Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell him about my previous relationship?

past, present, future

Guys i need help!!! My fiance asked me a while ago if i have ever dated a guy or been in a relationship before and i said 'no' and then he asked me again today and i told him 'no' again however it's not true.

I have had a previous reltionship but i have repented from it and have read that once you repent then you should conceal your sin however my fiance has never been in any relationship before and thinks that dating is wrong.

I feel guilty lying to him and im scared that he might find out the truth after we are married and it will lead in a divorce. Should i just be honest with him now? the reason i lied is because he is such an amazing, smart, kind muslim man and i don't want to lose him by telling him something i regret very deeply.

I really don't know what to do. If i could go back and erase my past i would definately do it because i was young and less religious and a completely diffrent person. However i feel so embarrassed to tell him and scared. What would be the best thing to do from a islamic perspective?

- flower_child

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30 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    your fiance wud not hav benn in a relationship which was serious but he himself wud hav had atleast a crush on som gal.. am not meaning to disgrace him but just tryin to emphasize the fact that we are people and people make mistakes.. i dont really know how far ur ex-relationship went but please do consider the fact that if u were in his shoes n he did wot u are duin to him,will u like it?? and da fact that he really did ask m8v been out of curiosity or maybe some1 from ur past has revealed it to him.. anyway,i would recommend you tell da truth n make sure u giv da love n trust a guy like him deserves.. just tell him how much u adore him n that that part of ur life is completely over n that uv asked for forgiveness from Allah..

    Before you reveal this piece of info pray to Allah that he should accept you better after uv confided this in him. Da worst thing that cud happen to u is that him coming to know da fact aftyer ur marriage thru a 3rd party n that would completely break him n he m8 evn start suspecting all activities of urz if tyhe news got to him that way..

    Love is not all wot marriage is about, trust n undestanding play bigger roles too..
    Take this step of revealing this now or u will hav to face da consequences later dear sister..

    Allah bless you!!
    Salam

  2. Salaam,

    I'm a man sis...

    dont!

    Shaytan will use this to play on his mind forever - He will try to use this to come between you to.

    Yes - Islam does wipe away all sins with repentance - it is between you and Allah sins are not something we should share with anyone - if you hide sins in this world Allah will hide them for you i the next.

    There are certain instances where muslims are allowed to keep from telling the truth ...

    If two people are arguing you can lie between them to bring them closer...

    if your life is in danger... etc

    DO NOT TELL HIM!

  3. As far as i know, In Islam it says your fiancé or husband had no right to even ask you about your past and you do not have to tell him anything if he asks and I THINK you are aloud to lie in this case. If he accepted you right now then that means he has accepted your past as well and if he was concerned about this then he should have thought about this before you guys for engaged. If I was in this situation I would ask him if he trusts me or not and that when I am his.. Then what else is he concerned about and he has accepted you now and shouldn't hold anything from the past against you later.

  4. Salaam,
    It is a difficult situation as you have already lied, but I wouldn't recommend telling the truth. It is a sin which has been concealed and it should be kept between you and Allah swt. Your fiancee should not have asked you outright as of course its a risk of exposing your sin. We have been commanded to hide our sins and of course repent and make amends.

    So do not tell him unless there is a really high risk he is going to find out. If he asks you again or seems bothered about it too much, I would think twice about marrying him because if he does find out he will give you trouble for it.

    Islamically if asked, you are not allowed to reveal your sin nor are you allowed to actually lie. You can give an answer such as Allah protected me from that. This would be interpreted as yes, but you actually mean Allah protected you after the mistake. This is what the scholars recommend. So dear sister know that you did not wrong your fiancee by your past mistake, and you have a right to be able to repent and make amends and move on. Ask Allah to forgive you for lying to him - but at the same time keep your sin concealed. Another point, if there is a risk you may have contracted an infection from a previous relationship, then please please get yourself tested before you marry him.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Assalamu Alaikum my dear sister,

    I think this should be between you and Allah(swt) ONLY. Marriage is all about trust and suppose you did tell him about your past, do you think the he will be able to trust you fully? If ever there is a doubt, it will keep arising at every point in your marriage. My dear sister, if you repented for your sins and made tawbah, then i dont see why you should still hold on to this. I think what matter now is how loyal you're to him AFTER you;re married, AND we all make mistakes but whats important is WHAT we learn from them.

