Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry her?

confusion decision

Asalaamaweilikoem dear brothers and sisters,
i have a question that bothering me for quiet some time now
wich goes about a girl i love butt who is no longer a virgin and considering if i should marry her
let me tell you the whole story and with ALLAH(swt) help i can find some usefull advice here
yazzaka allah khairun

let me tell first something bout myself
im a 26year old guy from morocco whos life hasnt been the greatest example from a believers perspective
im coming from a broken home where the parents where divorced wich made life very hard for my sister and 2brothers and me
my youth was complicated and difficult cause my father whas never around and my mother had it very hard trying to take care off us
so i basically grew up on the streets commiting all kinds of sins like drinking smoking selling drugs and commiting zina
i was chasing dunya and all its fake desires
butt HAMDOULLAH there came a time that ALLAH made me see what i was doing wrong and i started praying and since that day ive never stopped doing it and may i do so untill the day i die INCHÄLLAH
i gave up and repented from the most majors sins i was commiting butt everybody knows that nobody is perfect and we are still ment to make mistakes
so i met a girl 2summers ago a moroccan one from rabat
we met and fell in love with eachother and commited zina may ALLAH SWT forgive me for this
she was not a virgin and was dating someone before she met me so i was her supposed second wich who she slept with
when the summer finished we sayd goodbye to eachother cause we where both studying in different european countrys
so we had less contact as the time was going forward butt i really had strong feelings for this girl and she did two i think wich maybe become clear to everybody as you go further in the story
so as time passed by we almost didnt had contact anymore and she started to see someone else a non-muslim guy
i realized this when i started seeing fbpictures of both off them together holding hands and all that kind of stuff
so i decided to put her out my head and forget about her for the best.......
meanwhile i had to to do prisontime in another country on drugcharges and i was facing time for 2years
so after like spending like 6 MONTHS in a prison where i was far away from home where i had no visits barely moneyorders coming through and no contact from the outside world whatsover butt HAMDOULLAH through praying and with much help from ALLAHswt i stayd strong and patient
so after 6months i was able to buy a phone from a fellow inmate so i could stay in touch with my relatives and i started talking to my friend sometimes when he told me that this very same girl is asking a lot about me
wich i didnt understand cause i was under the impression thats she was seeing someone else
so i told him to tell her that im locked away for a long time so she would leave me alone.....cause to tell the truth i was suffering when i found out she had someone else and sheitan was making me feel very bad,and i already was very stressed bout my certain situation at that point and didnt want to add to the great psyschological problems off wich i was suffering from my time that i was spending there up in prison
so he told her and when she heared about the news my friend told me that she started crying inmediately and would do anything to get a chance to talk to me
so against my advice in he gave her my number and she contacted me
to be honest when i heared her voice after such a long time i was losing my mind wich was all part of sheitan plan i guess la hawlaa koewata illa billaah
so we started talking again cause again i had nobody to talk to at that time and only got a few calls sometimes from my mother to check how i was doing
and she was there to fill the empty space of severe lonelyness for me
i asked her if it was true that she was seeing someone else and she admitted to me that it was true and that its been going on for almost 7months and that she was sleeping with him and that things where pretty serious
so i asked here why you still wanna talk to me for???she claimed that she still really loved me and that she couldnt forget about me butt i told her that i can accept this what is going on right now and i started really suffering about the whole situation together with the painfull and hard time i was having in prison
butt we still talked almost daily and she tried to explain that she doesnt have any feelings for the guy she was seeing now and only did it cause of her financial problems and she needed someone to help her get valid permanent papers cause she was only living there with a studentvisum
my heart couldnt accept all the things she was telling me and i was getting tired of it very quickly so we argued a lot the fact that we was talking while she was sitting there with someone wouldt believe the pain i was going through at that very point and i told her eventually that she needed to make a choice so one day her friend caught proof off our messages and confronted her with this and told her that she needs to forget about me and never talk to me again.
