Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell her parents that we had oral sex?

Please read from start to end and then give me suggestions and answer my questions.

I am in a 7 years relationship with a girl without marriage. We both loved each other too much. We both wanted to marry but that time my parents wanted me to complete my Bachelors. This was not my fault because of my parents wish, I was not able to marry her that time but I wanted to marry her. You guys know about the thinking of today's parents. They wants their children to studying without thinking their desires.

In 7th year of our relation, we did something wrong with each other (kissing, hugging, touching, saw each other naked and oral sex but not did Zinha). I was afraid of Zinha because of kabira sin but my other desires was growing. That's why I did all other thing except Zinha.

May be I want to do all this after marriage but because of my family wishes and other problem I did this before marriage because that time I was totally confirmed about marrying to her in future, even we both talked to our parents that we love each other.

But then because of some idiotic problems she left me and now she has said I hate you without any reason, even she left me without any reason. But I love her too much. I tried to convince her for 30 days but she is not listening.

My thinking about her and about me is this: We both did oral sex etc and now if we will leave each other this will be dishonesty to our future wife and husband. I mean if she left me and then marry someone else definitely she will not tell him that she did this with someone else before. And without telling this, it will be wrong and dishonesty to future husband and wife. Even if I will marry someone else I will not tell her about my past. Because of course if we will tell them they will not marry us. No one want to marry that person who already did these things.

And other matter is that in Islam a muslim person will get the same person as a life partner I mean if I did wrong then Allah may give me a life partner who may be also done wrong things with someone else. Good for good and bad for bad. I loved her too much that's why I don't want her to lose her respect. She already did too much with me that's why I don't want to let her go and marry the person who has done all this with someone else. She did everything with me and she must get in return the person who did wrong things with someone else. I don't want her to do dishonesty with someone else. And now I want to marry her if she will accept me I will marry her as soon as possible.

Please tell me how to convince her. I don't want her to lose her own respect and not to marry with someone else and I want to prevent her from dishonesty. And my point of view is that it is wrong to marry someone else after doing that much with someone else it will be dishonesty or may be it is sin, that she will not marry to me after all this, and because marrying to someone else with dishonestly without telling him reality. Now I am ready to marry her. I really care about her. I want to prevent her from committing sin again. And I also don't want to commit sin by marrying someone else without telling that person my reality and marry her with dishonestly.

One more thing she also promised me so many times that she will marry me and she also asked me to promise her that I will marry her and yes I promised her so many times I will marry you what ever happened I will definitely marry you. Now please tell me is she right? She promised so many times and asked me to promise, after so many promises and after oral sex, kisses, hugging, seeing each other naked, and future dishonesties, because of all this and left me by hurting me too much and leaving me alone after all this she is doing right thing?

Please tell me I want to show her your suggestions to convince her for marriage because I can't live without her. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. And I know that if she will accept me, she can easily convince her parents for me. But right now she is in a wrong way. And I don't want her to committing more sins.

I want to tell her parents that she did oral sex etc with me because I don't want to commit sin by marrying someone else dishonestly. But she is saying that I am trying to threaten her but I am not threatening her - I cared so much about her and myself. And her friends are teaching her wrong things because they already did sex and oral sex with so many guys and now they teaching her wrong things by telling her against me. And they are saying her that I am trying to threaten her. Because of this I am not telling her parents because I don't want her to think wrong about me.

Questions:
1. Is not telling the truth to future husband or wife that we already did oral sex etc is right or wrong or dishonesty or a sin?
2. After oral sex etc is she doing wrong by leaving me?
3. Because of leaving me she will hurt me too much is it right or wrong even now I am ready to marry?
4. Will she get the person like her I mean after oral sex etc if she marry other person, will Allah give her the same person by nature who already did oral sex etc with someone else or did any other big sins?
5. Breaking the promise is right or wrong? Or Allah will forgive her because of breaking her promises and because of her, my promises will also break which I don't want to break because I want to marry her and she is wrong because she left me?
6. Do I have a right to tell her parents about oral sex etc? Because I have a right to stay myself away from committing sins by marrying someone else and breaking my promises and make some other girl fool without telling my past and dishonestly marrying her and if I will get marry someone and will not give her love that much, it will also be wrong after marrying someone else and still thinking about ex and loving your wife.

hahmed

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22 Responses »

  1. First of all, just to make things clear: oral sex IS zina. You HAVE committed zina, brother. Zina isn't just sexual intercourse, it's everything in between, too. Kissing, touching, seeing each other naked and for sure oral sex. You know it's wrong to do these things before marriage, so obviously they are sins, even if you choose to label them something else than zina.