    If he was to ever find out, this must be for a reason.You know, there is always a PLAN for everything BUT, sister have faith in Allah(swt). If you were meant to be together, then thats what will happen, inshallah against all ODDS.

    So, I think you shouldn't tell him about any of this. Inshallah, Allah(swt) will understand and forgive your sins. Place your trust in Allah(swt) and inshallah, may Allah(swt) reward you and your future husband with happiness in this dunya and the hereafter.

  6. Salamu alaikum flower-child

    It is not allowed in Islam to inform others about the sins one commits or had ever committed.Never revealed your past sins to your fiancee or to anybody.since Allah has covered your sins and you have realize your mistakes and repent so do not reveal it to anybody.

    The prophet mohammad(s.a.w)said(whoever commits any of these bad acts (forbidden acts)he should hide himself and cover himself with the cover of Allah and never reveal it as whoever discloses what he has committed we will apply retributive measures on him.)

    And prophet(s.a.w)said(All my nation will be forgiven except those who openly disclosed their sins).The prophet(s.a.w)then mentioned that an example of disclosing ones sins is that he commits a sin at night under Allahs covering,and then in the morning he goes and say to people(I did such and such).

    Imam Malik reported in his book of Hadith that a man offered to marry the sister of another.The latter told the former that his sister committed zina before.When caliph Omar Ibn Alkhattab(R.A)heard the news he called the brother of the girl and said to him angrily(who told you to disclosed this information?)

    So,you most not disclosed your past sins to your fiancee or to anyone.If he wants to marry you he most look at how you have change now and become a better practicing muslimah and not how you used to be in your past.However if he make it a condition that he will marry you only if you are a virgin and keeps on asking you
    then in this case you have the right to end your engagement with him so you can save your past.

    Generally,those who are eager to delve into the past of their future wives have a despotic,jealous,malicious and controlling nature.Loving and noble muslim men forget the past,overlook the shortcomings to have a happy life.

    However if you try to be honest with him it might lead to many problems and he might not forget your past as they are many women who have done the same.So you just cover your past and ask Allah to make it easy on you.

  7. Salam dear Flower_child,

    Noone is allowed ask anyone of any sins committed and nor should anyone to disclose their sin to anyone. Sin committed should only be between you and Allah (swt) and nobody else. A God-fearing brother and sister would never ask anyoneeeee to expose each others sin. Your finacee either doesn't know about this command of Allah (swt) or he is aware of it yet neglects to follow Allah (swt)'s command!

    Sister my advise to you is, perform an istkhara, inshaAllah, Allah (swt) will guide you. If your outcome of your istkhara is positve then marry him and God-forbid, if after marriage your husband does finds out about your past then deal with it then, I.e. don't worry about your past now- have taqwa in Allah (swt) and you can always, iA direct him to this page- at least this should show or prove to him that you really and really didn't want to lie to him and so you seeked advise from your muslim brothers and sisters and from a trusted Islamic website too!

    I wish you well 🙂 and always takecare of your respected honour and dignity- don't ever forget that you repented to Allah (swt) and so you should never share your past to your fincee nor after marriage to your husband!

    And inshaAllah, raise your future children as a veryy good Muslims- this should your BIG AIM after marriage and for yourself, and if you havn't yet, then please observe hijab and offer your salahs on time.

    Love,
    Parveen

  8. i think that he has the right to know about you, i know that it will be hard to tell him but personaly i think you should tell him because one way or another he will find out, and if you were to marry him without telling him, think about the future what will happen if he finds out later?
    if you truly love him and he loves you then he will accept that you repent for that mistake you made in the past, if he cant forgive you for this problem, then think about the problems that might occur in your marriage

    just tell him already before he actually finds out for himself,

    from mystry girl 24

  9. He probably has an inclination that there is something otherwise he would not ask twice, once a person has been in a relationship there are giveaways, tell tale signs, so concealing this depends on your ability to forget it yourself, and forget or not show what you learnt from that relationship.

    The bottom line is we all know relationships outside marriage are wrong, we make a decision to enter them whether its due to peer pressure or the fulfilment of our desires, whatever the reason my point being you made the decision.

    I have heard that before marriage a guy is allowed to ask about a previous relationship, however not afterwards, once you are married he cannot ask you.

    This is the reverse of guys who have premariatal relations and then want to marry only a virgin.

    By telling him, he will either forgive you, test you and ultimately it will take longer for him to trust you, or simply not marry you....personally I wouldn't marry you, not because of your previous relationship, but because you have already lied twice straight to his face, therefore likely you will lie again in the future, don't feel so bad you are not alone many others do the same.

    May Allah help you.

  10. If Islam says not to disclose sin coz by disclosing it will be regarded as much greater sin then why should a boy or a girl disclose their sin to a potential spouse????-please can be kind and answer this question.

    Secondly, if a guy or a girl is interested to marry a particular person, in Islam hasn't not been highly encouraged to do a thorough research about the person and the family before going to propose or accepting the proposal????- please can someone be kind and answer this question.

    If the guy/ girl/ families did their thorough research and they found no flaw then say they decide to proposw, then I am sorry they have no right to put a soul in corner by questioning them about their past!

    Furthermore, please see all the sad cases on this very website that many girls who have discolsed thier past to their husband before marriage yet their husbands still gives them miserable time despite the fact the girl been truthful and honest from the beggining!

    And one thing girls are way more forgiving than guys. Therefore, every guy must carry out their utmost thorough research about the girl they wish to marry before stepping in to her home! By just placing your feet in the girl's home, means the you are 100% sure to marry her and there is no such thing as engagement period in Islam. The only reason, engagement session maybe allowed is for wedding preparation and yes, the guy and girl is allowed to talk to each other but only to see whether their personality is in line to one other and not their past transactions!

    Therefore, never ask anyone of their past sin coz it is SIN to ask and nor should you disclose your sin to anyone coz it is SIN to disclose!

    Thanks!
    Parveen.
    🙂

    • Maam can I please pleaseee have your email address..I loved your answer and I would like to discuss my issue with you..Allah pak will bless you for this.

      • Kiran, I am sorry but we do not allow the exchange of emails or other personal contact details on our website.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Here comes the women liberation front to encourage sins...

      and one girl also asking her to solve her case because you seem to be encouraging her for future as well...

      Now tell me, what if his husband comes to know from 3rd parties after marriage???

      • Here comes the women liberation front to encourage sins...

        and one girl also asking you to solve her case because you seem to be encouraging her for future as well...

        Now tell me, what if her husband comes to know from 3rd parties after marriage???

        You will never ever understand the disaster they will go through all their lives...

        Come and walk a mile in my shoes to understand that how it feels when suddenly a jolly, happy and friendly person start walking dead on the earth... everyday hoping that someday life will come to an end and he will be free from everything...

  11. sis SALAM , i think u must not tell about what happened in your past becoz once u made a mistake and then u repented to ALLAH so why do u wanna tell him and why do u wanna create a problem i know u dont want but he asks u frequently but believe me sis this thing will honestly create a problem in your matrimonial life , which is to come in future so, plz i think u must pray to ALLAH to show u a solution to this problem or u do istikhara .

  12. you need to risk assess this...is this past of yours public knowledge? i.e does half of the world know about it? and is he likely to findout? if so, will he, God forbid want to end the marriage because of it?...If the answer to these questions is yes...come clean...the truth is, assuming you are in the west, we are not islamically educated or guided, we are left to social influences which are the vast majority of the influences in our lives, until we mostly find our own path to Islam, by then its been a rocky road, you learn the hard way, considering that and that you only have one past experience to worry about....in todays terms...it makes you an angle :)...ok don;t tell him your an angle lol you'll have to say you're not an angle and because it was sooo long ago and sooo insignificant you forgot about it and were not sure if it actually classes as a real relationship, and add about you not being guided to Islam initially etc ...you might be adding a few bits...but its to salvage a relationship which will lead to you achieving 50% of your deen.

