Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister flirts with my husband

jealousy

assalam alaikum brothers and sisters,

I don't know how many of you have experienced this, but the situation I find myself in is very embarrassing. It first happened on my wedding day. Ours was an arranged marriage, which was proposed by my husband's family because he really liked me and though I was just 18, my parents agreed since he is highly educated and independent.

I have two younger sisters. One is just a year younger and she has most of her life suffered from an inferiority complex because she was always compared to me for our looks. But she was always academically better, so I guess there wasn't much to lose or feel jealous about. I always loved her and let her use my things. I often dragged her with me to the salon or the boutique so she wouldn't hate me.

I saw this nasty side of her personality at on my wedding reception. When me and my new groom were trying to bond on the dinner table, she popped her head in the middle to feed my husband a spoonful of ice cream (which was sweet) but when he refused she flipped her hair in a very corny way and said, '' c'mon! I'm your sister-in-law- which means half wife", and giggled. I was zapped....soo embarrassed. I asked her, "where did you get that definition from?" She knew I was upset so she said sorry and left.

My husband (being the shy type) looked quite scandalized. I thought it was very stupid of her to pick a cheesy line like this from a Bollywood movie and throw it at us. in India, such flirtation is considered healthy among the Hindus. Anyway, I chose to ignore it, but if she was quarrelsome earlier she was more aggressive now. She often picked fights with me and said some very hurtful things. Even when she about to marry, she picked a fight with me over a very petty issue and said, "you are jealous of me because I'm marrying a handsome guy and you married an ugly pig'. I was shell shocked. My 4 year old daughter was right there and I was in tears.

My husband has been very supportive and loving towards me and I cannot take such things lightly. I tried to get my mother involved into this, but like always my sister slipped out without being scolded. On the contrary, I was told to be patient. I cut my visit short and left.  She even ignored me at her wedding, though we were there with expensive gifts in gold.

After her marriage, she visited India and expressed her desire to spend some time with me. Out of courtesy I invited her and I was sure that she had changed. It was the month of Ramadan and with my husband being a foodie I keep very busy in the kitchen. My sister never fasts because she feels very weak, so I had to do extra work and get her lunch ready as well. She wouldn't help me and I never asked. She slept all day without bathing or changing. The room that I gave her to use was always a mess.

But surprisingly just when husband was about to get home, she would dash into the shower and get dressed, put on some light makeup like the colored lip gloss, set her hair and iron her flicks and start laying the table for iftar in front of him. it was so laughable to watch the sudden transformation but it was a bit annoying as well. Whenever my husband and I would discuss something, she would intervene and especially if we were to disagree (not argue) she would inevitably support him.

She almost stayed for a month, and I dealt her with a lot of patience and grace. I have always been generous Alhamdolillah. I celebrate her kids' birthdays and give them gifts but I don't see any effort from her though her friends always see her generous side. She only brings my husband perfume; nothing for me or my kids- even my newborn baby didn't get anything from her. Please don't get me wrong because  it's not about the material but the effort -or should I say the emotion- that  one expresses by giving a gift.

Anyway, like usual she picked a fight with me on the phone because I attended a wedding of a family friend only because she didn't like her. I tried to explain that I just did it for mom because she insisted on my company to that wedding, and I was invited very sweetly. The argument soon got ugly (which it always gets with her) and she started calling me horrible names. That's when I began to cry miserably and my daughter and husband forbade me to talk to her any further. I needed time to heal and her sorry never came.

Later again when she visited India, I went to meet her at my parent's with the intention to celebrate her kid's birthday. At the dining table when my parents and us (my husband and I) were eating she didn't join us, instead she joined my youngest sister and my daughter who sat with their plates on the couch to watch TV. After I finished and left the table she came with her half eaten plate and sat near my husband. She was not just avoiding me, she also trying to annoy me. Although we are a God fearing family and my youngest sister and I are hijabis, this one shows no modesty in dressing up though she lives in the gulf. her visit to India is like freedom from modesty. She wears revealing clothes with raunchy stuff written on it.

I told my mom that this bothers me and her flirting like this angers me so I will distance myself. I will only talk when I am spoken to and be there for her family when she needs but I can't socialize. to which my mother protests. She says you can't severe ties, but I am not breaking ties I just can't tolerate her flamboyance and aggression anymore. She often picks fight with my youngest sister and beats her black and blue. She is studying medicine and is already in a lot of stress. When this loud sister visits, my baby sister suffers a breakdown. It's so bad that she begins to hallucinate and is put on psychiatric medicines. I can't even intervene nor help this little sister who loves me to bits. I don't know what to do.

-apple green


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27 Responses »

  1. I think u make it clear with ur sister and ask her why she do the stuff she does..?
    ANd yeah dont blame ur self for anything u did nothing wrong remember that...
    AS u are the alder sister i think u have to tell her be nice to ur youngest sister, and when ever she visits u take ur little sister to ur home. ANd tell ur sister that she not velcome anymore if she keep being like she is...believe or not she might do something very bad to u one day, so be clear and tell everything to her face infront of ur parents.

    I think ur decision of being away from her is good...

    May allah help u, do istakhara and ask allah for help

  2. Assalamualaikum,

    I understand how you feel. And it is valid. Your husband is yours and your sister has no right to even speak to him. You are his queen and she has no right to do what she is doing. Buy does she not bring her husband with her when she goes to India?

    In fact, she is dangerous for him in terms of the fitnah involved. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam warned a woman saying her brother in law (husband's brother) is death. Allah Knows Best, but I think you can take the same in this case - Allahu A'lam.

    The Hadith is as follows:

    Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) forbade non- mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother- in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al- Baari, 9/330)

    In the light of this Hadith, it is best if your husband can avoid the "collective lunch/dinner" at the family house, where there is a possibility of your sister joining. If she still does not learn the lesson, then your husband should show that he isn't comfortable. When she sits next to him, let him get up from there. If she brings something for him, let him give it to you. Let him show that he cares for you and she is no more than an ordinary woman to him. You are his queen and she has no right to even speak to him, as I said.

    Gifting is good and giving back gifts better than them is better.

    “Whoever does you a favour, respond in kind, and if you cannot find the means of doing so, then keep praying for him until you think that you have responded in kind.” [Abu Daawood]

    So do not worry if anyone does not give you gifts, do not let the fact that she is not treating your children well, bring an ill feeling in your heart. The celebration of children's birthdays is a different issue altogether.

    Your sister can not stop you from visiting people she does not like. If your parents respected someone and they were close to them, it is upon you to respect them. There is beautiful hadith in regard:

    When Abdullah Ibn Umar (radhi allahu anhu) set out to Makkah, he kept a donkey with him to ride when he would get tired from riding of the camel, and had a turban which he tied around his head. One day, as he was riding the donkey, a bedouin happened to pass by him. He (Abdullah Ibn Umar) said: "Aren't you so and so?" The bedouin said: "Yes." He (Abdullah Ibn Umar) gave him the donkey and his turban and said: "Ride this donkey, and tie this turban around your head." Some of his companions said: "May Allah forgive you, you gave to this bedouin the donkey which you enjoyed to ride for change, and the turban which you tied around your head." Abdullah Ibn Umar (radhi allahu anhu) said: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) saying, "The finest act of goodness is the kind treatment of a person to the loved ones of his father after his death," and the father of this person was a friend of Umar (radhi allahu anhu)." [Saheeh Muslim]

    Subhanallah, we have a good example in our Rasool and his Sahaabah to follow. Ignore yoir sister and take care of your husband and children. Severing ties is bad, but you won't be severing ties by doing this in sha Allah. Salam and Kalaam, let it be there, but do not let her interfere in your married life and your parents, obedience to them and respecting them.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. I can totally understand why you're annoyed and angry with your sister! If I was in such situation, I wold very bluntly confront my sister and tell her "it's very obvious that you're playing some kind of game that includes flirting with my husband. I don't accept that and if you're not going to stop sitting next to him and talk to him on teh most basic level (greetings), then I don't want you around him and I can't have you stay in my house anymore. And that's that". If she throws a tantrum, just let her do that and ignore her. Don't take her namecalling personally, she only does it because she knows she will get to you. If you show her that ou're secure enough in yourself and fed up with her childish games then I'm sure she will get bored with what she's doing.

    Oh, and please, please, please keep yourself true to your words! If you tell he she's not going to see your husband anymore, make sure she only comes around when your husband is not at home and that she will leave before he gets home. Don't let her stay at your house for long periods of times anymore, even if it is for Ramadhan. In a way, you're not only protecting your own sanity, but also stopping your sister from unislamic behaviour :).

    • she is into a habit of getting into brawls. Her voice raises instantly and to the extent where every neighbour can hear every detail.. Besides my parents r extremely scared of her and r not able to control her in anyway. My youngest sister is on psychiatry medication(long term) because of her violent behaviour. I once confronted her in a very polite manner when i caught her red handed doing something with my comp which could have jeopardized her marriage and so she got so angry that she pushed and slapped me. I dont want 2 put myself in that spot again.
      Confrontation is a bad idea but thanx for ur response.

      • It sounds like she REALLY needs a taste of her own medicin: someone raising their voice to HER, slapping HER etc. I really cannot understand why you all adapt to her unacceptable behaviour, it's only encouraging her to continue with it. She can basically do whatever she wants with no consequences. No wonder why things don't change.

        Since you don't live with her, if it's too hard to confront her and control her, I think the only realistic option is to cut contact her drastically. And as soon as she starts screaming and namecalling you on the phone, just hang up on her before it gets out of hand. There's no reason why you should listen to her going off on you. Tell her "I'll talk to you if you grow up and talk like a normal person, bye".

        To be honest, I don't think your situation sounds that complicated, you're perhaps making it more complicated by refusing to do some of the things that needs to be done to put a stop to this girl's extremely selfish behaviour.

        • Exactly! I just want to do the same. In fact im pretty sure in my head how to deal with her its just my mum who thinks if i dont chat with her or dont hangout with her or invite her to my house then im doing haram. I dont want to do any of this coz it wont help our relashionship on the contrary expose me to more violence from this ungrateful sis. So i just wanted to make sure if i was NOT being unislamic.

          • As far as I'm aware of, you're not doing anything haram at all. Just because it's your sister doesn't you can't distance yourself from her if she's doing haram things and trying to cause problems between you and your husband. You're married and your priority is not your sister, but your husband and children. It's nice if your sister could be the sort of sister that respects your marriage and your children, supports you and help her, like a sister should do - but if she's nothing like that, then that's her choice and she gives her siblings a reason to distance themselves from her. She needs to learn that she CANNOT get away with anything! She needs to learn that her sister's husbands are totally, totally off-limits, in every sense of the word! :). I can understand your concern for your mother, but...to be honest, this issue is between you and your sister only. If my mother took my sister's side like that I would be very furious with her - I would feel like she is taking my sister's side and defending her inappropriate behaviour :). So maybe you should respectfully tell your mother that you appriciate her advice, but you feel like it's not the right advice for you - and then do what you think is necessary in order to live peacefully with your husband and children, without your sister's drama.

  4. salaam

    mashallah you have been given some good advice and i know how you are feeling from personal experience but what i would advice you to do again is

    DO ISTAHARA AND ASK FOR ALLAH'S GUIDANCE AND ALLAH WILL GUIDE AND PROTECT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY INSHALLAH

    AMEEN

    ALLAH HAFIZ

  5. Apple green, your mother is right the preservation of a family bond is very important as family is sacred - but you are not the one breaking ties here, your sister has pushed you away, terrorises your baby sister and holds your parents in fear. Your mother cannot say this to her so she is focussing this responsibility on you because you are the rational and responsible one. You seem like a strong woman and so the burden of your sister's behavioural-rehabiliation falls to you, for the sake of your family.
    If you do not do something now - what will happen years down the line? Things will only get worse.

    Jealousy is like a disease in your sister's heart, it's symptoms are of an obsessive nature.
    She will not stop.

    Unfortunately, since your 'loud' sister is acting like a child, you need to discipline her. In this case - publically so that no one in the family is able to hide themselves or sweep things under the carpet. Her obscenity must be brought to light and exposed as wrongful.

    Her assault on you and her disrespect for your marriage are blatant - so why do you not try and openly expose her with your husband's assistance, rather than tiptoe around her in consideration of her feelings or honour when she does not consider yours or that of your marriage? The power of words is as much in how something is said as the actual message itself...Remember that when you approach this. And the key to all of this is not to stand alone - your ''husband'' must show his intolerance for her actions also.

    So - When it happens next at a family dinner that she tries to flirt openly with him - stand up, your husband should stand with you, address her by her name, make eye contact coolly and calmly (with not pleading or emotional outburst) and tell her that she is your sister and you love her but that her ''behaviour'' towards your husband (use the term ''over-familiarity'' rather than ''flirting'' because whilst she may make excuses and deny this - she cannot hide how over-familiar she is with him) is offensive to both you and your husband and have your husband second you on that, remind her that she is a muslimah and married and that her behaviour is not only unbecoming of her and humiliating to her husband and her parents but that she is forcing the family apart as a consequence because if she refuses to change her ways, you will refuse to be in her presence... Tell her that this is not what you want but that she is leaving you no choice...

    Then both you and your husband should greet your parents respectfully and perform the act of physically leaving the dinner table and going home. Without engaging her in battle thereafter. Because she ''will'' try and redirect the negative-attention towards you.

    And thereafter, at future family dinners/functions - Do not stay away - this will hurt your parents...Go, sit at the table and when she starts up again with her nonsense, get up, greet and leave (without saying a word). She will know what she is doing and why you are leaving. So do not talk to her about it again at this time. Eventually she will be forced to stop.
    In this way - you will show her and your family that you have taken a firm stance and that you and your husband have adopted a zero-tolerance policy to her behaviour and that she is responsible for splitting your family...

    It will hurt her and yes, she will be very embarrassed but a direct approach is the only way and there is strength in numbers, whereas approaching her on your own will wield no effect whatsoever.

    You are an honest and open person so do not stoop to her level or indulge her by revealing how much she hurts you by your breaking out in tears or fighting with her on the phone or using similar abusive language towards her. You and your husband must take a stand as a unit and when she acts out (which you know she will - much like a child) do not engage her in her violent retaliation, show that you will not tolerate it and leave peacefully - she will try to provoke you but turn and leave and this will expose her character for what it is, even to herself.

    May the Almighty give you the strength and solidarity you will need my dear.

    • Assalamu alaikum sisyer Rabia
      i have read many of ur sensible comments on various posts and masha allah u have won my admiration on all of them.
      Thank you for taking time to read my post and taking the effort of typing ur views. Sometimes i find myself thanking Allah for strangers more than those who appear r to b closer. First of all sister excuse me for my typing errors coz i use my android and my tab allows me to c very little of this typing space.

      Alhamdolillah i have never felt insecure regarding other women but her behaviour should not b seen from just one angle. She is not flirting coz she has a crush on him, in fact she does not even consider him fairly attractive. This, whatever hapns only hapns as a desperate attempt to hurt me. Secondly different ppl behave differently in a situation. We r all scared of her but my parents have taken a different approach. I avoid confrontation because i feel drained out so much since my folks have been picking my nerves and i have one last frail one left which i shall save for my sanity.
      sometimes i feel sorry for her since in her childhood she was made to believe that she is the best and is destined to achive the pinacle of success. She 'will' have the best career and so forth..but however no effort was put in to help her in that direction. And the result was obviously the oppsite.
      Overconfidence, pride and arrogance which was indirectly encouraged in her became the reason of
      her downfall. From being a topper of the class to the headgirl of the school, my sister truly had the capacity to make her way to the best university for the best career but sadly for us a selfcentered father and confused, timid mother together became a perfect recipie for the disaster which each one of us deals with. Each of us have unresolved parent issues. Check my previous post 'i cant stop hating my father for what he put me through. Plz help'. This will give u some idea about my background.

      Marriage to me has brought me immense relief and instant freedom from daily psychological and physical torture. Since then i have been enjoying my space and have had my grace. Im sorry if it disturbs u but i have no warm feelings towards my folks, though i try my best to change that about me and develop a bond with them but i c my peace of mind as my first priority now which i would fight to save for the peace in the house where my children live. I cannot take the stress of avoidable horrible incidents with these ppl and ruine the positive energy of my little home.

      My husband has been supportive in the past when i expressed my desire to complete my education. He has been supportive in playing his duties as a father and sharing my domestic burden at times but that is it. I have never seen him support me for social issues. Whether its his family, my family or stangers. I have dealt with all that came my way without his intervention. That is how he is and i love him anyway but he wont participate as u suggest.

      My questions to u dear sister are..
      Am i not a good muslim if i minimize my interraction in a bid to avoid further fights?
      Am i going to b a dweller of hell if i fail to generate genuine love for her or rather 'them' even if i tried and failed miserably?
      Will i be considered as some1 who breaks family bonds if i didnt make an effort to invite her to my house or eat at a table or chat on the phone or online...even if i promised Allah that i wud stand for them in their sickness and pain or anytime they would need me?
      Im truly confused.

      Sometimes i wished i lived when Muhammed (s.a.w) walked on the earth. My life would have been so much easier.
      My life is hard i think it would have been easier to die on a battle field at the hands of those tyrants but this jihaad wont even make me a shaheed.

