Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents are forcing my sister to get married because of my past mistakes.


I am sorry in advance for any mistakes. I am in a bad and confused state. I am 19 and my sister is 20, I just took my 12th grade exams Alhumdulillah and my sister just took her 3rd year (Bachelor of commerce) exam and now Alhumdulillah is working.

I want to tell a little about my sister. She is a really good human being and a good sister Alhumdulillah. She is very ambitious and is very serious about her education. She can sacrifice anything but her ambitions for her it is her life and somewhere it is not wrong because she is a good student ALHUMDULILLAH. Whereas me; to be true I am nothing even though passed 12th grades ALHUMDULILLAH. I have been a bad student, bad daughter, bad human and now I guess I am a really bad sister :(:(.

I trust ALLAH SWT a lot, I know that what ever happens is HIS will.

The thing is since my sister is 20 my parents are now worried about her wedding. I believe strongly that ALLAH SWT has kept the right person somewhere and when time comes she will get married to him INSHALLAH. However, my parents are not willing to understand that :(. Once a proposal came, my sister said that she is not rejecting that proposal or saying that she won't marry but she need time. I want to be successful at least till ALLAH swt wills but before that no. She says she is not ready now physically and mentally and as I know in Islam no one can force a girl into marrying.

The thing is, I have a bad past, which is now effecting my sister's life:(. My parents say that they want my sister to marry before something happens to them. OK, I agree and it is true but when and how that only will happen with ALLAH's will. My parents are somehow not really ready to understand, have tried so hard but they are not willing. The thing is now because of my past also my parents are worried, they want to get her married because I committed zina, which was 4 years back.

My parents are worried about me too. When I try to explain saying that it is upto them to search the right person but why you forcing her why? My parents don't tell it directly but indirectly they say its because of me and this really hurts me. Somewhere I am ready to sacrifice my life for my sister, at least in life somewhere I will be happy that she could follow her dreams, but I can't as she is the elder and I am the younger and in our culture the older girl has to marry first.

I have asked a lot of people they say calm down and talk to your parents. My sister and I also tried it, when my sister tried the way they started hiding from here that they are looking a guy for here. People say at least a mother would understand but in our case its not like that. When my sister gave up on my mother, I tried in fact kept trying in sweet, calm and low voice that it's my sister who is getting married, not me our you. Whe has to spend her life with that one man, so whats the point in forcing her emotionally? I understand that you wanna see her married before anything happens ASTAGFIRLLAH but leave that to ALLAH swt. If ALLAH wills you will be able to see her marriage and mine. If ALLAH SWT doesn't will then none will see that.

She gets mad at me (I said all this and she got up in anger and she was showing actions that you are mad; there is nothing in your head; you don't know anything so, you shut-up). My mother always says this to me and also says you have done mistakes so you are not allowed to speak. After that all I do is cry and she doesn't care about it; my mom hates taking advice from me or even my opinion. This thing was even before my bad past; it was from the starting. Why I still have no answer? Why from the start life; I still have no answer anyways.

I feel bad now, very bad, very guilty that only because of me and my past everyone is forcing my sister to marry. I love my family so much but why me ? Just because of my past, why is my sister punished? It is killing me badly my parents are like covering their ears from me and my sister. We have no relatives or other elder ones who will explain my parents, instead my relatives are brainwashing my parents everyday. They say that your younger daughter already has sinned who will marry her? You better get big sister married and get her also married and the worst part is my parents get brain washed. My parents know these relative are not good but still they listen.

I don't care about myself but I am worried about my sister. I feel soo bad; I pray always that my sins do not affect her. Though, I know in ALLAH swt we all are individual humans and we get individual punishments for our own sins but I feel bad that my parents are punishing her because of me. I really don't know what to do? My parents don't want to even listen to me nor my sister. I feel bad, my sister doesn't show it but she is hurt and she and I both know its only because of she is facing all this but she never shows. I want to help her but how? I pray always that she gets a good life INSHALLAH but why are people punishing her for my sins? Just because we are sisters?

I tell things to my mother because she is not educated. I say her so that she would let my sister to become ready and once she is, she told her that she will marry iA. She just wants 2 - 3 more years and I am ready to get married the day after her no problem, if that is what they want but, why are they doing so? I am not a good daughter I know and to be honest I am not as good as my sister in studies. So, if I fight for my education after my sin that won't work but if she does they should understand. She never said she does not want to marry; she is just asking more time. I know my parents want our best and our happiness but why in a hurry?

I can't forgive myself now. I am the bad ever person and bad ever sister on earth. I guess none is like me :(:(:(.