One day they had a fight and she was left with the choice of staying with him or giving it all up and continue with me and at that time i was still facing time for about a year or so
she choose to dump the other guy and continue with me and that she would wait untill i got out off prison she tried to visit me while she was living 2000km away from me and was willing to take a plain just to spend 2hours in the visitroom with me butt the visitcontrolls office denied her demand cause off lack off certain papers wich she could not get at that point
so we continued to talk everyday and i was explaining to her that the only way this relationship could succeed is when both off us sincerely repent off all we did before through and continue by marriage in the soenna way
She told me that she was prepared to do this as soon as she finished her studies wich i respected
she comes from a non practicall muslim family where she was allowed to go out wich she did a lot at that time and she also drunk alcohol at that point
butt by showing patience in that time and talking to her bout what she was doing isnt right and i talked to her bout ALLAH and that life is only temporary and that our sins will be accounted for one day and that we chould change for the best for the sake of our own souls and she slowly started to listen to me
she started reading the coran praying once in a while and she eventually decided to stop going out wich made me so happy at that point to hear great news like that ALLHAMDOULLILAH she was just waiting for me to get out so we could start a new life with eachother i was planning on getting out finding a decent job leaving everything that was doing me bad behind me together with the woman that gave up everything just to be with me
butt as time passed we was fighting a lot and the paroleboard kept denieying my demand for early releases untill one day i lost my senses and did a terrible thing and posted a halfnude picture of her on fb wich ashamed her in front off everybody she know including family MAY ALLAH swt forgive me for this great sin ive commited may he forgive me for my mistakes and may the devill be cursed for what i did
SHE fell onto the floor they had to take her to the emergencyhospital where she suffered from a psychological breakdown she didnt talk to anybody for days and had to follow pschychiatric counsil for some time
her parents eventually find out what was going on and forbid her to ever talk to me again
i tried to contact her a lot off times butt she didnt want to talk to me and i was at the point of losing my mind
i prayd to ALLAH for so long and so many night with tears in my prayers in hoping that he will forgive me for this horrible act that ive commited
so after trying 1000 of times of trying to make it work again between us by contacting her family and friends all hope was lost at that moment i thaught ive lost her forever this time and i was going through all of this when i was locked up in prison with nobody to trust and nobody to talk to
so eventually i got out i went to vacation on morocco the first day i arrived i tried to call her again to apologize and maybe make things work between us butt she still didnt want to talk to me
so i eventually gave up on her and decided to put her out my mind once and for all
SOEBHALLAH so my vacation was coming to an end and 2days before i was planning to leave
i received a call from her???
she told me she wanna see me and talk to me in person
I mean i was so confused by all of this and i didnt understand
im like why you wanna see me she told me didnt know exactly why butt she did
i was really confused by all of this and butt still i believed this was my chance to apologize to her in person so i agreed to meet with her
so we talked things out and she wanted to continue with me she sayd
and in that same summer she met another guy who she was dating with butt she didnt slept with him cause there was no feelings she said
adoe billaah mina sheitan i rajiem i mean she was back to her old self drinking and smoking and going out again
and we met a few times and now i guess we are back together
butt i told her i didnt want to continue like this anymore
i wanna marry her so we can start all over and do this in a soenna way
i dont want nothing else she tells me that her parents will maybe not accept me for what i did and that its become difficult for her to do such a thing right now and that i should be patient and in time she will talk to them
i really dont know what do do anymore with this girl
i mean i have strong feelings for her butt i really dont know if i should be patient to see if she changes and to see if things get better or should i just give up and look for another spouse
i mean i really wanna marrry and change my life for the sake of ALLAH
im tired of haram zina and all these things thats going on in dunya
i wanna settle down have kids live my life in a soenna way as GOD commanded me to do butt im stuck in a pit cause i dont know what to do
please my fellow brothers and sister if you have some good advice give it to me BARAK ALLAH FIKOEM
pls dont judge me or her nobody was ment to be perfect
i just wanna know should i wait untill i get a chance to marry her and show patience or should i just continue my life and look for someone else
salaamaweilikoem wa rahmatoullah.


