Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister doesn’t accept her husband

Angry husband, no love, husband turning away



I have an older sister who has been married for more than a year. The problem is that she has not consummated her marriage and stays with the parents. She says that she has not accepted the man with whom she got married as her husband, and thus she can't fulfill her marital obligations. It has become a very trying situation for each one of us involved. Her husband is not ready to divorce her, as he is a God fearing man and considers this as a sin. My sister is also good and understands the duties of a wife, but she says she doesn't accept him as a husband. My sister is also in great pain and she cries a lot.

After much consultation, now our family members are planning to ask her husband's family members to have him divorce her. I want to know would it be right to do so, as the wrong has been done by my sister, and because of this each one of us could be punished by Allah for the sin. Also, my parents are old and they fear dire consequences from her husband's family, society and also from Allah.

Further, they fear that tomorrow we may not find a suitable match for her, as well as for the other younger girls in the family. In this case, my sister would be left alone with her loneliness after my parents' death. But when we tell this to my sister, she remains adamant and says she doesn't have a single feeling for him. My parents remain very sad and stressed at all times. Also, my sister's husband and his family members are suffering a lot. No one from the family wants a divorce. But we seem so helpless. Please advise.

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10 Responses »

  1. divorce is not haram or a sin and in this case its the best thing to do. Why did she get married if she has no desire to be with this man? They both could have been happily married to nice partners they both liked.Your sister should divorce him and let him find a woman who will actually be a wife to him inshallah and your sister can then also marry a man she actually wants to be with. This is going on in your family, you shouldn't be concerned with 'society' or the community- its none of their business.

  2. Salaams,

    From the way it sounds, it seems that your sister was forced or coerced into marriage with someone she didn't care for. This is precisely why such marriages should be shunned, because you can't make someone be the husband or wife they have the potential of being if they don't feel they have a choice in who they share the rest of their lives with.

    I think it's very noble that your brother in law will not divorce her, even though technically he is not sinning if he were to do so. That's a misunderstanding on his part, because it's entirely valid to divorce a spouse who is not fulfilling their marital obligations. So no, he wouldn't be sinful to divorce her, and no one else in the family would be sinful if they divorced. However ultimately the couple should do what both are satisfied with.

    Speaking of that, you've mentioned what everyone else wants except your sister. Does she want a divorce? If she does, and she is sinning by remaining married, then there is no reason anyone could give that would justify keeping her according to Islam. It says in Quran that couples should part if there is fear that either of them may "transgress the bounds", but look- she's already been doing that for a year! It's better that she is released so she won't have to keep racking up sins against her account. To me that's worse than divorce, which is not a sin at all. It's only disliked.

    The other issues you mentioned- finding her another husband, society looking down on them, etc; these are all cultural issues. People have to learn to stop pandering to culture and live true to the deen. Maybe the parents should help her find someone SHE likes, and then she can marry, be happy, and everyone else be happy for her in shaa Allah. That's a much better solution than continuing to urge her to remain unhappily married, and wronging both her husband and her own soul in the process.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Sister,

    The first question I have to ask you is...did your sister agree to this marriage? Was she forced or coerced into this marriage? From what I gather, she was not in agreement to it.

    If your sister was forced into this marriage unwillingly, she has done no wrong at all. The wrong has been done to her by pushing her into a marriage she clearly did not want in the first place. Please forgive my assumptions if I am wrong.

    In this situation, I am more concerned with your sisters health and state of mind before I am concerned with what others might think. I believe it is a horrible, horrible thing to push a young woman into a union with a man she does not want. It is wrong on so many levels. Instead of worrying about what people might think or anything else...I believe your family need to listen to your sister. She does not cry for nothing. She is not happy. She is in pain. Please hear her and do not disregard her.

    Furthermore, I honestly believe your sisters last thought is finding a suitable match when right now she has been married to a man she does not want to be married to. In fact...she may never choose to marry again given the circumstances.

    As to one is suffering more than your sister right now. This whole situation is not about what the family wants is about what your sister wants. My advice here...listen to your sister. She has a right to be happy just like anyone else. She has a right to be married to a man of her choice. She has a voice and it is sad to one has heard her.

    Praying for your family, her husbands family but most of all...I pray for your sister. I pray that you and the rest of your family will listen to her because it is clear that no one has till now. You cannot force someone to be with someone they choose not to be with. The old adage, "love grows", is not always the case. May Allah guide you all to what is right and just to all involved.


  4. Your sister is not attracted to her husbands , thats the truth. And she is wrong , and its not a lawful excuse for seeking divorce .Because if she was forced she would not do nikah at first place because she is bold enoughh to stay at her parents home even after nikah so this proves the marriag was with her consent , I think that your sister surely has some past , which she is hiding

    • Please read:

      The evidence that it is permissible to seek a divorce if a woman hates her husband and cannot bear to stay with him is the report narrated by al-Bukhaari in his Saheeh (4867), that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not blame Thaabit ibn Qays for any defect in his character or his religious commitment, but I would hate to commit an act of kufr when I am a Muslim.” [Ibn Majaah (2056 added): and I cannot stand him ] The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Will you give him back his garden [which he had given as mahr]?” She said, “Yes.” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said (to Thaabit), “Accept the garden, and divorce her once.”

      What is meant by “I would hate to commit an act of kufr when I am Muslim” is: I would hate to do a deed that is contrary to Islam such as hating my husband or disobeying him or not fulfilling his rights, and so on.

      See: Fath al-Baari (9/400).

      As for the sister being bold, if she were, she wouldn't spend her time crying, being the bold woman she supposedly is. Further, her sister says that she is in pain.

      We behave as if cultural impact is non-existent when its effects are so blatantly obvious--especially, when underlying message of the post is that the family is ultimately worried about the family's reputation (due to culture!) and how it will eventually prevent the younger sisters' marriages--as though the destiny of one sister could somehow speak to the character of another.

    • @Aalim don't make assumptions for something you have no idea of. I know sisters who have been through this with no fault on their part even if they had no past whats so ever.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      As shown in the hadith posted by sister Saba (JazakAllah, sister), it is permissible to consider divorce in such circumstances. Divorce is not something people should race towards, but was made halal by Allah, so that it can be used when needed.

      Please refrain from making judgements and assumptions about people, such as alleging that the poster's sister "surely" has some past. We have no evidence to support this claim, so saying such things could be interpreted as backbiting - surely we must try to treat our brothers and sisters in faith with the same kindness as we would like to be treated, and I know that if I were unhappy and wanting advice, I wouldn't want to have people making assumptions about my character.

      If the sister truly is unhappy with her marriage and does not wish to accept her husband, there is clear precedent in Islam for her to involve both families and consider divorce if things cannot be resolved in other ways.

      Midnightmoon editor

    • @ Aalim If u know of the situation do not speak at all ,she was forced into it so I think divorce is a good idea ,she has no kids and no responsibility that's good that means she can divorce him . Arranged marriages should be shunned . She has to find someone good to her on her own . By getting to know a couple of young men decently .

  5. If your sister was forced into this marriage then your family is to be blamed clearly she is NOT HAPPY and will never except this MARRIAGE. Support your sister and let her get divorced. Do not allow her to do something she doesn't want to do for the sake of culture, family etc.

  6. Did your sister meet with her husband before she got married?
    Was she friends with another man before she gor married?

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