    1. Is not telling the truth to future husband or wife that we already did oral sex etc is right or wrong or dishonesty or a sin?
    In Islam we are supposed to hide our sins, not advertise them to everyone. But if someone you want to marry directly asks you if you have had relations before marriage, then it would also be haram to lie in order to hide your sin. My suggestion would be that you from now on always indirectly ask a person what their opinion is of marrying someone with a sexual past is. If she says it's a big deal to her, and she can't accept it, then you know that and you can leave her alone and spare her from future misery (and potentially divorce). If she says she doesn't care, then you can pursue marriage with her.

    2. After oral sex etc is she doing wrong by leaving me?
    Your relationship was haram - she did the right thing to leave you, because the only relation you two should be having is marriage. If she is not interested in that, and her father isn't willing to give her to you, then she did RIGHT by leaving you. It's for the best anyway, because this means you know your stanze and you can move on with your life instead of wasting 7 more years on this girl.

    3. Because of leaving me she will hurt me too much is it right or wrong even now I am ready to marry?
    She did the right thing to leave a haram relationship. There's never a painless way to leave a relationship - haram or halal - it's just part of life, and you hopefully learn from the experience.

    4. Will she get the person like her I mean after oral sex etc if she marry other person, will Allah give her the same person by nature who already did oral sex etc with someone else or did any other big sins?
    No, not necessarily. As unfair as that sounds. Because it's my opinion, too, that a chaste belongs with a chaste, and someone who is not belongs to someone who is also not chaste. But hay ho, I guess that's just life: unfair and unjust.

    5. Breaking the promise is right or wrong? Or Allah will forgive her because of breaking her promises and because of her, my promises will also break which I don't want to break because I want to marry her and she is wrong because she left me?
    She's not wrong for leaving you, or breaking a promise that was made in the haram. She was never your wife, so she doesn't owe you anything. As mentioned, she did the right thing to realize there's no point in continueing doing zina with you.

    6. Do I have a right to tell her parents about oral sex etc? Because I have a right to stay myself away from committing sins by marrying someone else and breaking my promises and make some other girl fool without telling my past and dishonestly marrying her and if I will get marry someone and will not give her love that much, it will also be wrong after marrying someone else and still thinking about ex and loving your wife.
    No, you don't have a right to tell her parents anything. As mentioned, sins are supposed to be hidden away, not revealed for everyone to know about. You could get her AND yourself in to real trouble by telling her parents what she has done with you. You think her family are going to react well to being told their daughter has had oral sex with a man outside of marriage?

    • She did right by leaving a haram relationship but what about the broken heart? Was that his mistake?

      • The broken heart is his AND her mistake. The broken heart is a direct consequence of the mistake they BOTH made: to CHOOSE to have a 7 year relationship OUTSIDE of marriage - which Allah has clearly prohibited and warned us against. So if people ignore this and do what they desire anyway, then they should also expect to deal with the aftermath of their sins: broken hearts

  2. As hard as it is to accept, you have to move on, repent, ask allah for forgiveness as the actions you commited with her do come under zina and forgot about her. If she has made her decision you cannot force her to be with you becuase of the sins you both commited. Marriage should be based on trust respect and loyalty not becuase you feel guilty you had physical relations. Your relationship was haraam, and she may have come to realise this and repented for her sins. She was not wrong to leave you rather she did right to walk away from sin. She is not obligated to marry you becuase of the relationship you had nor do you have to disclose your past sins.

  3. I agree with all the points. Roached in the response. Apart from tje last point . Sins should only be exposed whne it will do good to the person. Actually these sins are punishable and require 80 flogs . And to whomsoever that girl will marry the truth will come out . There is a fare chance that this biy and girl wil committ these things again if not married so its better to inform esch other family and get punished.

    • People are only sentenced to flogging in a true Islamic state if they are caught in action, doing zina, by 4 reliable male witnesses. Otherwise, there's no punishment and people are obliged to hide their sin, repent for it and get closer to God. Chances are, if someone continues to do a sin they will eventually get caught and suffer the consequences. Whether good or bad.

      • But of course there is no true Islamic state so you could be right that in some places the mere accusation that someone is committing zina is enough to be prosecuted. So yeah, this brother needs to be in control of his emotions and not do anything to get himself and the girl in to more trouble than they are already in.

      • Correct me if I am wrong, but the gender of the witnesses is not mentioned:

        Al-Quran [24:4]
        And those who accuse chaste women and then do not produce four witnesses - lash them with eighty lashes and do not accept from them testimony ever after. And those are the defiantly disobedient,

        What is mentioned is 4 witnesses and that is it.

    • Nabeel: Actually these sins are punishable and require 80 flogs.

      I'm sorry, but the Islamic punishment for fornication is 100 lashes, not 80.

