My sister in law is driving me crazy
Asalamu Alaikum,
I got married 3 months ago, moved in with my inlaws, mom and dad in law, who I love and get along with very well. My sister in law who has a son and a baby on the way, move in with us, they live in the room across from me... in one room, her husband makes a decent amount of money to get their own place, however they plan on staying with us for 6 months.
As a woman I like to have control of things around the house, before she came I cooked for my husband , cleaned everything with no problem, however ever since she has been here her comments and opinions have been driving me crazy, she always has something to say about what I cook and how I cook, and tells me what liquids I should use or I shouldn´t to clean, this really bothers me . Many times I tried cooking she had comments about it and I didn´t end up cooking, I feel like I have no privacy at all since she has been here , she does not work or go to school nor does she help around the house at all....she sits and tells everyone what to do and how to do it..... especially my husband (her younger brother) she has her husband and her other brother who are always home but never does she ask her husband to do anything at all... the first person to bother is my husband.. I am going crazy she tries to control our lives she does not understand that we are married and have a family of our own, she is always knocking on our door and when we have plans of our own she gets offended or she makes me feel bad....she plans things she loves to do all the time and feels like we all have to do it with her... I don´t know what to do...
Asshyah
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Salaam Aysaah,
I am sorry that you are feeling this sense of interference overload in your home.
Whilst this all feels very annoying to you, I sincerely believe that the problem here is that you just don't each other well enough yet to have accepted each other's ways, and as you develop a relate ship and start to love each other as real sisters do, the tension that you are feeling will begin to dissipate.
I will give you a personal example. I have an aunt who is very harsh with her tougue, honestly - she has a loud creaky voice, and if she is speaking you can almost guarantee that it is offensive and harsh to anyone who is listening. In the begiinning, her harshness and bluntness really put me off, but over time as I have come to know her, I have understood that this is the way that she is, and she doesn't mean harm: it's just her personality. These days, I absolutely look forward to her gruffness and I would miss it if it wasn't there - she has become a source of comedy for me, and I love her original and unique way of being.
The cause of this change was not that she changed, or that I changed....the cause of this change was that from accepting her the way that she is, and I was able to love her exactly as she was and find a way to enjoy her, and have fun with her, and see her constant critising for what it was : her contribution to our family!
The secret to change in your family and environment is not that you change, or that she change: but rather that you shift the focus from "me" and "her" and work towards building the relationship between you so that you can fit together as "us". Sometimes you will need humour, other times patience - but as you find more to appreciate her, inshaAllah a bond will grow between you and the next time she starts telling you it should be this way or that way, it will make you smile and you will say "stop nagging for goodness sake, you know I can't handle it when you go off like that!" and it will not hurt her feelings at all, because you know each other very well, and you have come to understand each other.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
As salamu alaykum, Sister Aysaah,
Sister Leyla has given you an excellent advice, acceptance and love, certainly good ingredients to see your reality with other colour. I would love to add a few more ingredients to your pot, patience, healthy boundaries and respect, insha´Allah.
I do imagine you as a young energetic woman, I really like you, because I can see you as myself many years ago. I will tell you a tip that I have learnt with time, when we have to be with people that likes to control everything, we have to settle boundaries, this is you territory this is mine, I care about my husband and my room is private space, you don´t have to be harsh but being firm would be good for you, if you are cooking, finish your cook the way you always do, your husband likes your food, you can tell her to explain you with detail how she does it, but at this moment you are doing it your own way, maybe one day you will try her way, open ways, communication, let her feeling important, with the right boundaries, nothing wrong with this, insha´Allah.
If you are used to some liquids, listen to her and tell her that maybe one day you will try them, but for now you are happy with what you have, boundaries again, you take her into account, you respect her opinion but you are the one that is cleaning.
Related to your room, talk to your husband, let him know that at certain times you need intimacy with him and you don´t feel comfortable with her knocking the door at anytime, boundaries again, subtle but effective boundaries, insha´Allah.
Related to go out, talk to your husband and ask for his advice what he thinks about choosing one day a week to share with family, to be with them out, or whatever,...this way she will know where the limit is, insha´Allah.
To get this you have to be respectful, firm but at the same time talk smoothly, calm, being sure of what you are saying and doing.
To be able to survive this during the time you have to be with them you need to change your attitude from roots and thank her Presence to Allah (swt) because if not you will lose your health and you don´t want that.
I am sure you will do your best, don´t stop doing what you were used to do, do it, accepting, loving, respecting and thanking her Presence, she is helping you to strive to be a better muslimah, Alhamdulillah.
Changing your attitude and focusing this as what it is, a test, you will ask Allah(swt) to guide you through every step, keep praying your salat, make duas to Allah(swt), be sure He (swt) listens to you and know about all your efforts and struggles, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please forgive me, I forgot to add this two links, that would be interesting to read, there is a comment made by Sister Jannah about a book call "Toxic inlaws", in the first link you have a review of the author and of the book, our Sister highly recommend it, I haven´t read it yet, but maybe interesting for you to know about it, insha´Allah.
But as always take everything with a pinch of salt and experience by yourself what it is the best for you, you are the only one that are in your shoes.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/husband-not-standing-up-for-me/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/problems-with-inlaws/
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor