Should I marry her now I know that she has not saved herself for marriage?
Assalamu 'alaykum
I live in Australia and I wanted to get married and so I was introduced to a Muslimah by my aunt. She lives in Indonesia. After the meeting, I decided to marry her and I proposed her and then we set a wedding date. Now I am back to Australia and we will do the wedding in Indonesia in a couple of months. It was a quick decision from me to marry her as I had a dream about her in my Istikhara and she seemed to be happy to hear that I was proposing her.
Now I found out that she is not a virgin and she admitted that she had committed adultery when she was in high school (she is 23 now). Now I am really confused about what to do. On one hand I still want to marry her as she appeared in my dream but on the other hand she is not a virgin.
Please give me advise regarding this matter, and please advise me what to do ... this matter really broke my heart and I can't do nothing but to ask forgiveness from Allah.
Wassalam
~Dede
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My Heart goes out to you Stay strong Allah is by your side x
do you really want to run the risk that 1 day she will cheat on you ? 10 physical with her you might get thoughts of what she was like with the other man. if you can live with that then that's fine go ahead and marry her.
if you are already unsure then that uncertainty will grow with time
Asalaam alaikum Dede,
Here are some questions that I believe you need to ask yourself that I gave to another brother in a similar situation.
Why do you value a virgin woman to the extent of ending this possible marriage? I do not mean to devalue virginity, but to ask you to question what your own individual desires, needs and wants are in this matter with sincerity. If you need a virgin that is fine and acceptable, but just consider in-depth why you feel this way.
By answering that question, you will be able to examine your intentions in this matter and you will be able to ascertain whether you will be able to forgive and forget her past.
Also, how did you find out exactly? If it was through geebah/gossip than please understand that it was only meant to harm her and you. If it was through her confession alone, she was trying to be truthful and to set the past behind you two, so that you could have an honest beginning. Think about that.
Read the other post on this exact subject, and follow the guidance, dont mean to play it down, but your marrying her soul, not her body, so while it may be a issue if you have a big enough heart you can forgive and accept her,
I agree with u. The woman should be given a chance, especially when she had confessed her fault. Its human being who commits mistakes. So my advice is that forget her past and accept her.
Just because she's not a virgin doesn't mean she's gonna cheat on you! And that was a long time ago! Everyone makes mistakes! If she would cheat on you again she wouldn't have told you the truth! It takes a lot of courage a girl to tell their finace something like this because they know the guy might leave them! I'm sorry but if you don't except her then that's a shame because there are so many guys who are not virgin and you can't tell If they are or not and they Mary virgins and that's not fair!! I think it's fair that she told you the truth! If she didn't care about you or anything like that she wouldnt tell you! She was honest with you, now she is a full grown women who knows what's right and wrong. I'm sorry but it really bothers me when guys talk about not accepting a girl for marriage because their not a virgin! Talk to her and if she has realized her mistake and repented then accept her.
The Prophet (SAW) did not marry virgins except for Aisha (RA) bu ny that time, he himself was also not a virgin! We muslims have continued to hold pagan beliefs of wanting to only marry a virgin (and have surgeries in Egypt etc to "regain" virginity!!) when the Quran says we should marry the most righteous and believing woman.
Are you marrying this woman for who she is or marrying her body parts??? Argggggghhhhhhhh!! WHAT is wrong with men (and their mothers who pass this from generation to generation -atleast in my Pakistani culture, when their sons are not virgins themselves!)
Assalaamu'alaikum Bro
Alrite like other brothers n sisters said, u should marry her for the Taqwah she had developed in her heart now. May be before because of environment and friends, this has influenced her alot and was not able to hold the pressure and she had just follow her lust (desires). So, Bro actually if she was under the wings of a mahram, all this wouldn't have happened. This is one of the problem in our society. We let our sisters to go abroad and perform their higher studies without mahram. May Allah Ta'ala helps us all.
