Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I reveal my past to my future husband if he has asked me about it?

Crescent moon at sunset

I am Inshallah going to marry a really really nice guy very soon. He is so in love in with me and is extremely sweet & good natured. I too like him so much and feel so, Alhumdulillah, lucky to have to share my life with a wonderful person.

However, he is aware that I have had past relationships many many years ago. It feels like a different life now. I am so incredibly ashamed of my younger years, I can't believe that was me... and would love more than anything to turn back the clock and erase it all out & not have to fear that it would ever creep up or affect my future life.  I feel so much guilt for it and pray Allah forgives me for all my sins Inshallah.

But... my fiance does ask me a lot about how close I was to these guys in them relationships. I hate having to recall it and the conversation always ends up in floods of tears because I feel stuck what to say & feel angry at myself, but I can never bring myself to tell him the full truth. It would destroy him, I think. But all he wants to know is if I'm pure and has aksed me to swear on it. I have told him bits & bats of how close I was, and he seems OK with that. But after a very teary & aching discussion, he asked to swear I'd not bee touched too intimately... and I swore I hadn't.

I have blatantly lied to him. I can't tell him... It's too much and all that stuff means absolutely nothing to me now. I understand why it matters so much in our deen, but I can't bring myself to tell him the truth. I am scared for how it will make him feel & I am scared for myself. What should I do???

I have asked him about his past, but inside I know he hasn't been as bad as I have.  Infact, whatever his past secrets are it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I like him so much as he is. I don't care about his past. Because I know he will be Inshallah fully devoted and committed to me in a marriage & all I want is to do the same back. But this issue just keeps arising...

Furthermore, he is a local guy. & though the past relationship guys are quite local, I am scared of of the truth surfacing & he will find out. Alhumdulillah, though it was many many years ago, nothing has ever come of it. Nothing has ever come back to me and families have asked about my family etc and there has been positive 'feedback' either way. My fiance has not heard anything 'bad' about me. Alhumdulillah I am so grateful for this because I feel like Allah is watching over me & protecting me, but I am aware that anything could happen at anytime...

Could someone please advise to what to do in this situation... should I tell him the truth and risk him getting heartbroken and maybe call off the marriage? I think he deserves a pure wife if he wants one... he is too too nice to be lied to. I feel extremely guilty for it. He doesn't deserve it...  he loves me soo much. It will destroy him if I told him. All I want is to love him & care for him & be a good devoted wife. He knows this & loves me the same back. We want to practice our deen together & are already working towards becoming better Muslims.

Please, please, please could you advise me. How do I repent? How do I approach this matter? Should I reveal the truth to him???

Jaza kallah for your time...

lotus


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62 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister
    Islamically, you don't have to reveal your sins to him. If u have repented for it, then others have no right to ask. If he is so in love with you, should your past really matter to him? It seems he keeps asking you, why is he so insecure about it?

    • Hi!

      My advice would be to tell him because if he is destined to find out and know all this stuff then he will, so you might as well tell him b4 he ends up finding out feom other sources and u shouldnt feel bad because you have repented and are now i hope a true muslim!

      • Hk, you are making some assumptions. What if he's NOT destined to find out about it? What if he doesn't find out from other soruces? Islam tells us to make tawbah and conceal our sins, not reveal them.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. you should sit down with him and tell him the truth. islamicly you dont have to reveal your sins to anyone, but if he asks, you shouldnt lie. if it is all local the news will get to him one way or another

  3. As salamu alaykum lotus,

    Wael, Sara and SisterZ, have said the same in other posts, once you have repented your sin is closed, then you don´t have to talk about it.

    Wael mentioned this in a post:

    "About concealing your past sins, you are correct. You should continue to make your sincere tawbah, and do not reveal your past mistakes to others. See this previous post:

    Boasting about sins http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/

    About tawbah, you have a link on the top of the page that will be helpful for you, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) guides you to the right decision. Allah(swt) knows best.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Dear Sister,

    Sounds like he is a bit insecure. What does he hope to gain by asking you this and that? He loves you and wants to spend his life with you so why does he feel it necessary to dig up your dead past? He is asking for details and in the end, when you give them to him...he is only going to have more questions and feel even more insecure than he is now. So, my opinion on the matter is...you've told him what you have, theres no need to say any more. If he truly cares about you and wants to spend his life with you, he needs to knock off the questioning as there is nothing to be had of it.

  5. I definitely agree with all the previous posts above, but just a food for thought: this person seems to be rather insecure regarding your past. Although he has all the qualities you desire in a husband, you may still want to weigh everything objectively as he may make your life misreable if he finds out your past after marriage (Allah forbid).

    You want to steer away from potential prospects who stress a lot on a girl's past and her chastity because you know that this is something that is very important to them and your past if revealed may cause a lot of problems in the future. Just be wise when making your decision.

    Good luck

    • Helping Sister, I agree with what you have said.

      To the author of this post: Your fiance is asking you to: 'swear I'd not been touched too intimately...'

      This shows that your past is floating in his mind and he is not at peace. Now, he has just asked you to swear that you have not been touched to intimately, next he will ask you whether you performed 'specfic acts'.

      Your fiance may be genuinely very sweet, but you will see from this website that even the sweetest of guys are not always strong enough to stand up and deal with such matters. I think that you should not dismiss such things as these are clearly red flags, they build a picture of someone's mentality. This issue could potentially cause problems for you in the future unless dealt with now. I always say sins should be concealed and I maintain that now aswell, so I do not know exactly what you should do here.

      1) Should you pursue marriage with him and stand your ground every time he questions your past? Can you do do this without breaking down everytime? Should you even have to go through this ordeal of re-living your past over and over. I don't think you should have to and neither does Islam recommend this. It is unhealthy and will depress you.

      OR,

      2) Should you face up and say to him: "Look, you know I had a past, although it was not serious, of course I feel guilty - thats because I am a Muslim. I want to leave it in the past and not go there again. I need to know that you are never going to bring this subject up again because everytime you do, it upsets me. If you are going to insist on asking detailed questions, it will keep hurting you and me. I really want to marry you, but if you still have niggling questions in your mind about my past, perhaps we need to re-think our future together".

      The thought of not being with this person may really upset you. But, this issue which many people are able to deal with, others cannot, and from what you say, I feel that your fiance is not able to deal with this in a healthy and balanced manner. He will keep at you until he pushes you to tell him exactly what you did in your physical relationships and it will spiral out or control - this is just my opinion. For me, the ideal husband is mentally strong enough and 'secure' enough to deal with such matters; he knows that perhaps something did happen in your past but he will never bother you about it. Instead he will let it rest and reassure you that he loves you for whom you are today and what you are today is because of your past experiences.

      *** Editors: I would like your views and opinions on this matter as I do not want to wrongly advise this sister in bringing up this topic with her fiance.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

      • As salamu alaykum,

        I think that Lotus has in her Heart the right path and the right answer to her question and she tells us about it in the last parragraph of her post, she loves him so much, in fact she loves him unconditionally, with real love, that she would be able of letting him go, just for him to find the woman she thinks he wants and deserves, insha´Allah.

        Lotus, just for the fact of thinking this way and feeling this way, I know you have already the straight seed in your Heart and that you won´t stand behind a lie, you are a straight woman and what I want to tell you is that if this man is not able to be with you, knowing you have a past, can be the best man on earth, but not for you, he doesn´t deserve you, and for sure, insha´Allah, you will find a man that will know how to appreciate your Straight, Loving, Respectful and Caring Heart, insha´Allah.

        My personal choice would be to bring forward all the issue, that I lied about my past but I would let very clear that, I repented and my past is between Allah(swt) and me, and because I love him so much, I let him go, I don´t want to be the cause of his suffering or cause myself or my future children suffering for being with a man that is so concerned about my past. This is my personal opinion about the situation, but only Lotus can do what she thinks is the best for both of them.

        Just one more thing, his "insecurity" is a red flag and your fear to be discovered awakes his "insecurity", do you want to suffer this all your life?

        Allah(swt) knows best.

        All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Maria, I agree with you (partially), thank you for bringing clarity to my thoughts.

          Lotus, since your fiance keeps asking you about your past, I would suggest you raise the issue, but with a degree of confidence and dignity. There is no need to go into any intricate details and tell him what you did and didnt do. That is none of his business and is between only Allah and you.

          Tell him that you made some mistakes, just as he did in his past. That you have felt extreme guilt and remorse and have made sincere tawbah to Allah and have enough faith and hope that He(swt) will forgive you. Tell him that you do not ever want to think about the past again as it upsets you and to keep digging it up is not healthy or from Islam.

          Tell him that although you yourself have moved on and become closer to Allah(swt) through your deen, you can see clearly that he(your fiance) has hang ups over your past and you do not want to live the rest of your life with this cloud of suspicion and doubt hanging over you. And for this reason, you are releasing him from this burdensome relationship.

          Let him go. If he is able to tackle 'his demons' when you are not around, he will come back to you and perhaps he will come back sincerely having moved past this issue. But until then, I would not feel comfortable marrying such a man and would not encourage you to do so either.

          Lotus, when you are inlove with someone, it is not easy to take rational steps because your heart and mind may conflict with each other. Try to listen to your reason and logic and ignore the thumping of your heart for a while. Also make Istikhara.

          Best Wishes,

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

          • I disagree with all answers above ...

            This is not the matter of insecurity .

            Tell me something . There is a guy who waited and protected himself from zina even though he had opportunities to do so but he didn't . He wanted to follow the command of Allah.As he is a virgin , don't he deserve a virgin ??

            Every one has their own requirements of choosing their spouse .. THIS IS NOT INSECURITY . It is really amusing that only women over here have labelled this problem as insecurity, while for men this is not a insecurity , it is a requirement . Muslim women must get this point through their head

            Secondly .... If a male who has incredibly high urges have protected himself then why can't the female protect her honor . If females over this website accuse a man who protected himself is asking a wife who also has protected herself as insecurity ,then I think the problem lies in the minds of those females who are saying that .

            I am sorry but what I can understand from these above post is that . Have a wild sexual behavior when you are young and then , when you want to settle down , repent , don't tell your spouse about your past .

            On a personal note . I think females who have posted above should avoid giving such advises . It really makes me curious that when I would get married , I would never know what my future wife did in her past . What if she has tasted the forbidden fruit , what if she is lying about her past . Frankly speaking such above advises really discourage men like me to keep themselves protected . Sometimes I think that I am missing a lot of fun before marriage.

          • As salamu alaykum, brother A muslim man,

            You have told us what you think and it is fair. Everyone has the right to know if they want to know, nothing wrong with it, here we advice to conceal your sins, but not lying about them, in many posts Wael has adviced to tell this women that have a past to admit they have it but they have it concealed between them and Allah(swt). This is fair. We have been maturing the way of approaching this situation to have the most balanced advice and to be fair to both sides, I learnt to advice if a woman has past to stay away from the man that asks her for her past or that ask her if she is virgin, because he deserves what he wants and she won´t ever feel comfortable lying (this is a sin itself).

            The fact here is that most of the men that has a past before marriage won´t talk about it, they conceal their sins by instinct, women talk about it, they need someone to tell them to conceal them, because their nature makes them talk. And who is going to know if a man is virgin, this goes both sides, many women discover they weren´t because they got a STD, we want to avoid this both sides.

            We encourage people to be tested, repent and stop sinning and to believe they will be able to find a spouse that will accept them, what I do believe from all my Heart. We cannot do anything with what is done already but we can wake up others that are on the doors of commiting zina not to do it.

            Brother, zina is not fun, I´ve just see tears of blood all around in those Hearts that are awake when they commit this sin. When you propose you should ask and if she lies, Allah(swt) forbids, you will know what to do at the right moment.

            All my Unconditional Respect,

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Brother, zina is not fun, I´ve just see tears of blood all around in those Hearts that are awake when they commit this sin. When you propose you should ask and if she lies, Allah(swt) forbids, you will know what to do at the right moment.

          I assume you live in North America . Here , we have 95% pre-marital sex rate . Yes 95% , which also includes muslims . When I see this figure and all the questions posted on this website , it really makes me hopeless and discouraged . I was very optimistic of muslim women . I thought that they were not one of those who would surrender themselves but now I have realized the truth .

          I know that I have little or no chance of getting what I deserve ... I would probably end up with some one who was used and abused......

          Nevertheless thank you for you reply ....

          • As salamu alaykum, brother A muslim man,

            I am european, I don´t know the statistics but probably close to those too, but this 5% today may touch many Hearts tomorrow, insha´Allah.

            Focus on the 5% and may Allah(swt) help those 95% to get the courage to learn and to help others to avoid zina, insha´Allah.

            The people that comes here, has problems and needs solutions, not everybody is reflected on this site, Alhamdulillah.

            Keep the Light of Hope shining in your Heart, this way the woman you deserve will be able to see you in the middle of millions, insha´Allah. Trust Allah(swt), He(swt) listens and knows all.

            I have hope for our youth, I don´t throw the towel, I focus on the 5%, maybe tomorrow will be a 5.001 %, and in a year 5. 01% that deserves my efforts.

            All my Unconditional Respect,

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • A Muslim Man. I do understan that you are upset about the sister not being a virgin, but I believe you have read her story wrong. The sister clearly stated that "I have asked him about his past, but inside I know he hasn't been as bad as I have. Infact, whatever his past secrets are it doesn't bother me in the slightest." No where did she say that her fiance is a virgin for you to get fired up about this issue and accuse others of giving wrong advice. Please make sure you read correctly and reply with a clear and calm mind.

            I agree with you that both man and woman should protect themselves. A virgin deserves a virgin. However, keep in mind that whomever Allah has chosen for you, is the right person for you. Whoever he or she may be. You cannot question Allah's decision.

            For your sake, I do hope that you remain a virgin and not allow what goes on in the world to affect you. "Frankly speaking such above advises really discourage men like me to keep themselves protected . Sometimes I think that I am missing a lot of fun before marriage." You have chosen to be pure for the Allah, not for people. So if others are committing such sins, it does not become an EXCUSE for you to commit those same sins and expect Allah to forgive you.

            Please speak/type/advice when you are calm and make decisions for yourself when you are calm. You will regret anything you do in anger or inspite of someone else.

            Iman

          • "You have chosen to be pure for the Allah, not for people. So if others are committing such sins, it does not become an EXCUSE for you to commit those same sins and expect Allah to forgive you."

            MashaAllah, beautiful statement Iman.

          • Salam,

            There's no excuse for zina. Just stay away AMAP. The should marry a wife AFAP. Be pure and Allah will grant you a pure wife.

      • What do you expect from this guy? She sweared on Quran that she had not intimate Sex, but she had. Nice how deceving someone is justified by Quran. May Allah grant this guy a way out of this Situation. If she falsely takes an oath on Quran, she has no respect of God. These women will hide the fact, that they have cheated in the marriage. She is cheater and deserves a cheater for a marriage. You can break the concealment as long it does matter someone else and if you don't than you haves deceived someone.

        • You are 100 % right, she shouldn't take oath when she knew she was not truthful.

          However, she has all the right to conceal her past without lying to him.
          She could tell him, without going into any details, that she has her mistakes and that she has repented to Allah and she doesn't want to talk about the past, and if he really loves her he shouldn't ask her about that again.

          The worst thing to do is to tell him exactly what happen, this will just (literally) destroy him , and destroy the relationship sooner or later
          .
          If he insist on knowing, maybe it is better to re-evaluate this relationship altogether.

          in the eyes of Allah, "Th one who repents from a sin, is like the one who has no sin at all".

          Please stay away from zina, May Allah safeguard all our sisters and brother from all harm.

  6. Sister,

    You do not need to reveal anything to him. "Let sleeping dogs lie". If he does bring the topic up again then ask him. Will this change the way you love me? will this have any effect on our relationship. Tell him that it's in the past and that you don't want to remind yourself of the past. In order for you'll to have a happy future together, he needs to let go of the past. This isn't going to help your relationship in the future. It's just going to bring you'll misery.

    Rumaysa

  7. pls go and tell him everything before he force you to say every thing...i lost my guy today because i lied to him since 3 months about my past.........after he left me i told him and its of no use. if i had tell him the truth the very first time he asked me about my past he hadnt left me...............you know i want to die now coz he doesnt accept me not because of my past but because i lied to him the every time he asked me to tell the truth........ pls go tell him he will accept you whole heartedly if you tell by yourself.............if he gets to know it from outside he will leave you and you will be alone ....................pls make up your relationship....................if you tell him he will surely accept you sister...................pls make up your relationship..dontbe a loser like meeeeeeeeeee..............and please contact m on ******@yahoo.com..........i want to tell about my relationship the same as yours.........and please pray to almighty allah that i get my guy back again................

    • Izzra,

      I have deleted your email address as I do not think you are giving balanced advice. Every situation is different. If you are feel that you are dying over your 'ex' (especially someone as you have described) and you also think that you will never find anyone again, I can only say that you are suffering from an 'Un-sound heart', a spiritual disease of the heart.

      If you have advice to offer, please offer it publicly here.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

    • As salamu alaykum izzra,

      Have you thought about praying to Allah(swt) to forgive you, to help you to forgive yourself and to help you to prepare yourself to find the right person for you, instead of trying to impose your will to get what you want, have you thought that maybe what you want it is not the best for you, only Allah(swt) knows what is the best for you, Alhamdulillah.

      You are not a looser, you are straight woman that did the right thing to do, you deserve all my respect and, of course, my support throught this difficult time for you. And I think that if he was not able to see who you really are, he doesn´t deserve you.

      You know why you lied, you lied to him because you were scared of his rejection, you felt guilty about your past and your way of surviving was to lye about it. When you felt confident he could love you enough to forgive you, you told him the truth, then you are a wonderful human being that had a wound in her heart and was scared of being hurt again, but I think you have learnt the lesson, Alhamdulillah.

      You deserve the best, have you done tawbah sincerely? Have you looked for refuge in the Only One?
      then my beloved sister, I encourage you to do your prayers consciously and with all your Heart in it and ask Allah(swt) to comfort you in your pain and to help you to deal with all your situation. Give all the love that you feel for this man to Allah(swt), He won´t ever fail you, if you go to Him walking, He would go to you, running, insha´Allah.

      Barak Allah Feekum.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Salam-Alaikum,
    Though many of the sisters have called your finace insecure for asking this. I think you should not consider it insecurity its the 'nature'(for lack of good word) of person or something else. I am saying this for two reasons.
    1- You might think its his insecurity and insecurities can change into securities after a period of time. Therefore you might not give much weight to his 'nature' of asking questions. Some humans want to dig more some don't. I think it has nothing to do with insecurity/confidence.
    2- Also asking questions does not relate to insecurity as by this definition of insecurity perhaps the most secure men are those who let their wives do whatever is possible out there. [I don't want to mention all the whatevers]

    I don't know what you have done in your past and neither want to know. But sometimes its also possible that we do somethings wrong and we consider them really really wrong. Since thats the only wrong which we have done. And for a person who has seen all kinds of wrong that might not seem to be that wrong. Therefore there is also one possibility that it might not bother him much.

    Also, even on this forum people have the problem that their wife after getting married to them is still thinking of her old flame. Perhaps this is the reason he wants to know if you have any 'old flame' .

    You mentioned in the question that you asked this guy about his past and then you say that you don't care. If you don't care why did you ask? Now if he is asking the questions why is it suddenly so wrong? I am saying this because if you hadn't then you could have simply said to him. Lets not dig the pasts etc.

    Overall I do agree that, one do not need to tell ones fault to anybody. One only needs mercy from Allah. And you are not liable to tell this guy anything. And yes these small things can cause problems in future if not handled properly.

    regards,

    • Concerned,
      I agree with you somewhat with your post but I'd just like to point out one thing, there is not a single person who has not committed zina (i.e. : zina of the eyes, zina of the mouth, zina of the hands, zina of the heart, zina of the mind, etc). Almost everyone has a past to varying degrees, but let's assume someone has done something years a go like for instance they were intimate with a girl, then they realize how wrong they were, they cried and sincerely repentend to Allah swt and never walked that path again, then wouldnt it be better to close the chapter of one's life?
      I for one personally would not want to know my potential husband's past. As long as I see that he is now a man suitable for me, who I can trust, who is of strong character and deen, etc, then I would like to stay content with that. My family can do some background check and if all is clear, than Bismillah I would resume with the proposal. Women are very jealous creatures at times and I know if I were to find out something from the past, it would keep eating me like a termite and I never want to go there (Allah forbid). I know that he is now mine and he will be loyal with me inshAllah, that's enough, no need to dig old graves. But again, that's just me. I just feel it's not right to go through anyone's past and find out who they liked, how long, how initimate, etc etc. It'll just bring pain to the person and onself. People change, deen flactuates, the person may not have been a practicing Muslim in the past but now is.

      Sisterz hit the point when she stated: "For me, the ideal husband [or wife] is mentally strong enough and 'secure' enough to deal with such matters; he knows that perhaps something did happened in your past but he will never bother you about it."
      That is always what I want from my potential husband INSHALLAH, that he is mature enough and is mentally strong to know that the past remains the past and there is no need to go there because she is mine today, tomorrow, and till the end, inshAllah.

      • Sister,
        I think jealously for one'e partner is present in both men and women.

        "Women are very jealous creatures at times and I know if I were to find out something from the past, it would keep eating me like a termite and I never want to go there (Allah forbid)."

        Yes, the difference here is of approach. Some people are willing to put their concerns on the back burner for time being unless they don't come forward in your life. And if they'll come how will you deal....some people can consider this a less responsible approach. And they might want to tackle the problems head on. They might want to get an idea of things before committing to anything which In my opinion shows responsibility. Then again it depends how do you approach the problem.

        Also, among women I don't know how previous relationships of husbands are discussed. But some men tend to flaunt their sins with women and when they flaunt and something reaches to a husband directly/indirectly situations can instantaneously get out of control.

        As far as this statement is concerned:
        "For me, the ideal husband [or wife] is mentally strong enough and 'secure' enough to deal with such matters; he knows that perhaps something did happened in your past but he will never bother you about it."

        I assume a muslim husband is implicit. But dealing with such matters is not simple and I think that is the reason some men tend to get the idea of the 'storm' to come. And imaginations can bring really bad possibilities in such scenario. Also I think these properties of a 'secure' and 'strong' husband can be easily found in a person having no ghairah or a person having 'gairah' but who does not give a damn about his wife. If a wife wants her husband to have ghairah for her (which i think is good if its balanced within islam) and she wants her to be 'strong enough' for her; if problems come in. Then I think one should tell if the husband is really ASKING.

        Though I still maintain, that covering the sins is the best thing. And is the ideal case. But if things are not ideal and your husband to be is insisting than instead of hiding and putting a cover on things one should either tell him(if you really want to be with him and if he tells his past) or silently part ways.

        regards,

    • Salaam. I dont think the 'fiancee' is a bad guy in any way. I'm sure he does love her. But two people can be great individually, but not compatible. Or they may get on well, but there could be a big 'compatibility timebomb' (i.e him getting her to swear) ticking away - and 'love' can make both of them not see it! Im sure he's a nice guy - but him not being able to deal with her past means that he may not be the best guy for her.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Very well said Sara, maashaAllah.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

      • I really can't understand the logic behind this theory .

        • A compatibility timebomb is basically something which over time may become a problem but may not be one now. In the first stages of getting to know someone we might let certain things slide (because we are on our best behaviour).
          For example: marrying someone of a different religion could be a big compatibility timebomb. You might get on amazingly now, and be great together but the as time goes on, crazy love fades into comfortable love and differences get greater and greater.

          So e.gs of compatibility timebombs are things like disagreeing on important things, a very large age difference etc.

  9. Have you asked him for details about his past? Tell him that if you two are at the point of getting married, this should not matter. If he insists, then I feel like you should tell him. I will get bashed for this, but imagine yourself in his shoes. Let us say you want to know a guy's past before you decide if you want to marry him. Would you like it if he lied that he did nothing while he actually did a lot? It is better to start off clean in a relationship.

