Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should my brother marry the girl he made pregnant?

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

I need an advice, my brother impregnated a non-Muslim girl. At first we were open to the idea of marriage between them, but the problem is, we cannot take the girl's attitude. She causes a lot of drama in my brother's life and even to us.

She makes scandalous posts on networking sites, she lacks decency in the situation. And usually she causes trouble to people who are linked to my brother's life like his own friends and co-workers and when you confront her she has no remorse to what she did.

There have also been times when she utters unbearable word about my family and my religion. She is known to have a bad reputation; she's the cause of most fights.

So we decided to cancel the wedding, since it will only cause more problems and we are pretty sure they will not live a harmonious life together.

Now here's where the problem arises: since the child is considered illegitimate, and according to the law the mother has the only right to the custody of a child, we are afraid that the baby will turn out a non Muslim believer, since obviously, she's the one whose going to rear the child. We really wanted the baby to be a Muslim.

Now her family will not allow us to have share custody of the baby unless my brother will marry her, what should we do?

Do we need to let them marry for the baby’s sake even though we know first hand that she will create more trouble and problems?

Please help me.

~Misha


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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam misha, the question you posted has so many events that preceded it that one must reply considering these, i apologise in advance for the long reply.

    my brother impregnated a non-Muslim girl.

    On another post, this would be the main question and would gain a array of replies with similar nature, first of all relationships outside marriage are haraam, and this is a major sin and one must repent for this, your brother should be told this, however having sex outside marriage is a even bigger sin, and is called zina for this punishment is severe, and one must wholly repent for this behaviour and seek guidance from Allah, make sure your brother knows of this, he has been incredibly weak to be in such relations and made the mistake of having illegal sex, and thus created your problem the girl is now pregnant.

    At first we were open to the idea of marriage between them, but the problem is, we cannot take the girl's attitude.

    Marriage should not be taken lightly nor should circumstance call for it, what were your brothers intentions when choosing to marry this girl, due to the pregnancy or was it genuine feelings, she is non-muslim and so there you have a problem already, the fact her attitude is poor makes the job even harder, is this girl from the religions referred to as 'people of the book' this excludes sikhism, hinduism, buddhism, atheism, freemasonry, and is she practicing the religion, only then can the marriage be valid, and even so alot of scholars urge the non-muslim to accept islam, this would make it easier for any children they have, in your case the girl is already pregnant.

    she utters unbearable word about my family and my religion.

    How can your family accept someone who speaks in such away about islam, and moreso Allah, this is insulting and you should make this clear to this girl, noone has the right to insult islam, especially not a girl who seems to have no morals, and again no religion(atheist), and so this would make the marriage invalid too, your brother has dug his own grave and is facing his penalties severely, with you his family being dragged in.

    Your brother was at fault, his fault led to repercussions and thus your current state, problem is he cannot marry her, since she sounds non-practicing and so she must accept islam, BUT acceptance should be through love of Allah and not just to get married, your in a deep situation here, which needs careful thought, my solution is for your brother to move out of your house and in with the girls family, over time if they can accept him as father, and allow the child to be a muslim, then that is fine, most likely it wont work, but your in a muddle with marriage aswell, since she has to revert in order for it to be halal, maybe he can teach her the beauty of islam and how good it is, i cant stress the importance of the child being a muslim, and this moves should be made before the birth, so ask your brother if he can educate in islam and maybe they will accept and so he can marry her, as for your problems, make it clear she will be HIS wife and not your problem at all and you should avoid conflicts with her.

    Your brother must repent, he must change himself and he must clear his mess you can only support him to a certain degree, you should ask him to pray salat-ul-istikhara for guidance, i assure you the outcome will be beneficial in this tough situation that he is in, apart from that follow the above advice and try to come to a decision, ask Allah to make her see the light of islam and keep faith.

    I hope this helped, keep us posted on what happens, and any further advice i can give you, best of luck and i pray that your problem gets resolved and happyness can return to your homes insha'Allah.

