Islamic marriage advice and family advice

should i marry him or not?

Assalam o Alaikum

My problem maybe a typical one but it is causing a great tension in my head. There is this cousin of mine who says that he loves me a lot and recently he has sent a proposal for me.  I am not at all sure about this marriage ever since he has sent a proposal for me. I  am so restless as if something wrong has been done.  My parents have left this decision on me so I did Istikhara 4 times but i couldn't understand any of my dreams. Apparently there is nothing wrong with this guy he is well settled and he loves me but my heart can't seem to accept it. Whenever I think of saying yes to this proposal my heart becomes so restless as if i am doing something wrong . Kindly tell me what should i do.  If this guy is so perfect then why I am not happy? Should i say yes to this proposal ?

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5 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Marriage is a huge responsibility. It is completely normal for you to be having doubts and uncertainty while trying to reach a decision about this young man. Your distress may have less to do with him and more to do with your attitude about getting married. It may be that deep down you are scared of the prospect of marriage, of transitioning from daughter to wife, and you are hesitant to make a decision for that reason.

    What you should do is write down all of the positive aspects of this young man. First, you should look into his religious background. At a minimum, he should pray the five daily prayers, attend the Friday prayer in the mosque, and fast Ramadan. His job should be something that is permissible in Islam so that his income will be blessed. If it appears he is doing well on the foundations of Islam, then move on to other things. Does he respect his family? Does he have a respectful attitude towards women? Does he understand his rights and responsibilities as a Muslim husband? And, of course, physical attraction is helpful, and some basic compatibility is a must. If he seems to be a good man who will make a committed partner to you, then you should set aside your doubts and proceed with the marriage.

    It may be that you have heard things about this young man that cause you to doubt. It is important that you have your father ask pointed questions about certain things to make sure this young man is truly a decent person worthy of marrying. He must be asked questions such as, would he ever strike a woman? What does he expect of his wife? Will you be a full-time home maker or will you work, and does he know he has no right to any money you make? Is he very strict about allowing his wife out of the house, or is he moderate? These things you must know before you marry, or else you may find yourself in a very bad situation. You can write down your questions for your father to ask the young man so you do not have to interact with him too much. If he becomes upset or angry at being asked these reasonable questions, that could be a strong indicator that he would not be appropriate for you.

    Yes, ultimately it is your decision. In order to put your heart at rest, try to look into yourself to see if the distress you feel is towards him, or towards marriage in general. If you do get positive answers to your questions, this will help you be more calm, and in that time you can seek to pray the istikhara. Of course, it goes without saying that you should be fulfilling your duties to Allah as well, by praying, fasting, making istighfar, honoring your parents, and dressing in a modest manner and not mixing with men. InshAllah, you will have a clearer picture of what you should do after you take the proper steps. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,


  2. asalamu alaikum,

    sis i suggest you dont accept his proposal. there is no point in getting married if you have doubts or things bothering you. in order for a marriage to work both partys have to put full efforts in there is no point in marrying half heartedly cos ita high possibilty it will fall through.

    instead you should rather wait find a man that you really like and when your heart feels steady and you feel ready for marriage then take that big step.

    rushing will only cause more problems.

    hope things workout...

    ma salama

  3. Asalaamualaikum Sister,

    I agree with Sister Noorah. Enquire about the person with the help of family members. If you still feel unrest in your heart, ask yourself what is causing the distress. Is it because you are not happy with something about this person or is it something else?

    Allah knows better than us, He knows what we do not. So do your best to fulfil your Islamic obligations, keep asking Allah for guidance. He will make you feel something in your heart that will give you either peace to accept this proposal or to turn away from it inshaAllah. The more you go towards Allah and do your best to fulfil your Islamic obligations, the more He will make it clearer for you.

    Best wishes
    Sister Z

  4. istikhaarah does not only give u dreams but also feelings,u feel its wrong,,,, well there is your answer.

  5. My husband always says "if in doubt...dont"

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