Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I refuse physical relationship if I know my hubby is cheating?

LIpstick mark on shirt.

Assalam O Alaikum wrwb,

My hubby and I are back after a year of being separated. We were separated just after 6 months of marriage over a financial issue and the fact that I am a fully qualified professional and so hold a higher post and earn well. Please note this was an arranged marriage. From my side, a very important pre-requisite was that my hubby should be okay with me pursuing my career after marraige and kids, to which he at first readily agreed but now his ego is playing up . We have a wide disparity in earnings and he cannot support or maintain me . We have been together for around 3 months now and on the surface he is extremely loving and kind and I was so very happy. But I recently gained access to his e mail and found out that he is chatting with an old girlfriend of his. He is continuing this now even after getting back together during ramazan and the chats are romantic as well as involve a lot of sex talk.

Halfway through the conversation however , I believe both feel guilty & then they revert to try to being friends. Sometimes my hubby initiates the romance and sex chat and sometimes she does, although we get physical almost everyday he has told her that our sessions are very rare and that I do not like to do it with him the way he wants. I am a little shy, but he has never told me what he wanted from me like he has opened up to her; with Allah as witness. And I have expressed proof that they are texting each other. We had a stormy argument before the separation with an exchange of harsh words but, after the reunion it has been always polite and civil and after each chat session he still lovingly hugs me as if nothing is wrong and yes, I really love him. He walked out on me without even letting me know,and lot of people warned me about taking him back. But I must say in a fit of rage I asked him to leave me so I felt it was my fault. I have apologised in Allah's name and asked for forgiveness and we got back together after friends and family counselled us. I am truly in love with him but I'm wondering whether I am being taken advantage of . I want to save this marriage and I deeply love him and he is being nice to me. Please tell me should I confront him with this now? or use a wait and see approach ? I am not too happy to get physical with him if he is satisfying himself in other ways.

I know that many guys engage in sex talk, but there seems to be a deeper more romantic bond which hurts me more than tha bad talk:(. He also does not bring his clothes home, but his excuse is that my home is too far. Please note that generally the tradition in our families is to live at the girl's place at least until the first child and we asked him before marraige ,as it was a proposal, if he was okay with this arrangement. Also, bear in mind that I share my salary with my parents and need some time to build before I find a place of my own and he cannot maintain me either. I thought time will sort out money issues as he is in business but he is also in a lot of debt , which I found out from his mails, but he is annoyed with me because I didnt want to move out with him. I do not know what to do? I suffered a lot of mental trauma when he left and experienced all the horrible pain of a separation. My only consolation was the Quran, my prayers and a very supportive family. My hubby is not a violent sort and has never screamed or shouted at me but I see a lot of issues because he feels inferior to me. With Allah as witness, I have never deliberately rubbed this in , or brought attention to this fact but I cannot say this for sure.

During two years of our engagement, I wanted to break off because something told me this didn't feel right, but he was persistently behind me. During the engagement, he was abroad, so my only way of getting to know him was through chatting.My friends are advising me not to confront him right away as he can cover up his acts and turn tables on me and say I am the one who left him and he is blameless. During the separation he had told everyone that he does not like the assertive tone in my voice when I speak to him or my stance regarding career, which I feel he should have thought about before marriage. Please advise , in the light of Isalm, am I still to satisfy him physucally because I cannot confront him right away.

Sabrina72_Shiham


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3 Responses »

  1. Salam, Sister Sabrina72_Shiham

    The one sentence that bothered me the most in your entire post was "Please note that generally the tradition in our families is to live at the girl's place at least until the first child and we asked him before marraige ,as it was a proposal, if he was okay with this". This is cultural - excuse my French - total BS. If you really love him and want to save the marriage, move in to where he lives - he is your husband. You also say "he is annoyed with me because I didn't want to move out with him." The man is telling you what will make him happy!!! Wallahi! Understand the male ego, sister!!! He may have agreed at that time bec he pursued you, but he is allowed to change his mind. I don't know what your background is, but this tradition is NOT Islamic. It is time to lower YOUR ego if you want to remain married to him and have a happy marriage/future with him.

    Also, in a loving relationship, the couple helps each other out - if he needs your help and you claim to love him, it should not matter what he makes - your behavior will make ANY man turn away from you (I would if I were a man!) You say that you get angry and you use such strong words as wanting to "confront" him - these behaviors WILL drive him to someone else to seek physical and emotional comfort! See your own contribution to the issue as well.

    Sorry if my comments hurt you, but you are asking and I would not be true to you if I sugar coated bitter facts.

  2. I really want to help you sister and want you to re-read what you wrote, bec I did....Other red flags of your behavior towards your husband for which I think you should take some responsibilty:
    "in a fit of rage I asked him to leave me" ...look inside yourself - see if you have an anger issue

    "he feels inferior to me. With Allah as witness, I have never deliberately rubbed this in , or brought attention to this fact but I cannot say this for sure"...suggests that you most likely have made him feel inferior to you economically.

    "During the separation he had told everyone that he does not like the assertive tone in my voice when I speak to him or my stance regarding career, which I feel he should have thought about before marriage"...you hear what he is TELLING you loud and clear? He does not like the way you treat him, sister. It seems like you feel superior to him - if you write like this to us strangers, you are most likely also saying it to him.

    Lower YOUR ego, cool down, and work with him to make the marriage work if you really love him as you say. It seems like a clash of the egos going on, and sometimes one of parties has to back down.
    Peace!

  3. Whilst what your husband is doing and did with this non-mahram woman is very bad, it's still may have possibly been encouraged or even stemmed from your attitude and behaviour towards him.

    1. No man likes it if he is looked down at and the fact you're swearing that you haven't but in your opening few sentences you mention disparity in pay, it clearly shows he feels inferior.

    2. You asked him to leave and then you're blaming him?

    3. You may be shy in the bedroom, but Islam encourages women to lose all shyness around their husband.

    It's not an excuse for his behaviour because what he did is haraam and a grave sin of the highest order, but I feel it may have something to do with your pushing him away,

    Lastly your cultural tradition of staying with the girl's family, the less said of it the better.

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