  10. Aslam o alaykum

    Sisters, its something very sensitive. not every girl is a good Muslim before doing sin.. being human we are always welcoming mistakes. in this time when in our society Parents are not training their daughters well about Islam and how they should keep them self in the outer society, these mistakes are sure. many of us are not good Muslims. there are always good and bads in our life. sometime we are fortunate enough to get to know the right path for us and keep ourselves away from sins but mostly its not the case. well if after performing sins, you realized your wrongs and then it brings you closer to Allah, then nothing better could happen. Allah love you, he always love his men for asking him for forgiveness. He said I am GAFOOR, when my man did a sin and come back to me then I will be happy as he know that I am here to listen him and forgive him. Now it is matter between you and Allah. I know you are still in an exam. but don't end up here. you have to struggle. ask Allah for help again and again. he will definitely find a path for you.

    As for the questioning of your fiancée is concerned, its in nature of man. women used to forgive those to whom they love by their heart, but Man never forgive. those who know, how to love and trust they dont even bother it. I will suggest you don't disclose anything.. Allah is hiding your sin and he will help you in that. just take some time and c what will happened. during this time keep asking Allah for help. Just be confident and don't think that you are lying. you are doing what you should do. its life and you have full right to live it. its only Allah who would decide your fate. no man has the right to ask you what you were and why you did it? no man has the right to punish you.

    Life is so precious, don't waste it in paining urself for nothing. use it to do all good. I will say again, be confident, there is Allah to help you.

    My all prayers are with you

  11. he derserves not to be lied to...

    • Agreed..

        • Noapologies, if that's what you understood then you did not read those articles carefully. Lying is not allowed in Islam and no one has advocated or encouraged lying. There's a difference between lying, and declining to answer questions about one's past.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salam Brother Wael,

            but did you read the article on onislam.com. This wife has willfully decept his husband. Does the husband deserves to be a doormate? Really, this makes me sad. If she would be honest and just tell her past her husband, there would not be a problem. If he can accept, he can accept, if he can't, he can't.

            This is for me like a article of a contract you haven't signed. You have been willfully decepted (or cheated on). Sorry, but this is a sign of hypocrite. Why must she punish her future husband.

            I know, that this marriage was going to break. Because marriages made with lies are going break down.

            And if she lies here, why should she not lie and decept somewhere else. She probably will. There cannot be a justifaction for lying (not even Allahs cover, which is made for other purposes).

            I, personally, would even marry a zani, but she must be honest. If she is not honest, that she will probably cheat on me secretly.

            And if you all want to end zina, then we need to get married earlier. But what do we do? We make it harder

            Example:
            Mahr
            Engagment
            Expensive marriages
            Marriages with more than wife are looked bad
            Fatwas, which make it impossible to trust someone

            You can't get married, before you spent 7500 Pounds

            And what do you say to that Fetwa:
            ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
            http://islamqa.info/en/175536

            I had an affair with a guy a week to my wedding with a different person.Some months later I discovered that Im pregnant for the first guy not my husband.I had a miscarriage and later became pregant for my husband.Uptil now nobody knew about this,at times i feel like confessing but he esitat .
            My question here is please how valid is my marriage and how does this affect my child islamically?.

            Praise be to Allaah.
            Firstly:

            If this immoral action came after the marriage contract was done, even if it was before the wedding party, then this marriage of yours is valid but you have to repent from this sin that you fell into.

            Ibn Qudaamah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

            If the wife of a man commits zina, or her husband commits zina, the marriage contract is not rendered invalid, whether that happens before or after consummation, according to the opinion of most of the scholars.

            End quote from al-Mughni, 9/565

            Secondly:

            If this zina took place before the marriage contract was done, the marriage contract is not valid unless it was done after establishing that there was no pregnancy by waiting for one menstrual cycle, according to the more correct opinion.

            Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

            Marriage to a zaaniyah (a woman who has committed fornication) is haraam until she repents, whether the one who committed zina with her is the bridegroom himself or someone else. This is the correct opinion beyond a doubt, and it is the opinion of a number of the earlier and later scholars, including Ahmad ibn Hanbal and others. Many of the earlier and later scholars were of the view that it is permissible, and this is the view of the three, but Maalik stipulated that it should be established that there is no pregnancy by waiting for one menstrual cycle, and Abu Haneefah regarded it as permissible to do the marriage contract before waiting for one menstrual cycle if she is pregnant, however if she is pregnant it is not permissible to have intercourse with her until she gives birth. Ash-Shaafa‘i regarded it as permissible to do the marriage contract and to have intercourse in all cases, because the water (semen) of the zaani has no value in sharee‘ah and the ruling is that no child is to be attributed to him. This is his justification for his opinion. Abu Haneefah differentiated between the one who is pregnant and the one who is not, because if (the husband) has intercourse with the one who is pregnant, he will be attributing to himself a child who definitely is not his, which is different from the case of one who is not pregnant. Maalik and Ahmad stipulated that it should be established that there is no pregnancy (by waiting for one menstrual cycle), which is the correct view. But Maalik and Ahmad, according to another report, stipulated that it should be established that there is no pregnancy by waiting for one menstrual cycle. The other report from Ahmad is that which is followed by many of his companions such as al-Qaadi Abu Ya‘la and his followers, which is that it is essential to wait for three menstrual cycles. However the correct view is that all that is required is to establish that there is no pregnancy (by waiting for one menstrual cycle). End quote.

            Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa, 32/110

            Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said in ash-Sharh al-Mumti‘ (13/382): Rather the opinion narrated from Abu Bakr and a number of the Sahaabah (may Allah be pleased with them) is that there is no ‘iddah at all for the woman who committed zina, and there is no requirement to establish that there is no pregnancy, especially if she has a husband, because of the words of the Messenger (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him): “The infant is to be attributed to the husband of the woman (who gave birth to him).” Rather if a man knows that his wife has committed zina – Allah forbid – and has repented, he should have intercourse with her immediately, so that no doubt will remain in his heart in the future as to whether she became pregnant as a result of zina or not. If he has intercourse with her immediately, the child will be assumed to be from the husband and not from the zaani (adulterer).

            But if the woman who committed zina (fornication) did not have a husband, it is essential to establish that there is no pregnancy by waiting for one menstrual cycle, according to the correct opinion. End quote.

            Thirdly:

            Because this issue is the subject of a considerable difference of opinion among the scholars, and because annulling the marriage and admitting zina after this length of time will lead to a great deal of trouble and disclosing that which Allah had concealed for you, and will expose you to turmoil, we think – and Allah knows best – that in this case you do not have to tell your husband about what happened in order to renew the marriage contract. In the other scholarly opinion mentioned above, according to which some of the scholars are of the opinion that it is not essential to establish that there is no pregnancy, there is some leeway.

            This, as we have said, applies if the zina took place before the marriage contract was done and before it was established that there was no pregnancy.

            As Allah has concealed you, you must also conceal yourself and do not breach the concealment of Allah. al-Bukhaari (6069) and Muslim (2990) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly, and it is part of committing sin openly for a man to do something at night, then in the morning when his Lord has concealed him he says: O So and so, I did such and such last night, when his Lord had concealed him all night, but in the morning he discloses that which Allaah had concealed for him.”

            And Muslim (2590) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allaah does not conceal a person in this world but Allaah will conceal him on the Day of Resurrection.”

            Al-Bayhaqi (18056) narrated from Ibn ‘Umar that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said, after the stoning of al-Aslami: “Avoid this filth that Allah has forbidden, and whoever falls into it, let him conceal himself with the concealment of Allah, may He be glorified and exalted.”

            Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Saheehah (663).

            Fourthly:

            Your son is a legitimate son of your husband, and there is no problem concerning him, in sha Allah.

            With regard to the foetus whom you aborted, if that happened before the soul was breathed into him – i.e., before four months – then there is no expiation or diyah required for him. However you are required to repent, feel regret and pray for forgiveness.

            If that happened after four months, then you have to pay the diyah and offer expiation.

            The diyah is to free a male or female slave; if that is not possible then you must pay the equivalent, which is five camels.

            With regard to the expiation, it is to free a slave. If that is not possible, then you must fast for two consecutive months.

            See also the answer to question no. 106448

            And Allah knows best.

            ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            This wife of him had an affair one week before the weeding. Come on and now she want's to claim to lover her husband. These kind of people are probably cheating again.

            But I am happy for this guy anyway. In hereafter is payday...

  12. Salam,

    As we're all entitled to our own opinion... If you don't feel comfortable on telling him then simply don't tell him. The way I look at it is pretty much the past is the past. There's no need to bring it up even to your future husband. Like everyone normally says we all tend to make mistakes, but in the end we learn from our mistakes. As you know we're all human beings. I mean think about it, if you haven't made those previous mistakes... Who would you be today? I really believe that everything that you've done int he past makes you who you are today. It teaches you to be a better person, teaches you to respect yourself, respect your family, most importantly Allah (SWT) & Islam itself. Just simply tell him that there's no need to bring up the past because the past has nothing to do with your present nor future. The only thing he should be thinking about is today & the future. He should accept you for you & appreciate everything that's given to him. Including you. Even if you were to tell him about your past... What difference is that going to make for you & him? Personally... if you were to bring it up it'll only cause conflict between both parties. I'm not saying to lie to him about your past. I'm just telling you if you don't want to talk about it then tell him to leave it in the past. I hope the best for you & your guy. inshAllah khair. Continue to pray to Allah (SWT). He never fails to guide you to the right path & remember He is the only one that knows what's best for you.

    Paligirl23

  13. Many of the sisters here have said to conceal your past, not to tell him anything. But I think that is unfair on him and if you do love him you wouldn't lie like that.

    Sisters here say that your fiancé is insecure, I dont think it has anything to do with that.

    I'm a 22 year old guy, I've never been intimate with a girl, when I decide to get married I want a girl who is the same, who has protected her chastity to the same degree. It means a great deal to me, the way I see it is if I can control myself from committing those sins then I'd want to marry a girl who can aswell, If I married a girl who said she was chaste, but later found out she lied and had intimate relationships before marriage, I would probably divorce her, if not that I would feel betrayed and would not see my wife the same way, not so much because of her relationships, but because of the lie.

    Yes I agree we all have committed Zina in some form or another but let's not try to make out that they are all the same.

    I'll make two points

    1. If he's made you swear your 'purity' it obviously means a great deal to him, if he wants a chaste wife that's completely within his right and he should not be cheated from it.

    2. Your better off telling him the truth and if he truly loves you then he'll get over it and marry you, but if he calls off the marriage, it would be better for him to find out now in the early stages than in the future.

  14. Brother "A Muslim Man,"
    I understand what you are saying because when I marry, I would want the man to be honest with me. However, since Z and I have already have set our minds on maybe not marrying someone who is "impure," then what is the point of us embarrassing the guy/girl by making them spill it all out? I don't think they should lie or anything like that. I just think that if a person is asked about his or her past, s/he should either say, "Yes, I've sinned in the past but have repented, Alhamdulilah." There is no need for them to tell us wht exactly they did because: A)If this person has changed, just talking about it is humiliating to him/her.
    and B) Chances are that when people ask us why we didn't marry him/her, we might feel the need to explain why, which will give the girl, or guy, a bad name in the community.

    I don't think people should be lied to, but I don't think that we have the right to interrogate the prospective spouses either. If they feel the need to tell us everything they will, but most of the time that just kills any chance the relationship had. Allahu Alam.

    • I never said that I want to know exactly what happened .I am just trying to say that people must tell their prospective spouse that they committed zina/sin in their past and are not virgin . Thats it ...full stop. People must not lie about their past .

      However I partially agree to your post .

    • I agree with you sister, there is no need to go into detail it is embarrassing, personally I think if your potential spouse would have a problem with your past your better off walking away. I'm actually quite suprised with the amount of people saying to conceal their past and start a marriage on lies, it's a shame.

  15. Why do you seem like you want to argue with everyone? I never suggested that you wanted details. I was just telling you my perspective. And saying you are not a virgin is worse than any details, lol. If someone says they have sinned in the past, you already know what it is like. No need to have her admit what she did since you still won't marry her if she ever had a boyfriend, so just saying I have sinned should be sufficient.

  16. Brothers and sisters,
    I think the two most important things to take from this whole post is this:

    1.) Everyone sins and those who have sinned severely should ask for sincere repentance and never turn that path again and those who have not or are tempted to should take pre-marital relationships as a serious wake up call looking at the after-math results it gives you (negative results!)

    2.) If your potential spouse places a high value on chastity and has been chaste all their life then it is best that you leave from their life (without exposing your sin and belittling yourself). This is because the person who has protected themselves all their lives and stresses on chastity is someone you know will have a hard time accepting your past if it is to be revealed in any way, Allah forbid.

