Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I sever ties with my brother, for my future husband?

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Assalamualaikum. Thank you for sparing the time to read this. Please help me out here.

I'm a 23 year old girl. When I was around 5 years old, I was molested by my brother who is 8 years older than me. There was never any intercourse, just fondling. I had no idea that what we were doing was wrong. I was just a child. This thing went on for almost 6 years. After all those years, I confided in a friend of mine, who told me to tell my mother about all this. So I did, and she was mortified. She told me how this was wrong, and then started to protect me. She would always be around after that, and would never leave me alone. She never confronted my brother about all this. She didn't even tell anybody else, not even my father. After all this, my brother never touched me again.

Over the years, my brother started becoming my friend. He became very close to me, he would help me out all the time, discuss my problems with me. Probably because he felt very guilty about what happened in the past. We never talked about the past though, and still haven't. He became closer to Allah. He would say his prayers 5 times a day and became a better person generally. He worked so hard and is very successful now. He became the golden child in the eyes of my parents, even my mother. I would never talk to my mother about everything that happened in the past because then she'd get extremely upset and would start crying, and I hated seeing her like that. I didn't want her to hate my brother, because I had forgiven him, and he had redeemed himself. And that was enough for me. Whenever she would start talking about it, I would change the subject. So I never talked about it so that those feelings would never revive for her.

It's been almost 3 years since my brother moved out of the country with his wife. I don't talk to him much because I still remember everything that happened. And he thinks that I don't because I was so young back then, and I never even showed it over the years. Just because I forgave him and I was okay with him all those years doesn't mean that I forgot, and that it still doesn't hurt sometimes.

The thing is that I met a guy almost a year back. We became very good friends. He is a very intelligent, honest, kind and a loyal person. He's also very religious. We both started developing feelings for each other over the year. He confessed his feelings for me some time ago, and I did the same. We didn't want one of those typical western relationships which has become a trend recently (Nauzubillah), we wanted to get married. So we were considering each other for that.

I had this thing engraved inside my head ever since I was a little girl that I would never tell anybody about what had happened to me in the past, EXCEPT that one person who I was gonna marry, because that person should know who I am. Utterly and completely. My naked body should belong to only that person who falls in love with my naked soul. He is a very intelligent guy, he knew something has been troubling me for a long time now. He didn't know what it was, but he knew there was something. Since I had decided that this was the person I'm gonna marry, I decided to tell him about my past. So I did. I told him everything, EXCEPT the fact that that person was my brother. I didn't give him a name. I said it was a relative of mine. He got so upset, so very upset, because something so tragic had happened to me. He took it pretty well though, he didn't lose his mind. But one thing I didn't expect him to say, and that was that he wanted to kill that person. He said if I ever find out who he was, I will rip him to pieces. That scared me so much... I tried to talk him out of it, but he was so angry.

We talked about it a bit. He told me he doesn't blame me for what had happened. It wasn't my fault. He said he absolutely hates that person for doing this to me. He presented this stipulation to me. He said that if you want me to marry you, then I have a condition, and that is for you to NEVER EVER see or meet or talk to that person again. I don't want him in your life. He said if you can't agree to this, then we can't get married.

I am so confused right now... How can I tell him that that is not possible?? How can I never talk to that person again? He's my brother, of course he's gonna be in my life. Even though we don't live in the same country anymore, I'd have to see him at family marriages or parties. I'd have to stay in touch with him. What would my family think if they find out that I haven't been in touch with my brother? I would never be able to tell them the reason...

And this guy... He doesn't even know that this person is my brother... I don't even know how he'd react if he were to find out...

Honestly, this person means so much more to me than my brother. He's always been there for me. He is ready to accept me for who I am, which is a very big thing.

I honestly have no problem leaving my brother for him. My brother hurt me so much. He was the one who was supposed to protect me...

But my question is that is this allowed in Islam? Can we cut off ties with our siblings if our husband tells us to? Qat'a ar Rahm (cutting off family ties) is a very big sin in Islam, as is written in Surah al Nisa and so many other places, but is it allowed if your husband wishes that?

Also... If I stop talking to my brother, my husband would find out eventually. How would he react then... I don't want him to kill my brother, or anybody! I don't want him to go to hell because of me... Because of something that happened so very long ago and doesn't even effect me anymore. I will be held accountable if he does so. I don't want to ruin his life and the life hereafter.

Please guide me. Quote an Ayat or a hadees maybe. I want to make sure that this is allowed in Islam. Cutting off relations with your siblings because your husband tells you to. He doesn't want that person (my brother) in my life.

Please help me out.

Jazakallah. 

Eve


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32 Responses »

  1. if you have forgiven your brother why you keep on remembering everything, you even told this to your future husband, mistakes happen in any age he was a child at that time too, not a mature person later your brother found out that its wrong, he became a good person by the will of Allah.
    you should not have told this , many times men mind change after marriage they become negative what if your husband start calling you a bad person and responsible for whatever happened in your past then what would you do?
    if you really love your brother then dont leave him. if you think you have forgiven him dont bring this topic to anyone. you want to make your brother feel ashamed in front of everybody to satisfy yourself. now forget it and tell him that he was not your relative, you dont remember him .
    *Honestly, this person means so much more to me than my brother. He's always been there for me. He is ready to accept me for who I am, which is a very big thing.
    I honestly have no problem leaving my brother for him. My brother hurt me so much. He was the one who was supposed to protect me.

    the person is not your husband yet so please be sure if he marry you, many weddings broke before Nikkah. that is so selfish of you. one day he may expect you to leave your parents, you will leave them too because he is more important to you.

    • Sister you have never been molested and therefore you don't understand the emotional pain. Your advice is terrible. This sister asking for advice is the victim. She has the right to divulge to whomsoever she feels safe with her horrible experience. Any educated person will understand that she is the victim and can never be held responsible for what has been done to her. and she has the right to stay away from the person that hurt her so terribly. Him being a child is no excuse and her feelings are just as important.

    • What an unsympathetic, rude piece of advice you have given to this woman, Lorelai! I wasn't going to reply at all, but your comment really made me angry!

      You obviously don't understand the gravity of molestation at all, and how the victime is usually very impacted by it! Being molested is not equivilant to accidentally smashing your mother's precious vase. This is serious stuff that you don't keep quiet about! Not only did her telling her mother prevent her brother from fondling her for more years, but she's obviously left with scars from the abuse. Scars that don't just go away by pretending like the abuse never happened.

      I find it amazing that you try to excuse her brother's behaviour by saying he was a child and immature. Really? The OP says her brother was 13 years old when he started fondling her, and continued fondling her for 6 more years - so until he was 19 years of age. Where in the world are you still an immature child at age 13-19? We are talking about a teenage boy who indeed was aware of what he was doing. And had OP not told her mother about what was going on, who's to say her brother wouldn't have continued to molest her for 2, 3, 4 or 5 more years? Wake up.

      You really are something to tell this poor woman to pretend like nothing has happened to her, and never mention to anyone about her burdens. You actually feel bad for her brother more than her, and she's the victim here. You're actually scolding her and advicing her to shut up and live in silence with her untreated scars. while you're making excuses and arguments as to why her brother, the molestor, should be left alone to live his life in bliss. And 30 people have actually agreed with your point of view?! I'm truly amazed by where Muslims place their empathy and loyalty. I'm literally disgusted. Because a predator seems to be a better person, the sympathy automatically goes to him. Wile the victim is being brushed off, and, in this case, scolded.

      To the OP, I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. I can understand why you're not eager to point out your brother as your molestor to your fiancé. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, because I won't lie, telling your fiancé that it's your brother who hurt you could have serious consequences that impact your whole family. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell him, I'm just advicing you to consider all sorts of scenarios. When it comes down to it, I think whether you tell him or not should depend on how much you trust this guy. Right now, he's imagining your molestor to be someone distant. A cousin, a 2nd cousin, or something like that. But would he be equally trustworthy and reliable if he were to find out it's actually a close family member who harmed you? That's only for you to know.

    • The only way that you could know that what you wrote is horrible is if you were molested and abused by someone--and what an awful thing to go through--what you have written is insensitive and deplorable.

  2. Sister I was sexually molested around the same age as you. I am now 39 years old and I still cant forget. My advice is that if it still haunts you then stay away from your brother. He will be constant reminder to you. Its not your fault nor your future husbands fault. It is your brothers fault. If you feel strong enough then explain to your brother that you have told your husband about the molestation and he wants you to stay away from him. If your brother has an ounce of shame in him he will stay away from you and your husband. If you cannot do that now then wait till you are married and then tell your brother. I admire your husband and the fact that he did not force you to tell him who molested you. But make it clear to him that you will never divulge this to him even after marriage because it is too hurtful and he must respect that wish of yours. You have been through a lot sister and child molestation especially by people we trust leaves deep emotional scars.

    Hope this helps sister. May Allah grant you peace and happiness.

  3. Since you already told him it's a relative, just say the relative moved to another country . You do not see him anymore.

    Never tell him in the future that it was your brother because one day he will tell someone and it will come back and hurt your brother and family that this happened to you in the past.

    You shouldn't have told this guy that you were molested because both you and brother already moved past that. As you said there was no intercourse, hope no broke hymen. So no big deal to keep it in your heart and worry about it , it happened to many girls.

    Now , just as you said don't ever talk about this topic anymore , wether to future husband or anyone. If this guy tries to ask again , just say that relative isnt around, he won't know its your brother. And just change topic as you do with your mother.

    • As you said there was no intercourse, hope no broke hymen. So no big deal to keep it in your heart and worry about it , it happened to many girls.

      Now , just as you said don't ever talk about this topic anymore , wether to future husband or anyone.

      Yeah, thank goodness her hymen is intact because that is the most important thing! I can't believe that people can actually write this stuff--and then no big deal--and why? ohh, because it happened to many girls! So if a horrible thing happend, it becomes less terrible if the statistics are high and in favor of the bad event..wow...the logic behind that is astounding.

      And finally, don't talk to anyone because the solution to sexual abuse is to never talk about it again...I guess that is because if you don't, it just goes away???

      If anyone should never talk about sexual abuse and its effects, it would be those who talk in this type of insensitive matter. And if you this sounds mean and harsh, imagine what your words sound like to a victim.

      • I agree with sister Saba .If it was possible there should have been some punishment for his brother for this unacceptable behavior . 13 might be young age but he continued till 19 years of age and that is not so young age too . Parents also needs to be careful nowadays and teach kids about these bad and good touch ...

  4. Wa 'alaikum as-salam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh Sister,

    I'm so sorry to hear about what happened between you and your brother in your childhood life. However, you shouldn't have mentioned it to anyone at this age, not even to your potential husband (even if he married you for real). Both you and your brother were children back then, and things have changed now. It was good that you complained to your mother, which led to the end of it--in fact, your brother is not to blame much for this, considering his age (13) at that time when it started, but your parents who seemed a bit careless.

    Now in addition to the fact that your brother has become a good person and is practicing the deen, you confessed that what happened does not affect you anymore. If so, then why is it important to tell your potential husband about it? To awake a sleeping-fitnah? Or to reveal a mistake of your own brother, of which Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Has concealed and guided him? It is disliked and haram in Islam to do so, and that could lead you to hell depending on the consequences of the fitnah.

    The basic ruling on severing ties, is that it is haram to do so in general, let alone with your own siblings, except where it is necessary to do so Islamically (e.g. with those whom you fear their harm on your deen and well being). Your brother is not harmful to you today, therefore severing ties with him is haram, especially when what happened doesn't affect you anymore, and plus today he is not what he was when he was a child or teenage.

    The Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:

    “Does not enter Paradise he who breaks up his family ties”.
    (Bukhari)

    “There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world, along with what He has for him in the next world, than oppression and severing family ties.”
    (Tirmidhi)

    I'm not sure if you also informed your potential husband that the relative you were referring to was a 13 years old child who is now a good practicing Muslim man--if your potential husband was aware of this and then still showed the sign of anger that is leading to severing ties with your own Muslim biological brother, then you might want to reconsider what kind of man he truly is, and whether you would really want and could trust to be married to such a man who might create fitnah out of this issue in the future, and then lead you to hell-fire, rather than Jannah.

    Please keep in mind, also, that you are not allowed in Islam to obey your husband in severing ties with your brother and any of your relatives, because obedience to a husband and parents is ONLY towards halal deeds, not towards haram deeds.

    The Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:

    “There is no obedience to any created being (not even a husband nor parents) if it involves disobedience towards the Creator.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4340; Muslim, 1840; Ahmad, 1098).

    Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

    ''...And cooperate with one another in virtuous conduct and conscience, and do not cooperate with one another in sin and hostility. And be conscious of Allah. Allah is severe in punishment.''
    (Quran 5:2)

    Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah knows best.

    • Assalam alaikum Br. Issah,

      I appreciate what you have written but it is not true that her brother is not to blame especially since he carried this on for 6 years--and neither does a brother who molests a sibling make the parents "careless" necessarily--there could be reasons for why he has done this and he needs serious counselling--but blameless he is not. I cannot begin to tell you stories of what great lengths sexual predators will go to arrange for a perfect situation in which they can abuse someone--it takes careful thought and planning.

      As for her brother now suddenly becoming a good person and practicing in deen is not something an abused sister can judge--knowing this information--would anyone trust their child around this man? If we came to know he was teaching children, would any of us feel comfortable knowing that? If he was found guilty of doing this at the age of 19, it would go on his record and he wouldn't be allowed to be in the presence of children. There have been some posts on this site from brothers who have confessed their feelings about their sister--and no one has told them that they were not at fault. There has been a man in our community recently accessing child pornography and he has not been convicted of molesting children, YET, he is not allowed in the presence of his own daughter. This is brutal truth of the world.

      As for causing fitnah--no this sister is not causing fitnah Brother. I can't even find the words to say properly how this must feel--you have written that the OP could go to hell if she disclosed this, but Brother, she could actually take her brother to court. Her brother committed a crime which is punishable by law.

      I mean no disrespect. I am simply challenged with understanding how we do not recognize how horrid this situation is and for those who have or are going through should not feel shunned if they want to bring this kind of dialogue in the open--rather than guided to stay quiet and contained.

      A few years ago I attended some seminars specifically on Islam and sexual abuse amongst siblings--in there, the Imam said that in no circumstance is the sibling obligated in this case to maintain ties. I wish I had the sources he then had--but he explained that due to him no longer acting as a Mahram, he has severed that tie. How could any sister trust a brother after this?

      As for time--just because years have gone by doesn't make this crime less punishable or suddenly right. There have been cases of abuse and murder that have been brought to courts years and years after the fact when the criminal has moved on with their life and is no longer committing crimes, yet they were still punished--so, just because nothing happened or that he has changed, doesn't change the lasting effects of this horrid abuse. It may be that hte OP has forgiven her brother, but I hope we do not send a message to the general public that:
      -sexual abuse isn't a big deal if years pass
      -or if the abuser was aged 13 to 19 (teenage years)
      -that staying silence for the victim is better because it is better for all and if you disclose this you will possibly goto hell

      So, while I understand what you have written regarding breaking ties--still, the examples that we hear about from the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) never were about brothers sexually abusing their sisters. Finally, if Hazrat Ayesha RA could be married at a very young age--or we often say that girls who begin menstruating can get married, how on earth can we say this 13 year old (when he started the abuse and carried it on to the age of 19) has no clue about what he was doing? These days 13 year olds are dating and in some countries they get married while they are still teenagers...

      I am sorry for the long post and I hope that I don't offend you--but I felt it needed to be said.

      • Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wa barakaatuh sister Saba,

        1. I'd like it to be clear that my response was based on this particular post and its content alone (i.e. what the OP wrote).

        2. I do not disagree with much of what you wrote in your first response to the OP, however, I see that there are many misinterpretations of my words in your response to me. For example I did not say that the brother is not to blame--rather I meant that the parents are to blame much for being a bit careless. When a 13 year old child commits a crime, the parents are hold responsible, not the child. Even though the bad habit continued through his teenage life, however, I'd still consider where it started from and blame whoever was responsible of taking care of him at that time--this doesn't imply that he is not to blame too, separately.

        3. I did not say that the victim is going to hell just because she disclosed the abuse, rather I meant that, if the brother has changed and she doesn't feel affected by what he did anymore, then it was better not to reveal it to anyone, particularly her fiance/husband, because that could lead to a greater fitnah (such as if her husband kills her brother) which she might be hold accountable for in front of Allah. Having said that, I did not mean that she should remain silent if she is still in pain, nor did I mean that she can't take him to court if she decided to do so--the Authorities won't handle matters like this emotionally, which could be opposed to what some husbands may do.

        4. You asked:

        ''As for her brother now suddenly becoming a good person and practicing in deen is not something an abused sister can judge--knowing this information--would anyone trust their child around this man? If we came to know he was teaching children, would any of us feel comfortable knowing that?''

        Well, the sister should be able to judge from her experience with her brother years after he stopped abusing her. Did she notice any sign of an attempt from him to repeat the abuse? If not, and she has truly witnessed the changes in him over the past 12 years, then the information about his sincere repentance is outweighing the chances of him repeating the past sin, and Islamically, he can be trusted again based on that. In Islam, he wouldn't be regarded much different than any other pious Muslim who had a past sin. However, the sister can decide to put some limitations to the interactions between her and her brother (such as dressing properly when around him, and avoiding meetings with him alone in private places), however, I wouldn't advise her to sever ties with him entirely, unless if she is still in pain and feels that the only solution is to sever ties with him.

        5. As for your comparison, between Hazrat Ayesha's age (radhiyAllahu 'anha) and this brother's age, well, we all know that there is a huge difference (in terms of mental maturity and physical growth) between the children of today and the children of those days.

        Hope this helps clarify things for you inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.

    • I don't believe he is a good person now. Just because it seems like he is practicing on the outside, doesn't mean that that reflects what's going on on the inside. He is a sick man, and if he had young daughters with his wife I shudder to think what he does to them behind closed doors. People like this don't change with time.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    First of all, I am sorry for what you have suffered through and are still suffering through. Recovering from sexual abuse is a lifelong journey in which you learn to manage the pain, but the pain never goes away. May Allah swt bring tranquility to you, Ameen.

    In terms of severing ties with a person who has sexually abused you, in this case, your brother, I do not think falls under the same as severing ties with someone that you have an argument with--sexual abuse versus disagreement are two very different things. Also, the person that is supposed to protect you has now lost that ability when he himself was the one to take away your security.

    Please read:

    http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-scholar/family/ties-of-kinship/453801-brother-abuses-his-siste.html

    The site above mentions that a girl could have normal relations with her brother if he repents and changes his way--BUT, I believe it is naive, so very very naive to think that a person who has sexually abused someone would more than likely be tempted to do it again and, unfortunately, has lost trust forever. This might sound harsh, but if anyone has had to deal with this situation, they would understand. For example, I doubt that knowing what you know, you would ever leave your daughter in the presence of your brother--regardless of how much he has transformed or appeared to have change.

    Given the above, your choice to have no contact or limited contact is understandable--and if I were you, I would undoubtedly do the same and restrict any future meetings with such a brother regardless of outside pressure such as your fiancee. In other words, whether you choose to have contact with your brother or not, is your choice--it shouldn't be an ultimatum from someone else--talk about putting salt on a wound.

    Now, your fiancee has said some things about the anger he feels towards the person that did this to you to the point he would take his life--It isn't for him to take the law into his own hands. You always have the option of forgiving and moving on OR taking this to court--but the point is, it is your choice. Your fiancee, by giving you ultimatums regarding you never meeting with that person or doing this or that is wrong--he is adding to your pain and he is being completely unreasonable. I understand why you would want to tell your future spouse, but sister, some people can't understand this. You need to get professional counselling and learn to manage this independently because depending on another person for support isn't always possible.

    I suggest you seriously reconsider marrying this person because in the face of difficulty he resorts to ultimatums and irrational comments--is this the person you want by your side in the future? He needs to be supportive by getting you to counselling and allowing you to deal with it and disclosing or not disclosing what you are comfortable with.

    I know that some people have mentioned that your brother was too young at the time--yes, he was--but he knew this was wrong and his age does not wipe the horrid memories and scars away from you. And if your brother, as an adult doesn't acknowledge or apologize for this to you--it only compounds the situation. I do suggest that those who have not been abused or have not dealt with sexual abuse to be careful in what they suggest because even the presence of that person can bring back vivid memories as though they just occured--PTSD is a symptom that can result from this and those know what this is like can relate.

    May Allah swt help you through this difficult time, Ameen.

    • May Allah protect the victim and give her justice in the end. Ameen.

      Assalamu alaikum; I think your reply was the most considerate and sensible out of all of them.
      Seriously, it is truly shocking to read some of the horrible and inhumane replies particular people have posted, being very inconsiderate and without a hint of empathy. Allah will do justice in the end.

      • I so agreed with you, Br. Ahmed. Sister Saba's reply is the most objective and considerate one. I think she addressed all the poster's concerns already. I would not trust my brother to be around or near my daughter if he had molested me or someone else before.

  6. Assalam alaikum to the Editors,

    I absolutely love the 'like' button, however, a single person can 'like' or 'dislike' a comment an unlimited number of times--which I highly suspect is happening on this very senstive post. Is there a way to limit it as per the IP address so as to not confuse or hurt the OP?

    Also, how can we continue to get notifications regarding new posts or new comments?

  7. You shouldn't cut off your brother for your husband, you should do it for yourself. You say that you've gotten over the abuse you suffered at his hands but clearly that isn't true from the rest of your post. The fact is, and I'm sorry to say it, but your brother is a sick man who will never change without outside intervention. Some people here have said that since he stopped abusing you, that indicates that he has sincerely changed. This is not true. People like him who abuse children in the manner often are interested in the kids when they are in a certain developmental state; once they grow out of it and begin to appear more and more like an adult, the abuser loses their sick interest in the child. They are still a menace to any child they interact with. You should cut your brother off so that you don't have to relive the trauma of the abuse, and also to protect your future children from this terrible person who could just as easily abuse them as he did you. Furthermore, if your brother has daughters or access to young children through other family or friends, I strongly urge you to consider warning those parents that he is a predator. You could be saving a young child from a terrible fate.

    • NE: Furthermore, if your brother has daughters or access to young children through other family or friends, I strongly urge you to consider warning those parents that he is a predator. You could be saving a young child from a terrible fate.

      Well this sex thing happened when this boy was 13 yr old. Now this guy is married and can have sex with his wife any time or find a g/f. He may not be a child predator.

      • Actually the abuse (please don't call it sex thing) occurred from when the boy was 13 to when he was 19 year old man.

        As for him being married and that preventing him--obviously you have never heard of fathers abusing their daughters--and usually that isn't when they started abusing people in the first place.

      • He is a child predator, and we know this because he has previously abused one child, if not more (does this girl have female cousins? They could have been victims too). As Saba said, there are plenty of cases where grown married men abuse the young children, boys and girls, in their care. People like this dont suddenly stop, their sickness stays with them and ruins the lives of anyone they come near. This girl has been through more than enough and should stay as far away from him as possible.

        • I agree NE.

          Unforunately, this is something a lot of people do not understand. People think that if they see someone praying 5 times a day that they are not child molesters. Abusive people do not wear labels and nor do they look "scary." Some of them are our friends, our family, our neighbors, educated, uneducated, religious, not religious--and that is what makes this conversation sometimes a bit ridiculous because we think we can see a person and tell if they are child predators. The reason the brother stopped abusing his sister is because the mother became involved and his sister became aware. He overcompensated for his abuse by being extra nice to his sister, and I do doubt his sincerity because he could very well be protecting his image and hoping that she doesn't remember the past. One trait of abusers is that they can be awfully charming--which isn't great because this quality is also for non abusive people making it even more difficult to recognize people.

          Recently there have been two-high profile Imams in North America charged with sexual abuse involving children--so I hope that people stop thinking that a relgious person can't do these horrid things. These people are highly respected in their communities. To burden the OP with expecting her to judge if her brother is better now is rather impractical....

          What is even frightening is that rather than recognizing that the brother had an unnatural attraction towards his sister, even at 19!, we reason it away with well he started at 13 as if all 13 year boys are attracted to their sister. The boy needed help when he was 13 and there is a good chance he still needs professional help. And now, the OP is still in need of help--sometimes she writes she is fine, other times she writes she still hurts--and the truth is, she is doing everything to keep her family from hurting. She doesn't want to hurt her mother or her father because her brother is the golden child on him. This is a humungous burden upon on her.for someone who has already had to have a lot of courage...

          • AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister Saba,

            You say the brother needs professional help, but does anyone of us really know what he went through personally to overcome it?

            There have been brothers like him coming here on this site at young ages, seeking for help and guidance--such brothers, we trust that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala takes care of them, guides them till they find help and guidance bi-ithnillah.

            We should avoid suspecting people's sincere tawbah without proof--that is against the practice of the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam).

            If the information about the brother's sincere tawbah is not enough for us, then let's leave his matter and the unknown to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Alone to judge.

          • Wa alaikum Assalam Br. Issah,

            I am sorry that I differ with you on this matter as it hits too close to home but if a person has had a sibling sexually assault them or abuse them--that means touches them, takes their clothes off--and I am talking about a sibling--in this case an older brother--no one can know what that feels like and if a person has not dealt with this and seen the effects--which I have--my stance on trusting people of this nature would not change.

            You have written that we don't know that the brother has changed for the better--and that is really it--we don't know--so telling someone to trust that person again isn't wise. For example, would it be wise to tell this sister or other sisters who have been abused by their brother to be in their presense alone again? I would not feel comfortable or recommend this.

            You have mentioned that suspicion is not Islamic and I agree with you. Here though we are talking about someone who has sexually abused for 6 years continuously. Sexual predators are very smart in how they work and part of their success lies in people trusting them--are there such examples from the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) that we can give here about sibling sexual abuse? I do not have that information--perhaps you may.

            As for leaving this matter, this is the problem within our community that most of the time we want to sweep sexual abuse under the carpet--and the victims never ever stop hurting or suffering. They suffer from the memories and they suffer when they put up the front that their family is perfect.

            Also, Brother, you had asked above:

            Now in addition to the fact that your brother has become a good person and is practicing the deen, you confessed that what happened does not affect you anymore. If so, then why is it important to tell your potential husband about it? To awake a sleeping-fitnah? Or to reveal a mistake of your own brother, of which Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Has concealed and guided him? It is disliked and haram in Islam to do so, and that could lead you to hell depending on the consequences of the fitnah

            Even though the OP has written:

            I had this thing engraved inside my head ever since I was a little girl that I would never tell anybody about what had happened to me in the past, EXCEPT that one person who I was gonna marry, because that person should know who I am. Utterly and completely.

            and she also writes that

            It's been almost 3 years since my brother moved out of the country with his wife. I don't talk to him much because I still remember everything that happened. And he thinks that I don't because I was so young back then, and I never even showed it over the years. Just because I forgave him and I was okay with him all those years doesn't mean that I forgot, and that it still doesn't hurt sometimes.

            So, if we shouldn't doubt what she has written, we must recognize that she made it clear that she didn't want to tell her future husband to wake a sleeping fitnah, but rather so he could understand her and even though she has forgiven him, she still hurts sometimes. It is probably easier for her to deal with her brother because he no longer lives close.

            Finally, my advice is given also based on the future--I do not feel comfortable telling her to forget everything, even if she has forgiven--she should be careful about having her children around her brother--some may call it suspicion, but I call it be careful based on history. Of course, Allah swt knows best, but we must base our actions on what we know is best (which is limited) but in this case, 6 years of abuse is significant. Finally, if there is information that is missing like the brother getting professional help--then I would urge the OP to ask her brother regarding that IF she plans on having more interactions with her brother in the future.

            Though some may disagree, and that is ok--my advice is based on dealing with people who have suffered from sibling sexual abuse.

            May Allah swt help us to overcome these evils that hide in our homes, Ameen.

          • AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister Saba,

            We don't need to have examples from the time of the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) about sibling sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse is a sin, and we already have guidance in Islam regarding sins, just as we also have guidance in Islam regarding sincere tawbah. What is required of a sinner is to stop the sin and turn to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wholeheartedly. Whenever he repented and started practicing the deen, we judge him by his current status, not by his past--and it doesn't matter how many years he spent in the sin.

            Sister, there is nothing wrong with disagreeing with me, and I do not find it offensive at all. At the end, we seem to at least agree on 4 common conclusions, that:

            1. The sister could find out about the authenticity of her brother's change and tawbah without involving her husband.

            2. The sister could decide to put limitations to the interactions between her and her brother (without severing ties with him entirely--according to me).

            3. Severing ties with her brother or taking him to court should be by her own decision, when necessary, and that it would be wrong for anyone else to manipulate her to believe that she needs to or compel her to do so.

            4. The sister should reconsider whether the man she is planning to marry is the right choice for her--this is due to the things he mentioned about killing the relative who abused her, and that is not allowed in Islam.

            May Allah sbuhanahu wa ta'ala increase the OP in peacefulness, and replace the evil experience she encountered from her brother with good memories and tranquility. As we ask Him subhanahu wa ta'ala to make her brother's taubah a sincere taubah, and unite all Muslim families and relatives, and the entire Ummah altogether on His Tawheed and Guidance. Ameen.

          • Wa alaikum Assalam Br. Issah,

            Jazak Allah for your response.

            I do not disagree with your first paragraph, except to clarify where you have said: "Whenever he repented and started practicing the deen, we judge him by his current status, not by his past--and it doesn't matter how many years he spent in the sin."

            When it comes to someone who has sexually abused a sibling, we have to be very careful and cautious about telling someone what "judge" means. A person who has been abused by a sibling can forgive them BUT that doesn't mean they don't judge them--because in this case the trust may never be fully recovered and nor is trust incumbent just because forgiveness has taken place. A person can use their judgement in being cautious in their dealings with them as they will continue to see them at family gatherings. A person could be cautious about letting that person near their children because such a person would not necessarily be open to disclosing if they are inclined to such activities again. So--again, having dealt with this quite a bit, I reiterate that point and hope that we can separate "forgiveness" and "judging." as two separate issues. Sometimes sexually abused people do forgive their their abusers when siblings--but forgiveness need not go hand in hand with never being judged again.

            As for your points:
            1. The sister should only find out about her brother if she is able to--otherwise I do not suggest that it is her responsibility. Most likely she is doing better because her brother is far away.

            3. The only thing I will add to this is that we also should not make an abused person feel that they are sinning if they DO want to sever ties for their safety and/or the suffering after the abuse OR take an abuser to court if they are within their rights.

            Finally, I do suggest to the OP to see a female Muslim counsellor regarding the abuse even if it is just a few sessions especially before marriage. I suggest this because the trauma of sexual abuse in childhood has many many effects and can significantly impact intimacy which of course a person would not know until they are married.

            Jazak Allah again and Ameen to your Du'a.

        • The difference, Issah, is that those boys are seeking help, showing that they no what they're doing is wrong and they want to stop. There is nothing in this post to suggest that either a) the brother has sought help to stop the abuse or b) that he did in fact make a sincere tawbah. All we know is that he stopped abusing his sister after his mother intervened. It is possible that he is sincere and I hope that's true, but it is absolutely not the responsibility of his sister, who has already been through so much, to test out this hypothesis. Finally, and this is something everyone here needs to understand very well, sexual abusers DO NOT CHANGE without professional help. This was not some sort of teenage phase this man went through. He targeted and molested his six year old sister for years, abusing his relationship with her and the authority he had within that relationship and using her innocence and fear against her. This is not the kind of behavior that just goes away, as is evidenced by the fact that it continued well into his adulthood. He needs psychiatric intervention; without it he will ALWAYS be a menace to any child he comes into contact with. That is a fact. It would do a lot of people on this platform good to read about child predators and the menace they pose to our children.

          • AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister NE,

            Firstly:

            1. We only head the side story by the sister, and she testified that her brother changed, got closer to Allah, and became a good person in general. Now the brother is not here to tell us how he overcame that bad habit, however, we have heard an information about his sincere repentance, and this is what we take and pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala makes it so. We shouldn't assume the worst of people unless by clear proofs, or at least acceptable signs?!

            2. As for the fact that, he only stopped after the parents became aware of it, well, that doesn't mean anything much, because some people stop sinning right after their sins become noticeable by others--and they take that chance to change.

            3. Saying that sexual abusers do not change without professional help is not entirely true, because research reveals that there are some category of teenage sexual abusers, such as those sexually curious or experimenting, who change as they get older, and they stop abusing children.

            Secondly:

            1. What did the mother do about the issue when the sister complained to her? Do you think any mother would just keep silent without seeking any professional help for her Son? If she did assist him in this regard, then perhaps that side was hidden from the sister. If not, then this is where I don't understand why some parents could be so careless about serious issues like this--just a slight mistake by a parent could destroy a child, that's why they need much blame. For example, almost all the boys who came here for help admitted that their parents allowed them to sleep in the same room with their sister--this is wrong in Islam if the children reach puberty.

            2. The sister could approach her mother to find out about how her brother suddenly changed, and if possibly the mother could also approach him directly, and have a Mother-Son honest discussion, to find out whether he still needs help or not--if the sister has forgiven him and wishes good for him, then handling the matter this way (without involving her husband) should be the best ways inshaAllah.

            Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.

        • It does not help Issah, because ultimately you believe that this girl, the victim, should shoulder the burden of reliving her abuse through interaction with her brother, and that she should risk future harm to her or her children from this person despite everything she's been through, for no reason other than a misguided belief that family ties trump everything. Your statement that research shows that some people can stop abusing children without intervention is false and bizarre. I refuse to engage in this conversation with you further as there is nothing left to be said. I will say that you should really examine why you have so much empathy for a known child abuser but have no problem pushing his victim towards her abuser.

  8. salam
    I totally disagree with Ne.
    Remember sister,
    past is just like a thought and thought have no power or meanings.but it upto you that to which thought you give importance and power.
    sister life is too short.
    sister remember a person is not defined by his past its always present that determines you.
    and sister we are humans and human makes mistakes.
    what was happened you cannot change that and you cannot forget, erase that bad memories but you can neutralize that bad memories with that good memories that you had with your brother. as you wrote in your post that your brother became very supportive to you.
    sister he will also ashamed of what happened but he never told you because of gender difference or perhaps he may not have courage to talk to you about that.
    sister if your family come to know about this it will not only hurt your family but also your brother, his marriage life may be disturb badly, he will lose his respect or even every thing.
    every thing will ruin.
    I think you should have to courage to talk to your brother at phone and you should tell him that your past is hurting you and you will come to know that he will also be ashamed and he will Sorry you.once the matter will solve you will feel free and then you should let go the past and start a new life with your brother and I know it will be very difficult to take to your brother about sex and sexuality but you both are adult and know that what is sex and what was happened between you both. sister you have to get courage to talk to your brother at start it will be difficult but you will see that after that all matter will resolve itself.
    May ALLAH help you.

    your brother shayan.

  9. OP: The thing is that I met a guy almost a year back. We became very good friends. He is a very intelligent, honest, kind and a loyal person. He's also very religious. We both started developing feelings for each other over the year. He confessed his feelings for me some time ago, and I did the same. We didn't want one of those typical western relationships which has become a trend recently (Nauzubillah), we wanted to get married. So we were considering each other for that.

    Very religious guy is talking too a girl he is not married to. You are 23, how old is he.

  10. you obviously haven't forgiven your brother and you only tried to forget but its too painful

    what's past in the past and you still haven't let go of your past.

    he is beocming your husband but your brother will still be your brother and you can't let go your own siblings

    what if your husband didn't love you later and who will you turn to? your own family, family is very important, its a blood relation something which can't be let go

    you know your husband for how much period? you said your brother has changed, so why haven't you let go this?

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