  2. I totally agree with the above post.

    Your brother should have known better to mix and ruin his own family's reputation before he chose to engage in haraam activities. Don't blame the girl for everything, your brother played a major sin too. They should never marry, your family is forcing the girl to change and believe you me even if she don't she will bring that child up how she wants it she is the mother, it is her right not yours or anyone else 's. Your family is wasting their time seems to me your brother was happy how she was in the first place. The family shouldn't get involved let them sort it out ie their differences. If that don't work let them apart and your brother to take full responsibility for the child, you or your family has no right to request that child to be a muslim this will depend on the girl and your brother either way that child has been born in two races, religions not one. It may hurt you by me being honest but trust me i know what i am talking about children will always find out when they get older who and where they came from some may change and others learn to except ISLAM but i also hope this child does have the opportunity to chose and not be made too choose and another family shattered into pieces.

  3. Dear Misha,

    It is unfortunat that your brother got himself into this position. While I can understand your family's concerns, and it is very commendable and encouraging to hear that you are willing to embrace this child and ensure that s/he is raised as a muslim, I think you and your family also have to understand that it is not your decision to approve/cancel/disapprove of the wedding because you dislike this girl. Your brother is a big boy; he chose to have sexual relations with this girl, and, he must now do the right thing -- even if it means both he and your family are uncomfortable about it.

    Why can't he have a discussion with the mother-to-be that he finds her comments about Islam offensive? Perhaps, if they had that discussion, she will be more respectful.

    I agree that the primary concern should be to stand by his child and ensure that s/he is raised as a muslim. If the mother is willing to have her child raised as a muslim, then your brother should marry her. Encourage your brother to discuss with his wife those issues that may be a barrier to a cooperative union. Yes, they may not be joyously in love -- but to be really honest, that's too bad. They made certain decisions which have resulted in a pregnancy; they must now proceed forward in a mature fashion, with the interests of the child paramount. Your brother must assume the role of being head of his little family. If he adopts that role in a mature fashion, he may be successful in creating a stable, content environment for his child, and can hopefully raise that child within the folds of Islam, even if the mother to be does not convert to Islam herself.

    -Maryam,
    Islamic Answers.com editor.

  4. Asalaam alaykum Misha,

    I'm not sure what country you live in, but your brother should be able to claim joint custody so that he and your family can have time with the child. All he will need to do is petition for a paternity test to verify that he is the father and then file for is, accordingly.

    • I agree with Professor X on this one and disagree with Sister Maryam.

      This brother already made a huge mistake by having relations outside of marriage. The next mistake will be if he marries this woman despite her having a 'bad character' and being openly vindictive about Islam. If they were to marry just for the child's sake, the child would be brought by parents who have conflicting (even disrespectful) views on serious life changing matters. How would this be better for the child? And from the content of this post, the mother of the child is not muslim and does not appear to be Jewish or Christian either, so on what basis would such a marriage be Islamically lawful.

      What the father of the child needs is to do is 'man up'.
      - He needs to repent for his sins and needs to learn about his deen and start practising it;;
      - He needs to prove the paternity of the child, hence gaining custody rights;
      - He needs to present Islam to the mother of his child and if she improves her character and accepts Islam, then he should strongly consider marrying her;
      - If she does not accept Islam, then he should work on being the best Muslim father he can and fight for shared custody. He needs to try and keep a civil relationship with this woman for the sake of their child and prove that he is responsible enough to raise his child well.

      Unfortunately, this will not be easy, but it will be easier and better for the all concerned including the child, than staying together in a forced union. InshaAllah this brother will improve his character and with the support of his family and a good wife, he can play a very active, important and postively influential role in his child's life. Even if the family and wife support are omitted, it is his responsibility to be the best father he can under the circumstances. And if the character of the woman is untoward, he should fight for sole custody.

      And Allah knows Best.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • One more thing: It seems that although you and your family love and care for your brother, you are wrapping him up in cotton wool. Has he or any of your family thought of the difficulties his immaturity and irresponsibility has caused to the mother of the child and to her family?