    There are many chaste brother and sisters who do not question the past so there is still some hope. I am just stressing about those brothers and sisters whose requirement is: no past, period. It's better to steer away now than to live in fear and if Allah forbid your past is revealed, like most of these people have claimed they would end up divorcing their partner for their repented past. Is it not better to leave respectfully and feel secure with someone else who you know is not interested in your past rather than your present, who you are now?

    So do yourselves and these brother and sisters a favour: leave them respectfully and allow them to find their desired partner and insAllah you will also find a better match for yourself.

    -Helping Sister

  17. I felt like sharing something I read on an Islamic website.
    The Prophet (PBUH) said: "He who was humble for the sake of God by one degree, God (SWT) would then elevate them to a degree till they reach the uppermost of high Orders, and he who was arrogant to God (SWT), God (SWT) would then lower him for a degree till he reaches the lowest of low Orders", (Narrated by: Muslim (Hadeeth: 6535).

    Al-Nawawi said:

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:“And no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah will raise him (in status).”

    Humbleness is to know the value of oneself, to avoid pride, or disregarding the truth and underestimating people. As the Prophet sallallahu`alaihi wa sallam said, according to Muslim and others, "Al-Kibr is rejecting the truth and looking down upon people" [Muslim, Tirmidhi and Abu Dawud].

    Humbleness is for one who is important and significant and he fears to gain notoriety or to become too great among people. Humbleness is that one should humble himself with his companions. Humbleness is to humble oneself to one who is below you. If you find someone who is younger than you, or of less importance than you, you should not despise him, because he might have a better heart than you, or be less sinful, or closer to Allah than you. Even if you see a sinful person and you are righteous, do not act in arrogance towards him, and thank Allah that He saved you from the tribulation that He put him through.

    Remember that there might be some riyaa' or vanity in your righteous deeds that may cause them to be of no avail, and that this sinful person may be regretful and fearful concerning his bad deeds, and this may be the cause of forgiveness of his sins.

    Humbleness is that your deed should not become too great in your eyes. If you do a good deed, or attempt to get closer to Allah ta`ala through an act of obedience, your deed may still not be accepted, "Allah only accepts from those who have taqwa (fear of Allah)." (Surat al-Maida: 27)

    It's hard to accept the bitter reality. However, to all brothers and sisters who have harsh thinking an feelings towards other person please let Allah knows what is right and what is wrong for someone who committed a sin.
    We are no one to judge them. If one day you get. A slap on your face and you have realized how wrong you were and you ask for forgiveness and follow the right part. We should not let that person feel more guilty by keep telling them how better we are then you because you committed a sin.
    Why don't we let Allah decides what is good for them and what is not.

  18. I have an interesting story. About three years ago, I met an Egyptian American online. He seemed to be quite a practicing muslim, very devout and devoted to Islam. We were thousands of miles apart so we communicated by email and telephone. There was no question that he wanted to keep our communications within Islamic boundaries. He told me that he had had a pre-marital relationship with his non-muslim ex wife, which he regretted. I appreciated his honesty. He then asked me about my past, and was absolutely shocked when I told him I had never had a boyfriend. He even insinuated that there was something wrong with me and that I was very unusual for having stayed chaste all these years and never given in to temptations.

    Really, as a muslim woman, you can never win with some guys. He appeared to share the same values as I, but at the end of the day he made me feel like a freak for being true to my values, while wanting a gold medal for being oh-so-religious himself.

    • Precious Star,
      It’s unfortunate but in today’s society rarely anyone has a “clean” past (meaning no past). Therefore when people hear that so and so was never in a relationship, it’s hard for many people to swallow.

      Alhumdulillah you should be very proud of yourself indeed (not arrogant though; I’m sure you’re not :)) and stay true to your deen. Don’t let people take you astray or belittle you. You are on the right track and inshAllah you will be rewarded for it.

      Finally, for those who have sinned, do not despair as Allah swt bestows a test upon all His slaves. Some experience their test through chastity, while others through losses of lives, wealth, children, etc so no one is free of sin. What distinguishes a believer from a non-believer though is one who realizes their sin and sincerely repents from it.

      -Helping Sister

      • Subhaan Allah. Good words Helping Sister.

        But email and phone conversations also build up something 🙂 if not everything.

        Salaam,
        Your brother.

        • I agree, thank you so much for your wise words Helping Sister.

          But Brother Munib, I don't understand your comment, that email and telephone conversations "build up to everything."

          • Assalamu alaykum Precious Star,

            Forgive me if it conveyed to you some wrong meaning.

            You mentioned a point of email and phone conversations due to miles apart distance, but nowadays people who live a few miles away also do the same and it may lead to "something" happening between two non mahram persons.

            If it did not happen in your case, you should rejoice for Allah saving you from it, but people around the world have tasted the ill effects of it as well.

            May Allah keep you protected from the devil and help you to be on His Path, Insha Allah.

            Salaam,
            Your brother.

          • JazkAllah khair brother Muniib and it is no problem Precious Star 🙂

            -Helping Sister

  19. Without even offering my own opinion, Without a doubt one of the single most upsetting threads to read on this website. Everyone shouting out jahil opinions (probably reflective of their own pasts) without any evidence of what the Quran or Sunnah has to say. Assuming men are so and so and women are so and so.

    I'll say this much, it's both a man and a woman's right and practical preference to choose a spouse who has had a sense of taqwa in their halal relationships and muslim life, instead of throwing away ideals fundamental to them for a moment of pleasure

  20. Salam alaykum everyone, I looks to me that it's a battle of the sexes. I had similar experience with the author of this post. Growing up in the west both men an women gets exposed and when girls are young innocent n naive a young boy her age might take advantage of her. But what I find completely hypocritical it's the notion that a man can do whatever he he likes n sin as much as he want but somehow it's their god given right to marry a virgin. At the end of the Allah mention in Surat bakarah chaste women for chaste men and vice n versa. This guy wanted to marry me but he Asked me if I was a virgin, I told him the truth because I don't believe in lying and when I asked him if he was he told me he was a virgin and we really concerned about my past and I was hurt and humiliated. But he later told me he was not a virgin after he realised how guilty felt and ashamed of my past mistakes. But although he committed zina so many times when I did it once and have not completed the whole act cos I felt so bad he did not want to marry. It took me a long time to get over this and refused any proposal from any more men I did not want to go through that again. How do we know if ur fiancé is a virgin himself? Sister you need to be extremely careful your sins is between you and Allah and know one deserves to know because I Allah concealed your sin for you and forgive but you tell someone else on the day of judgement it will be used against you. I am not asking you I lie because lying is haram in Islam but you have don't have to marry him. Pray istikarah and if it meant to be it will be if Allah destined you with his man you will find a way to deal with this issue. There is a stigma behind women that are not virgin and it about time people learnt the deen a bit more because there is no sin big enough for Allah He is the all merciful Al Rahman Al Rahim.

