Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry my cousin? Who’s not at all compatible and neither a nice person?

hijab

Salam dear Brothers and Sisters
I’m 22 years old Muslim (Pakistani ) girl and I’m born and brought up in Europe.
I’m facing very hard time in my life because of my family.

Actually the story is when I was very young around 8/9 years old, my parents engaged me to my cousin who live in Pakistan. When I was around 11 years old my mother told me that I will get married to my cousin. At that point of time I didn’t knew the real meaning of marriage and I said happily ok but years later when I went to Pakistan ( around the age of 16 ) I met my cousin and honestly in the beginning he seemed to be very friendly but 1 thing I couldn’t ignore was the age difference between us ( he’s around 10 years older than me ) but I accepted that.

By the time I stayed in Pakistan, I noticed many things about him, he used to flirt with girls on Mobile or used to meet girls in private, also he had other bad habits like smoking, drinking alcohol, jobless, following no education (illiterate) but don’t know why I ignored these things maybe cause I wasn’t scared for my marriage and all.

1 day he said to mother; I don’t need your daughter I have many girls here. I cried really hard that day, just because I only said to him, why did you wake me up, you know I’m not feeling well ( I said it in a polite manner) he got angry on me and left from the place where I used to stay than after few days he came back and apologized to me. I said it's ok, it can happen and so the time passed.

1 day when I was alone (and I’m really ashamed to tell this) he kissed me. I was in shock, I never had experienced something like that in my life, I said how can you do this, he said we are going to get married in few years nothing is wrong and when I tried to ignore him, he used to say, if you do anything against my wish, I will tell everyone that we have physical relationship (which was not true) and because the whole family loves me they will believe me and nobody else will marry you and after that every time when he saw me alone he tried to kiss me.

He even said to me, I want to meet you alone, come to my room at night, thank god I realised that he was up to something and I escaped from him, than after my vacation I came back to Belgium I thought everything will be over, I don’t need to see him again but no after 2 years when I was 18, my uncle arranged some documents for him and he came to Belgium and lived few days with us and sometimes with my uncle.

I was really scared whenever he used to visit my home but thankfully my father is a very strict person and he told him, you can’t meet my daughter, she’s not your wife yet.

When the time passed he realised that living in Europe is not easy, people need to work hard for their bread and butter, it’s not like Pakistan, because he was lazy he decided to go back to Pakistan even though my mother and our family tried to understand him that if he stay in Belgium and work, he can help his parents and siblings to live a better life in Pakistan but no as selfish moron he went back to Pakistan and started again his life with Guns and Pistols.

After few days I clearly told my mother that I won’t marry him, at that point of time my mom said, you’re right he’s not the right person for you neither his family (my mother’s sister) and now the problem is when I just moved in my life when I’m doing well in my life. I’m going to complete my education after 3 years, I have started to concentrate more on Islam and try to live my life as a good Muslima.

My mother’s family called her to ask my hand again, first my mom said no to them, but after few days, she told me I want to marry you with your cousin, when I asked why? She said cause I promised my parents and I feel their soul is not happy with me. I got really angry and said to my mom, I can understand your love for your parents and I have immense respect for them cause they are my grand-parents but the fact is they are death and I’m still alive, you can’t ruin my life for them I’m your daughter. After that she came back with another argument, she said but yeah your whole family will get angry on you and if you ever go back to Pakistan nobody will accept you and talk to you. I said mama but I’m not scared of that cause I don’t live in Pakistan, my mom got very angry and she said, you will see the same guy will be happy in future whom you’re rejecting today, he will marry your cousin who live in France and you will see, they will live a happy life together and then you will be very guilty. I said no mama I wish them all the best, I won’t feel guilty cause I know, he doesn’t have any future with me.

I had long argument with my mother at the end my mom said few words to me which I will never be able to forget she said if this is your decision than I’m sorry after this I will not search any guy for you I can’t fight with my family and your fathers family. I said mama don’t do this to me, you know papa will get me married to someone from his family and his family is very orthodox, girls are not allowed to complete their education neither they are allowed to work, you have always fought for me why not now?

But my mom was not ready to listen to me and whenever I cried, she said why are you crying, why are you behaving if I have put you in jail and so 2 days passed, my mom didn’t talk to me, I decided to go to my mom and tell her I’m ready to marry my cousin to fulfil her wish but thanks to Allah some miracle happened and my mother said to me, no if you don’t want to marry your cousin I won’t force you and then she asked me what do I want in my life.

I said mama I want to marry someone who’s educated, well-mannered who live in Europe not in Pakistan cause honestly calling someone from Pakistan is not easy especially now. I want to marry someone who’s compatible with me, I don’t look for someone who’s extremely good-looking or rich but he should be standing on his own feet and he should have enough knowledge about Islam so that he can pray Salat with me.

After a long discussion my mother and me came to a conclusion that right now I will concentrate on my study and after that we will think about my marriage. I can’t tell how happy I felt at that moment I felt that my mom loves me more than anything but from last few days I have noticed that my mom still hope that 1 day I will be ready to marry my cousin, every time she say, after few years I will call my son-in-law here. I know my mom is not a bad person she really love me and I know she’s scared that if I marry someone outside from my family something wrong will happen and she’s doing all this to see me happy but honestly I don’t trust my mom anymore not only that I have even started to dislike her, every time when she say something to me I get furious and shout at her.

I’m not that kind of person who gets angry all the time but I think I’m getting into depression.

I can’t believe how can my mother think like that. My cousin is not at all compatible neither he's nice, or hardworking. We both are different personalities. I deserve much better person than him and even my mother knows that, than how can she expect me to marry him? please help me ?

This site is my last hope, I don’t know what to do. Should I marry my cousin for the sake of my mother or should I live my life on my own terms but then I’m scared if my mother will be right ? Maybe I will really feel guilty after few years. First I thought about Isthikara but honestly I know my answer. When I already know that I don’t want to marry him why should I lie to myself and to ALLAH.

I do have faith in Allah but still very scared.

So this was my story and my problem related to that. I know it was too long to read but dear Brothers and Sister please help me if you can? I have nobody to talk and nobody will understand me, Also my english isn't that great so sorry for any grammatical mistakes.

Hope you all can help me.

Thank you

muslima

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18 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu alaikum, not to be mean but after the title I didnt even read the rest to say no dont. You said youre not compatible and hes not nice, so what business is there in getting married? Theres too many people who have unhappy marriages because they accepted some family or even arranged marriage that they didnt think about or knew they would be unhappy in - spare your life some misery. Allah make it easy for you

  2. Don't marry that guy.
    And as far as your father picking someone who is religious, maybe it's not so bad. He did end up saving you from harm, you know. Some people see it as srict, but he's really just trying to protect you. And you said that you're trying to be a good Muslim.
    Try to talk to both your parents together. Don't worry about it, who you're meantalking to be with is waiting for you.

    • Thank you for your advice, i will concentrate on that ,maybe i should talk to my parents together, and your last line gave me soo much hope.

  3. Salam sister.Answer is No. move on.By the way please build your Iman and educate yourself Islamically .Reasons for many problems with this ummah is that we do not follow the orders of Allah .Aswell as the teachings of Muhammad!!the scholors say less then 5%of muslims are praying salat and out of that 5% one % is praying with concentration and devotion.So i ask you when a person raises his hand for dua.How will he get the help of Allah when he cannot fullfill the 1st order and thats salah!So my sister prepare for your grave instead of wasting your time with these petty issues.If you are in need for sex then get nikah to save yourself.My advice look for a pious man who is learned and has a career.This is important for both sexes.

    • Wa Alaikum Salam brother, thank you for your advice and you're right i need to build my Iman stronger if ALLAH (swt) is with me, i'm sure nobody else can harm me and i'm glad that i'm not in a need of marriage right now but if in future i will feel something like that, i will definitely take your advice.

  4. Hello Muslima,

    I'm a white muslim girl married to an Iranian, from the USA but living and studying in Canada. I'm sitting here with my laptop, my food, my criminology notes and my coffee and I read your post and I stopped studying to sit and think about your post and type you a reply. So here's my response to you.

    First, I want to say that I'm really proud of you for actually speaking up, and telling your mother how you really feel and felt. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but looking at your situation from the outside, I can clearly see your good intentions for not just your own future, but for trying to get married to someone who suits you while keeping the peace and not letting anyone down (I'll speak more about that in a minute). So many young women remain silent because they fear hurting their families, and ultimately it's the poor girl who pays the ultimate price. You do of course have your own life in mind, but you're really being classy about it, and I think really respecting your family.

    Your mom seems like a beautiful lady. I've met a few like her, and those women are far and few between here in the west now. Women who really care about all the promises they've made to every person over the years, who's character weighs on them and who takes it so seriously that her obligations to everyone are filled and that she does right by everyone. I can clearly see that your mom is also really trying to do right by you, and I'm glad you can see that too. Your mother is very clearly in a very rough position. She's stuck in-between the conversations and promises she made to others long ago, and her own heart which is telling her that this man is not the right man for you. I really feel for her, and I just wanted to say that it can be really easy to forget how hard it is to change when your character is a certain way. Please don't blame your mother for having a hard time with this situation, she's carrying a lifetime of conditioning and responsibility and some guilt and worry for you and everyone else.

    Having said that, please understand that the world is evolving, and so is society. Your mother and her way of doing things may not be the best way to go about life in a completely different social culture, or a completely different point in time. Your a woman now, and social rules have changed. Also cultural rules in Europe are much different than in Pakistan. Bridging the two worlds is incredibly difficult for a number of reasons, so I don't see you BOTH making your mother happy, and making yourself happy. Your mother represents Pakistan and its culture, and you represent a newer generation with different objectives for yourself. Trying to pull your mom out of pakistan and push her forward in time is as difficult and pushing yourself back into pakistan and regressing your own values to those of traditional conservative pakistani life. If I were you, I would sit for a moment, take a deep breath and realize that to move forward and not destroy your own life by marrying this man, you'll have to separate yourself a bit from your mothers wishes for you.

    I'd like to talk about this man... I can understand that you'd want to make your mother happy, but i'm having a hard time understanding how you've managed to convince yourself that your life will be even a shadow of what you want it to be if you marry this guy. He's clearly a misogynist, he's abusive, you're clearly not his ideal for a woman (ALL men fold and fall, cry and plead and work for the woman they really crave and desire), he's already trying to pull you into private spaces for inappropriate sexual events, he's kissing you and then holding it as blackmail against you...
    You did say you were naive, but I really think to blind yourself to just how this man would destroy your life really takes being in a hard spot. You've felt so guilty over hurting your parents, that you are willing to martyr your own life to make them happy. In the end, you'll only end up hurting, and your mother will hurt for you. She'll feel guilty for pushing you into this marriage, and you'll resent her, and feel guilty for resenting her... your whole life will fall apart. And it will be inescapable and let me tell you why.

    Once you marry in the family, no one will want to take responsibility for the marriage failing. If there are children involved, they will first be used as an excuse for you to continue with this relationship, and later be held in front of you as something you will either lose or have to support alone if you chose to divorce.

    Let me give you some advice:
    Go ahead with an arranged marriage, but let your parents chose a number of men from you to chose a husband from. This is a great way to do things. Make it no less than 10 men, no more than 20 (you come up with the numbers here, but I say no less than 10 would be good so they ALL can't be ultra conservative from your fathers family, etc.) This way your parents can feel they've chosen, and so can you. Please, don't marry this guy. You'll ruin your life.

    Also, please respect your grandparents when talking to your mother. If you need to, please remain silent when she mentions them. I know you also must have loved them, but you can't imagine the level of responsibility she feels towards her parents, and how different things were when she was a child. Trying to make someone happy who's both held a special place in your heart and then passed away is a never ending endeavour, and we do it out of love and respect and that's her weight to bear. You don't have to make your decisions off of her feelings to her parents, just take a step back, and watch and learn a bit about your mom and her values and admire her for remaining so loyal and loving to the memory of her parents. I think it's really sweet, but no, it shouldn't dictate your life, but it won't if you don't let it and you don't need to throw that in your moms face to have autonomy over your decisions (sorry if that sounded reprimanding). I think it's good you spoke your mind on the matter, but maybe you could have said or could say next time, "Mom I know you love your parents but let's focus on how this will impact my life right now. This is a serious problem and I need support and guidance."

    There's a saying that applies here. It goes: I don't know how to win, but I know how to fail and that is: try to please everyone (try to make everyone happy).
    It's just not possible. I really wish you all the best, and stick to your guns with this guy. He's bad, bad news.

    Moose

    • Thank you soo much for advice sister, i can't even tell how happy i'm feeling right now. While reading your post i had tears in my eyes,i didn't even felt that i'm reading some advice from some stranger on internet infact i felt i'm reading post of my long lost sister, i wish i could hug you everything what you said touched my heart and just by reading your post i can tell how nice person you are.

      Coming back to your advice, i think you are right, marrying him only for my mother will only bring marrying and guilt in my life, today i can accept my cousin for my mother but i know even if i will sacrifice my life for my cousin he will be never happy with me, i'm someone who believe that husband and wife should equally work for their relation, i know there is always 1 who is more mature and is ready to sacrifice little things for their marriage and i don't mind doing that but with him it won't work, he's lazy who's expecting to have a wife who can work for him and send money , at the same time i have never been to an environment where people do such haram activities like drinking for fliring with every next girl, infact even myself who live in Europe has never been in relation with a guy and than marrying someone like him will only bring sadness and later distance between me and my mother who herself will never be able to forgive herself if something bad happen because i know being her first child how much she loves me.