      • The time when the Mercy to the worlds - Muhammad bin Abdullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam walked in this earth: It was a time when the greatest struggles were faced. Allah Knows Best what we would have been if we were there. In today's time, we find it difficult to face the struggles. Then what about the time of Rasoolullah? I thank Allah for choosing for me the best time to be born and live with faith in Him and His Rasool, without seeing either Him or His Rasool. And I pray that He Gives me death while I am in the highest state of Imaan possible so that He unites me with His Rasool in al Jannah, because I affirm every word he said, without a second thought.

        In every terms, our highest level of Imaan is equal to the least of the same among the Sahaabah. Because they faced the most struggles and that was the best time for them with Imaan, due to which Allah sent them then, and not us.

        The second part of the following Hadith may apply to us:

        Narrated Abu Sa`id ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : The Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said, ``Do not abuse my Companions, for if anyone of you spent gold equal to Uhud (mountain) (in Allâh's Cause) it would not be equal to a Mudd (two-third of a kilogram) or even a half Mudd spent by one of them.''
        (Bukhari)

        We should be content with what Allah Has Provided us and thank Him for Blessing us with Eemaan and also Seek His Guidance because we have many mistakes in us. We have many flaws in our Deen. May He Correct them all before we meet Him.

        Life couldn't have been easier than it is now, if you were born at some other time. Because Allah Knows Best which time is best for you. Make best use of your life and work for the Jannah and also remember me in your duas while you ask Him for Jannah.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • AssalamuAlaikum
          i have read about their struggles..i hear speeches about the strength they exhibited and the sacrifices they made and it was tough indeed but trust me brother for a passionate being it is easier to shed every drop of his blood and watch it seep deep into the heart of the parched sands for the profound love of Allah than shed tears every day in the bathroom of his own house.
          the thought of weeping at those sacred feet is easier to me than weeping on my pillow which has little comfort or assurance to offer. The thought of taking one fatal blow of his enemy's sword that was raised for him is much bearable to me than take the callous blows from my own blood bonded which they strike everyday for cheap worldly satisfactions.
          Allah wouldnt have elevated my soul as Aamina's, Haleema's,Khadeeja's or the beloved daughter of Abu Bakr, . But i could have still loved him as a weaver or a potter or his camel keeper's daughter. I wish i had lived back then..and i live now in one hope for that one day when i will see him.
          Im not ungrateful brother but some old wounds hurt more than the fresh ones. Those who nurse them know it better. I will pray for u to always smile. Until then i shall dream of those compelling eyes with a hint of brown and some love...for me.

          • Dearest sister apple green, your previous post regarding your father is most tragic indeed, though - forgive me if I offend - but my views have not changed, infact it has only strengthened - Through your posts I have developed an admiration for traits most evident in you sister - a quiet strength and manifestation of Sabr in the truest sense --- you are stronger than you realise, to go through what you have been through and still be so passionate a persona with such depth of emotion and the ability to love immensely rather than be jaded by your past experiences says that you are the key to this situation. Your heart is large enough and strong enough for this ''jihad'' as you call it my dear, do not doubt that.

            Dear sister, if I truly care for you and your Aakhirah, which I do - then please understand that the greatest support I can give you, is not to tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear...
            I understand your bitterness towards your father - but - the Almighty will be pleased with you so much more if you do right by your parents, maintain your vows, fulfil your duties, look after them no matter how deeply flawed they are. Have mercy on them as they age, they will change and perhaps even see the error of their ways as sometimes is the case as age brings insight.
            You do not need to be false or to hug and kiss your father - but try at every turn to be dutiful and to keep the family together (as dysfunctional as it is).

            If you stay away from your sister and your father and your youngest sister needs to stay away from your sister for fear of harm, and the grandchildren are exposed to this segregation - what is left of your family in the end?
            You say you have tried to focus on your children and your home, then surely you understand where your mother's heart lies in wanting to keep you all together - do not deny her that sister. Play the role you need to play. Even if that's what it requires on your part - rolepalying, Allah knows your intentions are honorable.
            The Almighty will be pleased with you - sometimes we make great sacrifices for the preservation of family my dear, I speak from experience.

            You said you would die a martyr happily in the time of Rasoolullah (saw). Do you not see the great battle you are faced with here - and its worth? A test of Sabr, of wisdom and wit, of family bonds, and the care of parents, of siblings and physical abuse and the ability to forgive - Do you think your efforts would go unnoticed by the Almighty? We are tested with that which we ''desire'' most - in your case - it was a loving family. Which one day, even if it is through your children, nieces and nephews, I believe you will be Blessed with it, Insha-Allah.

