Should I part from my husband for the sake of Allah?
Second wife
As Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Without going in to explicit detail of my marriage I will say this: I am at the point that I feel my relationship with Allah swt is in danger.
My marriage is a constant trial for me. If its not one thing its another.
I have prayed for patience and help controlling my anger to no avail. When I am angry I act in a way that I know Allah swt is not pleased with.
My husband lies to me and treats me unfairly (in my opinion as I am his 2nd wife) and I often feel depressed, angry and used. My actions are usually reactions to things that he does. I feel my relationship with Allah is hurting when we are together because I am not as focused in things like performing sunnah prayers, reading a lot of Qur'an, teaching children.
But, when we separate (as we have separated during my Iddat period twice now) I feel my focus is purely on Allah swt and my children and I feel so happy. I feel free and somewhat safe from earning Allah's wrath.
Part of me knows that I need to have Sabr in all areas of my life, another part says this trial is unecessary as I have the right/option of divorce as financially my husband cannot afford me anyways.
Is it right for me to leave him and seek another marriage that is not polygamy to lessen my trial in this life? I think my husband tries to be a good Muslim but this does not seem like its working out on my end.
I know as Muslims we shouldn't incite a woman against her husband but what can be said of these feelings I am having? Also, does anyone have information on the hadith about loving someone for Allah's sake and parting from them for the same. Do you know where I can get the commentary on this ahadeeth?
JazakAllahu Khair.
~ I love Allah
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Asalaamualaikum,
There is a hadith on Merit of love for the sake of Allah.
Narrated Muadh bin Jabal (May Allah be pleased with him): He said: I heard Allah's messenger (SAW) saying: Allah said: For those who love one another for the sake of My glory there will be pulpits of light for which the Prophets and martyrs will envy them (on the Day of Resurrection).
(This hadith is Hasan (Good) and reported by Tirmidhi.)
This does not mean that a female can love non-mahram for the sake of Allah vice versa. Brothers should love brothers and sisters should love sisters for the sake of Allah.
Then we have the famous hadîth that enumerates the seven people who will enjoy Allah’s shade on a day when there is no shade but His. One of those mentioned are: “two men who love each other for the sake of Allah alone, meeting for that reason and parting for that reason.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (660) and Sahîh Muslim (1031).
If you want divorce from yous husband and there is a genuine reason for it then you may go ahead and do so. But before you make any decision, present your situation before a good Islamic scholar who can help you reach to a conclusion.
Just remember the following verse:
“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216).
And Allah knows best.
Walaikum As Salaam wa Rahmatullah,
JazakAllahu Khair for your response. I have thought about the verse from surah Al Baqarah so many times when it comes to this marriage. I know Allah swt won't put anymore on me than I can bear but I don't know why I feel so burdened. I feel the only way I can survive in this marriage is to accept being treated like a door mat. I feel If I don't stick up for myself in this marriage my husband will just take complete advantage of me and I have seen women go crazy from this.
He wants me to trust him but he just doesn't do things right. For instance he only has finances to buy one car. So he buys the car I like and give it to her and call it fair. If she wants certain things in terms of time he makes me sacrafice but won't readily do the same for me. If she has a bill and he owes me money he will come and ask me if I can wait so he can pay her bill. He considers her first in everything. Me last!
I feel so hurt and angry. Its such a heavy trial. I pray to Allah swt but I am afraid that if I be a humble wife and have more patience with him he will totally take advantage of me. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Salamualaikum,
Sister, here's the Hadith you wanted, along with the commentary I found:
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "Seven are (the persons) whom Allah will give Shade of His Thrown on the Day when there would be no shade other than His Throne's Shade: A just ruler; a youth who grew up worshipping Allah; a man whose heart is attached to mosques; two persons who love and meet each other and depart from each other for the sake of Allah; a man whom an extremely beautiful woman seduces (for illicit relation), but he (rejects this offer by saying): `I fear Allah'; a man who gives in charity and conceals it (to such an extent) that the left hand does not know what the right has given; and a person who remembers Allah in solitude and his eyes well up". [Al Bukhari and Muslim].
Commentary: This Hadith mentions seven types of people whom Almighty Allah provides special protection or His Throne's Shade. In some Ahadith this blessing has also been promised for some noble actions over and above those which have been mentioned here. Some `Ulama' including As-Sakhkhawi and Al-Hafiz Ibn Hajar have given a list of seventy such actions. Imam As-Suyuti said: "The (present) Hadith mentions only seven qualities to bring into prominence their importance and also the importance of acting upon them'.
(abdurrahman.org)
Sister, I am confused. Are you actually in a polygamy or do you think so. Because you said it was your opinion. I got confused here.
Well, I am considering that you are aware.
First of all, polygamy is not not Haraam. It is something allowed in Islam, provided the man does justice to all his wives. But if he can not do justice, he should not get into it.
When a man can do justice, problem still exists. Allah says in Surah Nisa:
129. You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
130. But if they separate (by divorce), Allah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allah is Ever All-Sufficient for His creatures' need, All-Wise.
This is the nature of women. Contemplate on there Aayaat and check yourself. Is this the case? If it is, then you should probably look at your husband differently. Love him as he deserves from a wife. Them insha Allah, you won't find it difficult to concentrate on Deen.
But if there's any other reason, then you should probably see it accordingly.
If living with him is harmful for your Deen, then it is better for you to part from him. Because, you can not lord the most valuable gift of Allah - the Eemaan. You should strive hard to protect it. But when this is at stake, how can you sit, with your hands folded?
First, try to solve the issue by acting as a good wife, compromising with his first wife, and then see whether it works or not. If it does, Alhamdulillah, but if it doesn't, still Alhamdulillah. Perhaps Allah has something better in store for you then.
Do Salatul Istikhaarah before taking any decision.
May Allah guide you to what is correct in His Sight
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum As Salaam,
JazakAllahu Khair for the hadeeth and commentary, MashAllah. To answer your question, yes I am aware that I am the 2nd. I have been since the beginning.
I am so afraid of going back and having many children and feeling stuck..I am so afraid that he will take advantage of my kindness if I give it to him. I am so afraid.
I have made Istakara about this several times and I am still so undecided. Maybe I am not seeing the signs Allah swt is giving me?
After Istakarah one time the hadeeth about staying away from things which make you doubt popped into my head and gave me relief. Then I had two people over the next few days come and say the same thing to me. Would you consider this a sign? My husband said that it was problably just the Jinns working together to ruin our marriage. Im so confused.
Subhanallah, you've got the way out.
Yes I would insha Allah consider it to be a sign, Guidance from Allah on what to do. And Alhamdulillah, this is how Istikhaarah works. Just be careful and protect your Deen, sister.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllahu Khair!
Sister i'm curious whats it like being in a polygamous marriage.
Did you deicide to be part of one or did your parents introduce him to you?
It is ok if a man can at least be fair materially. No one can controll who their heart loves to and I know my husbands heart is filled with more love for my co-wife. It hurts especially when he makes it clear by doing unfair things but if he didn't do these things it wouldn't hurt so bad.
But other than that I have always been an independent woman. I enjoy traveling and having time to myself to do the things I enjoy. My husband is a bit demanding so it feels good to have a break from him to just relax.
Salam sister,I don't know much on the subject of multiple wives,do u live in separate homes? Do you spend time with your co wife? Do you love her ? Do u live all together in same house,same bedroom,sleep together? Travel together? Please not to be rude I truly don't know,I live in the states and I have no idea,I just know that I totally understand your point of view ,I cannot share a hair on my husbands head,would freak out if another woman touched him!
And no, Im sorry for not answering fully, I decided.
I can imagine how difficult it must be for you sister to actually have to cope in a polygynous marriage it would be difficult for anyone. However your husband should have known the responsibility and the burdens that a second marriage would cost him before he married and should have prepared himself . If your rights aren't being fulfilled then you should speak to your wali to speak to him about the issues which concern you.
If you don't mind me asking sister why did you enter a polygynous marriage, weren't you aware of the difficulties that you'd have to deal with, did you do your research and got to know him before marriage.
In my opinion its too late who both had kids now its gonna affect them more then its gonna affect you.
I have spoke with my wali and several other knowledgeable people who said that my husband is not doing things correctly in the marriage. I have been given advice to leave and advice to be patient. That's why I have been confused.
The reasons I entered this type of marriage was 1. I have been married twice before and it was so hard to find a single man with the aqeedah I was looking for for marriage. I was afraid to trust a man without a 'proven track record' in marriage because I didn't want to end up in divorce again 2. my husband seemed very religious. My desire to learn more about Islam and teach my children made the idea of being a co-wife not important 3. I thought I could handle it as I didn't marry for love. I fell in love with someone years ago but because of certian circumstances we cannot be together. Everyone loved him, my family, my children business associates and we were engaged to be married but he was taken out of my life suddenly and my heart never recovered. When considering a marriage it was only to for the sake of Allah--to fullfil marriage, strengthen my practice of Islam and to have someone help me raise my children. So I wasn't prepared to ever love my husband. but i did fall in love with him.
I did do my research prior to marriage. There is a sister in my community who is in this type of marriage who advised me against it. I strayed away from her advices because their family does not seem very religious and from what she told me her husband married his adultress, my situation was different. I have heard about other sisters in the community who this works well for and I did get online and read about stories of successful marriages. I really thought I had what it takes. I was actually hoping for a co-wife who would want to raise our children together and do things together as a family. But thats not what I got. My husband said that she would be patient and come around but she never did. And the way things are going its only getting worse and my optimistic feelings have left and I have a lot of resentment towards her anyways.
We do have children and I don't want them not to see two parents in the household. Its already bad enough that my children from other marriages have to deal with not having their fathers in the home now another child. I have many restless nights thinking what will my children think of me?
Sister don't worry about you've tried to make things work, if she doesn't wanna be friends thats up to her. I mean its tough for you so it must be painful and tough for her aswell.
Just focus on raising your kids. This life is very much temporary and things don't always work out the way we want them to. Just pray to Allah subhana watala to makes things easy for you and her inshallah.
p.s. remember if you don't get something in this life you'll hopefully get something better in the after life. There are sisters in monogamous marriage that are going through other struggles to (such as coping with an abusive husband
Shukran for the reminder about those who may have it worse. Did you see my post above to Waseem about the Istakara prayer and the experiences I had thereafter? What do you think about my comments? Another thing I didn't mention to Waseem is that the two people who said the same thing are not upon the same aqeedah as I. One misses prayers often and the other is trying to get his life together but drinks alcohol
Can not comment on it, but if Allah wants to Guide you to something, you never know what way He Chooses. He is indeed the Most Wise.
If you are still in doubt, then do the Istikhaarah again and see what you feel comfortable about, take the decision and then Trust in Allah.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ok, InshaAllah I will do that now. Please make duaa for me. JazakAllahu Khair
Assalamu aleikum
I hope you would see this after all these years.I really do
I too am interested in making decision of a similer issue
I'm wondering how u are doing
I hope with the help of Allah ur life had only got better