      Your second advice that once if i marry him nobody will come forward to help me is also right as much i know my mothers and my fathers family, they will blame me for everything, without realizing what i will go through cause at the end i'm a women and they all will expect from me especially my mothers family, they won't be able to listen 1 word against my mother cause they are blindfolded by him, only i have seen my cousins true colors cause he knew that it doesn't matter whatever he will do nobody will trust me,

      Your third advice again you came again with such a nice advice my sister, i should have thought before talking to my mother for 1 moment i was being selfish and rude to her without realizing that maybe i'm hurting her but that's also cause i was also hurt at that moment. My relation with my mother is very strong but also very sensitive we both have different expectations from eachother and maybe that's why we both were also hurt, yes i should have used different words for her parents, even i will not like if someone say something about my parents and it doesn't matter how close that other person is. My mother love her children's more than anything, she herself said that once you're a mother no other thing will matter that much to you anymore but that doesn't mean that she doesn't love her parents, she still respect them, pray for them and want to fulfill her promise but now i'm sure with time she will realise that a promise is sometimes not bigger than someone life, it can not only ruin lives but also relations at the end i'm her daughter, she can use harsh words for me in anger but can never mean, one day she will forgive me.

      Now i have come to an conclusion that i won't marry my cousin, i should have trust in ALLAH (swt) he will definitely bring someone for me with whom i can feel secure and i will also concentrate on what you said, i should ask my parents to search someone for me but that person should give me nice vibe.

      Once again thank you soo much for taking out your time and advising it has really helped me alot, i should concentrate right now on my study and have fait in ALLAH (swt) cause nothing is impossible for him, doesn't matter what others say, at the end only ALLAH (swt) will decide for me, it's just about building your Iman stronger, everyone face difficult situations in life but we should never give up.

  5. Astar101 i am not that old i am 23 and live in Norway. But what my suggestion is:
    You dont need to take tension first of all, cuz it will make things go worse. You dont need to marry your cousin as he is not educated, well mannered and most of all drinks which is Strictly forbidden. And you are going to live with this guy not your parents , they our just forcing you because of there EGO, that family would be against them. Its Pakistani culture , no matter what people will still talk against you. If you marry him and in future ALLAH na karay but if u get divorced people will talk about your family, your family might blame you as this guy is going to make up things against you, your life ahead would be far more miserable.
    So just pray and stand firm on your decision , as you will in shaa AALLAH you will find the right guy.
    Your story was really worrying so thats why first time i am posting on this page.

    • Thank you soo much, i know pakistani culture is different and people will blame me, my family does only care about their ego and my cousin wants to marry me for my passport, i'm not some visa that you can stamp on, thank god i decided to use this site otherwise i would have taken some wrong decision and it's really nice of you that for the first time you decided to post something just to help me out, thank you soo much brother, i will definitely take your advice, ALLAH (swt) sab behtar karey.

  6. Asak,

    Dear my advice to you don't marry with him, if your mother pressurized to you, please don't take hard upon you and don't get stress.

    May Allah show you right path and guide you in your disturbed life. And it's your life no one can force you, you living in Europe and l know you get help from your government.

    I have seen in my life so many cases and ending stories, my view if you knot with him sooner or later you take divorce by intentionally or willingly.

    Keep your Faith in Allah, and away from Adultery and Haram activities inshaAllah you ll find your matching or suitable patner.
    It's your life and you're only one to take care and not your parents, you not doing anything wrong bad by taking your decision. Be bold and stand / fight for good cause.

    Please don't hesitate to post your feed back.

    Allah hafiz,
    Masi

    • Today i'm feeling soo happy and relaxed, i was really scared that maybe by saying no, i have done something wrong, i was soo disturbed from last few days it affected my relations at home and also my exams, i was literally in depression and had nobody to talk.
      ALLAH (swt) has really helped me otherwise how would i come to know about this site.
      Thank you soo much, may ALLAH (swt) bless all of you, i will always remember everyone in my prayers.

  7. walaikum salam Sister your story I understand there was no mager mistake I understand what you said Alhamdulillah. Sister what you mom is doing is tradition not Islam, a woman can't be forest To marry someone she doesn't like, learn the religion of Islam inshallah it's beautiful. Make Isttikhara before you marry anyone. Please don't think this Islam is peace. Sister I will make dua for inshallah. May Allah make it easy for you Ameen

    • Thank you soo much brother and please always remember me in your dua it will mean alot to me and i will definitely make Isttikhara whenever i will feel to marry someone and i will also concentrate now more on Islam, that's my promise to you my muslim brother.

  8. Hi hun by reading your situation Please Please do not marry him because you will put your self in a big problem

  9. Hi sister,

    According to Allah's will/desire, husbund or wife is written according to our conduct.
    So it is your destiny.

    Only power allah has given all of us the try, duaa and praying. So please follow below 3 magic and see the miracle will unfold. Allah is very kind (also sever in punishment) and open up door from unknown saurce.

    1. Pray Isthikara very offten
    2. Ask Duaa at thahajjath -specially
    3. Give charity

    Allah will help you.

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