  21. Hello Lotus,

    I will share my experience with you and you decide what is best for you and your situation. I have been in the same exact situation as you. I began going astray because of situations I put myself in which then altered my path for a few years. I had never really asked for forgiveness and I believe that is why Allah put the wrong men in my path. The details of my incidents are not important, but I did come to a point where I stepped back and decided I needed to change myself and my life. I repented from my heart and asked for forgiveness from Allah. I believe that when I asked for true forgiveness from my heart, Allah then brought my fiance into my life. A good human being and a man of God.

    I began my relationship by telling my now fiance that I had a past and that I was in 2 relationships and am not a virgin. Before I could share further information about 3 more men that I was involved with only once with each, he told me that my past was irrelivent and that he does not need to know. My fiance is not local, but being of the same culture, the world does become a rather small place where you somehow end up knowing everyone else. By the time I should have shared my past with him, I was too ashamed and too much in love with him which made it extremely difficult. So I began lying to hide my past. One lie led to another and another. Soon I was lying to cover up another lie. The past started coming in between us and fights & arguments became part of our relationship. At one point, one of my exes tried to contact me via another friend. Through her, he found out I was engaged and began stalking her so he could get to me. When I found out that he was not leaving her alone, I took the matter in my own hands and got his number from her and decided to call him. I called him and tried to speak calmly to tell him to leave me and my friends alone. When that didn't get through to him, I lost my temper and yelled at him. I told him to stop inquiring about me because I was engaged. So you see, the past will come back to haunt you at some point, no matter how much you try to conceal it. So when my fiance asked me if any of my exes had contacted me, I couldn't lie about that and told him. He was very upset and our fights began then and hasn't stopped since. That was 7 months ago. All of a sudden my fiance began having doubts and his soul was uneasy, because he sensed I was hiding something. I believe this happens when you become closer to God and more in tune with your soul. I tried my best to hide my past by lying again and again to the point when I no longer could lie. We are about 5 months away from our wedding and I finally broke down. I told him the truth. I didn't want him to find out from anyone else so I told him everything myself. The truth has broken him now. I should have told him at the beginning and allowed him to make his decision then when he was not so emotionally attached or in love with me. I could have spared him then. Because when I did tell him of my 2 relationships and the fact that I was not a virgin, HE DID ACCEPT MY PAST AND ME. So you see, he is not an unreasonable person.

    However, when you keep the truth from them and they do find out somehow, either from you or someone else, that will destroy his trust in you. He feels that I have betrayed him because I lied. Even though the lies were so I could hide my past. He deserved the truth at the beginning. I have hurt my fiance immensely and will never forgive myself. Although, I did not do it intentionally. I didn't lie to him so that I may find someone to marry me. I began lying to conceal my past and that was the wrong thing to do. Now I pay for the consequences. I see him suffering at my hands and it's tearing me apart to see him heartbroken. I have killed his spirit and broken him. Even though I tried to protect him from the truth of my past because I knew it would hurt him, I ended up hurting him with the truth months later. THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE MORE THE TRUTH WILL HURT HIM. Because he gets attached to you more and more every day.

    My fiance does ask detailed questions about each one and it's very embarrassing for me to share it WITH HIM. I feel so ashamed of my life before my fiance came into my life. And it's extremely difficult sharing the information with him because I love him. Perhaps, it's easier to tell a stranger, but not the one you love and care for. So the questions will be there I assure you.

    I don't know if we will survive this. He still says he loves me, but that he's extremely hurt and I understand what he's going through. I too love him dearly and hope that we survive this test. If not (God forbid) I will live with this mistake for the rest of my life. I pray that we survive this test and we get married, but only God knows what He has planned for the both of us.

    You cannot keep the truth from him for your selfish reasons because you do not want to lose him. If he is meant to be yours, God will either keep him in your life or bring him back into your life at some point. If not, he was never yours to begin with. That is why I told my fiance. If you love him and he loves you as you say you do, then trust your love. If he walks away from you, know that that is the best for him. You must do what is best for the one you love, not yourself.

    I love my fiance more than anyone or anything in this world. I want him happy and I want him to be at peace again. Even if that means removing myself from his life. His happiness is my happiness. I love him with all my heart and soul and wish the best for him in this life and the next Inshallah.

    The decision lies in my fiances' hands, but our destiny was already written by Allah.

    Iman

  22. Salaam Iman,
    Thanks for sharing your story. However, i'm afraid that if one were to come clean, the man would not only reject her, but spread that personal info to other ppl. The latter is what's terrifying.

    • To clarify the matter. No one is required to go over their sins. Especially say a revert, whose sins are before Islam.

      Here is some sound advice:

      That being said a virgin is preferred for a virgin. If you don't fit the criteria but you believe your spouse does, give another reason for the rejection. Move on with life. Anyone who is stalking you/requiring you to go over your past is making you remove the cover that Allah SWT Himself has put on your sins

  23. Dear sister do repent sincerely to Allah .. Offer tahajud recite astagfar as much as u can .. And Allah has brought your fiancée for a good reason because you are worthy for him.. Allah knew about you more than you... So repent and move ahead conceal the truth with concealment of Allah.. Allah has prohibited to spread about one's sins to others ... So the thoughts you getting is he needs pure wife n all its not your business .. For pairs are made in heaven sol your thinking is evil whisperings .. Ignore them its hard but sister faith believe will make u move.. I m suffering from psychological issues due to the similar situations pray for me too but I m moving ahead with faith let happen anything my Allah will be with me

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