Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry an ugly person?

Muslim woman in hijab

AoA, i am in a very confusing situation that i got committed 2 years back,my fiance was not a good looking person even at that time (chubby & dark, but he took care of his appearance & tried to maintain) but i was impressed from his kind nature, still he is good at character really cares for me but after some time he stopped caring about his appearance

he started looking ugly, even more dark, he got weight gain (115kgs) & looks so fat now a days, he is getting so bad that even after remembering all his else character i do not any more feel attracted to him,

i really tried to cope up with him but i feel disconnected to him & i am scared that i will not be happy with him or may fall into sin by looking or falling for other men, also hurting my fiance. (may Allah save us from all the sins)

i need a suggestion should i marry him or not as marriage is a very sacred bond between two persons & needs attraction to each other, please suggest me an answer in accordance to Islamic guidelines related to marriage,

thank u so much

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8 Responses »

  1. You’re right - You do need attraction in marriage for it to work.

    I don’t understand how his being ‘dark’ Is a problem??? I don’t understand when you guys write that- how is that an issue?
    That is very superficial!

    You like his nature, right?
    If you like his nature, then surely his physical appearance should not be such a problem ?


    • It's not more wrong of people to have a preference in terms of skin colour as it is for people to have a preference when it comes to hair colour, weight, height, religion, and so on. You can't shame someone for what they are attracted to. It's not like they can help it. I'm personally also not attracted to dark-skinned people. Doesn't mean I'm racist or superficial, it just means that's what my preference happens to be.

      You can't on one hand agree with the fact that people need to be attracted to their spouse, then call someone superficial when they tell you what they are attracted to. It's not up to you to decide what's okay to be attracted to, and what's not okay to be attracted to. Just because skin colour isn't important to you, doesn't mean you can impose your own opinion onto others, calling them superficial if they don't share it.

      To OP:
      If the attraction is not there, I don't think you should marry this man. Good character or not, if the sight of him repulses's not good. And likely not something that will change after you marry him. So let him go so you both can find more suitable partners.

  2. I think that if he doesn't take care of himself now - hes only going to get worse later.
    And its not an easy thing to talk about even once you're married.

  3. Isn't associating darkness to uglyness a form of contemptible narrow-mindedness and disdainful outlook ? Being of dark complexion has nothing to do with ugliness whatsoever. It's a cultural problem, particularly in Indian subcontinent Muslim societies where they view fair complexion as some form of previlage. Its really very annoying and emotionally hurtful characteristic.

    Yes, I agree he can take care of his chubbiness and become a bit leaner , so to say . You can egg on him gently and politely to take care of his weight. Or you can have some well-respected elder get involved and talk to him about this. Still if you don't like him , you have all the right to choose for yourself and talk to your parents about it. This way you can save yourself from potential unhappy and distressfull marriage...

  4. Attraction comes in all forms not just the physical. You can develop attraction too as well lose attraction.

    So many guys who are out of shape don't desire to change. But are forced due to no one is willing to consider them regarding marriage. Hes doing something which he doesn't want.

    Its very hard to find someone who will accept for who they are. Rather I hear he should be this and that. To your liking. Is it hard accepting for who he is?

    If you not happy, please just part ways. It will be better for the both of you.. Plenty of guys out there. If you not feeling it heart not fully into being with someone like that. Will end up with regrets.

  5. Exactly my point.
    Associating ‘darkness’ with ugliness and contempt is wrong, however much we try to sugarcoat it.

    Of course, people have different qualities that they are attracted to. They have their own preferences.
    There’s no black or white letter law or any precedent to legalise or regulate attraction. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

    It’s perfectly healthy and important for you to want to be attracted to your partner. Attraction is crucial.
    So I hope you find someone who you’re attracted to.

    But associating dark with ugly is so wrong- on so many levels.

  6. If you have doubts now, it will get worse. Save both of you selves unhappiness and any future children too. Call it off and find someone you feel is suitable. But agree someone being dark is not their fault. They can only work on what is changeable and being dark is not.

  7. I agree with others, associating skin color with beauty is wrong. However from what you mention, it seems like he is no longer good enough for you to accept even with his fine character.

    I would suggest you to end it ASAP. Attraction comes from many things and having a decently healthy and fit body and mind are part of it. As well as maintaining those in order to keep your partner interested. It seems that your fiance is not in a great place. We should seek to keep our bodies healthy first and formostly for our own well being. Its a source of confidence as well. He has obesity and this may cause a lot of health issues in the near future. You may start resenting his lack of care and eventual dependency on you due to those health issues thus affecting the marriage.

    It's better to end it now and let him be to sort and figure out his issues both physical and emotional. You're not obliged to share them with him.

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