Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trying to avoid sinning – should I stop talking to my fiance?

Online chat cartoon - birds on a wireAssalamu Alaikum,

A bit about me: Female, 21 yrs old, entering 3rd year of degree. I have been engaged to my fiance for over a year. My parents and his parents set up the proposal, we are quite happy.

He lives abroad with his family, I am busy at university, so we contact each other once a week, I talk to his parents and he talks to mine and usually his parents are present when we talk via the internet, often through webcam but in the living room, in front of parents etc.

We are having our nikah in five to six months time insha'Allah - I wanted to speed this up but I was unsuccessful. I feel on to know.

Lately though, I have been having doubts about the contact we have - we are never inappropriate and he is abroad so there are no real opportunities to sin. Actually, having known him for so long, he's never said anything inappropriate and I believe that after that long knowing someone, they usually slip up eventually. We do not go out on dates, being in different countries entirely.

But I am trying to become a better Muslim. I listen to a lot of khutbahs, I pray, I feel that I really shouldn't be talking to non-mahrams anymore. It's hard because I'm so used to talking with them at university, being on friendly terms with my class fellows, but I've come to realise exactly how important the concept of haya in Islam actually is. I don't want to end up sinning, I would never be able to forgive myself, and although the mercy of Allah swt is great, I don't want something as heavy as fornication to be on my scale, it is probably heavy enough as it is.

My fiance will not be visiting with his family at any time soon, but I read all these horror stories on this website of people whose chatting turned into zina, into fornication, and the Qur'anic ayah, do not even go near zina, scares me, we are all human after all.

So my questions are these:

How do I now cut the contact I have with my fiance? I love him, I don't want him to think I no longer have any interest in him, but I don't want to be sinning either. We talk once a week but it is regularly. How do I go about this in a tactful manner? I need detailed advice on this, I do not want to be in a place where shaitan is the third person.

I can't really just say to him, "I no longer want to speak to you due to having changed my opinion about our chatting,"  simply because I'm afraid of what the response would be and I really care about my parents so I can't really allow anything to happen to this engagement. Aside from that, I think I have found the right person anyway insha'Allah. I need some real advice which I can apply to my situation - there has to be a way to tactfully no longer need to speak with him.

How do I exhibit more haya in my day-to-day life? My clothing is appropriate, but it's always the inside that counts. Often I listen to khutbahs, get reminded of the importance of these concepts - but then, I go to university, and I forget, we as humans are forgetful, and then I talk with the opposite sex... then come home and regret it. How do I gain more taqwa and be constantly reminded of the need for haya?

Thanks 🙂 And please make dua for me that my nikah happens quickly so I can avoid sins, and yaa rabb give me hidayat. Ameen

- MuslimahInTraining

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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I commend you for your desire to improve your character and your vigilance in putting your nafs under such scrutiny. I believe if more people were to do the same, the ummah at large would be in a much better place. The desire to be a better Muslimah is noble, and I believe that you are already doing so much toward that end.

    Sister, I just want to clarify that talking to men in itself is not what's haraam. It's the intention with which we do so. It is understood that their will be occassions where we sisters will talk with men- at work or school, or getting in a taxi, because it's necessary. We should understand that talking to men out of necessity is not haraam. Likewise, I don't believe returning a greeting or having a brief and public conversation with a classmate is sinful, because as Muslims we are told to show kindness to our neighbors and others. Those around us who are not Muslim and don't understand the adab we follow will speak with us as freely as they would anyone else, and it would be rude not to show them some congeniality. So if another male classmate has a brief conversation with you about how hard a test was, and you make a few friendly remarks and go on your way, there's nothing wrong with that.

    Contrast that with someone who is craving male attention and tries to find any way to engage them in conversation just to satisfy their nafsani desires. Those who are trying to mix with men because of their lower desires will not be satisfied with just talking, and will continue to escalate it until things like zina happen. That's a totally different orientation and intention from a sister who is trying her best to be pious and does everything she can to be proper, but is stuck in a world (as we all are) where some interactions are unavoidable. Judging from your post, I think I would say that you are at less risk of falling into those temptations than other sisters who are going out of their way to have secret and sinful interactions.

    So in light of this, I can fairly say that the interactions you are having with your fiance are right in line with what Islam would espouse. There is such a thing as Islamic courtship, where the couple get to know each other under proper chaperoning. This is exactly what you all are already doing when you have video chats with family members supervising. Shaytan is only the third party when a couple is ALONE, so if you have family there THEY are the third party and shaytan is not. As you have said, nothing inappropriate has been done or said between you two, and likely would not if the supervision continues until your nikkah in a few months, so I would continue to do as you are already doing. Trying to stop contact altogether when there has been no problem will likely be taken the wrong way and could cause significant problems that aren't always so easy to resolve, once feelings are hurt. Remember, as Muslims, we are forbidden from hurting each other's hearts.

    If you are already doing everything outwardly that you possibly can to have haya, all any of us can do is continue to improve our character and taqwa. We will all make mistakes from time to time, but the mistake of a heedless person versus the mistake of a mindful person is worlds apart. When any of us make a mistake we should turn again to Allah and ask for forgiveness, and try our best going forward to improve our weaknesses.

    Since I don't know what exactly you are learning in the khutbats you are listening to, this is the best general advice I can give. Remember in Islam that the key to everything is balance, so your concern for sinfulness and guarding your character should be balanced by the faith you have in Allah's mercy and love for all of His creation- from those who are very pious to those who are struggling very much.

    -Amy Editor

  2. I agree with Amy. There is nothing improper about your contact with your fiance, and no reason to worry that it will lead to zinaa. Your calls with him are monitored by the parents. It could not be more innocent.

    What you need to worry about are your interactions with boys at your school. That's where you need to be careful, and only interact with them to the degree required by your classes.

    Think about setting a near date for your wedding. There's no need to delay it for years and years. You and your fiance can both still go to school with your parents support, but you will be married, and can enjoy being close to him and protecting yourself from sin as well.

    Wael Editor

    • AOA

      I've had a good think about this, and I've decided to quit with the webcam I don't see it as particularly right anymore as by looking at each other our feelings may not remain too halal anymore, but I will carry on talking but just ensure my mum is always around as then it'll be ok. Thank you for the advice, I've been worrying sick over these things, I will also try to have the marriage or nikah sooner rather than later

      Thanks again

      • بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

        السلام عليكم

        I would like to congradulate you for your adherence to Islam. Being concern with these issues is a great indication of a high level of taqwa and iman. I pray that Allah, 'Azza wa jal, brings barakah in your life.
        Regarding the webcam, if it is being used in a proper manner there is nothing wrong with this.

        From al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah: “I proposed marriage to a woman, and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.’” According to another report: “So he did that, and he married her and mentioned that they got along.” (Reported by al-Daaraqutni, Ibn Maajah)

        If looking at him will not increase your love for him, it does not necessarily be the same for him. Looking at you might increase his love for you.
        The decision is upto you both.

        I ask Allah to make easy for you your nikah and may He (SWT) make it a blessing for you.

        السلام عليكم

  3. Assalamalaikum musliman training 1st you need to be firm on this belief to be a muslim[submitter]

    (Again, I deleted your response. You are pasting the same generic information into every post, whether or not it is related to the question. What is the benefit of that? - Wael, Editor)

  4. Dear madam
    You are not understanding these youngsters who are writing in your forum are all VERY kutche in life and they dont know real ethics of islam and hijab-
    so iam trying to give them the basic training which they are asking for pl note-

    But I am trying to become a better Muslim. I listen to a lot of khutbahs,
    "I had a slave-girl who used to herd sheep for me. One day I discovered that a wolf had killed one of her sheep, and I'm a man from the children of Adam, I get upset like they get upset, and I slapped her in the face. Then I went to the Prophet who impressed upon me the seriousness of my act. I said, 'OMessenger of Allah, should I not set her free?' He said, 'Bring her to me.' He asked her, 'Where is Allah', She said, 'He is above the heavens.' He said, 'Who am I?' She said, 'You are the Messenger of Allah.' He said, 'let her go her, for she is a believer.' (Muslim and Abu Dawud

    I pray, I feel that I really shouldn't be talking to non-mahrams anymore. It's hard because I'm so used to talking with them at university, being on friendly terms with my class fellows, but I've come to realise exactly how important the concept of haya in Islam actually is. I don't want to end up sinning, I would never be able to forgive myself, and although the mercy of Allah swt is great, I don't want something as heavy as fornication to be on my scale, it is probably heavy enough as it is.

    and this is the best BOOK WHIOCH WILL SHOW HER THE RIGHT PATH-

    Shoe me what is rong in my answers again i repeat others reply on whereabouts and i feed the original
    shortage in their lives.

    Thats all.

    • Salaams,

      Please forgive me, I'm not sure what "kutche" means, but I would guess its something along the lines of "immature". You are right, there are a lot of young and naive muslims who write into this site, whose problems are caused by ignorance about basic fiqh or adab. Wanting to educate them so that they can grow and make the best decisions is actually very noble. However, indiscriminately posting information over and over is not the most effective way of doing it.

      Based on my experience of reading and answering posts on this site, I would say that this particular poster doesn't fit that same profile of someone who is ignorant and careless about this deen. Already she is conducting herself in a way that we have had to tell many sisters to start doing. So in my view, you may have misjudged her true needs and are giving information that is not going to help her. She already is a believer, and from the sounds of it, one with already a lot of iman and devotion. So telling her what "makes a believer" makes no sense in her case. Also, she clearly mentioned that she already dresses appropriately, so purdah advice doesn't make sense either.

      Those who write in to this site usually have a lot more problems than just the one they are writing in about. Sometimes we can detect them, sometimes we can't. For the mos part, we have found that the best and most helpful approach is to take their problem at face value and not try to assume more than what's there. If there are other issues of concern that may feed into the distinct problem they posted about, we might suggest looking at those areas more deeply. So jumping to a bottom line conclusion about everyone's root problem (not to mention treating everyone within a certain age bracket as though it applies to them) and answering that while neglecting the questions they actually asked, doesn't really offer the best benefit.

      -Amy Editor

  5. Dear -Amy Editor.

    I am grateful toy you you have printed the matter on my request[i dont know this forum where it is based
    i sued the word kutche thinking it is indian or pak based.

    Actually i give some good website so that the greatest of the books must be read by these youngsters which may help them understand the the subject very well and make tha may make many changes in their life-

    Purda and the status of woman in islam book i buy and keep in my car from 25 years distributed many books to known people here i have see many who have changed and become so good,and a trend started in our country India [all saudi working boys] choose only jijab girls due to their transformation after reading the book they got married and and settled in life and they are very happy mashAllah..
    the same i think will happen with these disturbed girls who write in this forum.if they read and allah guides them.

    Hope my point is understood by you let others give their advice i want to give the islamic perspective pdf's so that along peoples opinion Islamic matter be as a guIding star for them in THE SITUATION THEY MIGHT BE SPIRITUAL VERSES AND HADEESES WORK AND BALM FOR THE HURT THEY HAVE FROM SO MANY HUSBANDS/MOTHER IN LAWS-FATHER IN LAWS BROTHER IN LAWS ETC ETC.

    "Therefore remember Me and I will remember you…" (Qur'an 2:152)
    These are qualities that bring peace to those who love Allah, a sort of peace that has no comparison in this world.It is important that a special relationship exists in the heart between the slave and his Lord, a relationship that allows the slave to feel so close to his Lord that he requires no other.

    Thus, he finds company when he is alone, and he tastes the sweetness of remembering Him and supplicating to Him. Allah's slave will continually face hardship and difficulty until he dies, but if he has a special relationship with his Lord, all of the hardships of life will become easy for him.

    Hope i am not wrong if nay thing is there you can freely correct me i will be grateful.


  6. Same c0ndition is wid me

  7. if your emaan is so strong why would u even be worried about zina , so theres something more to this story and one should not blame shaytan for everything when god has given u will power

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