            One day, at a family lunch, perhaps a time from now - you will walk into a room intending to fetch something and see their laughter and interaction. You will see how ''full'' your home is and a warmth and appreciation will flow over you and you will realise - you have what you have always wanted. This is my prayer for you, Insha-Allah.

            I am disappointed that your husband would not support you against your sister's behaviour. This was key. Because she knows he is key to disarming your composure. We must think upon another way to deal with her. But the last thing I would want is that she be granted the means of causing even more damage by making you avoid her entirely and so her children and such that your family is left segmented.

            The point is to keep trying - even when they have given you no incentive. Keep trying to cultivate some semblance of a relationship with ''them''. All of them.
            Give gifts to your nieces and nephews and expect nothing in return (even as a goodwill gesture), because you are slowly cultivating love and ties within the next generation and make Dua their bond will be a good one, the children are this family's second chance. Give special care to your youngest sister - invest much interest and concern in her, especially with her studies, it will strengthen this bond. Continue to take care of your parents, even if your father seems ungrateful or does not notice your efforts (the Almighty notices them, take heart in that), safeguard your relationship with your mother and do not ever stoop to the level of your 'loud' sister - do not avoid her but ensure that your husband is not around when she makes her intention to visit you known, do not let her sleep over at your home unless your husband is away for work and expect nothing from her such that she may not hurt you any further, continue to call or chat online even if it becomes a chore you list on a ticklist, you may keep things brief but the fact is that you made the effort and do not engage her when she tries to bait you into an argument, walk away and tell her you have no interest in this.

  6. To bring about something good and beneficial from the wrong that has been done to you, is among the greatest of accomplishments.

    • Nice quote. I intend to share it.

    • Assalamualaikum sister Rabia,
      At first i thought that ur meticulous approach and practical quality of ur comments is a result of either ur qualification in psychology or professional experience in counselling etc.
      But sister after reading ur comment over and over..i felt as though u could see through me and this experience is ovewhelming rather than scarry as it should get with a stranger online.
      you have pushed me to do something i was never going to. I was told the same things by my mother however i could not make myself to even as much as listen the reasons that followed the advice. I was sure they were biased.
      dear sister u r asking me to enter the mad boxing ring again. I could have much rather dismissed the idea but no 1 made me see myself the way u have. I may not b as strong or have any good in me but if u believe iam good and strong..i want to become strong. I believe u because i want to believe u.
      it could be because of the immense respect and admiration i have for u already or the fact that u said u care for my akhirah or both or it cud b that u r the answer to my prayers.. For my redeeming angel.

      • There r some ramifications sister.
        Firstly i will have to b extremely patient with my second sis especially now when she is even more upset with me because i didnt wish her younger son on his birthday (i honestly forgot and never apologised for it). She will inevitably spit venom.

        secondly i dont want my youngest sis to feel betrayed. The last fight that took place between the 2 of them was because of me. My loud sis was abusing me in front of them and the little one protested to the unnecessary use of profanity and insinuations specially so coz i wasnt even around to clarify anything she said. After that a brawl followed in which the youngest sis was miserably beaten and had a breakdown. She still hasnt recovered fully, is still on medication and her future is uncertain. If i tried to make any effort to get close to the loud one the little one will feel horribly betrayed and abandoned. Cant do this to her.

        Guide me plz.

        • Wslm sister

          Just remember that the ''you'' who is taking the choice to step back into the ''mad boxing ring'' is not the same person who stepped out of it. You have incited a paradigm shift within yourself and I am proud to commend you on this, your new resolve.

          As for the matter of your 'loud' sister's upset over her son's birthday - Yes, you have given her an incentive to spontaneously combust (albeit a small reason) but the fact is, you ''know'' that she will and you can practically map out the argument that will ensue - this affords you the advantage of preparing yourself for her onslaught...

