in this world. and we'll have to answer for every halaal deeds and will be punised for every Haraam things.. your husband is disobediant to Allah, It doesn't mean you start doing Haraam things too, esp. this type of such unethical, & unlawful deeds that become curse for you. Woman is a very respectable creature. If your husband doesn't respect you , it doesnt mean you disrespect yourself and make yourself a Tissue Paper or Chewing gum. Woman is a sign of dignity & Honour.
    Make your husband realize that how big sin he is committing. Beating women doesn't suits to a man.
    And pray for him for Hidayat.
    If his behaviour remains unchanged, He will be accountable for his every deed what he has done in this world.
    So please be patient.
    And if u know Urdu.
    please Listen bayans of Moulana Tariq Jamil.

    for further help
    contact me on

    • look lady''.. seriously why are you addressing her such a manner she is your sister in islam she isn't some drunk alcoholic and she fell into sin because she didn't have anyone to help her through her problems and now she's asking for help. just imagine what would you have done if you were being raped and abused by your husband? what your suggesting from your post is that you have sympathy for

      • you have no sympathy for her

        • Jazakallah for understanding my point of view...
          I couldnt ask anyone about this because i knew i would be judged and the person above has prooved that..

          But Alhamtholillah they werent the first to post on my question.and the brothers above were...if that was the first post i most certainly would not have bothered to logg back in...

  10. White lop
    "Lady" is a most respectable word to address a woman. and i said 'Look Lady'
    ,, to make her understand what i said with full concentration and carefully.. .
    every word of mine is in most suitable manner. I cant write my accent in alphabets.. .and some harsh words i said is just to make her understand the things that r so important and to make her realize ,,how important this matter is to be considered . ok.
    If she acts upon it. she will realize after death that who ws saying right.. .

    • I was just telling you that because sometimes we say things and we don't realise the effects its going to have on a person she is already hurt and i'm sure she has realised what she has done wrong and she doesn't need you to remind her again what she's done because i'm sure right now she feels awful
      she has already endured so much pain and she still kept going to make her marriage work .(
      )it just shows how strong she is and going through what she went through a since the age of 16 is truly amazing!

      I hope the sister finds someone who will love,respect ,honour her and treats her the way she deserves to be treated inshallah!

  11. "And one thing" is my 2nd post..

  12. Assalamualaikum ,
    Dearest Sister ,
    I had tears in my eyes. As Sister Maria M said it was your innocence because you were so young. I can sense and feel it. I myself was through some similar situations and like you having no friends or family to confide in I also did some stuff .
    But Allhamdullilah the good thing with us is we are more wise and close to God now .
    InshaAllah everything will be fine.
    I'll pray for you.

  13. What should i do about the gifts my ex sends his daughter. .Can i bin them? Do i keep them give them to charity or return them....:-(

    • if he was a good man he would of married and wouldn't of taken advantage of you!
      so just give it to charity!

      • No. Give the gifts t her, but don't tell her who they came from, as you can say they are from you. Why? If in the future he ever meets your daughter and asks her about receiving gifts, she will accuse you (her mother) of causing strife in that relationship, if she feels sympathy for her father. This is the right course, I believe.

        • ...I have a feeling he will turn up one day just to make a point....

          .....hmm i think this is a tuff one

          • Pray Allah(swt) sister, your prayers will soften your tests, insha´Allah. Trust Him(swt)and remember to do your daily homework and being grateful for everything. He(swt) knows your Heart and all.


        • The gifts belong to the daughters, they will be the ones to take decisions on them, he is their father. This is my personal opinion.
          Allah(swt) knows best.

        • Of course they should know those gifts are from their father, one thing is the relationship between the parents and other one the relationship that he has with his daughters, when they grow up they will see the straight behaviour of their mother despite the father´s behaviour towards her, wouldn´t this be one of the best lessons their mother can give to them?
          Allah(swt) knows best.


          • I meant my second daughter who i had with the man who left me n his daughter

          • Sister Hina, I am on favour of saying the truth, because at the end all the curved decisions will be put straight, but you are the one that can value which will be the impact of it in your daughter, you know her better than anybody else and if you have doubts about it, please read istikhara and look for Allah(swt)´s guidance on it, if it bothers you so much you may need to do it. Think always that you shouldn´t rely on other human beings to take your decisions, trust Allah(swt) guidance overall and trust yourself, you can listen to others, but remember that the one in your shoes is yourself, nobody else, insha´Allah, the last word has to be always between Allah(swt) and you.

            Rest and take care of yourself, praise to Allah(swt).
            Allah(swt) knows best.

      • I agree with this it was his choice to leave...he duz nt support her or ever bother. .So i feel like i should do at the same time im not sure..all i knw is if i keep them in the hoise it will weaken me in some form....

        • Asalaam alaykum

          It's a balancing act depending on how old your daughter is and whether she is mature enough to handle it, though ultimately one day she will know, it's only up to you to tell her.

          The gifts are mere tokens and I knew a divorced woman who would give the gifts away and another who gave the gifts to her daughter. Each instance was particular and had complications that only you know how to deal with. The important thing is to get yourself established and on your feet, and then you can decide about the matter of gift giving and the larger issue about her father being revealed to her.

          My opinion is to give the gifts, simply say, "these are for you" and buy the other daughter her own gifts in compliment. It shouldn't have to go farther than that in this crucial moment and seeing as to how long this guy has waited and been incognito, there's no rush just yet.

          Why rip everything open when it can wait for now while your life is just starting out? Pace yourself, Sister Hina, just pace yourself.

  14. (i m sorry) but u must not contact that person anymore. he will never ever be sincere with you. think with open mind ,, can any noble person do this . if he ws a noble guy he'd have first talked with your parents. if he'd failed to do this, then he'd go to court to help you legally. then whatever the court decides. he takes the next step to solve your problem..
    and let suppose if he ws really very serious and sincere with you. he'd hv solve this problem thru court by the last halaal option i.e divorce. and then waited till your time of 'Iddat' ends, & then he'dv took u in his nikah.. then .......____........
    use your mind,, he even knew it that u r not only Na-mehram for him but u r a married girl. how could he even touched u before all this.. he simply played with u emotionaly. and if u still keep contact with him ,, u r doing another sin..
    Just tell him, its already too much what all the stuff i hv done with u mistakenly. I hv dn Tauba , and want to live halal life . so now do not bother to contact me anymore. dont spoil my life.

  15. I highly recommend you just go to a Mufti..
    make ur life and hereafter both sucessful

  16. I was having so much sympathies for you but it all stopped when I read about the adultery part .

    Does your husband even know about the illegitimate daughter ?

    Sorry to say this but you will be judged . I also agree to what Abdullah posted.

    If your husband was so bad as you have depicted then why didn't you leave . There are must be women shelter in your country . You could have called the police . There were other options but Adultery.NO

    I also don't believe that you were all innocent . Committing a sin like adultery requires alot of courage and confidence .

    I also can't fully accuse your husband of wrongdoings . Maybe the details you posted is biased . We must hear the story from your husband's side also .

    Sorry , but there can be no justification of the sin you committed .

    I don't know why , except for few people no body has strongly condemned the actions on her part.

    • "Committing a sin like adultery requires alot of courage and confidence."

      Not at all. Much of the time it is a scenario where an experienced and predatory man takes advantage of a woman who is naive, lonely, or desperate for attention.

      I'm not justifying what the sister did. As I said to her, it was a huge sin and she needs to beg forgiveness from Allah. But it seems to me that you have set your mind against the sister here and wish to deny all that she has suffered. You say, "maybe the details you posted is biased." But if she were going to lie, she wouldn't have told us about her own sin.

      Wael Editor

      • In this case , it was consensual . He didn't force her .

        As a said above . We must know the husband's version of story . You cannot simply give a judgement on one person's account .

        • We never get both sides of the story here. This is not a court of law. People come here one at a time, telling us about their situation and asking advice. Based on what they tell us, we advise them. We assume they are telling us the truth, as we should do with all Muslims. If they have lied, then obviously the advice will not be on target, but that is their fault, not ours.


          • I agree .

          • My husband himself agrees he is wrong here hence why he has stayed with me....i didnt call police as i am not the type of person to involve my family lt alone dishnour my family by calling police on my husband.......

            In regards to what i did i was not intimate with tht man who i met till three years in to my relationship..yes o was stupid and tht is the only relationship i have ever had in my life....i regret it and i would never go down that road again.

            My parents are separated....i didnt want that for my daughters....i tried everything i could to make my marridge work. ..All i eva wanted in lifr was a small home a husband and kids....i never wanted this...

            But what i did was wrong and totally wrong bt thts is something i live with every day...

          • I may have come a bit harsh . Sorry about that .

            Just want to say , repent .

            I sense that you understand the gravity of the situation . I guess my comment was uncalled for .

            I request the mods , if they are able to remove my comment posted above . Then please do it .

          • Thank you Br.Lala for being humble in this matter, Alhamdulillah.

      • But it's not good to make a judgement between two people without hearing both sides of the ivents, this is ghuluu, and injustice towards the other person.
        This is what Dawuud [saww] was reprehended from doing, in the story in surah Saad, when the two men came to him, one with 99 sheep and the latter with one sheep and the former asked his brother in faith to give him his one sheep he possesed.
        Daawuud [saww] imidiately jumped up and said to the man with 1 sheep,

        "LAQAD verily he has oppressed you by his asking of you your 1 sheep to add to his flock"

        And indeed it has turned out to be that the one with the 1 sheep WAS the wrong doer and the trangressor as the long hadeeth of the prophet[saww] suggests.

        "And then dawud realised that we had just put him to trail [with regards to his judgement]"

        "Oh david, we have certainly made you a khaleefah on the earth so judge between the people with justice and dont follow your desire as it will leade you astray"

        Likewise at the time of the apostle[saww], a woman who is had green face and skin and black eyes as a result of beatings from her husband came to the prophet[saww], and he never judged, he summoned the husband so they both give their case, so that he [saww] may not make the same mistake his brother david did
        And that woman had horrendous marks of torture.It turned out that both the man and this "poor" woman were wrong as one another [ra].

        And likewise at the time of the Salaf, oppressed women with with their beating marks alone as a witness for them would come to judges like 'umar [r.a] and Shurayh al-Qaadhi, they would always hear the man as well before giving the judgement.
        And sometimes it turned out that the woman was the fitnah maker in some cases.

        So i dont know why on here, everytime a woman tells details of her abuse, people always start judging the man.
        I realise you dont and can't get both sides of the story here, if thats the case, no one should say a bad word against the man who is involved, by calling him "sick", animal, merciless

        • No one called him an animal, but I used the word "beast" referring from a hadith of the Prophet of Islam. For a person so quick to refer to hadiths, how is it that you do not know that one? Especially when it concerned her being tied up and being raped.

          So you realize that this man never showed his face properly to his wife as consent to a marriage in which his wife was forced into? And a man who beat her repeatedly and made her bloody? And he is a rapist?

          Yet, you chose to gloss over that in an attempt to make your own point in this matter, when Br.Wael already pointed out the nature of what your trying to contend.

          When her husband comes on here, saying "help me stop beating my wife," then you might have some water to tread. Otherwise, heed the advice which was already given.....

          We never get both sides of the story here. This is not a court of law. People come here one at a time, telling us about their situation and asking advice. Based on what they tell us, we advise them. We assume they are telling us the truth, as we should do with all Muslims. If they have lied, then obviously the advice will not be on target, but that is their fault, not ours.


  17. @lala

    its ok. No worries i know its difficult to get the jist if what may be happening with just a few words on here... But tbh i have always been rubbish at explaining myself to its ok...

    And i do understand....just pray Allah will accept my dua and forgive me for what i have done in my past and help me to stay on the right path inshaAllah....

    Im worried what may become of my daughters bt at the same time i know Allah is there for thosecwho have no body....

    Jazakallah to ALL. .My brothers and sisters who have commented. .For being there for me in my most difficult time. .for being there wen even my own turned away m.May Allah reward you ALL. .....Remember me n my daughters in your duaz... ..

    • As salamu alaykum, sister Hina,

      There is no problem about the way you explain yourself, but as you said it is very hard to let know others all that you have gone through in all this years just in a couple of lines, you have done it right, and if there was any misunderstanding Alhamdulillah, we are brothers and sisters and we can solve it, Alhamdulillah.

      I thank to brother Lala for opening his Heart to compassion and unconditional respect, masha´Allah.

      Insha´Allah, be for your daughters, sister, you are a strong woman, masha´Allah, take care of yourself and go step by step in this life. If you need to go to the doctor and need professional help to move on, please do it. Keep striving, please, I want to listen to your joy when your daughters finish their studies, when they marry and when you have your grandchildren in your arms for the first time, insha´Allah. Be for yourself and first of all be for Allah(swt), insha´Allah.

      There is just one mother in this world for your daughters, you are unique as a mother, as a woman, as a muslimah, as a daughter, as a sister, as, insha´Allah, wife, as a friend, are unique and as unique human being nobody else in this world can do what you are called to do. Get stronger little by little, we will be here for you while you need us, insha´Allah.

      Be sure your Presence is important to all of us, too, please, take care of yourself.

      All my Unconditional Love,
      María Editor

    • Asalaam alaykum Sister Hina,

      Insha'allah, you can get back to study law again and live your professional life in this field.

      This is a very nice video by Br.Sami Yusuf to watch when you need to find that inspiration to get into the proper frame of mind when pondering about forgiveness and repentance of your past sins.

      And know that your sins are forgivable, though they are quite heavy to bear without the hope in Allah (swt), as Allah (swt) says in the Noble Qur'an:

      Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)

      A story of Forgiveness

      It was narrated that in the days that Musa (Alahi salaam) wandered with Bani Israel in the desert an intense drought befell them. Together, they raised their hands towards the heavens praying for the blessed rain to come. Then, to the astonishment of Musa (Alahi salaam) and all those watching, the few scattered clouds that were in the sky vanished, the heat poured down, and the drought intensified.

      It was revealed to Musa that there was a sinner amongst the tribe of Bani Israel whom had disobeyed Allah (swt) for more than forty years of his life. "Let him separate himself from the congregation," Allah (swt) told Musa (as). "Only then shall I shower you all with rain." Musa (as) then called out to the throngs of humanity, "There is a person amongst us who has disobeyed Allah for forty years. Let him separate himself from the congregation and only then shall we be rescued from the drought."

      That man, waited, looking left and right, hoping that someone else would step forward, but no one did. Sweat poured forth from his brow and he knew that he was the one. The man knew that if he stayed amongst the congregation all would die of thirst and that if he stepped forward he would be humiliated for all eternity. He raised his hands with a sincerity he had never known before, with a humility he had never tasted, and as tears poured down on both cheeks he said: "O Allah, have mercy on me! O Allah, hide my sins! O Allah, forgive me!"

      As Musa (as) and the people of Bani Israel awaited for the sinner to step forward, the clouds hugged the sky and the rain poured. Musa (as) asked Allah (swt), "O Allah, you blessed us with rain even though the sinner did not come forward." And Allah (swt) replied, "O Musa, it is for the repentance of that very person that I blessed all of Bani Israel with water." Musa (as, wanting to know who this blessed man was, asked, "Show him to me O Allah!" Allah (swt) replied, "O Musa, I hid his sins for forty years, do you think that after his repentance I shall expose him?"

      When the Night Equals a Thousand - By Muhammad Alshareef

  18. Sallam Hina,

    Reading your story for one minute I thought it was me writing it...? or is it my post..?
    Made me cry as it reminded me so much of my life like you I was married off at 16 .. i always thought that if my own parents where alive i would not be in this situation .
    Its so so sad I have a daughter who is 18 now and I would fight the world for her rights and her happiness .
    But i guess we were the unlucky ones and many more women like us stuck in these situations.

    Your lucky you got out im still stuck I don't have the willpower sis ..everyday I pray and beg Allah SWT to help me and guide me ... to get me out of this marriage ... I hate the site of him the pain and suffering he has put me through He will be asked on the day of Judgement and I will not forgive him as he knows i dont want to be with him and he has forcefully kept me in the marriage.


    • Salaam sis

      ..i dont know what to say....except that i came here asking for helbut after i logged in before that i had made my choice all the brothers and sisters here gave me that extra help and push and reasurance i maybe needed.

      But deep down sis. .I closed my eyes and took a few moments out....i had two ways the firt was to stay and carry on another 14 years and hopefully by then i wudnt have that long to wait till im dead max......or the second way..the true way..the way of what i found was the way of islam.....fear not of what may lay ahead..what would happen to me? Would i be ok? Would i be able to provide for the girls? Would i be worse off? Etc..the list is endless......i thought to myself.....NO...dont..just put your faith in Allah.....he wont let anything happen inshaAllah as my intentions are clean....justtake the step and inshaAllah we will all be ok

      and i did and i have.....the first few days i spent taking deep breaths without knowing it.....n now i am in the same house bt now it feels like home Alhamtholillah.....i live for the sake of Allah......

      Sis put your faith in Allah its never too late to make a change in the right way..follow what Allah has advised and taught us u will never go wrong are in my duaz...

      Again i would like to thank all my brothers and sisters whp hrlped and commented

  19. Salaam brothers and sisters..

    Well I guess it's been a while ... It's been 20 years since marriage... You've guessed it I'm still with him 🙁

    Although a lot has happened since ... I've given many many many chances to make things better .. He even admitted to Zina and I still forgave him hoping things would change I mean who am I to judge I am no better ... But still he refused to change his mentality the mental torture continues..

    Although saying that since my last post I have managed to get on my feet I have a full time job and have bought my own property now so the financial side isn't as scary ...

    We have just decided a few days ago that it's best to give up there is no sexual relationship there I just can't do it anymore ... I just feel so bad ... He has no where to go except renting some random room I worry for him so much ... I wouldn't want him to feel hurt because of me ...

    Ami doing the right thing u am scared about the future but don't want to stay in this messed up marriage we will end up straying I'm sure and j don't want that I want to do what Islam says surly there is someone out there for me ....

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