Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should they blame her for getting divorced?

Divorced couple split in two


Assalamualaikum all!

My friend got married 6 months ago and now she isn't living with her husband. because she did not want to marry that guy because she was 18 and the guy was 29 ...

Now she is divorced and she feels like she have done a mistake cause the people around her blaming her and they say that she won't get married and will stay alone forever ...

Brothers and sisters i wanna know, did she do something wrong? she doesn't like the man because of the age gap and now all r blaming her ...

the guys family r happy no one blames him and all blames her even though all of them knew the marriage was a forced one ...

- Ayisha 006

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11 Responses »

  1. Your friend is living in a dream world. 29 is best age and that difference does not matter. Yes she did mistake but let her forget this and try to be more realistic than idealistic. Pray from Allah.

  2. I recently got married 6 months ago i am 29 and my wife just turned 19. We madly love each other, so age difference is not a problem, if you get along and understand each other etc. Personally, i feel that age gap is a good thing in marriage.

    • Shoaib: Personally, i feel that age gap is a good thing in marriage.

      Would you have married a 39 year old woman? What percentage of 18 year old Muslim men will marry a 29 year old women?

      • i never thought about age of a girl when marrying, but i preferred a girl 22-28. But i guess it was in my destiny that me and my wife have 10 years age gap. I grew up in america, so it was other way around for me, and i wanted a girl who is around my age. But over time and life lessons i realized that "some older" girls around my age have to much ego issues and want Mr. perfect.

        • Congratulation for the marriage .May Allah bless both of you ..
          It is a good choice to marry young girl at this age .It will keep you away from fitnah . Your concerns about older age looks practical to me though some people might have succeeded in that too .. Anyway it is a choice but very practical one ..

          • thanks, there are many pity reasons people get divorced, age is just and lame excuse. Prophet (pbuh) mentioned never divorce your wife until and unlessshe has done adultrey.

      • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

        Dear sister/brother SVS, the issue of marrying an older woman depends on the mentality, wisdom, and maturity of the guy. If the guy is to look-after his wife and his home, and his wife is older in maturity and wisdom, then this may cause problems especially if the wife is not submissive by nature.

        Keep in mind the what our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam told us: every one of us is a shepherd - the man is a shepherd and ruler over his wife and children and will be called to account; the wife is a shepherd over her children and the husband's home, and will be called to account; the slave is a shepherd over his masters property and land, and will be called to account; and the ruler is a shepherd over his nation/people, and will be called to account by Allah.
        So each of us is a shepherd, and each of us is responsible for our flock.

        [Sahih Muslim, Sunan abi Dawud, al-adab al-mufrad, etc]

        Similarly, if a woman got married to her husband who had a child from a previous marriage who happened to be same age or older than the wife, and still living with his father, imagine how that would go?
        If the child (young adult) is gentle and submissive to his father's new wife, then alhamdulillah, the home will be peaceful. But if he goes the other way, imagine what sort of problems this may cause the wife?

        Keep in mind also with regards to the issue of fertility in both men and (especially) women.
        Although men can wait until their late 50's to have children (depending on their health), women's fertility declines rapidly from 30's (depending on their health).

        And also very importantly - women mature much faster than us men in their mental and emotional development by at least 5 to 10 years. And arguably, women are more intelligent than men, especially in controlling their hearts and desires.

        As a side point - I truly believe that the wife is the real ruler over the house. So the intelligent wife is the one who is submissive to her husband, and if she does this, she'll win over his heart, and the man will later in life soften to the point of doing anything his wife wishes.

        Many shuyookh quote the famous quote - "behind every great man, is a greater woman".
        And subhanAllah this is absolutely true.
        For the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam to be the greatest husband and father, Allah created for him two of the greatest women ever created by Allah - Khadija and daughter Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anhuma)

        Anyway, I'll leave you with these wise words of our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam, who recommended marrying a younger wife in some cases, and an older/widowed wife in some other cases: -

        Jabir ibn Abdullah narrates: -
        The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) asked me, "Did you get married, O Jabir?"
        I replied, "Yes."
        He asked, "Is she a virgin or a matron?"
        I replied, "She is a matron."
        He said, "Why didn't you marry a young virgin girl so that you might play with her and she with you (or, you might make her laugh and she make you laugh)?"
        I said, "My father died, leaving seven or nine girls (orphans) and I did not like to bring a young girl like them, so I married a woman who can look after them."

        He (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said, "May Allah bestow His Blessing on you."

        [Sahih al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Jami' at-Tirmidhi]

        May Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala soften our hearts and increase us in knowledge and imaan, ameen!

        was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  3. Sister ,

    Not sure they got divorce only because of age differences?

    If divorce is finalized then no point in looking back .Let she move on in the life and learn from her experience so that she should make a good choice next time .Its better to ignore comments of other people which are of no use .

  4. Salaam

    She should not be blamed, if the marriage was a forced one. Marriage should never be forced. The Prophet gave us the right to consent or not consent to marriage. So she should not be blamed for this.

    As for age-difference we should remember that the Prophet pbuh married Khadija RA with great age difference, he was not afraid to marry a woman who was considerably older. A mature man can handle a mature wife! And a mature woman can handle a mature husband... I think it says something about a man who is only able to marry a girl, not a woman.

  5. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah dear sister Ayisha,

    I'm not sure how your friend got divorced?
    i.e. did she ask her husband for a divorce, or they mutually agreed?

    It is quite sad and of course wrong if your friend was forced into marriage - as you know, such a marriage is not allowed in Islam, until both the wali (father) and the woman agrees.

    However, since the marriage went ahead without objects (I presume), then your friend should have been patient. And instead of looking at (the not-so-important) things such as age (29 is still young), she should have looked at his mental age, wisdom, religious commitment (which includes his akhlaaq - kind treatment of her, the condition of his heart) and whether he would have made a good husband and father to her future children.

    If the divorce has not finalise and she is still in the iddah period, then it would be better for her to return to her husband - if he also wants her. Otherwise, khair inshAllah, and she should turn to Allah in repentance and stay close to her family and keep good company in religious friends.

    I'll leave you with the following ahadith as excellent reminders to you, your friend, and us all: -

    Jabir (radhiAllahu 'an) reported:
    The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said, Iblis (satan) establishes his throne on the water, then sends out helpers. Each of the helper of satan comes back and says that he made people do so and so, and another says, I made the people do so and so... satan tells them, you have done nothing.
    And then one of the helpers of satan says, I caused discord/divorce between a husband and wife.
    Satan tells this helper: well done! You have done well, and you are my close companion.

    [Sahih Muslim]

    Narrated ibn Abbas and ibn Thawbaan: The Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said:

    Any woman who asks her husband for divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of paradise becomes forbidden to her, even though its fragrance can be detected from a distance of forty years' travel.

    [Sunan ibn Majah - huqm: sahih]

    Take care,
    and may Allah al-wasi' un-aleem increase us in ilm wal-hikma, and bless us with true imaan and love of the aakhira over this dunya, ameen!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  6. Your friend should not be blamed. She is young and has her whole life ahead of her, she has a lot of growing up to do, a lot of discovering herself. She will change as a person through time, and an early marriage to someone so much older than her can stifle her growth and hinder her. Because he already knows who he is, has a career and is probably settled which gives him power in the relationship to influence her. Such an imbalance is never good for a wise woman, which she seems to be. So kudos to her for getting out of it. She is completely 100% fair in being unsettled by the age difference, it is completely her prerogative.

    No one should blame her, she did the right thing. Tell her to study and pursue her dreams, and make something of herself.

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