Should we get married?
Asalamu Alaykum,
I have a few questions to ask insha'Allah.
Firstly I am 18years old and I have been in a kind of relationship with a boy for a 2years . We both want to marry each other very desperately. A few points I want to say before I start to ask the questions is:
- we have done intimate things but not the biggest fornication however things close enough, we have tried to repent and try not to touch in anyway anymore
- we speak over text and sometimes over the phone
- we see each other at times
1) our parents know we speak over text, is it okay for us to continue to speak? It's just over normal and regular things? Also is it okay to speak over the phone?
2) is it okay to see each other? As when we meet we always meet in a public place such as college or to eat?
3) I always think I shouldn't marry him because I regret our past a lot and I feel like we shouldn't marry, but I've heard it is better if we do, however I feel as if it won't be blessed. What is your opinion on this?
We would do anything to get married because I really want to be blessed by Allah and do things halal however he's 19 but because of financial problems we are not able to marry.
I also have been to umrah this April and have kissed the black stone and after I came back I did things which I regret. I regret everything everyday and my parents are divorced and I fear my marriage will fail and it won't be blessed.
I suffer from depression so I am always overthinking. I have done istikahrah and so has he, I had a dream once about my mum telling me to sell gold to marry him ( although my parents aren't happy for me to marry him as in their eyes I should get better ) and he had dream twice one where we were on a picnic with our families and there was green grass and white skies and the second time there was nothing but just a white shining light that was speaking to him but once he woke up he couldn't remember what it said but he said it was white and beautiful.
I see many signs that we should marry but I fear it won't be blessed and for that reason I get very angry with him. If he had enough money to provide we would try to convince our parents and get married but I have so much in me.
I pray regularly and seek forgiveness from Allah and I always feel guilt, but I really need advice on if I'm wasting my time or not. We both are dedicated to get married.
The thing is I do want to marry him dearly, but I overthink a lot and it affects me a lot and I really don't know what to do anymore, All I want is a blessed marriage and for Allah to make it easy for me. I want to marry him but at the same time I don't because I fear so much and I fear I won't respect him or he won't respect me, my overthinking goes over the top, I don't trust many guys either and think they all mess up because I haven't had good experience with any of my men in my family. Inshallah if you could help me I would be so honoured.
Jzk if you could answer these questions and give advice, I will be very honoured for your opinion and your time in answering these questions.
Wasalamu Alykum.
Random555
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Sometimes whatvwe think is good for us may actualy be bad for us. You are on a path that is not safe. It may lead you to commit a bigger sin and after that you will feel worse. A relationship that begins in a haram way does not have a happy ending. You may end up with feelings of guilt and remorse so i suggest you end this relationship and repent sincerely. Shaitan makes wrong thingd seem right and attractive so dont put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Pray to Allah swt that he gives you a righteous husband which may or may not be him. This life isnt about finding your prince and living happily. Life has trials and things dont always turn out the way we want. We need to focus on staying on the right path. If you sacrifice something haram for the sake of Allah swt He will surely grant u something better in its place. People make dua to marry the person they love but they never make dua to love the person they marry.this life is about making our way to Jannah its not about getting everything we want. You can pray that if he is right for you then Allah swt make him your husband and if he is not right for you then may God grant you a pious spouse amd contentment.
Jzk , and I didn't mention but I always make dua that if he is right for me then may Allah show us right and if he is not then may Allah ease me away from him. He went abroad recently and has come back. He has said he doesn't want to speak unless it's regarding marriage, Islam, business or education. And he wants to speak to my mum. We both have repented sincerely and I always will. I feel there are many signs that he is right. But I always put my trust in Allah.
In my humble opinion, I think...you are only 18. You seem mature, mashallah, but in the end of the day you are 18, and your body and mind is not fully developped. I'm not saying this to condescent you in any way at all, I'm saying it because most of us have been 18 and remember what it was like. Personally, I was a mature 18 year old as well, but looking back I certainly am not the same person now as I was years ago when I was your age. I don't have the same ideals now as I did when I was 18. I don't look for the same qualities in a husband as I did when I was 18. The people I get along with now are not the same kind of people I got along with when I was 18. With that in mind, I honestly, honestly don't think 18 is a right age to get married in. Just generally. But even more so when you take in to account other things you have mentioned:
- You are in doubt about this guy and about marrying him
- Your family are not thrilled about the idea of you marrying this guy
I mean, having doubts sometimes is normal. But doubting there will be blessings and respect in the marriage doesn't tell me the foundation of a potential marriage is ideal in your case. Also, I believe marriage in theory is a beautiful thing. It's a union that not only binds husband to wife, but also connects two families. I'm not saying families should be the 3rd spouse in a marriage, but I do think, for the sake of peace and harmony, that both the man's and woman's families are acceptant of and happy with each other, If your parents aren't happy with the guy you are considering, then...to some extend, I would trust their judgement.
Good luck.
Jzk for your response. A lot has changed since I posted this and my mum is actually more for it. A lot has stopped and we don't see each other and only speak to each other about 4 things. I have been through a lot in my life and think that all the men( e.g father etc) have let me down and therefore I feel as if I need a man who won't. Alhmdulilah I can see we have changed ways but insha'Allah I think I need to just keep my trust in Allah. I asked Allah to guide him if he's right for me and SubhanAllah there's been such a change, this may be a sign. But I have no idea. Jazakallah khair for your reply.
Now we just speak about Islam, marriage, business or education. We repent sincerely, well I do and I always ask for Allah to give me whatever will make me happy and satisfied if I ever get married. I want a blessed marriage and I want Allah to be happy with me. The only thing is would my past affect anything because if we were to get married in 5 months time we would have been doing right for 7 months in total. Would the marriage be valid or is it not good to marry him because of Everything. I really don't care about "love" because love doesn't come until after marriage and I just wonder whether it could mess up our marriage, and if you think why did I do wrong if I think there's no love before marriage. The answer is because I felt neglected by everyone, I suffer really badly from depression which could be bipolar and I just needed love from somewhere back then. But I know it's absolutely wrong. I just need reassurance that if we were to marry everything would be okay and not because we started halal it will end as a disaster because we did fix up. I guess I'm just scared because everything has not gone so well and I will do anything for a good marriage. Would it still be okay? Because we are trying to rectify ourselves.