Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I re-marry him or should I not? The Mufti says I can

Violent abusive husband choking his wife

He has an affair, but she is the victim

Asalam Alaikum to all,

I am a religious muslim girl.I am highly educated double P.G. simple social fun loving girl.I am 29 yrs old.I got married in dec. 2010.It was arranged.after engagement i talk to him on phone.sometimes he sound strange like one day i told him im going on my close friend (female) b'day he said don't go i askd why he said bcoz he is saying.these little little things he interfere and then say he test me whether i obey him or notwen i got my ear pierced he got angry as he told me not to do so and i didbcoz i like 2 pierce in my ear..i did not like his this attitude before marriage but i ignored & thout everything will get ok after marriage.

after marriage 1 month it was ok but then he start shouting for small things,yell at me ,throw things,abuse me and my parents.sumtimes behave in a abnormal way say something and then deny,laugh etc.i think his father hid his mental condition from us.It scared me bcoz its just the second month.small things hurt him.1 day iwas ironing his pant wich was very old i told him casually that u r an engineer.u shud wear nice clothes this pant is very old.he got so angry that he torn the pant& start mashing it with his legs.I really got scared.

I told his parents about his behaviour.their parents came home and they scolded him but it did effect him much.he is not at all religious,smokes,lie a lottt ,insensitive ,lack empathy manipulate my words,blaim me for everything,egoistic,abusive emotionally,controlling  kind of person.,dont have respect for other's parents.even when i express my views he says ur mother has taught u this which is so untrue.I am big enuf to think and express my view.

when we have fight i tell him to sought it ourselves but in the middle of the nite he call his father& then tell his father she is saying this that etc. the whole year i was only crying and defending myself.I am a God fearing person so i dont lie.but he manipulates.he is mumma's boy kind..when i talk on phone he record it.his father is also like him egoistic .for mall decisions like my going to my parent's home etc. his father husband says he is big and will take all decision but even small small decisions his father takes.he is so much dependent upon his father for all decision which is so annoying.sumetime his parent say some thing wich i dont like so i share it with my husband so he record my talk & make it listen to his parent to demean me.I cry all the time my self esteem lowered,isolated from frnds,my personality changed only work ws to defend myself.he record my mother talk on phone father told my father in law let them solve their problem dont get involve in it. my father in law says that he is my son he will tell everything to him.


Then i got pregnant i thought wen baby will cum i will get busy with it & thinks will get better.he works in a company whre his timing is 6pm to 3.30am everyday.wen he cum back at 3.30 i serve him hot food to eat.I took care of him.At day time he sleeps and at nite he is in office.I feel so lonely all the time At nite i wait for his call but he dont call.for 6 month i was with him then i got ill so i thought its my first issue i dont know anything so its risky to b all alone all i & my parents rquested my father in law to cum and stay with me or i shud stay with them at their small town but not alone at my husband place

then i came on eid in my inlaws home wich is a small town. I requested to stay with them and stay their for 3 month.though i wantd to go to my parent's home wich is a city and i was more comfortable thier with my mother but my father in law refused and said he want delivery at his place and not at my parents place.i sacrificed and stay with them.though i was staying with my inlaws but my husb. wanted me to stay with him.he dont call me .get angry all the time durng pregnancy a women feel like talking to husb.but he gave me a silent treatment .i cry all the time.

even though i was with his parents he behave like this during pregnancy.he dont even understand my condition at that time heartless. I delivered my baby at my inlaws place in a hospital.unfortunately i lost my baby after 4 days of delivery due to medical negligence.i was shattered.I came to my parents home for 1 month rest.i was very weak and sad for the baby.he even then didnot understood me n call and hurt me by saying i want permanent decision now.he blaim my parents for child death.i dont knowwhy???? i deliverd baby  at my inlaws place not at my parents place then also he blaimed my parents. .my husband didnot call me then it ws my anniversary on 29th dec. and he called me on 24thdec.and said in anger wnt to talk to my father he told my father that he want to take me back bcoz he want to celebrate aniversary. i was very weak at that time so my father politely said that he will drop me after a weak and invited him to celebrate anniversary with me at my parent's place.he called me & askd me,i said yes im still little weak u cum &we will enjoy ceremony(though i lost my baby so was not very keen of celebration) then in anger he said now we will have talaq ceremony.he found it very insulting to celebrate at girl's palce and on the eve of 28th dec 2012he called me ,abused me,my parents said that i cannot give him a child &wen i will go back he will take away my phone,he will remove servant etc.he will not send me home .i cried and told my parents.

my father spoke to my father i n law he said he will talk to him and took it parents were hurt and wanted them and his son to come home and have discussion but my father in law found it disrespecting and said he dont believe in discussion.small people do it.

.then many days pssed bythen my father said that he is hurt so he will not bring her u all cum n take her without any my father in law said she has to keep all her educational documents here either with her or with us not with her parents.only then we are ready to bring her home otherwise keep her with parents thought their intentions r not rite.they r keepi ng condition.and also my husband anger is so bad that he can even tear them so my father requested to give sometime after relationship will get better she will take it away herself.itis her  document and no one will benefit from that.wat will my I(myparents) do of husband call my father and threaten him for divorce.and on 22nd january 2012 eve he called my father and said "i am giving talaq to her and have no relationship with her"according to mufti he has broken nikah he has no right but if i want i can do nikah with him or with anyone else(talaq bayan).on 24th nov 2011 i lost my baby and on 22nd jan talaq.double shock to me.

my parents says he will never change.he even record my talks on phone.hate my parents thought of nikah my father called my fatherinlaw and son to have a talk bcoz after talaq discussion is imp.but for my father in law like always feel its a big insult for them to come to my home and have discussion anyways

.they came in anger as if they are doing favour to parents were really cool .my mom cooked nice food for them but my father in law refused to eat.i dont know why he came with so much of temper.even i got talaq so i and my parents have to be angry but instead they were showing anger.i was cool and politely talking but my husband even after he did such mistake of talaq wanted document.i think he ws taking my politeness for granted .he came in anger thinking that my parents & i will show anger bcoz he has destroyed my life by talaq but after seeing that my parents are sad but nice with them I am also not angry (bc oz i wanted to make up things )he asked for my documents again.i think he loves those piece of paper morethan me.discussion was going on between elders my father in law said something which my mother did not like and she answer this made my husband so angry that he throw bottle in anger,bang on door, move out on road where all my neighbour's were looking.i thought he will cum and feel guilty for what he done but see wat he did.after his this behaviour my father in law cooled little bit and ask my father to call maulana and have nikaah but aftr his this bad behavior my father was confused and ask for some time to think.after that visit he did not bother to come and resolve problem bcoz it was his insult.only on phone he was talking but did not cum face toface.otherwise things wud have resolved.even after talaq he blaim me for everything.blaim that i dont give him fresh food,give him 4 days old food etc wich is untrue.everyone say that Allah helped me.Allah has some maslahat in everythin since everytime we plan of nikah & things go wrong.he is not genuinly sorry for his mistake.

.sometime he say sorry and sumtime that what he did was jayaz(right), I think his intention was to give me one talaq to thretean me .for one sec he cry and the next sec start shouting parents says this time if u will go he wil take revenge.& then his parents will also not take ur side.they say wen u have to do nikaah do it with other nice person again nikah with the same person who is so bad.i belong to affluent parents,my brother,sister have full support for me.they think he is not from the heart apologetic and though divorce is a bad thing but he has given it to me and  i am safely out of this.Allah is with me and helped me to get out.even their is some maslahat in loosing my baby otherwise he wud have taken away my baby.

but thier were some good memories with him.thier is a part of me who loves him.i dont know wat to parents say marriage is a life time commitment and not a matter of 1 or 2 days.and he will not change.wen my elder brother had spoken to him on phone.he asked like 'u abuse her parents if any one will abuse ur parents how will u feel and he reply he  will kill that person coz his parents are nice and he love them .double standard.

im 29 yrs of age not very young, second hand sometime i think who will marry me.though i dont have any child.sumetime i feel guilty that if i wud have given the document he shud not have divorced me?i dont know wat to do?i have a soft corner for himbut if he wud have loved me he wud have come my home and resolve thing peacefully but he only listen to his father who find it a insult to cum to my home.i think he dont luv me but jst need me to satisfy him..and sumtime i miss him also wat to do?i called him recently to see whether he has changed.I said that apart from our parents if two people from ur side and two from my side will sit and discuss then only problem can b sought out he was blaiming me since i am a God fearing person so for Allah i said him that if i have hurt you ,ur parents  and ur sister then i am sorry.

He called my father after one day and said since your daughter has apologize for her mistake so he is ready for discussion and he is so cunning that he has recorded my sorry statement to show it to everyone. he hurts me everytime .will he ever change.? shud i give him a chance?before also he abused my mother and then say sorry and we forgive him.(when he abuse my parents it hurts me the most).but this time he has broken nikaah. sumtime i think i am a nice girl by living with him i also become like him (start abusing his parents)which i dont want . i dont want to ruin my akharat.After all I have to die and face Allah.but i also like to have kids and family life insha allah.

please advice me .i really need it. im confused to listen to my head or heart.


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25 Responses »

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your lost. Sis I don't want you to go back..29 is not old you ate still young and have a long life to go..don't waste the next long future with someone who will not change.

  2. Assalamualaikum sister cheerful,

    I am very happy that Allah saved you from a worse situation. You are in a very good position than many other sisters.

    Some sisters have children, for who, custody fight happens. If the child is left with her, she has the problem of taking care of it without a father, or has a problem finding another man to marry because she has a child. All there are practical difficulties, correct or not is secondary.
    Why I say you are in a good position is that you came out of this relationship while you are still in your 20's. Though not very young, you can find a good brother and marry him. Secondly, Allah took your child without putting any burden on you in terms of custody or expenditure or other difficulties of life for a single mother.

    See how Merciful Allah Is. He Is Merciful in Giving and in Taking. If He Gives something He Is Merciful. If He Takes something, He Is still Merciful. Subhanallah!

    Thank him for limiting your worries to this and trust that One Who Has Given you Patience to face this situation Will Give you a better future in terms of a good husband and a peaceful life.

    This is a time of test and a trial, sister. You should hold tight to Allah's Deen and not follow the footsteps of the Shaitaan. Allah Will in sha Allah Give you better than what you have lost. Read the following Hadith if you don't believe me:

    When Abu Salamah Radiyallahu Anhu died, his wife Umm Salamah Radiyallahu Anha was sad. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:

    “If a servant of Allah is afflicted with a misfortune and says:
    ‘Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un,
    Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa akhlif li khairan minha‘ (Verily we belong to Allah and truly to Him shall we return. O Allah! Protect me in this calamity that has befallen me and replace it with something better), Allah will accept his prayer, grant him reward for his affliction, and replace it with something better.”

    She said who can be better than Abu Salamah? After the Iddah, she received a proposal from Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, the best of the Humanity. The answer to her question who can be better.

    So, my sister, please have patience and trust in Allah.

    Regarding this man, I don't see any reason why he should get any more chances. You have seen enough and he has got enough chances.

    He is probably jealous of you because you have done a double post graduation, while he is just am engineer. It is probably because of the egoistic pleasure that he wants to keep your degrees away from you. Your father is right about him destroying your documents. So, don't ever think this could be an option. You will be dropping a rock on your own foot by doing so.

    You will find much better men who will keep you happy unlike him.

    You can not expect goodness from a person who does not offer prayers and is not on Deen. So, you should NOT return to him. If you do, you would bd destroying your life and putting yourself into more trouble. Though difficult, your life is much easier now, than it could be, if you were to return to him.

    Out of love and sympathy, you may agree, but he will probably treat you even bad because of all that happened. His father may always remind you the happenings and disturbing you....

    Thank Allah that He brought you away from this place and move ahead with life, showing patience and gratitude towards Allah, your Creator, Who Created you, and to Who you will return.

    Will you not like it that Allah Helps you as He did in this World? His Mercy on this World is just 100th part. He has kept the 99 parts of Mercy for the Hereafter.

    One last thing, when you find a brother you can marry, do Istikhaarah to seek Allah's counsel about this man.

    May Allah Have His Mercy on you and me, indeed He Is The Most Merciful, The Most Gracious.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Mufti Ismail Menk wrote the following on his facebook page some days ago. Though the last paragraph does not apply to your case:

      Whilst divorce may release one from
      oppression, it is used as a door for a
      different oppression by some. It requires true piety & great character
      to fulfil one another's rights after

      Trying to show who is more powerful, who was right or being bitter about how the marriage ended, spreading rumour & insult results in great loss & silent suffering of the perpetrators & at times the innocent children.

      Children take to all sorts of regretful
      habits because of their inability to deal with warring parents in any other way.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

      • Walaikum Salam sister Cheerful,
        Kudos to what brother Waseem said, you deserve someone better. I don't understand how a sister like yourself ended up marrying such a loser and excuse of a man seriously. It's always a good idea to do referencing or background check before getting married because it save a lot of problems in the future. Never ever hand over your educational documents to anyone, they are yours and only you have the right to keep them.
        No one deserve to be abused physically/mentally or shouted/insulted, you needed him the most when you were pregnant but all he did was treat you badly and you ended up losing your child. If your baby died due to complications during your pregnancy resulting from physical/emotional/verbal abuse by your husband then rest assured he will be punished by Allah (swt) iA.
        Also, as brother Waseem said don't worry about getting married again, take some time to heal while your legal divorce takes place and I am sure that you will find someone a lot better than your Ex. Who will love your, respect, care and protect you iA. I understand that it's not easy but Allah (swt)'s mercy is infinite and HE sees all and will reward you for your patience and good nature iA.

        Write back to us if you need further help and you can show this post with replies to help your parents make their mind too because no good is going to come out of returning to this evil, vile man. Who knows he might kill you one day. So, please never think of reconciliation with this man because he is manipulative, abusive and a psycho.

        May Allah (swt) help you and your parents in this difficult situation to make the right decision for your worldly life and Akhirah (amin).


        • I was so sad to read your story.
          People/families like your husband and his father are unjust men who abuse their power and will lie their way out of being accountable.
          Their sense of entitlement like tearing up his pants and wanting your certifications helps no one.
          Sometimes you have to remove emotions and yourself from a situation like this and ask if it was happening to someone this fair and just?

          You are NOT responsible for the mental illness of father and son and in a strange way you were SAVED by your baby .

          Give thanks and choose wisely and give your self and your future children a good and man as a husband and the best father.

      • Asalam -O-Alaikum,
        People say that husband and wife are each other libaas and shud hide their faults from others.He was not namaazi.forget about praying 5 times a day he don’t even offer jumah (Friday) 1 yr of mine with him he offered ony 3-4 namaazincluding id namaaz.. bcoz he has night shift job so in day time he sleeps.i wake him up for jummah namaz but he get annoyed that I disturb his sleep etc.I tell him to go for namaaz and then come back and sleep.I told my father in law who go for Friday namaaz that He is elder and my husband will listen to him so wake him up and take along with him for namaaz.bcoz this habit of his not even offering Friday namaaz make me angry and it a complain that I made to my father in law(whose effort was also in vain ) ?my father in law says that if he wake him up and he will not get up then my father in law will get gunaah.He also smokes which was ruining his health(night shift job+smoking).i also have allergy with its smell so I told my father in law only about it .my intention was his health issue .is it also a complain.?i do not want to demean him but trying to make him a good man.But I think I was wrong and I shud not have done this.
        lastly, I am looking for a good job to get busy prey for me that i get the job soon.

    • Asalam-o Alaikum brothers n sisters,
      Thank you for ur encouraging words.I am trying to recover with the pain that I dealt in the past.I am deendar & namaazi but this incident(divorce & baby lost) has made me more closer to Allah & made me more n more punctual in my namaaz n other every namaaz (including tahazzud)I do taubah to Allah & weep for forgiveness even if I ever hurt my inlaws and my husband then forgive me.
      Though I m trying to get normal but there is guilt in me I have heard that after marriage husband cumes before anyone ,if I wud have given my documents to him this talaq wud not have happened but I listen to my parents (who thought his intentions are not right and why he is forcing soooo much on document wich has no use for him.They were also right in their thought)if I wud have gone on anniversary though I was not well this wud not have happened.what all he abused me and my mother on 29th Dec.& said when I will return back to him he will not give me,& iwas not able to give him a baby &I have to visit my parents only with him n not alone etc. in anger if I wud not have told this to my parents this will not have happened.have I over reacted..

      • Wa Alaikum as Salam,

        It is true that husband is the one who deserves most respect after you get married. But when he fails to fulfil his duties and fails to give you your rights, when he deserves to be separated from you, there is no obedience.

        There is no obedience in sin, as a Hadith mentions.

        Additionally, you should never go to the the past and say "This wouldn't have have happened, if..." because, it opens the door to Shaitan according to a Sahih Hadith.

        And divorce is the only Halal thing that Allah dislikes. But it is necessary in some cases such as yours. Mind you, it is "Halaal". And you need not worry, because you were not the one who asked for divorce, though you should have.

        Just keep this event behind and walk ahead. You have a lot to do. You want to get married to a good man, have children, do their Tarbiyah according to the Sharee'ah, and teach them good habits. You have to do a lot of Worship of Allah in order to increase your good deeds and benefit yourself and your loving parents in the Aakhirah.

        Continue your prayers including the Tahajjud, do Salatul Ishraq, do Salatul Witr, and always be thankful to Allah.

        Never let your past affect your future. If Allah decides so, you have a long way to go. So, lead your life well, in order to Please Allah.

        And please remember me in your Duas when you be calling upon the Rabb in the middle of the night.

        “The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains and says: ‘Who will call upon Me, that I may answer Him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?’” (Bukhari and Muslim)

        I wish to be among those who Allah Forgives, so should you. Concentrate on what you presently can do, instead of living in the past and causing yourself grief and pain.

        Muhammad Waseem Editor

        • Asalam -o- Alaikum brother Mohd.Wassem,

          Thank you so much for your enlightning words.Everyday i was dying of this guilt that watever happen happened bcoz of me &hereafter Allah will punish me.But with your comment I am feeling bit relax.Surely I will prey for you in tahazzud .My mother prey all other nafil namaaz like chasht,Ishraq,Aba been.I am also thinking of preying other nafil apart from tahazzud.My parents have done my marriage in a very lavish way so my divorce is a biggest set back for them .But they have faith in Allah & so dont wnt to throw me in that hell.They support me,make me laugh say nothing has happened and every thing will be all right but I know they cry in namaaz and when alone.
          Please all of you prey for my old parents.and I am looking for a good job so prey that i get a good job soon and i get busy...

  3. Salam dear sister

    You are a good muslimah and you have endured so much. Alhamdulillah, Allah has been kind to you and released you from the clutches of people who have been unkind to you and your family.

    Do not turn back. 29 is such a young age. Be patient and Allah will surely reward you with a better future with a better spouse and in-laws, InshaAllah. Put your trust fully in Allah. Husnu dzan towards Allah and you will surely find Him Most Compassionate, Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. There is no love like Allah's Love.

  4. brother waseem and Muhammad have given such a comprehensive and good advise. i would say the same.
    you are only 29yr.dont plan to spend next 29 yrs with this horrible man.

    you fool me once shame on you, you fool me twice shame on me. dont let him make you a fool again.

    i friend of mine is going through divorce just now. her husband came to her house saying that he is just there to see the baby , but sneaked in and stole all her degrees and i think he has detryoed them as a revenge. so be careful.also avoid seeing him alone always have a male member of your family with you ( i seriously mean it, such men can be very agreesve when tey see a loosing game like throw acid etc)

  5. I am. Really disturbed my husband use to be comfortable now he is broke i. Take. Care of the house and our two kids its too much for me sometimes i get frustrated i dnt know what to do am. Confused please i need your prayers

  6. Sister,

    After reading your post and how horrible and abusive this man is not only to you but also your parents, I don't understand why you would want to return to him?! He is rude, arrogant and well...basically a jerk. Why on earth would you ever put yourself in a situation again with someone who treats you like dirt?! Don't do that to yourself, you deserve a lot better and you know it. Stop apologizing to him, he isn't worth the air in your lungs!


  7. Sister, I would say dont go back to him please - you got beautiful parents wallahi, just live with them while Allah will bless you with someone better than him, wallahi dont go back to him, he will abuse you abuse abuse you, or even that hit you, this man is controlled by his father, his a fathers boy, he has anger problems, mental problem, please dont marry him, A woman once went to the prophet Muhammad SAW for an advice for which two men to marry that proposed to her, The Prophet Muhammad SAW said, dont marry this man because he is poor, and dont marry the other man because his stick never leaves him - meaning he hits woman so the Prophet Muhammad SAW adviced to marry another good husband!

    Sister for your deen sake, dont go back to this evil man who does not pray - whoever neclects prayer is a disbeliever according to some scholars sayings because of the hadith that which stands between muslim man and kufr is prayer and whoever gives up is a disbeliever

    Sister, this man does not obey Allah... How do you expect him to obey you? The best of you are those best to their wives. sister you deserve to be treated like a queen, your God-fearing and have love of Allah - do not go back to this evil man - he wants to destroy your life, take your degree and leave you with kids. Am sure thats his aim -

    theres no good in him - wallahi am sure if u refered this to the scholars, they would say keep away from him

    so for your own deen sake, and if you want to live in a happy life forget about this man and leave with your parents till Allah blesses you with a good man thousand better than him

    Thats my advice and truly the advices from the muslims - am sure no muslim who would say go back to this evil and arrogant man - You said you got elder brother MashaAllah ... subhannallah I would never let my sister go through like this ever - am sure I would stop this evil man by my own tongue and hands and would never let him come near him and his father tooo - wallahi he does not deserve you - your a queen

    and lastly - dont ever be with him Alone - you not a cause of the trouble and separation and you not feel sorry - its him and his father who caused it - they should be blamed and there should be no chance given ever! You mention he throw a bottle, shouted and left in the road - sister this man has mental and anger issues - he will punch you and hit you when u go back to him trust me - this man does not deserve any daughter of a man -- he should live on his own till he proper proper changes - I will surely make dua for you InshaAllah!

    asalaamu alaykum

    • walekum asalam brother abdurrehman,

      Thank you for your kind advice.yes I have an elder brother.MashaAllah very namaazi and living his deeni and duniyabi life in a very nice way.He knows that divorce is a bad thing and no brother wants her sister to get divorce.He also tried to talk to my ex husband and mend out things but he failed bcoz my ex husband who is younger to my brother was so arrogant to my brother and shouting
      and when my brother politely said that like he abuse my mother if any one will abuse his mother how will he husband replied that he will kill him if any one will say anything to his parents.My brother decided that this relationship will not work.and i will finish my life with him. next day my husband called my brother to apologize.when my brother said take some time think about it and we will have discussion face to face he again boiled up and started shouting on my brother that this is all your family plan etc. since then my bro decided not to send me with him whose mind changes every minute .no matter how much he apologize.

  8. Asalam Alaikum,

    brother wael,sister amy,sister z please comment on my post.I want all your valuable comment to take decision.I know u all are busy people but please its a request.Allah will bless you. I will remember you in my prayers.

    Allah Hafiz

    • Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

      I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. You have been given some good words of advice by others here maasha'Allah. I read the comment you left on the 'Eid Mubarak' post, where you said:

      "He sms me for eid mubarak.last year i spent eid with him.feeling little nostalgic today after reading his sms.Allah give me sabr and strength.I am feeling little uneasy today and feeliing like weeping."

      Sister, do you want to return to the same unpleasant difficult, undignifying, abusive marriage you were in before? Allah has returned your freedom and dignity, why do you want to give that up? I understand, you are feeling lonely and want companionship - but do you believe your ex husband can provide you with that? Do you have proof that your ex husband has changed? I am sure you do not. The only thing you have are feelings of loneliness, memories of the few good times you had with your ex husband and an sms he has sent you on eid.

      Put things into perspective. Cherish the fact that Allah has given you relief already, say Alhumdulillah. Cherish the fact that Allah has given you a family that are so supportive. Cherish the fact that Allah has given you understanding of deen and a good education - so you can think and stand up on your own two feet if need be. You have been so patient in the last year, continue to strive to be patient and move on with your life. Seek out things that make you happy and do not curl back into what you find familiar and comfortable just because it seems easy to do so, those things are not always good for you. Let this time of loneliness pass and you will begin to think clearer. Loneliness is sometimes a good thing, it gives us time to meditate, to isolate one self from all that is negative and to dive into communication with Allah(swt). He(swt) will give you better than that which you have lost.

      Ask Allah(swt) to grant you with a spouse who is good for you in this life and the next. Ask Him(swt) to grant you with sabr and dignity and make you behave as a strong confident Muslimah. Love yourself because Allah made you, respect yourself, you are important. Want the best for yourself - you deserve it.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Outstanding advice, as always. Thank you sister. I am sure many readers appreciate your clear guidance and encouragement.

        -Amy Editor

  9. Asalam Alaikum,

    You have been abused and the abuse is continuing, he is also now abusing your family despite saying he is sorry! He is not walking his talk and following his religion. I went through a similar situation with the man I was planning to marry and found out many terrible things about him, he claimed to be a good person, a good Muslim, he would fast during Ramadan.. or at least that is what he would tell me, I saw him pray only sometimes, it started out with small things, nasty comments, verbal abuse, drugs and drinking, which he would deny and it escalated and escalated until one day he attacked me when I found out some horrible lie about him. I am many miles away from him now and Ilhamdu Allaah that He saved me from marrying him. All his family think he is a good guy because they don't even live in the same country as him so when he visits him they only see his good side. He is divorced twice and neither of his previous wives will even speak to him now. Please, if you have all these signs and he is not trying to fix it and make amends and you have prayed over it and it is still not getting better, then Allah is showing you that this man is not a good one, there is a lesson to be learned about yourself from this, that you must respect and love yourself enough to walk away from an abuser. Allah has a better plan for you.


  10. Dear sister,
    People like your ex-husband and in laws are trash, and should be in the garbage. You should definitely not go back because you need to understand your worth and self respect. You should thank Allah you made it out alive and no matter how lonely you feel ,don't forget the reason why you git divorced. People like that never change and he has parents that are also retarded like him, who instead of fixing things ruined things. His cries etc are manipulations and they will never end. If a man wants to keep you in his life he would never let you go instead of insulting your parents and crying like an idiot. So please let this person go for the sake of your parents and your self. Have faith in Allah, Allah has made good men for good women and bad men for bad, let the bad poison go. May Allah grant you peace and give you a good husband. recite Ya Saburu.

  11. First of all it looks like a compatibility issue. You understand things differently and he understand things differently. So basically there is no common ground or understanding between you too. Also you both made no effort in making the marriage work or try to understand each other. you were sticking to your view point and arguing with it and he was sticking to his point and arguing with it. You both only spoke of thing like you & me (You did did that..etc) you both did not talk like "us" (How can we do this...? ) It has to be We....we...we.. and not or

    I see that for each and every thing you were involving your parents (Your dad in this case) to settle things or to prove who was correct which made your husband to piss off. he got more angry and started abusing your parents because you were married to your hubby but listening to your parents which no hubby will like it. Also I see you have tried so much to change him rather than to change your self to fit your family. The reason being you always thought you were correct. In this case I would blame your parents that they did not teach you or made you to think alone and take your judgement. Your parents influenced you in each and every step.

    There is a very common attitude of girls now a days that they think what ever they do is right.

    Husbands feel respected when you obey them irrespective of what it is or who is correct or wrong. If he dislikes your parents which mean he feels he is insulted or disrespected. You need to look what it was and try to feel/make him feel respected. Praise your husband. Do 1 thing for him and he will do 10 things for you.

    Stop complaining and start working on your mistakes. I see your husband tried very hard to bring you back by forgiving your parents who made him feel insulted (at least trying to forget).

    Remember 1 thing only 10% is the actual problem and rest 90% is the tone of your voice.

    Guys are designed aggressive by God to protect and provide security to their female members so you cannot change his aggressive nature.

    If you have thing to complain Allah will give more to complain. Be contained with what you have.

    I see so many people giving in so many advises which focuses everything on what you say. Remember every story has 2 versions. 1 is yours and another 1 is your husbands. you both have contributed to this mess and blaming him alone is really unfair.

    1 last thing: you may see I am being very rude but this is the reality because I myself a divorced person and the feeling of being divorced is very hard and guys would not complain like girls. They crumble and their heart will be shattered. They have more pain than you because they would think that they are not valued after doing so much for you. you may not realize what he did but he had done so many things to make you feel happy.

    • Hi Imran,

      What about a husband who were left behind by his wife because of his terrible temper and lies and create stories to favor himself even to the point of painting the other people black to the eyes of his parents. Althouh I know it's a sin to leave your husband, I never looked at any guy witht the tought of finding a replacement. Since the day I left him, he's been cheating on me with several girls. I keep forgiving him as I know marriage life is not a bed of roses. Now he found someone from his country and he doesnt want to divorce me because it will cost him a lot of money.

  12. Assalamualaikum dear sister cheerful, I am very sorry to comment on your post after 3 years. It has been a long time and you must have healed and started a new life by now. Therefore, I am not here to give you any advice. I just wanted know how you are and what you are doing right now. I am going through the same trauma that you went through then, and my husband is to a great extend like your ex husband (I am sure you didn't go back to him). I am getting the same advices from my family members that you got here. The comments here helped me as well. I am sure that Allah will give me a happy life in the future In Sha Allah.

    I just wanted to know how your life is going now. Knowing about your happy and properous life will give me a lot of encouragement to go on with my own life and do something with it.

    Take care

  13. Assalamualaikum,

    Dear Sister,
    I'm sorry to hear your story. As I'm not qualified to give you fatwa so I will not. But I can just share my knowledge about it.

    First of all as far as I know please try to discuss your matter with a Muslim marriage counselor and please don't make it public otherwise you'll be puzzled with so many things.

    Second thing is to the best of my knowledge Prophet (PBUH) told us what to look for in a person you want to marry. Those are, MONEY, FAMILY, LOOK, and TAKWA. He mentioned TAKWA as the most important thing for what we can sacrifice any other points. As you mentioned that you are God fearing and your ex husband wasn't praying and not religious I think it wasn't a wise choice in the first place and Allah knows the best.

    Any mistakes are from me and if anything good that this message may bring is from Allah.

    May Allah help and protect you and all of us. May He forgive us all.


  14. Dear sister....i feel this person is a maniac. When u have gone through so much with him y remarry him again? A healthy marriage should have trust, compromise, love, patience and compatibility....i don't see any of these in ur marriage... move forward in life ..ur educated n single...ur still so young 29 is not old...just eat right, get healthy ,happy n back to be a fun loving girl just as u were before me the world will be back of u..good luck sister..

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