        The point is, as Maryam said, he is not a little boy anymore. He needs a good talking to and some serious growing up. So if it is 'the family' that is cancelling the wedding and not your brother, it shows that he is still hiding behind you all. Its time you all stop allowing him to feel that he's a kid, because he's not.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister, the father, the father, the father of the child of Zina has absolutely nothing to do with that child, he belongs to and only to, the Mother.

        So it is not allowed islamically for this man to "claim custody" as you say.

        The prophet[saww] said "the child of zina belongs to the bed it was born in"
        "and "the child of zina does not inherit from him [biological father] and is not named after him.

        • Abu Az-Zubayr, what you have mentioned is a majority opinion but hardly a unanimous one.

          Ibn Muflih (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Our shaykh [Ibn Taymiyah] favoured the view that a man may attribute to himself a child who is the result of zina with an unmarried woman. al-Furoo’, 6/625

          As far as, "belongs to the bed it was born in" this has been understood to refer to a child of adultery. If the mother committed adultery, the child will nevertheless be attributed to her husband and carry his name, not the name of the adulterous father.

          See more here:

          http://islamqa.info/en/ref/33591

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam, after reading your post i agreed, then i read the reply from sisterZ and decided to re-read the original post by misha.

      So we decided to cancel the wedding, since it will only cause more problems and we are pretty sure they will not live a harmonious life together.

      Now here's where the problem arises: since the child is considered illegitimate, and according to the law the mother has the only right to the custody of a child, we are afraid that the baby will turn out a non Muslim believer, since obviously, she's the one whose going to rear the child. We really wanted the baby to be a Muslim.

      As a father you want to see your child, but in the post their is no mention about him but of 'we', which is a little worrying, the involvment of the family is very close and im not suggesting; but does the father want custody or is it more the family, who seem to care more and hes decided to take a back seat and let them deal with something he should take responsibility and lead in, so i think if the father is not enthusiastic and interested in being a father, which may i add is a hard job if you do it succesfully, then maybe it would not be a good idea to get custody, because if the family care and raise the child it wont make up for a lacking father figure, and this can impact on the childs later life, and religion becomes a problem aswell in such a case, so as i said above in my post the father should buck up his ideas and make a decision that is seperate from his family and based on his own feelings towards his child rather than stand back and let his family be involved in a potential tug-of-war that will result in poor social and emotional development for the child, due to the constact fights and animosity that the mother has with the fathers family.
      .

      • I would differ however and this is why: if the father is going to be on his own, then he does need the family's support. He won't know how to do everything, and thus, he will need all the help you can get if he's going to be a single dad. The reason why so many single parents neglect their children is because they don't have help and figure not to try at all.

        Add to the fact that the mother could then be introducing unknown male figures into the child's life who could be questionable, it then makes his family involvement all the more necessary for him. We've all heard the horror stories of the boyfriend or stepdad who beat, molested or killed a child that wasn't their own, but under their care.

        In fact, in Family Court, his family's support will bode well for him in getting joint or full custody of the child in the future. Lawyers build their cases on it and judges specifically look for it when rendering a decision on full or shared custody.

        • i agree he needs support, however i was putting to question his intention of fathering the child, does he want the child in his life at all?, your other points are very true and my stance against abuse is as strong as many so i totally agree, although even with joint custody it seems the mother would still cause problems among those involved through spite, since she would not get her way, i wish them the best and hope they can find a solution that works insha'Allah.
          misha keep us posted on what happens.

        • I agree. Family support would be great for the brother in this situation, but not to the extent where it becomes 'mollycoddling'.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
    as i am a revert, and i am a mother of 4, i was told i can choose a husband for my self. the husband. we are told that we can not marry with out a civil marriage too. The imams are worried because the law is "cracking donw" on pologomy... if a imam will not marry us, what are our options.. jazakAllah khair
    sabia

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