      Surah An-Noor, Verse 2:
      الزَّانِيَةُ وَالزَّانِي فَاجْلِدُوا كُلَّ وَاحِدٍ مِّنْهُمَا مِائَةَ جَلْدَةٍ وَلَا تَأْخُذْكُم بِهِمَا رَأْفَةٌ فِي دِينِ اللَّهِ إِن كُنتُمْ تُؤْمِنُونَ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ وَلْيَشْهَدْ عَذَابَهُمَا طَائِفَةٌ مِّنَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

      (As for) the fornicatress and the fornicator, flog each of them, (giving) a hundred stripes, and let not pity for them detain you in the matter of obedience to Allah, if you believe in Allah and the last day, and let a party of believers witness their chastisement.
      (English - Shakir)

      However 80 lashes is the punishment for accusing people of fornication without presenting witnesses or evidence.

      Surah An-Noor, Verse 4:
      وَالَّذِينَ يَرْمُونَ الْمُحْصَنَاتِ ثُمَّ لَمْ يَأْتُوا بِأَرْبَعَةِ شُهَدَاءَ فَاجْلِدُوهُمْ ثَمَانِينَ جَلْدَةً وَلَا تَقْبَلُوا لَهُمْ شَهَادَةً أَبَدًا وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْفَاسِقُونَ

      And those who accuse free women then do not bring four witnesses, flog them, (giving) eighty stripes, and do not admit any evidence from them ever; and these it is that are the transgressors,
      (English - Shakir)

  4. Sala brother. She does not want to marry you. Leave her alone and stop trying to black mail her. You have both done wrong inn committing zina. Whether she tells her future partner or not - it is her business. Move on and ask your parents to find you a suitable partner. Jzk. Ws

  5. OP: I am in a 7 years relationship with a girl without marriage......... This was not my fault because of my parents wish, I was not able to marry her that time but I wanted to marry her. You guys know about the thinking of today's parents. They wants their children to studying without thinking their desires......In 7th year of our relation, we did something wrong with each other (kissing, hugging, touching, saw each other naked and oral sex but not did Zinha). I was afraid of Zinha because of kabira sin but my other desires was growing. That's why I did all other thing except Zinha.

    Looks like that girl used you for sex. You protected yourself for 6 years but in 7th year you both could not control and did touching, kissing, hugging, saw each other naked and did oral sex. But then because of some idiotic problems she left you and now she has said "I hate you without any reason", even she left you without any reason. That shows she used you for oral sex. You should let your parents know how you have been used.

    If you want you can let your future wife know what happened to you.

    You don't need to tell her parents any thing.

  6. Wa 'alaikom alsalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh.

    OP: I am in a 7 years relationship with a girl without marriage. We both loved each other too much. We both wanted
    to marry but that time my parents wanted me to complete my Bachelors. This was not my fault because of my
    parents wish, I was not able to marry her that time but I wanted to marry her.

    Brother, your parents may have prevented your marrying her, but they did not for you to enter nor stay in a haram relationship with her. THAT was your fault.

    OP: I was afraid of Zinha because of kabira sin but my other desires was
    growing. That's why I did all other thing except Zinha.

    Brother, Allah has not only forbidden the committing of zina but he has forbidden the mere nearing to zina.

    Surah Al-Isra, Verse 32:
    وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا

    And go not nigh to fornication; surely it is an indecency and an evil way.
    (English - Shakir)

    OP: without telling this, it will be wrong and
    dishonesty to future husband and wife.

    Actually you're not obliged to tell anyone about your past sins and you ARE obliged to conceal your sins. Yes, it is wrong to lie to people, but unless they ask, you won't really be lying and if they do, you can simply tell them that your past is your past and that it is between you and Allah.

    OP: I don't want her to lose her own respect and not to marry with someone else and I want to prevent her from dishonesty.

    If fornication makes someone lose their self-respect, then you have both lost yours and, no, marrying each other won't earn you that lost respect back. And, as I explained above, there's no need for either of you to be dishonest with you future spouses. And, I think you two should worry more about lost faith than lost respect, but that's only my opinion.

    OP: I want to prevent her from committing sin again.

    You can't really prevent people from sinning. You can only convince, guide and advise them and unless they're responsive it won't really stop them.

    OP: Now please tell me is she right? She promised so many times and asked me to promise,after so many promises and after oral sex, kisses, hugging, seeing each other naked, and future dishonesties, because of all this and left me by hurting me too much and leaving me alone after all this she is doing right thing?

    Maybe she is wrong to be breaking her promise to you and perhaps it's unkind of her to hurt you, but maybe she is right in leaving someone who tempts her into sin and by cutting off all relations with a supposed lover who didn't love her enough to keep her away from what Allah SWT has forbidden? You havent exactly proven yourself to be the type of husband that would help her please Allah, so I can't really blame her for walking out on you.

