Should i marry this muslim man with gender dysphoria? Islamic view point?
Transgender and Islam
Aoa I am Muslim women. I need to ask something. I need Islamic views on this asvery limited information is available online and this topic cant be discussed freely at home. I was committed to a man with full consent of my parents n mine. For about 6 months. I knew him before. We started talking more after commitment. He shared with me his certain worries from the past. He told me that he is has been confused about himself in past. Regarding his gender. In childhood he cross dressed sometimes. He says its something he has been fighting with for long. And has made peace with. And now he wants to move on with his life and he wants to take me as his wife. And have children. I dont know what to do. My view point about him has changed I still like him. But after using I have come across this term gender dysphoria(someone uncomfortable with his gender feels like opposite sex)which fits perfectly to the description. He also agrees to that he might be having that. But he says thats nt all he doesn't want to live his life like that. He also once said he doesn't fantasize having sex and thinks he ll only develop attraction after marriage.. (is that normal??)
Now I am confused. I really don't like some of the things he likes dressing wise? I feel they are feminine. (they are actually for men but a bit feminine) I don't know how I will deal with all this after marriage. Should I tell my parents? They ll probably break off the commitment. Which I don't want. Coz now many people know.. And they talk about our marriage. And also Because he is a really nice person apart from this. He prays 5 times.
I want to feel like i am helping him fight shaytaan?? Is this the right approach.My basic question is it allowed in Islam to marry a gender dysphoric? Will I be completing his Deen or doing a good deed helping him fight shaytaan? Should I involve parents? Should I end this based on the fact that I am not comfortable with his habits and likings now that I know him more? What are Islamic views on this matter couldnt find any useful article.
Blessing_needed
5 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Wsalam sister,
The situation that you describe can be a complex medical condition or a psychological issue. I suggest you should both consult an endocrinologist first. Since, he has shared this information with you himself it is definitely something that bothers him. Young children do cross dress. They do not have that kind of awareness of their gender that we do as adults. An endocrinologist can rule out any hormonal imbalances, it present. Once that is done, he can be referred to a psychologist who deals with such issues.
Once you have had these consultations, both of you will become clear on how to proceed. Till then, you should stall your marriage. If marriage is for him, and as you both are already commmitted, then you can proceed. However, if he has a condition where marriage might be difficult, then it will be difficult with any girl and with proper medical guidance he will understand what he is dealing with and what are his options then.
Also, it is for you to decide at what stage you would like your/his parents to be involved. As things become clearer, you/he might want to have your own way of dealing with it.
Assalaamualaikam
Gender dysphoria is a complex and distressing problem that is more common than we might think. However, the majority of people who experience it do not in fact go on to want to undergo sex reassignment procedures, and instead are able to live happily in their biological gender.
I'd agree that it's important for him to speak with appropriate medical professionals regarding this - an endocrinologist and a psychiatrist may be good starting points as imbalances of hormones and neurotransmitters may be involved. If so, there may be medication he can take which could ease his symptoms.
If he is sure he wants to live as his biological gender (a man) and be with you, and you are sure you want to be with him on account of his character and deen, then I don't think this would necessarily need to delay your marriage. You would need to be sure that you are aware of the challenges you could face as a married couple and know how to access support for him and for you (there are support groups for spouses of people with gender dysphoria, so you might want to search online to find these). If he isn't sure, or you aren't sure, then it might be better to take a step back until this issue is resolved.
My view on whether parents should be informed is that this is his personal medical matter and as such he has a right to have it kept private. If you decide to postpone or cancel the marriage, then give a tactful and sensitive explanation such as "we weren't right for each other" or "now wasn't the time" rather than exposing this sensitive issue.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
OP: He also once said he doesn't fantasize having sex and thinks he ll only develop attraction after marriage.. (is that normal??)....... Should I tell my parents? They ll probably break off the commitment. Which I don't want. Coz now many people know.. And they talk about our marriage. ...... He prays 5 times......I want to feel like i am helping him fight shaytaan??
Why don't you help him fight shaytaan before you get married to him? Have you been spending time alone with him? You should tell everything to your parents. Attraction is not some thing you develop after marriage only.
Bro SVS, don't be sarcastic. This issue requires compassion and discretion. While it is correct, that they are both non-mehrams and should not be interacting freely; however, due to the stigma that is attached to such gender-determination issues, the prospect of marriage is what brings it to the fore-front in many communities. This is her side of the story. If she chooses to not continue, she has all the right.
What also needs to be considered here is the distress of her fiance. He has probably been struggling with this problem for a long time. This is not homosexuality in disguise. It is very much a disorder with very little awareness, maybe even in us medics too.
He has been honest with her. She on her part can be compassionate about it, instead of involving both sets of parents abruptly, leading to accusations and rumours; let them both have all the pertinent information before coming to a mutual decision. It can be a graceful exit for both.
Creating a drama about it, as is wont to happen may help the OP break off an engagement, but it will stigmatize the guy forever and ostracize him from a society he is very much a part of. There is no reason, why he shouldn’t continue to be a productive member of the Muslim community and society at large, just because he has a different struggle. We all have our quirks and weaknesses; don’t we?
I am completely agree with Midnightmoon's advice
You should respect his privacy as he trusts you and tell you everything about it himself and Allah also likes that person who keep others secrets,It will be better to be a keeper.On the other hand,Suggest and encourages him to see a doctor as soon as possible(treatment will also take time),It will be very nice of you to be with him and help him in this situation rather than leaving but it would be a bit tough task... Take him to a doctor and give it sometimes and delay your marriage until things workout for better..
Regards,