    I'd still hate you because you lied and because you later corrected yourself and came clean with a good enough story that I can't do anything with but to forgive...just adding male perspective 🙂

  13. assalam alikum,
    i think you must tell him about your past, if after marriage he come to know then definitely it will be a problem. you can lie if a knife is hanging on your neck and if something will trouble your living. if you have done the wrong please accept it and tell him. ok it should be bet u and allah. but socially you will definitely face problems . IF YOU ARE NOT HONEST AT FIRST STAGE then there may be a chances that u will again lie for some thing to your life partner and it is not justified.
    thank you

    • The Prophet (saw) said: "Avoid these filthy things that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever has done any of them, let him conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted." Narrated by al-Bayhaqi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 663.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. Dear Sister,

    I would say "Definitely Not". I am an man, and i know the nature of men. Even if he would appreciate your honesty at this moment, but in the future shaitain will always inject doubts in his mind. We all are human. We are weak. Everybody makes mistakes. You should repent in front of Allah and ask for forgiveness.

    You should not tell him about this. If you want to save this relationship. Dont lead your emotions lead you to do this second mistake. Allah is merciful, i am sure if at the moment you are honest and faithful with him, then i dont know how to say it in english, but in urdu it goes as "Allah aap kay aibon pe parda dal day ga".

    Jazak Allah Khair

  15. though its a tricky situation and your scared, i understand .. i'd advice you to tell the truth to him. if a man cant accept you for who you are his not worth being in your life. telling the truth has so many benifits, above all Allah will be pleased with you for being truthful, by telling the truth might make your fiance respect you more if his worthy of being your husband 🙂 an it will also help build up the relationship you two have which will benifit you when your married. put yourself in his situation, though it hurts wouldnt you rather face the truth than be kept in the dark. if your finance truely loves you have nothing to fear .. the most that will happen is you will have to face his wrath, but its better than facing the wrath of Allah 🙂
    x

  16. questions about Sharai Problems should always bn asked to an authentic Mufti. do not ask islami problems here. please do not Jeoperdize your life of Aakhira' . People here r not even aalim ( scholar ). they can just give u basic knowledge. and can tell u basic rights and wrongs. but they can't answer your islami ( sharai ) problem.
    so please be carefull and discuss only social and basic islami principles..
    And Admins here are requested not to answer Sharai Problems.
    Helping people, and inspiring them toward Islam is a duty of every Muslim. Your effort is appreciable.
    But please do not make this website a Fatwa center. If you answer any particular Sharai problem with Insufficient, Incomplete ,wrong or misunderstood knowledge , You will be accountable after death.
    So please be carefull about urself and others.

    • I agree , Abdullah .

    • There is clear guidance in the hadiths given if you read through it. What's the deal Abdullah, are you going around the interwebs with your Qur'an thumping? How is this only a mufti solution question, the second such suggestion I have read from you?

  17. Salam Sister, let him know the truth because if he finds out from somewhere else then you will break his trust on you and if you don't tell him the truth then this will play with ur mind forever even after marriage... moreover this is an alarming situation for you cuz he has asked you second time.. may b he might he know the truth but to continue the relationship he wants to hear it from you...

  18. I dont know wht to do .im really tense im pregnant and i love my husband alot want him to give as much happiness as i can .but my past mistakes are killing me .im mentally disturbed and it will effect my pregancy .doctors said do not stress urself
    But when i think abt my past i feel like killing myself plz help

    • Salaams,

      Jia, please log in and submit your question as a separate post with all the details, and we will answer it as soon as possible in shaa Allah.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. Salam Sister,

    you are probably married or not, but this doesn't concern me. He asked you, if you are a virgin or you dated someone? You lied to him (You wrongdid him). Sister he will find out somehow here or in hereafter. Do you want to continue to live in this lie? Do you want to see your husband in hereafter knowing, that you lied to him.

    Really be honest about your past and if he can't accept, then search someone, who can accept it.
    There are a lot muslim guys, who aren't virgins, but they want virgins. This is unfair. Therefore everybody should stay honest and want something, that they deserve.

    Really, it better being honest before marriage, than after marriage where you have some kids you need to feed.

  20. Sister ,

    You should not lie as he has clearly asked you about past relationship .You are not supposed to tell but can come out of this relationship ...

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