    OP: Because of this I am not telling her parents because I don't
    want her to think wrong about me.

    Please, do NOT tell her parents. If you do, then you will be disclosing your sins and you're not supposed to. And, brother, if I had committed sin with you and you told me that you were going to tell my parents then I would think that you were trying not only to threaten me, but to manipulate me and force me into marrying you as well. And, you love her so much but you don't fear for her parents reaction? Also, you might want to consider that it may not go as you planned. Maybe her parents will get really angry with you (maybe even violent), accuse you of brainwashing their daughter and refuse to give you her hand in marriage as you have already transgressed and taken more from her than what is your right?

    Please, repent to Allah for your sins, ask Him to guide you to what is best for you and think carefully before you do anything.

  7. Many of the questions you have asked are not relevant to you. What difference to you does it make if Allah forgives her or not? Whether she tells her future spouse about her past is not your business - it is her's.

    You are suffering from a broken heart. She does not wish to reunite with you -- there is no "Islamic" convincing. You must forget about her and move on.

    There is no reason for you to tell her parents about your intimacies with this girl. It is between you and her, and your respective consciences. Honestly, why would you reveal such a thing?

    It may be helpful for you if you received some counselling about how to move on and achieve healing. You may feel much better after you do so.

  8. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    The verse in the Quran [57:16]

    "Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? And let them not be like those who were given the Scripture before, and a long period passed over them, so their hearts hardened; and many of them are defiantly disobedient."

    was enough to make Al-Fudhayl bin Iyyadh, a highway robber, leave his transgressions in his past and follow the straight path to Allah swt. Perhaps it will be enough for you.

    Iby Qayyim says:

    So, save your heart, be wary of how you spend your days and nights, and do not let the Sun set before you arrive at your destination.”

    – Ibn Qayyim al Jawziyyah (‘al-Wabil as-Sayyib’: p. 45)

    &

    “The slave is not afflicted with a punishment greater than the hardening of the heart and being distant from Allah. For the Fire was created to melt the hardened heart. The most distant heart from Allah is the heart which is hardened. If the heart becomes hardened, the eye becomes dry.” Ibn Al-Qayyim

    Your heart was meant to feel pain and not become hard. Whatever pain you feel from the the loss of your love is meant to steer you in the right direction if you let go of your preoccupation with all the things that direct you away from Allah swt. And that is just it. You are preoccupied with this girl and the future and your loss...YET, you chose this path. You chose to not marry this girl to obey your parents. You didn't weigh the consequences of obedience to your parents agains the consequences of obedience to Allah swt. Now, when it has failed, you want to grab the reins of Islam for the wrong reasons.

    Exposing her sins, your sins to many other people isn't wise. I do not think there are any examples of this in Islamic history, YET there are many examples of sincere repentance and establishing a strong connection with Allah swt. This should be your focus--if you see your destination as a place beyond this Dunya.

    I suggest that you focus all of your attention on your personal relationship with Allah swt, ask for forgiveness, and the answers to your questions will begin to come to you. May Allah guide us all on the straight path, Ameen.

  9. Brother,

    Its my kind request that you dont reveal anything to anyone. Keep it with yourself. I ve been there and i clearly know how it feels to be betrayed, used and rejected but if you do what you are intending to do then write my words you will have a miserable life and huge weight of guilt. You are angry and want to take revenge right now.. but believe me it will fade eventually may be in 2 years time and you will be happy. Whenever something hurts me or whenever i see something which i wish i had with me.. i will ask myself whether this material things (car, bike, house, women etc..) better or Jannah and all those things in it.. and ofcourse as a Muslim i choose Jannah. So ask yourself and may b its for your own good Allah showed her true intentions and her character.. think like that. The feelings will come throughout your life but it will lose its strength and it will be weak overtime. DO NOT REVEAL ANYTHING TO ANYONE. Even to your friends. Just turn the otherway around bro... you will be alright. In Sha Allah.

    Be good and ask Allah to give you contentment. may Allah eases your suffering. Do a lot of charity it really helps.

    • MASHA ALLAH nice response... I am also going through the same situation...
      Someone also betrayed me and i feel the same but your response is true... These all are worldly desires and i know its hard to control because i am also not able to control my self but if we keep Islam in our mind then for sure we'll be able to control ourselves.
      Whenever i feel like this i offer prayer as it calms me down so go for it, whenever you feel like killing yourself or crying then offer prayers or recite Qur'an...

  10. OP: She was fine for 6 years? Why did she decide to leave you after she saw you naked and had oral sex with you? Did she leave soon after this happened? What reason she gave you? Do you think she found another b/f?

    You should not disclose your intimacy to any one afterall you both loved each other.

  11. Saba I want to contact with you BT how plz I'm in trouble BT I don't want to disclose on everyone my problem

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