Tagged as: , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. OP: i have a question that bothering me for quiet some time now which goes about a girl i love butt who is no longer a virgin and considering if i should marry her.

    You already had sex with her, so what difference it makes if she no longer has hymen. From your story it apears you both are made for each other.

  2. Take a deep breath. Life is full of trials and problems and it may seem very hard, but in reality only the Hereafter and where we'll end up after death really matters. You went through a very difficult childhood with little guidance from an adult. I'm not someone with a lot of knowledge, but I would absolutely recommend to start praying the five prayers. I give you my word- when someone starts sincerely praying, reading Qur'an and making dua, it's like you found the missing piece to your life, and Allah helps you fix everything, although since this life is a test, it takes time. You wanted to keep contact with the girl because you had nothing to look forward to- but know now that this is the past. Right now, repent and try to start again.

    I know it sounds harsh, but while you're finishing the sentence, try not to speak with her. In Islam she's a non-mahram and speaking in seclusion is not allowed. Howhever, after you get out, you can go to her family and apologize and ask for forgiveness. When you posted the picture, it really damaged her reputation and that of her parents, who love her so much. Since she's still a human being, I think she deserves that much. An apology.

    If she becomes practicing and you think you can go along with it, although that might be difficult because of what happened, it's a choice but I would recommend that after apologizing that you move on. Get a job and start off with a clean slate.

    Make lots of dua. This is a decision you alone have to make, but Allah is with you, so please don't stress too much. As a saying goes, every righteous person has a past, and every sinner has a future.

    I hope my advice helped in any way. May Allah forgive me if I've said anything wrong.

    Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

  3. I think you should marry her her past obviously was not an issue if you have already been in a relationship with her. You also made mistakes and seems you both do like each other. You both can marry if you are serious only you can change that if you want commitment and marriage halaal way.

  4. You are still in a very strong emotion in dealing with everything related to her. Any strong emotion - love or hate; like or dislike will lead you to bias decision.

    If you truly like her, propose her and keep in a distance between you and her. Let both of you observe each other for about a year. Tell her what you want this relationship will go e.g keep it halal, changes in both of you by learning in Islam - establishing your prayer daily, going to the masjid, joining in classes in the masjid. Also you may like to set up some guidelines or direction about developing both of your career / education, choosing friends criterion, etc, etc . Your normal life seem a mess as well! You may need help from your friends and family to maintain your both relationship in a healthy way, e.g. seeing each other with the presence of your family members. If she shows no effort to change or you show no effort to change, then both of you should call off the marriage in a year or two.

    The question bothering you about she is not a virgin. Why does it sudden bothering you? Is it because you don't trust her that she will remain faithful to you after married? Or is it you justify yourself to be a better person than her? You should understand her of "not being a virgin" more than anyone as you are not a virgin yourself. Both have your past and should be repented and forgiven. However, if the reason is the first one, try to give both of you sometimes to see if there is any changes or commitment to change is made, then you can make a decision. If you think you are a better person than her, I will tell you in your face that you don't deserve her and you just want an excuse to leave her AND you are a hypocrite. This kind of "sudden become a religious man syndrome" always serve a good excuse for man to marry a virgin or get out from a zina relationship. Do you see any logic behind it? If she is the one you love and she makes effort to change, be patient with her and guide her through the journey.

    • I agree with what you are saying its true reality of what happens in most cases unfortunately. Its a shame when someone has used someone and all of the sudden certain requirements matters this is HYPOCRISY its unbelievable.

  5. Hello there,
    Your story took me on a journey, on a conflict and I understand where your great confusion is coming from.
    When we have strong feelings for someone it's hard to comprehend what we want, what we're doing and what's good for us, especially when there's a long history of issues between you too.

    However, one must detach himself from the tornado of feelings and look at it objectively cuz this is marriage we're talking about, that might involve kids too soon and then the problem gets bigger.
    I know this sounds impossible because they are two powers fighting inside of you; that's why I think and i STRONGLY recommend , my brother, you should ask Allah because he is the only one who knows what's best for us.

    *Make salat al isstikhara, purify your heart and intention and do it until you get the sign.
    But you didn't tell us if she also has the same plans as you ?
    Is she ready to settle down with you and forget about all the past, does she trust you enough? do you trust her ? you don't want post marriage doubt and excessive jealousy problems which may lead you to physically abuse her or gets you into a frantic mental state.

    So you may want to slow down a little bit for now, think it thoroughly and with the help of Allah, inchAllah you'll find yourself making the good decision.

    Take care of yourself,

Leave a Response