Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I miss the wedding or go into debt to please my husband’s family?

chained to debt

Asalam alikum wr wb to everyone....

I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do ....

Basically.... my husband's two brothers are getting married in the summer holiday and I can't afford to go cuz previously I got morgage to pay and people's debt, I went to my brother's wedding last year and got debt cuz he was my only brother and he made me feel bad "if you don't come to my wedding I wont talk to u......" I don't have any other brothers, just the one.

I'm in a situation where  my husband is kinda forcing me to go, as well as my mother in law, but I don't know what to do?! My husband said he isn't going to spend time with me cuz he's going to be busy with the wedding and stuff, and we're always arguing cuz he wants time with his real family and not me, and he's always been at work and constantly keeping himself distracted till he needs me ... And previously at a wedding he told me that he was going to spend time with his family but instead he was chatting up some girls and left me with our baby ...blanked us out.

He wants me to go cuz of the kids and my mother in law wants them there and not me (just me as an excuse) just to show the world we're a happy family. I kinda feel left out, my thoughts are to not go to the holiday cuz of the debt and the way I'll get treated ... But at the same time my husband and mother in law and sister in laws are putting a lot of guilt saying ..."it's your responsibility ... they're like your brothers and you should go" and my mother in law is like "come this time but after this we won't ask you to come" and I know I'll get treated like dirt, used and abused and when my head spins with the crazy thoughts I snap and say the things I don't want to ... I want to keep away from saying bad....

I've just got myself recently practicing Islam again and I know they're going to take the evil side of me out and make me look like the bad one..... It's just I don't know if it's a sin to ignoring your husband and mother in law or not?.... But cuz Islam says no debt full stop, at the same time I don'y want to displease their decision and say no.

I'm trapped in both decisions  .... I told my husband "it's best if you go and I won't" and he gets grumpy and angry and doesnt talk to me for days but only when he wants to ... I heard if you're in debt and you'er martyred you will still not be forgiven till its over. I've got guilt inside don't know what to decide .... It's best to give each other some space ....but I'm not sure in Islam if that's allowed or not .....cuz your husband just needs you for sexual desires .... that's all... Not saying it's haram but it's not fair if a lady is asking for some time and a man just makes you feel like he's after the only thing.... to pass his time .... it's mentally stressing and emotionally.

I wanted someone to do istikhara but I'm not sure if you can or not on this situation and if yea I can't do it when I'm on my menstruation...period... and I need to know now cuz in the weekend I have to make my mind up. And my passport and driving licence expires but it's impossible looking at all the cost of everything and my insurance is due .... He just doesn't get it.... he just wants to please his parents, I know it's a good thing and I want them to be happy with him but still my husband's willing to take more money off people are we going to pay it off..........:( ?

I don't want to make the wrong decision. I want to make Allah and the prophets and the angels happy... I don't want to  disrespects my husband. I'm scared to make the wrong decision. I need an islamic advice. I know I can make any decision from my own desire but I don't want to, from my heart and mind I'm saying if they're going to treat you like that then don't go ....but.... then again is Allah happy with my decision? We have sat down and tried talking, but it always turns into an argument...... Maybe I see things differently to what he wants and I'm not stopping him from going or the kids. I just want the truth, from Allah's point of view ....jarzakAllah ...really hope someone can help... will really appreciate it
Salam alikum wr wb.


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3 Responses »

  1. What is really screaming out from your post is why doesn't your husband and in-laws pay for you to travel to the wedding? Why is the cost of the mortgage and debts your responsibility?

    If they agree to pay for you to attend, then you may want to consider bringing your mother or a female cousin with you, so you have someone who can keep you company and help with the children. This way, you won't feel so isolated and you will feel like someone is in "your corner". Unfortunately, families must stick together, and yes it will not reflect well on you if you do not attend - regardless of your husband's behaviour which is not commendable at all. You don't deserve to be abused or treated badly, so if you have a companion who attends with you, your in-laws are less likely to pounce on you.

    Your husband does not treat you like a wife. This is not a normal family. It doesn't sound like there is much love and mutual respect. At his brother's wedding, he should be spending time with you AND his family of origin, rather than distinguishing between the two. I know it is hard for you to convince him otherwise. I think it would be very beneficial if your own family members came to the wedding with you.

  2. Sister ,

    Why cant your husband sponsor you for this trip ? As a husband he is supposed to bear your expenses .

    You need to talk straight to your husband that you don't have any money left to buy the tickets so let him arrange it .

  3. I agree with Precious Star advise
    I cant understand how your husband cant support you or how his family think this is ok kind of behavior. I honestly think you need to put your foot down and tell your husband of how you feeling and how it is. It seems like your family Vs mines this is not how a family should be whats happening to people. You should not have to be pushed to do something you dont want to do and SAY NO you shouldn't feel guilty either. Its your right and your choice.

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