Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I reject him for his modesty?

Man hiding under his jacket

Salam u alikum,

I am a sister who is very confused. I am somewhat religious, and I have recieved a marriage proposal from a man who is modest and shy around women. He is handsome looking, but the problem is that he is shy around women and doesn't like the idea of dating.

I have heard a lot of good things about him from relatives. He admits that he is not perfect. I would freeze when he would ask about my deen. I am confused if I should reject him. He is not willing to approach girls and ask for their numbers but rather approach them the Islamic way.

Now, I have spoken with many guys before, but never have I met someone who is willing to approach me the Islamic way and show modesty to not only me but other women. Should I reject him because he is modest and shy around women?


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28 Responses »

  1. Short answer: NO!
    Sister a modest man is a blessing, the fact that he is modest around other women is a sign of piety, it's a sign that he fears Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala! How beautiful isn't that? He wants to approach you islamically, that means he's serious, he sees a future with you in dunya and the hereafter, he doesn't want to play around for ashort amount of time.
    If you feel you want to share your future with him, take your decision and pray istikhaara. May Allah ease it for you sister.

  2. The first thinking that I thought when reading your post was;.. What has the world come to when a woman is questioning whether or not to marry a man cuz she feels he's too modest and shy. My sister did that actually...rejected a really nice guy cuz she was scared he wouldn't be able to mingle with her friends..This is as ridiculous as that was...she didn't listen to me and now he's married...but I'm glad he didn't marry my sister if my sister was gona make that into a problem in the future..

    I won't say that my advice is that you marry him if you will have problems with his shyness and modesty after marriage...if you are gona get annoyed at him not mingling with other women etc. If its a big issue for you right now and if that's what it will be like when you are married to him...then I think the best thing for you to do is to not marry him and let him find a woman who will be able to appreciate these things about him...but if youre not going to make into a problem later on and can actually appreciate these qualities in him then maybe you should consider it...but do do istikhaara.

    Just in case someone now leaves me a msg to say I'm being rude and horrible etc,..I'm not...I'm just being truthful..


  3. Salam sister,

    Modesty is good! The fact that he is shy around girls, doesn't ask them for their number, and doesn't date is a sign of respect to females. These kind of men are very very rare, so my advice is don't reject him, He is approaching you the right way for marriage, which is the way Allah SWT asked men to approach women for marriage. This man has Haya! You can read more about it here:

    I hope this helps. May Allah give you a husband who will take you to Jannah <3

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, a man who displays modesty and a desire to behave appropriately, and who is of good character... Alhamdulillah! Marriage is a big commitment, so I would always advise trying to think things over and not to rush into things - from what you've told us, this sounds like a proposal to consider seriously - maybe try to find out more about him and his family?

    It might also be helpful to meet with him - your two families could meet to discuss marriage. That way you could get to know a bit about each other before deciding whether or not to proceed.

    Pray istikhara and trust in Allah's plans. May He help you and this brother find the paths which are best for you both, and may He guide us all to improve in our modesty and practise of Islamic values.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Your potential husband has characteristics of Uthman RA who was also modest and handsome!!!

    You don't know what an incredible combination this is!!! Please be grateful to Allah aza wa jal for this blessing.

    • Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh Brother Mahmud,

      I agree with you completly. I was thinking of this post the whole day.

      Sister please be grateful to Allah for him. For if he is in deed what you have described above, then you have really got one of the best brothers, Masha Allah.

      I also agree with sister midnightmoon about meeting him and his family, this may help you to know him well or to build a kind of connection between you, which is very important before the Nikah Insha'Allah.

      Also pray Istikhara, perhaps Allah will make it the best decision for you Insha Allah..

  6. Salam sister,

    A man asking your hand the right way and being shy around women are good characteristics to have. I sense that you are not happy with this. Maybe you are an outgoing and talkative person and desire someone the same. Or you feel you may get bored with him or are not compatible. These are also important things to consider.

    As others suggested you should talk to him to get to know him more. See if you feel any attraction towards him and if you feel that he would be a good companion for the duniya and the hereafter.

    He is definitely worth considering as guys like this are becoming extinct now!

  7. what kind of a question is this????

    just wondered why you asked a question which has such an obvious answer. what are your worries about a modest man?

  8. OMG???? You have never been ill treated by a man to appreciate a good brother.

    • Is so hard to find a nice guy now days that is shy around womens these days I would love to Marry a guy like that !! Why would u wanna marry somebody that flirts and stare at other females all the time and that would go cheat on so hard to find a good guy so think about this.

  9. Assalamu Alaykum sister,

    Are you serious? Don't you know that men are supposed to lower their gaze and not freely mix with women? Maybe you have negative stereotypes of what men are supposed to be like, so you find it strange when men behave modestly. If you do not appreciate his characteristics then you are probably not right for him. Let him find someone who will be more compatible with him.

    • My thoughts exactly Ariana,

      Probably he is too modest, so let him know how you feel and let him choose a women who is modest like him.

  10. Sister,

    Are you bonkers?! A shy and modest guy and you are concerned if you should reject him?! What a rare and beautiful quality in a man in a world of smut and cheating dogs. You have already said he is handsome so from a woman's perspective, that is a rather good thing don't you think?. Should you choose to accept his offer of marriage, you can then get to know the man on the inside (in a halal setting of course). Men like this are a very rare breed sister and a brother like this may never pass your way again. You have nothing to lose and a lifetime of happiness to gain.


  11. lol every one here is concentrating on "shy around women" part....shy around women does not mean he is a holy man..for God sake people...
    what i think u shld listn to ur heart ....u have to spend your whole life with a your personal likes and dislikes about a person does matter.. i would suggest you should jst talk to him and see if you can make up with him in future....
    Good Luck!

    • He may not be a holy man but the mere fact that he does not want to date and wants to find a woman in a halal manner makes him very special in my eyes. This sister says he doesn't want to approach girls for their numbers but rather go about finding a suitable wife in an Islamic manner. Holy or not, a man of great qualities in my book! I can only pray that someone just like him comes when the time is right to ask for one of my daughters.


    • I agree with you "shy around woman" does not mean he is holy man.
      I was married to a man who exactly how you are defining this man. Everyone around him told me he is very modest, he doesn't talk to female. Have no female friends and speak soft and all good stuff that we woman like to see in our husband. A respect for woman that is what we like.

      But after being married to him for three years, I recently got divorced. ( you can read my post which is under "Husband doesn't want to have children yet".) I talked in detail about the reasons.

      To cut it short: The reason: he never came close to me. In the beginning I thought he us shy and it would take him some time to get comfortable around me. But I was wrong. It turned out to be he was not a straight man.
      I stayed virgin through out my marriage and finally had elder to come and talk with him.
      Conclusion he doesn't want to be intimate and other stuff.

      So sister, be careful and judge yourself of how modest he is and if you are interested in him then I suggest you should personally get to know him first.

      Meet him with the permission of elders. It's your right to talk to him, so use your right and InshaAllah you will able to judge yourself better if he will be a good husband.

      May Allah help you.
      Jazak Allah.

  12. SISTER!!!


    There's so many of us that just DREAM and HOPE that there's still at least one person out here in the world like that, and YOU FOUND HIM!

    You should be HAPPY. And it's okay if you're not the perfect Muslim, NONE of us are. But, by marrying someone who is a good hearted person, you will have someone who is constantly helping and influencing you to become better for Allah, Insha Allah.

    Allah has given you this perfect opportunity to possibly become closer to Him, take it. The door just opened for you, sister, don't walk away!

    I PRAY that you say YES, and I pray that you guys are right for each other and learn from each other, make each other happy, and are given the highest level of Jannah.

    Insha Allah!


    your dear sister, Hooria

    • Assalam alaikum sister,

      I agree with sister Hooria.

      Choosing a person to marry can be very confusing and what we like at 20 might not be what we like at 30 or even 40.

      Allah says in the Quran (2:216)

      . . . But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

      You might not necessarily like that he is shy with you, but you are not his wife as of yet--so his behaviour is spot on. Just because you don't like this now, doesn't mean you won't like it later, especially when he doesn't flirt with other girls.

      I would highly suggest that rather than solely going for what your "heart" might desire or what you "think" you like, that you go for what is going to be good for you in the long run. From your description, it sounds like he is following the proper Islamic Etiquettes and respects you. Following our hearts isn't always a great idea--the many posts on this site alone testify that it is better to not just follow our hearts blindly.

      May Allah grant you a loving, caring and kind husband, Ameen.

  13. asalamu alaikum,

    after I read your post, one part which stood out to me was "he is shy around women and doesn't like the idea of dating." clearly your mindset of living the so called western culture is corrupted. you spoke with different guys, date, flirt, act like a loose cannon etc and you want to date.

    wants wrong in being shy and modest? would you want your man to be talking with other woman? I really doubt it. young folks have little life experience, otherwise you would have known and accepted him with open arms no question asked.

    personally I think you should reject him cos he deserves far better. a guy who is shy doesn't speak with other women, he would want someone similar to him, who doesn't chat with guys/date etc..

    ma salama..

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      I actually agree...let him get another man like him.

    • -lol- I think I would have said worse than this when I first saw her post. Alhamdulillah I didn't rush in responding. But I think she should still consider the brother, perhaps he is a mercy from Allah for her Insha Allah.

  14. Salaam, i really am not surprised by this post. My son who is maashaallah a practising muslim, is educated to masters level and is mashaallah good looking. He has been divorced for the last three years (khulla) i won,t go in to detail why as i believe it is allahs will, he has a three and a half year old daughter who is gorgeous and lives with us the grandparents and only knows of us as her parents. He had been on these marriage websites for over a year, looking for a practicing spouse, but the so called deeni girls dont even want to know, he has given up and has asked me to find someone from pakistan. He says the so called deeni girls find him to modest he doesnt flirt or ask for dates he wants to do this in a halaal way. The girls say they r practising and hijaabi but also want him to be more affectionate, he now feels that its a kind of scam where the girls portray one image and want the opposite of what they r portraying. I would say to this young lady give the guy a break if you really r interested and inshaallah you will be very happy. However if your not interested in a deeni practising guy and would like someone that has a more westernised approach to non mehram women then i suggest you should not marry him. Please note being pious does not mean he cant have a laugh with friends or family, but that after marriage he will only have eyes for you. May allah swt help all our children make the right choices


    • Wa alaikum assalam,

      With all due respect, I understand that you and your son have been hurt, but your one ex-daughter-in-law does not represent all of the girls, and frankly I do not recommend the marital websites.

      Suppose I had a very abusive father and abusive brothers-it would probably legitimately taint my thinking of men and consider them all bad--but, SubhanAllah, I would be wrong 100% because there are many very good Muslim men--your son being one of them from what you say. In the same way, there are very good Muslimahs as well.

      Allah says in the Quran [12:5]

      He said, "O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.

      Let us not let shaitaan taint our general vision of one another. Let us not give up hope on our Ummah because of the trials and tribulations that we face in our lives, inn shaa Allah.

  15. Salam Mum,

    There are a lot of men and women who are pius. You just have to look in the right places and also be prepared to compromise on some aspects. People take it as sacred that if they marry someone pius then they will be happy. This is only a theory. Life doesn't work out like that. If you found 5 pius men to marry your daughter to then how would you decide which one? Because they are all pius. Then your daughter will be looking for phisical attraction and personality, compatibility, etc etc. she will choose the one who she will be more phisically and emotionally attracted to. Marriage is also about attraction. I mean how can you live with someone 24/7 if you are not attracted to them? Not just phisical but emotional. Its human nature.

    Even when i got married I had somethings that are s definite no no. Like i want someone pius but not strict, or harse person. Sometimes pius men can come accross as very rigid with no compassion. Not many women are attracted to this type of man. They think the man might imprison them and give them no free will. As its very hard to find out someones personality, character i.e whether they are laid back, talkative, quite romantic, or strict or kind without informally chatting to them. So girls will base their assumptions on first impressions or facial expressions.

    Pius is one thing but personality is another. Its not wrong to desire someone who is compatible with your personality. So maybe the sister is outgoing talkative and so this brother does not interest her.

    • "Sometimes pius men can come across as very rigid with (no compassion)."

      -lol-I would say "some pius men" instead of "sometimes pius men".

      That's my opinion, though.

  16. I would not reject a guy for being modest, but I would reject a guy for being shy. If a guy is shy and meek all the time, most likely, he is an introverted person. Shyness is genetic, and is also related to high resistance to novelty. I personally want my husband to be an assertive, loving protector type..not a quiet, reserved person, as it fits better with my communication style.

    • I think this brother here, could be modest, shy, assertive and loving protector type all together. One has to get close to him first to understand. Sometimes I see such people like kittens that look calm and compassionate most of the times, but are at the same time worriors when necessary.

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