So, if she had good character, especially Taqwah...move forward, ull be the happiest man on earth Bro...she will look after ya very well. U just need to let go of the past. Like one of our sister's said, its not easy for a girl to admit this. So, she want to have a family, start a new relationship which insha-Allah will be permanent. She had accepted her mistake, so forgive her becoz if she did repent, for sure Allah Ta'ala has forgiven her.
I know its somehow difficult but if u take ur istikhaarah into consideration....hmmmm...up to u bro, u know what i mean. But please bro never use this against her coz this will break her heart...please dont ever never tell her this...please, in case of some misunderstanding, oki!!! Coz guys sometime when they feel the danger coming, they just pull the trigger without having any idea of the result, im a guy like u even if im not married yet but Alhamdulillah i understand. So careful...for sure Allah Ta'ala will test u in zat...so take care
Happy Marriage Bro...i make Du'a that Allah Azza Wajal brings u peace in ur marriage, make u to accept the soul of this lady, that u treat her well with affection n love all the time and vice-versa but keep steadfast in ur Deen n make Da'wah to Allah Ta'ala...Take Care
bye
Ma'assalaama
Bother if you are a virgin yourself then you do deserve a virgin . Ignore all the nonsense and psychological attack that has been posted above to convince you into marrying some one you don't prefer.
Every one has preferences, so do you brother . No one should tell you that you must compromise your desires, which are in this case justified assuming that you are a virgin yourself.
Go on brother, if you don't feel like marrying this women then leave her. You must find yourself a good muslim women who values here chastity highly .
Personally speaking, I would have said her goodbye.
I believe that you are mistaken as to why this brother should examine his preferences and you may have overlooked the egotistical perspective. In this regard, we should all examine our preconceptions of what we want and desire.
For example, if he solely wants a virgin for the purpose of saying, "I was here first," as a badge of honor, then this is based solely on his ego. He would have merely valued his wife as a sexual plaything and would in the future have trouble eliminating his ego from their sexual life, thereby running into future problems of equal satisfaction and fulfillment. Thus, it would be circumspect and a misconception of what sexual copulation with his wife should be about.
If however, he waned to draw from the first sexually charged emotional experience with her as a spiritual and emotional connection, then this is a deeper psychological need that would be more than just his ego, but would extend to her, as well. This would be a desire he would not be able to fully satisfy with this particular girl and therefore, should consider looking for a virgin partner.
This goes beyond a personal preference that makes someone choose between an apple or an orange, but it is understanding ourselves and how we shape our decisions. Choosing a wife is more than a selfish preference, but a conscious decision based on understanding ourselves and what we hope to accomplish with another human being through love in the presence of Allah (swt).
Those who understand themselves in this context will make better partners for healthier and long lasting marriages.
If she told you herself that she was not a virgin then it shows that at least she's trying to be honest with you. Your istikhara showed you a good dream but it means you will have to be cautious of her in the marriage, though that doesn't mean you should be suspicious of her 24/7 because that can ruin the marriage. It's said that it is best to do istikhara for 7 days to get an appropriate answer. Now that you have learned of this new piece of information maybe you should do istikhara again.
Fabbiano,
Hust two things:
- I am not sure that your understanding of Istikhara is correct regarding the 'seven day' part. Please click on the links regarding Istikhara for some detailed articles.
- If someone does not reveal to a future spouse that he/she is not a virgin does not mean they have chosen to be dishonest. By doing this, they may be trying to abide by Allah's warning to us about concealing sins, and they may be trying to protect their dignity and privacy and make a fresh start.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brother, she told you about her past, which probably means its a huge burden for her andshe is regretting it. But now you need to decide how to handle the situation, do you feel you can forget about her past and move on with her, and inshaAllah live a happy life or is this something you will find very difficult to move on from in which case it will be better for the both of you to end this engagement and look for someone else.
You need to remember though, everyone makesmistakes and if they truly repent and regret them then even Allah swt gives them a second chance, so whats stopping us from doing so? Also, who knows this one mistake may have motivated her to turn to Allah swt and increase her iman to a level she would not have achieved otherwise. At least she told you about her past, God forbid but who knows you may end up marrying someone else in the future who appears pious but is in fact corrupt.
Do istikhara again, take time to think about it. Learn more about her, try to make sure she truly regrets her past and wants to now become a good muslimah and wife. Does she have all the other qualities you are looking for ? Wil she be a good wife, a good mother? Do you thikn she will stand by you and be loyal to you as your wife. Dont judge her based on one mistake, which she did not even need to tell you about.
I pray you find peace, and make a decision best for both of you, ameen.
Brother there is no guarantee when it comes to life, you may marry a virgin and they may cheat on you, if that is your only concern then i think you need to let it go and stay with the girl.
God forbid if a female family member made such a mistake and someone judged her.
I am a young highschool girl and I know at times life can be hard and staying a virgin is more hard esp in these days sex is a normal thing. If she truly regrets it then move on and forget about her past ur marrying her soul not her body may both of u be happy bisenALLAH
I don't know why girls find it difficult to keep their virginity in young age and cry that as they were young mistakes happen for crying out loud don't they have a mind 2 determine what is righteous
Secondly , what is wrong if a man(virgin) wants a virgin wife why in this case the man's mentality is target by girls when they themselves have done wrong
Now speaking about the confession , which the girl has accepted it doesn't make wrong right , a mistake has happen confessing it won't correct it and this guy has full right to accept or regect her as per his feelings or understanding .
Is this right offcourse it is
Trueblood, your right it is up to the brother to either open up his heart and understand that she has made a mistake and accept her, or move on respectfully. The decision is his. But I think its so unfair of you to make the following comment:
"I don't know why girls find it difficult to keep their virginity in young age and cry that as they were young mistakes happen for crying out loud don't they have a mind 2 determine what is righteous".
First of all its human nature to make mistakes, we ALL make mistakes, some bigger than others. Allah swt knows that man is weak and will make mistakes, but the true test I believe is how we react afterwards. Does our mistake bring us closer to Allah swt through repentance and regret for what we have done, or do we carry on sinning until our faith becomes so weak that it becomes the norm for us.
Each individual is different, we all have a unique upbringing and go through different experiences in life which influence the decisions we make. Unfortunately sometimes we regret our past, but I believe this a good sign because it helps us better ourselves in our faith and become closer to our creator. Its wrong of you to judge people, as you have done in your comment above, you have absolutely no right because you yourself are not perfect and Im sure you have also sinned, we all have, no one except Allah swt is perfect.
So please think about what your saying next time.
WS
Yes I have sinned I'm not perfect too
But I have not lost my virginity
Losing ones virginity via sex is not a joke and its not a another sin its a major sin
And my above comments I made I said only to those girls who have done such an act and thinking if the confess then it would do any good .
I like to add y don't such girls marry those guys whom they have given authority to take away their virginity I guess for fun and joy I suppose and than go around and
Just confess and except the poor fiance to accept then and forgive their guilt . Is this right from a female perspective
Don't they have shame/ family honor to commit such a sin is this life I don't think so this is wrong
Trueblood you need to stop being so judgemental.
I read this somewhere and felt it was very appropriate for this post:
"Dont JUDGE me by my PAST , I am not in the PAST anymore. ACCEPT me for who I am because this is me TODAY
Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expression carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotion as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine. When Allah forgives the sinners and accepts their repentance then who are we to remind someone of their past and hence make his ways so troublesome with our taunts and words that he leaves the straight path and goes back in past and start committing the same sins again !"
follow ur heart...marry her only if u can forgive her....it won't be fair to either of u otherwise...
and if u forgive her then forget it too...for if u ever remind it to her again ...she will be broken.....
i think that she wanted to be fair to u,thats why she told u...seems to me to be a good girl...
bow down to Allah swt and ask HIM to help u decide before u get up...IA u will make a good decision
wasalam