          The principle here is simple - how would you gain the affection and trust of a wayward child? By the wisdom and power of the gentle hand as opposed to an iron fist. Your objective has changed - you are not trying to reprimand her in this instance, you are trying to win her, not to beseech her, not to plead for her forgiveness, to ''win'' her over within limits of ''indulgence'' of her tantrums as you would a child and when she transgresses reasonable limits - do not engage her and do not indulge her further, ignore her screams and diffuse her fury by downplaying the situation strategically and diverting her attention elsewhere.
          Hence I recommend calling her to check on how she and her little ones are doing. She will no doubt during the course of your conversation bring up the matter of her son's birthday again to which you will explain that you had forgotten and apologise (don't overdo the apology) - state (pleasantly) that you would like to get him something to make it up to him and that you would like to get something that would be useful to him and ask her opinion of what she thinks he might need.
          And that should be where the matter should end, do not allow her to keep on and on, divert the conversation elsewhere and do not allow the matter to become emotional or erupt into an argument. End the conversation shortly after. Do not allow her the opportunity to start knit-picking and give her no reason to start a fight.
          The facts are:
          1) You called her to greet and ask about her and her family's well-being
          2) You apologised for forgetting the birthday and want to make it up to him
          3) You showed interest in his needs and made her a part of the process as his mother
          4) You showed you cared.
          She cannot fault you for any of this (try as she might) - She will be very resistant and wary of this ''new you'' for she will notice a change in you --- but small consistent, considerate gestures such as this, will melt her heart eventually...

          As for your little sister - Communication is the lifeblood of all relationships. Allot time to have her visit you to spend some quality time with her --- Talk to her. Talk to her about all of this. Entrust her with your thinking and tell her of what you would like to accomplish with your 'loud' sister... Tell her that part of the reason you will do this is so that your little sister need not be caught in the middle defending you anymore and that you want her to enjoy the peace that would come from a truce between you and your 'loud' sis, make her a part of this process. Ask her to be strong and to Sabr and that (very importantly) if this is to work - she must not interject when your sister badmouths you as her defence of you will only encourage worse behaviour as it shows her preference for you. By including her - she will feel entrusted and not betrayed and furthermore - this endevour of yours sets an excellent example for your little sister aswell, it will ultimately make her respect you more and strengthen your bond.

          Everytime you make the attempt to contact your 'loud' sister - just before you pick up the phone to call - Recite Surah Inshirah with all your heart accompanied by your silent prayer, bring the Almighty into your plan and Insha-Allah, there will come relief to this feud and you will be blessed for your efforts...

          • Assalamualaikum my beloved sister Rabia,

            i took my first baby steps today. I spoke to my father and though i couldnt bring myself to call my sis, i sent her a text mesg. Nothing much, just greetings..but i couldnt bring up the apology for that birthday. My mum just hapned to reveal a conversation that hapned with her which was about me and it really enraged me since it indicated how much malice she has for me. If i got into the details then ill have too much to type and you will have too much nonsense to read. In short she creates misunderstandings between me and my parents though she knows our relationship is delicate anyway. She did something like that last yr with my little sis and almost made her believe that i hate her and have no respect for her. I thank Allah that though she was told to keep that rubbish thought to herself she decided to confront me and then believed me over it..
            Have u seen those reality shows sister.. in which the participants allow snakes to crawl over them or consume disgusting stuff? Well it was just as hard to type stuff like '' hey how r u?'' to her. I was being fake actually and so was she. So like that, somehow i took my first step, as for my dad things were different. I felt like i was choking, he did sound like he truly cared and i dont think i hate him as much as i thought i did. Im just mad at him, very mad.
            sister Rabia, my parents live in another town so if some1 wants to visit me he/she has to spend at least a night after a 4 hour drive so i cant really invite her if i dont want her to spend the night over. As for the youngest she is having a very hard tym. She is running late with her internship coz she had to take 3 months break due to the breakdown and so there is no1 to accompany her. Her latest posting is in a burn's ward and its not easy. She is always pukish and teary. I will talk to her once she sounds a bit relaxed in the mean time ill have tothink about my next sweet conversation with 'miss hater'.
            I cant believe im doing this but for some reason im feeling lighter. It was just about a few days ago when i complained that i dont hear about many great women in islam except those who were related to the prophets some1 told me about Rabiya Baseri (r.a) and about her profound unconditional love for Allah, and the more i read about her the more i wished to b like her. Is it a coincidence that i just found comfort in some1 with the same name?
            Dear sister, i wont b able to even recognize u if i saw u somewhere even if u were to stand next to me to pray in the mosque of mecca or madina but ill pray to Allah to give u the best in this world and make ur journey as easy as it should and i will pray for me to succeed so i should c u with the righteous if not here then somewhere else.. In another space on another tym. I will recognize u there for sure sister in sha Allah.. U cannot b ordinary and my guide for my akhirah both at the same tym. May u continue the good work of being what u r best at. Plz do continue to pray for me so that i dont falter or give up altogether.

            I love u for the sake of Allah.

  7. Wslm dearest sister

    I am so happy to hear this. It is exactly as it should be. This will take much time and patience and there will be times you will feel that by taking a single step forward, you are left many steps behind - such is the nature of healing the past, you cannot progress without reliving its wounds and facing fears long dormant within yourself. And you will feel false, a hypocrit unto yourself and as though you are cheating yourself of justice and vindication - but that is the beauty of our Deen, that we serve something greater than ourselves and that in circumstances such as this, we ''choose'' the right path over and in spite of ourselves and for the greater overall good. And therein lies a satisfaction far greater than the sweetness of revenge.
    Remember your intentions are noble and as such its execution will be met at every turn with shaitaan's whispers of doubt. Press on. And you will slowly continue to feel lighter such that weights will be lifted from your shoulders that you had't even realised were there until their release and ultimately you will find a sense of peace. With each tiny step closer to your family, you will learn mercy and forgiveness, patience, tolerance and insight and you will grow exponentially closer to the Almighty.
    Take your Qur'an every morning and recite Surah Yaseen, followed by Surah Inshirah and a Dua for the day (and teach this practice to your little sister), it will help you both immensely and make the way easier for you, Insha-Allah. It has always helped me. Take heart and keep hope warmly lit, May the Almighty guide you every step of the way, Insha-Allah.

  8. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

    you said " me and my new groom were trying to bond on the dinner table, she popped her head in the middle to feed my husband a spoonful of ice cream (which was sweet) but when he refused she flipped her hair in a very corny way and said" how is this sweet ?
    &
    "Whenever my husband and I would discuss something, she would intervene and especially if we were to disagree (not argue) she would inevitably support him."
    &
    "After I finished and left the table she came with her half eaten plate and sat near my husband. "

    complicated problem. simple solution inshaAllah.

    avoid free mixing of men and women who are non mahram.

    The Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) enforced separation of men and women even at Allaah’s most revered and preferred place, the mosque. This was accomplished via the separation of the women’s rows from the men’s; men were asked to stay in the mosque after completion of the obligatory prayer so that women will have enough time to leave the mosque; and, a special door was assigned to women. Evidence of the foregoing are:

    Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said that after Allah’s Messenger (May peace and blessings be upon him) said "as-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullah’ twice announcing the end of prayer, women would stand up and leave. He would stay for a while before leaving. Ibn Shihab said that he thought that the staying of the Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) was in order for the women to be able to leave before the men who wanted to depart." Narrated by al-Bukhari under No. 793.

    Abu Dawood under No. 876 narrates the same hadith in Kitab al-Salaat under the title "Insiraaf an-Nisaa’ Qabl al-Rijaal min al-Salaah" (Departure of Women before Men after the Prayer). Ibn ‘Umar said that Allah’s Messenger (May peace and blessings be upon him) said: "We should leave this door (of the mosque) for women." Naafi’ said: "Ibn ‘Umar never again entered through that door until he died." Narrated by Abu Dawood under No. 484 in "Kitab as-Salah" under the Chapter entitled: "at-Tashdid fi Thalik".

    Everyone needs to fear Allah.
    We should avoid free mixing.

    How can your sister move around your husband that way ? and speak with him so freely?
    Tell your parents that Islam does not allow free mixing and see to that you take proper measures to avoid free mixing when you go to meet your parents along with your family and there is your sister and her husband present there.

    and apple green sister you must have protective jealously towards your husband. Tell him how much you love him and are jealous when you see him speak with another women. Tell him that you cannot bear that. Tell him things like that.

    May Allah grant us success. May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family, and Companions.

    • You are absolutely right brother.

      Sometimes people here think that we r over reacting when we object to free mixing. Its sad that even muslims ridicule when we leave the room when a non mehram enters. I hope to migrate to a muslim country: sometimes i pray very hard but mayb its Allah's will.
      I fear for my children's imaan. This place is full of fitna and prejudice against islam.
      Pray for ur muslim brothers and sisters who r struggling everyday to keep their imaan strong in non islamic nations.
      Jazak Allah khair for your response to this post.

  9. Wa antum fa jazakumullahu khairan.

    If you are planning to migrate then give your preferences to Mecca and Madina and then others

    The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said, "There will be no town which Ad-Dajjal will not enter except Mecca and Medina, and there will be no entrance (road) (of both Mecca and Medina) but the angels will be standing in rows guarding it against him, and then Medina will shake with its inhabitants thrice (i.e. three earthquakes will take place) and Allah will expel all the non-believers and the hypocrites from it."
    [Bukhari]

    may Allah make it easy for you and us.

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  10. Can we get an update?

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