Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I lie about my sexuality to my parents?


Salam dear Brothers and Sisters,

I may apology for my English and for not be able to express myself correctly.

I'm a 22 year old woman.
I always felt pretty different than my friends, they would look at boys and talk about them, or then they would see someone nice, they would notice him immediately. And I always was the one who had no interest and that was because I never had, I never felt attracted to them or find them appealing, of course I would never say something out loud. I always found girls cuter and sweeter.
The first time I had a crush on, was my female teacher and there it hid me that I really never found any male attractive.

I never acted on my desire on woman and I never Insaalah will, but it's really hard and I fell in deep depression, because I could never talk about this topic to anyone anywhere. When the topic Homosexuality fell, I was always confronted with disgust and hatred, which did hurt me to, but I kept still.

I got over my depression when I started to wear my hijab and started to commit to Allah with 18. I regret that I stared so lately with my Imam, but I'm happy that I did this step, Allah surely did help me through my depressive state, but I can't get over my desire for woman, I prayed for Allah, that I could at least feel some attraction to man, but it's not happening.

I just can't imagine myself with a men and that I should be sexually active with him and bear his children. It just seems not right for me.
However my mother brings this topic so ever often, we start to discuss things, then I say to her that I don't want to marry or use the excuse that I'm currently studying and have no interest in marriage, she always says that I will fall in with someone a would want to marry him.

I just can't go to her and say that I don't like men right? But lying is a big sin in Islam, I really don't know what to do.
Wouldn't my parents would be confronted from Allah, why they couldn't marry me to a men, as they should.
Isn't it a sin not to marry someone, but it really eats me then I think about it.

I'm sorry for my ranting here, but I need to talk someone who can help me neutrally.

assalamu alaikum


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8 Responses »

  1. [comment removed by editor]

    • Assalaamualaikam

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      Midnightmoon editor

  2. Well i cant really say that i feel what you are going through.. but homosexuality or any other premartial sexual desires are not a sin as long as we dont indulge into the physical activity. So in my opinion you shouldnt feel bad about yourself.

    However, since getting physically activated premaritally is sinful, and someone with homosexual attractions cant really marry on their desires, under islamic laws so unfortunatly your sexual desires may not materialise without being sinful.

    From here in my opinion you have two options

    1. Stay virgin, without getting into any physical activity.
    2. Marry a guy.

    You may not like him, or the sexual activity at the beggining, but with God willing, you may start liking it. Even if you dont, you have a chance to reproduce with him, and have love of your kids.

    So the question about lying. In my humble opinion, you wont be lying since you havent been asked the question yet. And if with time, your sexuality changes you may not even have to.answer it and if doesnt it will just be like controlling your desires before marriage. And fighting your nafs, is something Allah wants from. We all have our demons to.fight and nafs to battle with.

    Hope you have the strength to go through it.

    And if you do decide to get married, i would suggest you to select and man who is soft at heart and focused on career or education above all things.

  3. Sincerely pray to Allah. He will guide you buy you must look with an open heart and mind. Make this dua, o Allah make me want what you want for me.
    Since you a practising Muslimah you should know that just like lying is a sin, homosexuality is a bigger sin in Islam. Pre-marital, extra marital what ever the case, it's clear cut haram. Clear cut.

    If you Change your thoughts, you'll change your feelings. Try it. All of our feelings comes from what we think about.
    Change your thoughts to what's pleasing to Allah then your feelings will soon follow. This attitude will give you greater freedom and peace of mind. Remember be sincere to Allah. What he has made haram, will never be halal. Under any conditions.

  4. if you research a little, you will find that sexual orientation of women is a lot more fluid than for men. Straight women frequently end up getting into relationships with their female friends in times of emotional vulnerability or high passion. They may even date for years - only to still identifiy as straight afterwards.

    Womens sexuality is very complicated, but ultimately more focused on emotions than images. A certain type of man could very well turn very appealing to you. I would suggest you contemplate what psychological and emotional factors makes connecting with women easier to you, and then try and find a man who posseses those good qualities. I know a number of lesbians who went straight upon accepting Islam. Youll have to search your emotions.

    Sorry for your difficult trial. May Allah grant you ease.

  5. Sister you just haven't met the right man yet. Here is my suggestion, and please forgive me if it is not pure Islam (but it has worked for me): Actively look for someone to just be friends with, not for marriage purposes, such as a Muslim male coworker or Muslim male student. Then talk to him like a friend, go to lunch, and get to know him better. You don't need to marry him, but this will help you to have realistic standards for what to search for when looking for men. Also, if you have male family members who you are friends with, talk to them like friends and see what are good things in them. You need to realize that women are not the only sweet people in this world. You need to know what is good in men, so that when you see someone who has those good characteristics, then you know that you should not let him walk away. Especially for women struggling with homosexual shaitans, the amount of men who seem attractive to us are very limited.

    InsshAllah you will find that One good man who is not like the others, and then you can marry him and be rid of homosexual thoughts because you are satisfied with having a best friend for life. It worked for me and I just know that you can do it too sister!

  6. Ishaq: Straight women frequently end up getting into relationships with their female friends in times of emotional vulnerability or high passion. They may even date for years - only to still identify as straight afterwards.......... I know a number of lesbians who went straight upon accepting Islam.

    You are implying frequently women become bisexual and lesbians can go straight if they want too.

  7. 1st of All I'm going strait to the point so be
    Understanding and patience. ..You must see a sunni scholor at the mosque or mufti....tell him how you feel on paper..Ask him if he can examine me to see if I have a jinn or black magic done on me.....I say this because of my experience and knowledge of this.....I do know that sometimes the harmo es can be inbalanced so there is medication for this but like said you have to take action and then see a Muslim doctor because she will give you an advice with prescription to cure.....My wife's cousins have this proemail and they take type of medicine

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