My past is mine it has nothing to do with her. I will get my punishment I know but why punish my sister. I know that ALLAH SWT won't let anything bad happen with her INSHALLAH. I know why I was with a past and it reviled. It was for me to realize my mistake which I was at that time doing. ALLAH SWT gave me so many chances to change but I didn't and I got this; a lesson for all my life:(. I know that ALLAH SWT won't give us a test that we can't take and finish and pass. Its just that we have to be strong.

Will my past be heavy on my sister's future? I am scared if once she might not even look at me and all life blame me that just because of my past I spoiled her life :(. In my family; my dad has no good relation with his sisters; I always prayed that at least we sister and brother be one always and there for each other but my brother never bothers about his sisters. He doesn't even care and he was also such with me from birth; he was never in good terms with me. He hated my complexion though he was good with my sister. Forget me at least he can help my sister but no he shows no interest and my parents listen to him more but he never have feelings for me and about marriage for my sister.

I wish I could do something for my sister but I am just such a bad sister:(:(:(. The baddest anyone can get:(; my parents don't want to listen at any cost. I am helpless :(:(:(:(. I don't know what help to ask also :(:(.

If everyone can please pray for my sister not for me that at least she can fulfill her dreams :(:( (this doesn't mean that I am being great by saying all this. I am also human in the end I do need duas but right now its my sister who needs it more).

ALLAH HAFIZ...sorry for any mistake

P.S:  I love my family a lot even my sister does. I strongly feel somewhere that my sins won't fall on my sister; my punishments will be mine alone.

We tried a lot explaining my family but nothing is working.


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6 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    My sister, you have indeed committed a major sin. And the problem is that everyone in your family knows about it. It is difficult to get rid of this and erase it from everyone's minds.

    I hope you have done Tawbah and doing it everyday. Because Allah is The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. People do not forgive, Allah Forgives all sins on Tawbah. Turn to Allah in Repentance and keep all your duties to Him.

    You are disturbed due to this (that everyone knows about it and they talk about it) and you feel that whatever you did, your sister is facing the consequenses.

    Allah does not punish anyone for someone else's sins. So, you should worry about your sins and have them erased from your Register of Deeds.

    Your parents' concern is valid and their worry is valid, too. You said your sister works. They probably fear that anything wrong happens and your sister is in the same state as you are, and the entire family speak of her as they speak of you.

    I have a cousin sister, who is 17, and my maternal aunt is already looking for a suitable boy for her. My younger sister who is as old as your sister, my mother is looking for a boy for her. All this is normal and parents' concern is valid. And in your case, they have a reason to do so. And they are not punishing your sister by it, but doing her a favor.

    Its their responsibility and they are carrying it as they can.

    Your sister isn't ready for the marriage, because she probably wants to work for some years. But sister, the World is not kind to the women. It isn't wise for any parent to sit at rest, while their daughter is at the age of her marriage. Otherwise, it becomes difficult later.
    Do you intend that your sins do not effect your sister, then you should probably convince your sister to listen to your parents. Because, if your parents find her a boy who likes her, then Alhamdulillah, she'll stay happy, but if you people delay, and people come to know about you and deny your sister, it'll be difficult for her to find a boy.

    I know my mother's cousin, who wanted to study before she can marry and I think also wanted to work for some years. She delayed her marriage. She is now over 30 I believe, still unmarried, and struggling to find a man to marry.

    Make sure this does not happen with your sister. So, convince her to get married. She can perhaps even consider working, after her wedding, if her husband allows her.

    This was about your sister. Now about you, my sister.

    Why do you think Allah will punish you for your sins? Allah loves His servants and does not like to Punish them. Instead, he tells the Malaaik not to write the sin, until the servant gets enough chances to come back and repent. Even after writing, if you do good deeds and repent to Allah, He may erase your shop and even convert them into good deeds.
    Even you are Iis servant and He loves you. Just repent to Him and Hope for His Mercy, and Fear His Punishment. This is faith, which is between fear and hope.

    Please do not despair from Allah's Mercy, it is much wider than our sins. If we all humans were to do the most major shop on Earth. Allah Has more Mercy than all of there sins.

    This was for you, my sister. Insha Allah, gradually, even the people will accept you.

    Please advise your sister to perform Salatul Istikhaarah regarding marriage and open her mind to the idea of marriage. She is old enough to get married.

    I pray that Allah Forgives you and opens your sister's mind
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Shooki,

    You are not a bad sister nor a bad person. You are a young woman who has made some very bad decisions. Repent and seek Allah's forgiveness as Allah if oft forgiving. Keep yourself away from situations where you know they are not good for you. Surround yourself with your family and continue to do well in school. Due to your past actions, it will take a long time to prove yourself to your parents. No matter what, keep your head up and move forward. There is nothing to be gained by living in your past. Continue to grow as a person and keep Allah close to your heart.

    As a parent myself, I understand your parents situation and how they feel. are not your sister and your sister is not you. You are both individuals and should never be held accountable for the other's actions.

    Your sister needs to stand for herself and be strong and not allow your parents to force her into a marriage not of her choosing. It is your sisters right to marry the person whom she chooses to marry, end of story. May Allah guide you and keep you on the straight path of Islam.


  3. Salaam sister Shooki,

    InshaAllah you are doing okay.

    Regarding your sister's marriage, if your respected parents are not willing to listen to her choice and your sister is not interested on your parents' choice, then they both need to come to some sort of compromise. My suggestion is, your respected sister should agree with your parents' decision to marry now, provided your parents find a brother who is willing and wants (doesn't mind at all) his future wife to continue with studies and then inshaAllah work after marriage, and possible have kids at much later stage.

    If your sister is passionate and can contribute something good to the society then she must sit her ground rules. She should try not let her future marriage life to stop her from achieving her aims, goals and dreams in life.

    Once, inshaAllah your parents finds a suitable match for your sister, then if need be your sister could outline her study, work and kids terms in her marriage contract. For instance, one of my friend she would not stand second wife business, therefore she said she is going add this crucial point in her marriage contract and if one day her future husband wishes to have second wife, he should seek her permission first, but if the husband ends up with second wife she would then show the contract terms and if he doesn't stick to the terms then she would leave him. I know this sounds 'O My goodness!'but this friend of mine doesn't want to take chances as this second marriages are fairly common amongst her people.

    sister, therefore, you should tell your sister to have a talk with your parents about this, that she would only see those proposals who are totally okay with her to study and work after marriage and none other. Try this. InshaAllah, your parents will compromise with this.

    Best wishes 🙂

    And sister dear, take no notice of what people says about your past. You need to deal with that issue with your Creator, Allah (swt) alone. Repent and ask for forgivness from Allah (swt) after each salah. InshalAllah, become a better Muslimah. And each time your mother reminds of your past mistake, say 'sorry' to her and seek for forgivness from Allah (swt). Also, sister, go back to your studies. Do a course that you find interesting and could possibly have a job for you at the end. This is only for your own security purpose. InshaAllah, be active and happy 🙂

    Take care.
    Your sister, Parveen.

  4. Asalamoalaikum sister,

    You are going through a difficult time and you have committed a grave sin in the past. However, there is hope and firstly before giving you advice on your sister’s situation, I want to give you some advice. I want you to forgive yourself and not lose hope in Allah swt’s mercy. You went astray, you committed a grave sin but you mustn’t lose hope because you’re still breathing and you still have time to ask for repentance. So the first thing you need to do is ask for sincere repentance and make a firm intention to never walk that path again.

    Allah swt states:

    "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    This is an extremely powerful statement and speaks volumes. There is hope and it is not the end of the world. You need to stand up again, forget what happened and take it has a huge lesson for what not to do again. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t ruin it because of your past.

    I am unsure if you informed your parents of your sin or if they found out. If you told them yourself, you shouldn’t have. It was your duty to conceal your sin and leave it where it should be, in the past. This is why I truly believe a person should never expose their sins because if they truly repent, people may not be able to forgive and even if they do, they can never forget. Allah swt on the other hand will forgive and forget, and he will wipe your slate clean, only if you are sincere with your tauba.

    You need to sit down with your family and have a direct discussion with them regarding your past sin. Explain to them how much you regret it and if you had the opportunity to go back in time you would never walk that path. Inform them of your guilt and how you are constantly asking Allah swt for forgiveness, and if they cannot forgive you, how are you supposed to forgive yourself? You have to move on from this in your life. It was a dark time and now it’s over. Your family and you need to stop bashing yourself over this. It’s over, the past cannot be changed, the damage has been done but there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. An important thing I’d like to add in is that please do not tell your future husband or anyone about this sin; please also stress this to your family. You are commanded to conceal your sins.

    It was narrated that Saalim ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: I heard Abu Hurayrah say: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

    “All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).

    So I cannot stress how important it is that you never leak your past. Most men do not have the ability to cope with the fact that their wife has been touched by another man. This goes for many women as well. This is your duty and your family’s duty to ensure that there are no problems for you because of your past.

    Now, coming down to your sister’s situation. I can relate to her a lot since I’m quite motivated to achieve my educational goals which is to complete my masters and eventually my Phd. I myself am in the midst of getting a proposal finalized with a guy who is great, alhumdulillah. It was a formal proposal that my family received, he is a good human being who is religiously inclined and we have spoke within Islamic limits for the past 6 months. Initially however, I was hesitant to move forward because I still have 2 years of my masters to complete (ideally, I wanted to get married after my masters). However, I realized that he has no problem with helping me pursue my education (and is completely open to me working in the future) and ideally his family and my family want for a nikah to happen soon. I won’t be living him however till I have completed my masters because I do feel it may be difficult for me to manage full time school and work alongside getting married and enjoying the “honeymoon phase”, etc. In a nutshell, I’m in a similar situation as your sister and what I’m trying to point out is that I am willing to compromise because I do not want to loose a good proposal.

    If your sister is not ready mentally (and her sole reason is because she wants to complete her education), maybe your family and her can make compromises such as what my family and I have made? If she is not mentally ready at all and education is one of those reasons, then your parents should give her some time because she is only 20. If she was in her mid 20s I would understand why your parents were pushing the topic of marriage so much but at the end of the day her wishes need to be respected. I suggest she has a direct conversation with your parents herself since it is about her and she can best convey her feelings.
    I would like to point out however that try to ease her into the concept of marriage. In today’s society a lot of people get married and complete their education post-marriage. I have seen live examples of friends and classmates who have taken this route and alhumdulillah are enjoying their lives while also pursuing their educational goals. It’s become difficult in today’s society to get married early because of how long it takes for students to complete their education. So tell your sister that sometimes things don’t go as we plan and we have to take different roads to complete to our goals.

    There are many avenues that can be taken here and she needs to decide what’s best for her and what she is happy with. Your parents also need to let go of your past and once they do they will ease into this whole marriage issue with your sister and possibly even post-pone the marriage talks.

    -Helping Sister

  5. Salaams,

    I agree with Parveen, your sister shouldn't be looking at marriage as though it is an automatic bar from her completing school. There is the option of her marrying someone and continuing her studies, going on to work, etc. However, I don't think it bodes well for a parent to force their child to start thinking about marriage if they are not ready or willing to do so. Marriage is a HUGE undertaking, with challenges even for those who are ready and excited to come together. How much more stressful will it be for someone who is entering it only halfheartedly? Those are embers to stoke the flames of resentment...against her parents and possibly against her future husband.

    The only other aspect I wanted to point out is that you said it's a cultural value that the elder sibling marry first. Sister, even if you hadn't committed any sins, based on that alone your parents would still be pressuring her to marry someone. They might be trying to use that as an excuse, but I have read enough stories of that same thing happening without the sin factor being a cause. I hate to say it, but if your sister buys into that lie, and starts to blame you for something that is strictly upon the shoulders of your parents, then she would be in the wrong. I hope that your sister is objective enough to see what is really going on, and doesn't hold you at fault.

    Maybe you, your sister and your mother need to have a girl's night out where this issue can be discussed from all views. In the end, even if your mother refuses to understand or change her way of handling this, your sister wields the ultimate power because she can refuse any and all proposals until she is good and ready.

    -Amy Editor

    i thank u all soo much for the reply...feel better after reading all the comments....but still it is very hard for me to leave my past away....and i guess my past would always walk with me all my life...
    but lets see INSHALLAH..i am always trying to change..but sumtimes it becomes soo hard to fight the bad side of me...i need alot of duas for it..but INSHALLAH i pray it happens soon even before its too late....INSHALLAH..
    about my sister...i agree with what all you all said about it is normal with parents to do so..and she too knows that she cant loose a good guy.she is ready for so...but my parents they are like getting anyone..for her hu is less educated for her..tho she also kws in the end what ALLAH swt has kept she will get that...but i jst dont want my parents to get someone and give her...just because of me...and later regret...because in my place its hard to find a good educated and well established guy...again we kw in the end what ever happens is with ALLAH swt wills...but just that with me name ( my past ) dnt want them to rush....
    And my parents i dnt kw....what to say..anything happen even apart from my sister or me..anything with the parents say that cz of my past...they cant talk...and it makes me feel bad
    i kw they r hurt and they r scared as well.....
    i jst dont kw what i should do..i jst pray that i can pass with full strength the test of ALLAH SWT....
    again JAZAKALLAH to everyone..alottttttttttttttttttttttttttt

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