Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell to my fiance about my past?


I am 23 years old. I live in New Zealand and I am studying at university. When I was at school I had boyfriend and we knew each other for five years. I lost my virginity to him. My parents were not happy with my boyfriend so they did not want us to marry. I still know him, we talk with each other as friends. As I went to university I got engaged with someone else as my parents choice and he lives in US.

When we got engaged my fiance asked me if I had any relationship before with anyone so I said no, and if I am virgin and I said yes. I lied to him, and few months ago I found a specialist doctor to do surgery to become virgin again and I did it. I paid so much money for it so that I will bleed on my wedding night. I hope I will bleed because I don't know if the doctor did it properly, otherwise it will be a shame.

My fiance works in the military and when he goes out to his job/service he cant talk to me for like three or four months because he does not have the access to internet or anything thats what he is telling me but I don't know if he is telling me the truth or if he is lying to me.

I got so tired of this I do love him so much but sometimes I feel like we should just break up because he doesn't care about me and he talks to me only after three or four months which makes me think he does not love me. I feel so depressed, I don't have anyone to talk to. I dont know what to do. Should I tell my fiance everything about my past or not? Please help me out, I feel so depressed and guilty. Everday when I pray to God I ask for forginess for my zina. At night I could not sleep I cry every time I dont know what to do? Should I tell my fiance about my past or not?

please please please everyone I need your advice I dont know what to do. Next week is my university exams and I am so depressed and crying for help. I have no idea what should I do and I dont want to lose my fiance as I love him to death.


- sonia

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13 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum,

    Depending on what branch of military service he is in, his explanation is quite probable. It may also depend on his security clearance and where he is stationed. It really all depends on his MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). What does he do in the military?

    Also, as long as you keep your former boyfriend as a "friend," not only are you sinning by keeping contact with a person who you engaged in zina with, but you are also leaving yourself susceptible to your current fiancee finding out what happened. Many a jealous and spurned lover will find a twisted pleasure in ruining your marriage, but it is also quite unfair to your potential husband to keep this relationship any longer. It is my opinion that your feelings of guilt are specifically because you still have this man (ex-boyfriend) in your life. If you want to be forgiven for the past sin, you need to leave all traces of it behind, including this man.

    Once you have don this, make peace with your Lord, know that He can truly forgive you and try to avoid this despondency. So stay strong and make dua that you can overcome this situation.

    I think the biggest question that you face is "when" are you guys getting married. It seems that the sooner you two are together, the better it will be for both of you. You say he lives in the U.S., but does he get stationed in the Pacific at all? Also, keep in mind, that on base housing has a current backlog of about two years, so that route for living won't be suitable to put you two together, unless he already has accommodations worked out. This is an issue I hope you two have discussed.

  2. Assalam-o-Alaikum,
    Your solution is quite simple and easy...Just do following things:

    1.Do you love your husband.?
    Ans.If yes, then try to contact him somehow.Make your relation stronger and deeper with him.

    2.Are you satisfied with him.?
    Ans.If yes, then try to contact him somehow.Make your-self a basic need for him.
    If you don't trust your husband, or thinks that he's involve in some other activities, just ask him directly but with good and nice behavior.

    3.Ask him about his past.?
    Ans.If he has some dark past and tells you...take some time and tells about your past as well.

    4.Ask your ex-boy-friend that can he marry you.?
    Ans.If yes, then then tell everything to your husband. If still wanna leave him, then directly without wasting your's and his life,just leave him.And marry yours ex-boy-friend.
    But if yours ex-boy-friend refuses to marry you....Then leave him for-ever. Tell him everything about you. Take vacations and start a new life.

    Afterwards, if everything is settled with your husband. Try to have kids, so that your mind will be diverded to some other activities.

    Pray to Allah, to forgive you for your sin-act.
    Take care...
    Act upon my advise and let me knows what happens next.
    (Email address deleted by Editor. Do not post your email addresses here - Editor)

    • Asalaam alikum,

      I highly disagree with point 3. Comparing war stories of sin is not Islamic and it should never be done between spouses or potential spouses when those sins are secrets between each of them, separately, and Allah (swt).

