A non-muslim woman, should I marry a muslim man?
Can Muslim-Christian marriages work?
hello everybody...my case is very specific and strange 🙂 I'm a young european girl. I met a guy online, one year ago. He is from egypt. I'm a liberal catholic, he is an religous muslim. we started talking every day, and somehow we just clicked, and with time we fell in love with each other. We never saw each other in person, but through web cam (if anyone before tell me that I will find love over the internet I would laugh at his face). I had many bfs before, even slept with some, and he is a virgin. Although he knows that, he is trying very hard to accept it, but still he wants me to change many other things like drinking,going to clubs, HUGGING people. I really don't understand that part. He wants me to stop hugging even my cousins (with one I'm so close, I feel like he is my brother; when I told that to my "bf" he got mad at me and told me - u have only one brother!), and i'm afraid that they would all think that I'm crazy or something, when I tell them not to hug me anymore.
Although I could give up from all those things for him, I'm still afraid of living there and leaving my country and all that I know. I never even been to egypt, and I know so little about Islam and everything. We already talked about marriage and how would we act if we marry one day. I agreed that our children can be muslims, and I would have to give up from many other things for him, but he wants me to change myself for me, not for him. But I can't see all those things wrong, as I'm raised in a liberal country, and very different society...do you think is possible for me to adjust EVER to that life? And will I be happy with him?
I've read older post, and i'm not so sure about it :/ please help me, I'm desperate...because I didn't even tell anyone for him, and I don't know with who I can talk to ask for any advice, or to share my problem. we took a break, he told me to decide whether I will change my life, or I will keep living my old life. Although he said that he would never ask me to convert, I'm afraid that with time he would change and want me to give up for him more and more...I don't know will I be able to stand all that. If anyone had a similar situation, please help me. Thanks!
-confused 12
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
There are a couple of yellow flags I see with the situation you're describing. The first one deals with how he would accept you if you were to marry, and the second is dealing with how you would accept him.
As a Muslim, he should be entitled to practice as he is convicted without pressure from his wife to change or "water down" what he does. That means if you were to marry him, you would have to be ok with not only all his religious activities such as prayer and fasting etc, but him not wanting to go out with you dancing or having to be around your female friends if they come visit you. You would have to be willing to still live much of the life you're used to without him, because as a Muslim he is not going to want to engage in certain activities you might regularly do. You have to ask yourself (and nobody can answer for you): could you be happy spending life married to someone you can only share part of your life with?
Secondly, since there is 'no compulsion in religion' according to Islam, he would have to be willing to accept you as you are now without expecting the changes he's already begun to ask of you (ie: not hugging, not drinking alcohol, etc). He would have to be willing to marry you and accept you as you are, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to do that right now. I'm sure the same thing I said above would apply to him as well- he is probably trying to decide if he could live with someone who is different from him in many of the ways he values.
It sounds like you two may have found good friendship with one another, but marriage would be a strong challenge for the both of you that you both would have to be equally committed to overcoming despite the stress that would inevitably come. Since you are taking time to think this over, make sure you assess things "as they are" instead of "how they could be". Usually the here and now is more reliable of an indicator of how things will play out than all the hypothetical situations we can imagine under ideal circumstances.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Peace be unto you Confused12,
It is this guy whose name should be "confused" and not yours.
He should not ask for changes overnight. When Islam came in Arabia, people were in a much more " liberal" society than yours and even more ignorant. There was much nudity, unlawful sex and fornication, alcohol, and much vices prevelant.
So when Islam came, the basic message was God is One. Shun idol worship, human worship or any worship of trees, seas, celestial objects or any part of creation. Worship only the One who created it all. So people were first exposed to Islam by its "monotheism", the realization that there is a High, Mighty God who is ever watchful of our actions and after dying and being dust and bones, there will be resurrection and Allah will raise up the dead to life and all humankind will be answerable for their deeds.
So when people began to realize the truth of this, they began to accept Islam, when their faith became firm, Allah revealed verses for their good life, to bring them out of ignorance to light and to show them a direction from their wandering blindly and to bring them in to Paradise when they were on the verge of Entering the Fire of Hell.
The revelations made clear for them how to save themselves from sins and gain paradise. Some of these were to purify religion for Allah, being monotheists, to pray to Allah, to give alms to the needy, to feed the poor, to be clean by mind and by body, to maintain some distance from women, from unlawful sex, from being intimate with women without marriage, keeping gaze low, wearing modest clothes covering the ful body as described in the book of Allah, the Qur'an, then to be good, kind, not cheat, fear Allah and hope from Him, not to go near to Alcohol nor games of chance, to leave fortunetellers, because only Allah knows the Hidden and the proclaimed, to leave vain conversations such as gatherings of poets and song performers etc and to strive for spreading this truth with wealth and lives and all things that are wasted and not good and commands of all things that make a up a good human being.
All this process took about 22-23 years time from the first revelation to the last. A change may require lot of time, perseverance and efforts.
You being brought up in an altogether different society cannot change yourself to new ideas without a "will" from within. If you change for someone, that would be under pressure and the person in you who belonged to a different society would raise up objections to it again and there would be rebellion.
So better is that, you leave the chapter of this guy aside for a few days. Ask him to give you some time to think about Islam, this way you can calm down your nerves.
After that, download the Qur'an in your language from internet, read it, see it if interests you, captures your mind and there is a voice inside saying, yes, come forward, come forward, read more, do more, then Insha Allah, you may also go to a near by mosque or neighbouring Muslim friends, ask them you like to know more about the practices of prayer, etc in Islam and want more knowledge of the Qur'an, once you get to know that, Insha Allah, your heart will give you a clear reply.
This may take a day, a week, a month, an year or much more.
So you should download Qur'an in your language, ask leave of the guy for now, do not make any decision like marriage in haste and then you later regret and write a post to us saying, I married and Egyptian Muslim and he did this and he did that to me.
Be firm, for your own self, for your own good, take leave from him for now in kindness, tell him you want to have a look at Islam and then decide about marriage.
Once you know what is Islam and what you ought to do as a Muslim woman, Insha Allah, if Allah wills, I think you should be able to decide upon the future course of actions.
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Munib.
As salamu alaykum, confused 12,
I´m seeing some issues you should look closer before making any movement in any direction.
Your past will be a big issue against the Peace of your future relationship, is being hard for him already to swallow it, he is shaping you already and not accepting you as you are, he is having an internet relationship with you and you are trapped in this falling in love game, you are surrendering to his will because you love him, you are changing habits, because you love him, ..... and you doubt.
You doubt because what is moving you to the changes is not your inner urge to be a better human being and to be closer to God, what is moving you is your "love" towards him. God has infinite ways to get closer to us, but in this case, I believe that if you follow your "virtual relationship" with this man your life will be a neverending struggle.
This kind of internet search reminds me of hunting, this person shows to you what he wants you to know, controls your life, knows every little detail of your routine, you may think he is the most pious and chast of the men but how do you know that for real, how do you know he is not already married or commited to marry, how do you know his family would accept a catholic or a convert? Too many questions and time pass by and you get more and more involved because you "love"him and you "cannot live without his controlling procedures what you have interpreted is because he loves you and cares about you".
All of this scares me, and you know what scares me the most, this is a secret relationship, and at one point, you may leave your family, your enviroment, your culture and all that you know to go running when he says, now. This is very dangerous. I know I am being quite harsh on this but the process sounds too familiar to me.
My advice is to stop any kind of relationship with this man and begin a process of getting to know who you really are, which your roots are, what you want in your life, what moves you in this life, and getting to know yourself, having strong foundations you may be guided to God and your relationship towards Him, If God wants it. You need to be strong by yourself before entering any relationship that will make your own being to dissapear creating what others wants you to be, God forbids.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor