Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I never knew he was lazy, should I seek divorce?

Unwelcome house guest, moocher, man sleeping on sofa

Lazy Husband

Salamunalaikum brothers and sisters,

I met the man i married over 7 years ago when I went back home for a visit and completely fell inlove with him. I came back to Canada and we were always talking to each other on the phone for about 6 years.

We finally decided that it was time to get married. My father did not approve at first but he finally accepted it. We got married last year and I just felt that the minute we got married he changed completely. Or maybe he didnt change but because we live on opposite sides of the world I just didnt know exactly who he was. We have been married for a year and a half now and he still has not gone after the paperwork that we need for me to be able to sponsor him to come to Canada.

After we got married I found out that he is a very lazy person, I used to have to force him to get out of bed and I can not see myself married to someone who is lazy for the rest of my life. And because of all of these things between us we fight all the time almost every time we talk on the phone we have an argument.

He is not there for me emotionally, physically, or even financially. He has not sent me a single penny since we got married. In fact, when I went back home to visit, we were living off of my money. I work very hard to earn my money, sometimes even 15 hour shifts I have worked to give myself a good life. So besides the love that I have for him, there is absolutely no other reason that I am with him still. Sometimes when I think about it, I dont think I even love him anymore.

The last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago and I dont know when the next time will be. I always thought about getting a divorce but I was never serious about it. Not, I can honestly say with all of my heart and soul that I want and need a divorce from him so I can maybe have some sort of life left to live.

Please if anybody has any kind of advice they can give me as to what to do now I would really appreciate it. Thank you all

- LY1234


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum,

    Inshallah this message reaches you in a state of peace and under the Mercy of Allah subhana wa ta'alaa!

    When I read your post I felt very bad for your situation and will make du'a for you and your family. As this issue concerns divorce I am hesitant to offer much in the way of advice as this is a very sensitive issue which is hated by Allah, and only a person with the proper knowledge can give you the best advice. However inshallah I can share with you some points that will point you in the right direction, and aid you in your search for a solution to your problem.

    The first thing and most immediate action is to seek help from Allah subhana wa ta'alaa. This must be the foundation of all your actions and cannot be disregarded as insignificant, as it is Allah whom grants us all of the good in our lives. Allah gave you your husband and certainly it is within His power to repair the disagreement, or give you something better. When I say seek the help of Allah I mean,

    a) Study what Allah has said about marriage in the Qur'aan Kareem and seek the solutions he has prescribed, for example in Surah 3:34, and 4:1;

    b) Research the words of Prophet Muhammad salaalayi wa salaam, and his example when it came to marriage and his treatment of his wives, or advice to his sahaba in regard to their mairriage;

    c) Make sincere and continuous du'a that Allah subhan wa ta'alaa will improve your situation, and make known to you the path that you will take, with the intent that you will accept His will, whatever he decides;

    d) Most importantly after all of these steps you must be patient in applying the medicine/solution which Allah has provided as Allah has explained to us that patience and prayer are keys to success in this life and the next and are necessary in actualizing the prescriptions which He has given us. There is no point in calling ourselves Muslims if we are not willing to behave as Muslims and use the solutions Allah has provided to us.

    The next point is that I really must emphasize that these are all issues which you MUST share with your husband himself. Many times in a relationship people may feel that the other person understands or knows what they are feeling, but often the opposite is true, and in this case your husband may not know the depth of you pain. So my suggestion is to make sure that you have tried every possible way to explain to him your feelings, and make sure that there is no doubt about his knowledge of the severity of the issues, and that they may lead to a separation.

    The next thing is to counsel with your walee. The importance of this cannot be understated, however in today's times people often neglect this for various reasons. The walee is a position created by Allah and taught to us by our Prophet alayhee salaam. This person is there as a "guardian" both before and after the nikaah for these exact purposes, to ensure that you are given your rights. The walee is generally the best person to know the nature of your situation as he was there from the start and should be familiar with your husband and the circumstances of your marriage, and will be able to mediate for you on you behalf with your husband. If your walee is not available then possibly a close family member may be of help in this situation, however you should be receptive to their advice and try not to approach the situation looking for someone to confirm your thoughts... in other words keep and open mind.

    Finally if necessary before you make a decision please take the mutual counsel of an Imam or other qualified person who has knowledge of these issues and can give you both the right advice. This person will not only be able to help you and your husband improve the situation but also he will be able to advise you on the steps you need to take if the situation is at a loss. This is extremely important as we must seek out correct advice when it comes to matters which affect our entire family, both yours his, and your relationship with Allah.

    For sure marriage is not easy, but at the same time it a great blessing and always keep in mind that this is the person whom Allah has given you and you should make every effort to make things work. Often times once the "honeymoon" is over (so to speak) and all the newness wears off we begin to see the cracks and flaws which we initially over looked or excused. This is something that the Shaytan uses to influence us against our spouse. No one is perfect and many of us need time to grow up, mature and change. Change is not easy as it takes time and effort. Certainly if you love this person and see the good for which you married him it is your duty to help him in this regard, if at all possible.

    The issues you mentioned are very serious and certainly involve your rights over you husband, however without following the steps I mentioned it would be unwise to rush to a judgement or conclusion. Considering the time you took before deciding on this commitment it should be easy for you to take a similar amount of time attempting to work things out.

    Regarding the statement you made about spending the rest of your life unhappy ... only Allah knows the length of our life, and maybe you will live 100 years... or maybe only one day. Try not to look at it in terms of being unhappy forever, as this is a fear implanted by the Shaytan which is not realistic.

    The reality is that you could walk away at any point, but from what you wrote your integrity, your love of your husband, and your love of Allah keeps you bound to your commitment, and this is a testament to the love in your heart, as well as your iman.

    For this Allah says in His Quran that He will certainly reward you, and as He does not place any burden on us greater than we can bear He will not abandon you in this matter. Therefore inshallah if you practice patience in this matter He will either improve your marriage, or if He wills, give you something better.

    We will make du'a for you and your family to ease your difficulties and heal the hurt in your hearts, ameen.

    Wa as-salamu alaykum.

  2. Wa alikumasalaam,
    I think you should first tell him all these feelings, and give him a chance. Even though I personally believe that some habits and nature such as level of activity, what you like, dislike, what kind of person you are (introvert/extrovert) are really hard to change, if not impossible. I think by the time we are adults, these things are set in stone. Which is why figuring out compatibility is so important.

    But he should know what you are feeling, so he isn't surprised. It is his right to be informed of this. So you should tell him that you do not appreciate his lack of enthusiasm and activity. That it hurts you, makes you feel [insert feelings here].

    And then if it still doesn't work, then it is best to seek divorce. Better start afresh now, then be unhappy many years later, and looking back and wishing you had sought a different path.

    If you are incompatible, you're incompatible. Khalas. There is a hadith of a woman who sought divorce, she said she found nothing wrong with her husband (he was a pious man, and fulfilled his duties) except that she wasn't attracted to him. And that was reason enough for the Prophet saw. And he divorced them.

    In any case, it is worth a try to heal, communicate and resolve before you seek divorce.

  3. Why did you marry someone who YOU didn't care to know more about? Sometimes you can't know someone until you marry them, but the truth is another marriage won't change your inability in what to look in at a spouse or how to communicate

  4. As-salamu alaykum sister,

    I feel there is some information left out of your question. First of all, is your husband employed? Does he have a job? If not, why not? Is he looking for work consistently?

    If he has a job, and these times when you are "forcing" him to get out of bed are on his days off or after work, then I would say leave him alone. No one likes to be pushed in this way.

    You say he has not sent you money. Since you are in the UK and working so many hours, are you making more money than him? If that's the case then maybe he is struggling financially and has nothing to send you. And I would point out that you probably knew of his employment situation and income (or lack thereof) before you married him. Perhaps once he immigrates to the UK he can get a better job and better income, to where he can support a family.

    Lastly, I would point out that the constant arguments over the phone are not helping. These arguments will only further drive a wedge between you and your husband and probably guarantee the failure of the marriage. Men need to be supported and encouraged, not harangued and criticized. A wife can either build her husband up, or cut him down with her tongue. Which are you doing?

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. This is an advice from an older sister who is in a marriage for 18 years. My husband is lazy too. I provide all support to my family. I wanted to divorce him after 1st year of marriage. But, I stayed and tried to change him. People never change. He is what he is. I regret that I didn't divorce him. May Allah lead you to the correct path. My doah for you.

  6. I would like to thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I will take all of your advice and pray that Allah guide me to the right path. Amin

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