  3. first of all, just cut contact with your ex.. you have to cut contact with ur past so that it doesn't haunt you anymore.

    secondly, why don't you trust your fiance? is there something more to it other than him being away for 3 months? when you are in military, you cant use cellphones and other forms of communication. how long have you been together? there's a reason he's with you. if he wasn't that interested he would have left you already. and besides you guys are engaged. it's a commitment in itself, you guys don't have to talk to reassure it to yourself. and if keeping contact is really necessary for you, get married to him.

    third, it's not necessary for girls to bleed when they lose their virginity. some girls don't bleed at all. some break their hymen while playing sports. so you dont have to worry about it. you also went to the lengths of having a surgery for it ( which i don't think you should have) so stop worrying now. leave your past behind and have faith in Allah and focus on the future.

    lastly, set your priorities right. you seem to worry about lots of things. what is the problem really? i think you don't like this Long distance relationship the most.
    assuming your fiance really loves you and he won't find about past and he really cant talk because of the nature of the job, will it make you relaxed and happy?
    if it doesn't, then figure out what the problem is really and hit back ..
    if does then start assuming it from now on..

  4. Never,ever disclose your past to anybody. If the fact that you lie will haunt you and bring feeling of guilt then just do not marry him at all but do not give him the opportunity to humiliate you.

    Also, all virgin do not bleed some have their hymen broken in different ways(sport, playing.....)
    So make dua to Allah that he send you somebody who wont ask you any questions of that sort. It seems that you don't even really want to marry him

  5. Salam sister Sonia,

    If your question was 'should I marry my fiance or not', then I would have said, no, don't marry your fiance:

    *because- you already do not trust you him! Seriously, why would your fiance, do such a thing? Why would he want to bring shame to his family? Maybe his job is like that, and I won't be surprised either, because some government jobs are confidential jobs and for that reason he has no access to internet.

    * because- you are still in contact with your EX! Seriously, it should be the other way round, your respected FIANCE should doubt his relationship with you. Your fiance, shouldn't trust you. You need to break your contacts with your ex, not only because it is SIN but also you will be bringing shame to yourself and family. So far, by protection of Allah (swt) you are safe from shame. Turn to Allah (swt) and seek His forgivness!!!

    * because- you do not seem mentally prepared for marriage life! Marriage life is massive responsibility and it is based on mutual TRUST and RESPECT. Both are at the moment missing, your not giving trust and respect to your fiance.

    * because- You won't be happy until Allah (swt) is pleased with you! Sister, first you need build your relationship with Allah (swt) then inshaAllah, think of marriage. You need to put a lot of effort to change yourself to a better person. Please, break your contacts with your ex ( and if possible, fiance too) instead concentrate on yourself/ on your soul. I know what I am suggesting is harsh but inshaAllah, it will be for the best. You need time to forget your ex, your past. You need to purify your soul. You need to try to become better Muslim. You need to give quality time to yourself. you need to do this for yourself. And, then inshaAllah, once you know.the whole purpose of this life, then you can think of marriage to build a family of your own.


    Sorry for not answering your initial question. It is just because your current situation does not reflect the question that you asked. Anyhow, the answer to your question is, no one needs to know about your past. By you telling anyone, even your potential husband, is considered as SIN. Your past is between you and Allah (swt) alone. And, you need to REPENT to Allah (swt) for committing illegal act but if you have already repented then you need to repent again because you went back to your ex (which is going back to near to that same sin again).

    Allah (swt) knows best. Pray to Allah (swt) to purify your heart and to bless you with so much patience, inshaAllah.

    May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and all of us with our nafs desires and struggles.

    Take care of yourself
    Your sister, Parveen

  6. Sonia, As-salamu alaykum,

    I fully agree with others who have said that you should cut off contact with your boyfriend. You must do that immediately.

    We always tell people on this website that they should not disclose their past, and that's true, that's the teaching of Rasulullah (sws), but there's a difference between silence and lying. In Islam we are taught that lying is a serious sin. You cannot build a future on lies.

    When your fiance' asked you outright if you were a virgin, you could have gone two routes:

    1. You could say, "I do not wish to discuss it." Of course he will infer from that (rightly) that you are not a virgin, and maybe he will be able to handle it, or maybe not. But you are not required to tell him anything.

    2. You could say, "No, I'm not a virgin." You might say, "I made mistakes when I was younger, and I have asked Allah's forgiveness. I will not tell you anything about who, or when, or any other details as I feel it is not beneficial. I hope you can accept this, as I wish to marry you Insha'Allah. But if you cannot accept it, then I understand."

    I can hear your objections:

    "But that means that I wasted all that money on the operation to "restore" my virginity..."

    Yes, it does mean that. As someone said, "Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive." You don't get to have an operation and erase the past as if it never happened. It's not that easy.

    "But if I tell him I'm not a virgin, he might leave me!"

    Yes, that's true. But you know what, sister, maybe that's the price we pay for having disobeyed Allah. I was once talking to someone I liked about marriage, and I chose to be honest about something from my past, and she stopped communicating with me at that point. Maybe it was because of what I said, maybe not, but I accept it as the price I have to pay.

    This does not mean that we are revealing our sin. I would never describe my sin, or say what I did and with whom. But I also do not believe in deliberate, bold-faced deception.

    What happens if your fiance' finds out one day that you lied? All his trust in you will be shattered, and if you are married at that time you will be fortunate if your marriage survives.

    It's really up to you. Maybe you figure that since you lied already you must keep on lying. In for a penny, in for a pound. But will you ever feel safe from the truth?

    Wael Editor

    • I agree ... The questioner should not have lied to the potential groom .

      He asked you categorically and you lied . Better to come clean and tell him the truth . You cannot deceive some one in marrying you.

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        Br.Wael brings to light a very significant point that bears this quote:

        "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain

        Indeed, a very good point, Br.Wael.

  7. salam, sister.
    i have a fiance and im only 16, i wast forced or anything. i went on holiday to pakistan first time where i met my cousin jawad and due to family gossip i knew we would get married when older. all the famly from both sides agreed and we got engaged. i live in london and before engagment i had a boyfreind who i did not do anything wit apart from a hug in like in every 3 days and when i met jawad i felt like poo for having a boyfrein and it was a sin, a big sin, and now i have buried my past and havent told hima nything bout my past he trusts me so much that he hasnt asked me anything either, i love him dearly and inshallah will never do any mistakes again i have deleted my facebook, twitter and everything for my fiances sake since i had alot of boy contacts and have also started to wear hijab. good luck sister xxx

  8. cut contact with your ex that is the problem. Do not disclose your past to your future husband this is between you and allah, learn from your mistakes. Put faith in allah and inshallah things will workout for you just be patience, do not worry or be scared, sometimes things happen for the better.

  9. well,
    I personally have learnt alot from the above discussion. I have told my fiancee almost about everything that has taken part in my life. l did not though find it necessary for him to find about or rather describe the sins i commited while younger. he knows l have made alot of mistakes but he again found everything about me in a cunning way.

    InshaAllah l pray we get married as soon as possible n we lead a righteous life. l also pray that we keep far away from sin caused from desire of the heart. l pray that Allah enables all us who are getting married to do it as soon as possible. ameen

  10. Hello there beautiful.

    Do NOT tell your fiancé about your past. He may be understanding at the time you tell him. But the way he will think of you will change - its something he cannot control be because it's a natural feeling. No guy wants his potential wife to have had sex ith somebody else. I know what im saying may sound harsh but it's the truth. Think about it.

    Allah told us NOT to expose our sins for a reason! Be mature enough to forget your ex and have a fresh start with the guy you want to marry.

    If you tell him in his heart he will think differently of you. He won't tell you this. But he will. And the fact that you told him you are a virgin is to protect your potential marriage. If you suddenly tell him that our not - that means you have lied to him and he will not trust you. And do you think he would really want to marry you then?

    All I'm saying is that you have to forget about your past and leave it in the past. Don't ruin everything by being silly enough to tell him something that will ruin your future.

    I think you need to sit down and have a think about if you really want to marry this guy. Because if you REALLY wanted to marry him - you wouldn't be questioning it.. Would you?

    Hope everything works out for you sweetie. I have done my best to be completely honest with you. And I have put my self in your position - and I told you what I would do.


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