Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Six months with no contact from husband abroad

Payphone hanging off the hook

aoa all,

It's been about 1 year since I got married to a man in UK. He spent only 6 days with me after the marriage, then left. During the starting days he was very nice, but he told me on the second day that he is keeping one secret from me but he would not tell me what it is, and took a promise from me that I would not ask him. Before marriage his family promised that he will bring me to UK, but when I applied for a visa I came to know that he doesn't submit salary slips because his income dooen't meet the salary threshold for sponsoring his wife. I guess that was the secret he wanted to tell me out of emotions at that time.

I was living with his family at his home, with his 2 sisters (one 40 years old and divorced; the other 37 years and unmarried). His mother said if he told us about them, we surelywouldn't have gotten married there. His mother was treating me like servant. I had a job, but he used to say to me and my family many times to quit the job, and that they made me marry to do their work at home.

He doesn't allow me to visit my family. Whenever I came to my mother's home, she says bad things about even my character to my husband, and calls my mother saying "we will divorce her -my son will divorce her if she doesn't quit the job. She is a very bad girl". Actually she doesn't want me to be happy, as her daughters are not happy in their lives. But it's my fault? She is continuously feeding him bad words against me. The last time I came to my mother's home, my mother in law called my mother saying "don't send her to our home. If she quits the job, then come here".

It's now been 6 months of no contact ,but some days ago my in laws got to know that I am going to Germany. My sister in law called me saying that my husband doesn't wish for me go to Germany. I said "ok, I won't go if he comes back to Pakistan permanently". She said "yes, he is coming back in 3-4 months. Call your husband and bring your parents to our home to apologize and making all situation clear". My family said "it's not our fault, so then why would we apologize? These people lied to us and decieved us. If they need you they should come". I did'nt call my husband, neither he contacted me. Do I quit my opportunity of scholarship for that man who never bothered to call me for 6 months only due to his mother? Who always think wrong about me, and threatens me with divorce?

Am I wrong if decide for divorce from an Islamic point of view? Is it bad idea that I go to Germany and join my husband there? If he wanted to come, why he didn't he come when he promised to come to Pakistan in Feb 2014, and now it's April 2014? Will he really come back if I quit the scholarship? Why these people are so stubborn? Is it not their pride that their daughter in law is getting a scholarship by the government, and instead they are insecure of my success? What is right for me?



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18 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Asiya,

    I have read your other two posts and based on what you have written, this is what I understand:

    *you are living with your in-laws since marriage without your husband (except for a few days)
    *they expect you to do housework for them
    *you are being emotionally black-mailed with the threat of divorce if you do not "obey" them, including your parents

    I am sure this is just part of it, but looking at these few things, none of them describe a marriage.

    You should speak to an Imam regarding the divorce.

    Based on what you have written, marriage is not living with your in-laws without your husband. Either go back to your parent's house OR go to Germany (I believe that is where your husband is), but do not stay living with your in-laws.

    It appears that your husband is failing to take responsibility for leading the marriage with you and it also seems the ulterior motive is to have a free-helping hand in the home, which unfortunately, some families do by marrying their son to an unsuspecting girl.

    May Allah ease your burden and help you through this difficult time. Ameen. Pray Isthikhara, make a decision and stay steadfast on both your Deen and decision.

  2. AsSalamu Alaikum Sister Asiya,
    I remembered reading that a man cannot leave his wife for more than 6 months without a valid excuse. I searched and found some info:
    I think if I were you I would definitely go and talk to the Imam at your masjid, and then to an Islamic judge for an annulment. I'm revert to Islam and I study Islam at home and at the masjid. I understand the seriousness of the commitment of marriage. It sounds like you are young, you do not have children, and your husband's mother (who would always be a big part of your life) is not strong in her practice of Islam, or she would not be backbiting you as you said she does, and would not make you quit your job unless it was part of the marriage contract. It sounds like your husband may not be legally earning money and reporting his wages. It sounds like he is not honest with you.

    If I were you, I would get the annulment and use your scholarship in Germany and after completions of your studies when you are ready to get married, be sure that you speak to the man and his family about the Sunna of Rasool Allah Salallahu Alayhi Wasalam and the Quran, and let them know that you are interested in a man who strives as well as his family to practice the Sunna in their character. (no backbiting)! There are many Muslim men who are close to the Sunna, this is the husband for you. Go to your Imam and get the support of your Muslim sisters who are educated in the Sunnah. Truly, peace can only be found in practicing Islam through studying the Quran and Sunna in daily life. May Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala help you to understand His will for you, and give you patience through your struggle. Ameen.

  3. My husband of 6 years left me 4 months ago and sulking at parents home... I ask where does a woman in islam stand?? The husband showed no commiment, didnt live with her, took no responsibilty. Wld torture n humiliate her n when wife opened her mouth and swore. He played the respect card n refuses to take my calls n listen to reason????
    Everyday these men get worse and poor women suffer...

    • I hear you sister Shemila. May Allah ease your difficulties, successful over your trials and patient in your hardships, Ameen.

      We have to remember to not blame Islam--on the Day of Judgement, it is us humans that will stand in the court of Allah swt, not our Deen.

      May Allah give us the wisdom to raise our boys and girls to be righteous, humble and kind Muslims and Muslimahs, Ameen.

  4. Salam Asiya,

    This is not a marriage at all if your husband left without contacting you. Do you know his address? Can you contact him yourself? Can you Skype him / email him etc. You should not have married him just because he can bring you to UK. I know you want a better life but you also need to consider about the person himself. You barely stayed with him - 6 days, and how much do you know about this family and this man? Is he a good muslim? Does he pray? What is his job? Where in UK he is staying? Based on what you wrote, his family just want to "buy" a girl to serve the family.

    About joining him abroad, is he financially capable of going to Germany to live with you? What profession does he do? He seems so secretive and hide things from you. This is not marriage. Being poor is one thing but deceiving others to marry him is not acceptable.

    Sister, if you really want to continue your study, you should go for it as it is not an easy opportunity to get a scholarship. If you want him to join you in Germany, you'd better sort out if he is a good muslim that you are willing to spend your life with. Imagine, you and him will live on "one" scholarship at least for a while before he can find a job. Otherwise, you'd better to sort out the divorce before you go to Germany.

  5. Wow I can't believe you are even tolerating this. If I were you I would have left long ago and would have just done my own thing- in your case continue with studies and forget your in laws and your 'husband' he can't even fulfil his responsibilities!

    A question arises as to who should serve the parents when they are old, weak or otherwise helpless on account of sickness when there is none in the house except their son and his wife? Even in such a situation, the daughter-in-law is not bound, according to the Shari'ah to serve her in-laws. It is, however, a matter of blessings and virtue for her if she serves them of her own free will with the belief to please Allah and to receive reward in the Hereafter. The son should, however, realise that it is his responsibility to help and serve his parents personally or by employing a servant for this purpose. If the wife is looking after his old parents, the husband must appreciate this service and be thankful to her.
    Serving the In-laws is not obligatory

    There is another fact worthy of notice about which much negligence is observed among the people. When a wife is not responsible to cook food for her husband and his children, then she is more appropriately not responsible to cook food for the parents of the husband and his brothers and sisters. A custom has gained currency in our society that the parents of the son think that their right over the daughter-in-law has a priority over the right of the son. Therefore she is bound to serve them, no matter if she serves her husband or not. Such a misleading conception gives rise to quarrels and disputes among the daughter-in-law and other members of the family. The negative results of this conception are obvious to require any comments.

    The Husband should serve his parents himself
    A question arises as to who should serve the parents when they are old, weak or otherwise helpless on account of sickness when there is none in the house except their son and his wife? Even in such a situation, the daughter-in-law is not bound, according to the Shari'ah to serve her in-laws. It is, however, a matter of blessings and virtue for her if she serves them of her own free will with the belief to please Allah and to receive reward in the Hereafter. The son should, however, realise that it is his responsibility to help and serve his parents personally or by employing a servant for this purpose. If the wife is looking after his old parents, the husband must appreciate this service and be thankful to her.

    • Ali, I am not sure that he is actually still her husband. I follow Maliki fiqh, and I believe if a man doesn't have sex with his wife or support her for a certain duration of time, the marriage is considered ended. If he promises to return and doesn't, it seems to me that he is refusing to have sex with her. And if he is refusing her, then she is divorced, and her in-laws are not her in-laws.

      She needs to see a lawyer and a judge and my belief is she needs to accept the scholarship since it doesn't look like her husband intends to actually be married to her. For all she knows, he may have pronounced divorce on her already and not told her.

  7. Salam, really sorry to hear about your case--may Allah help you in all the aspects of life .I can feel your pain as i myself have suffered a lot after marriage. my hubby(ex) married me and used to leave me at my parents' place for months although he was in the same city and used to live alone- I can suggest you some duas to be made during tahajjud ... DUA FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRAIGE. rabbana hab lanaa mil azwajina wa zurriyatina qurrata aa' yuniww wajalnaa lil muttaqeena imamaa... Its also in the first manzil of MANAJAAT E MAQBOOL and its actually from soorah e Furqan--sister--just trust Allah and keep asking Him for all your needs- Leave all on the Almighty as He is the all-knowing and the All-hearing...Also keep reciting HAZRAT YOUNUS' duua all the time .. INSHALLAH you will get help not only for a successful marraige but also in all the aspects of your life..

    May Allah help u.

  8. I would suggest get far away from him and his family as possible. They are hurting you and your family. If he loved you and cared about you he would have kept in touch. You are married to your husband not his family and they cant tell you what to do. I dont know pakistan culture and upbringing but being married to a pakistani i conclude they don not know how to treat and respect women. Sorry to be judgemental. There is no deen imaan for some of these men. Speak up for yourself and if your mother in law is being a pain speak uo woman. The days of crying in the corner are over. You have family and parents and they will support you. Take that scholarship say Bismillah and do whatever you want. If he cares about you he will come running to you. InshaAllah make you difficulties easier amd dont forget to recite Istighfar abundantly for increase in blessings.Do istikhara and ask Allah swt to show you the right path.

  9. Sister,

    Go to Germany and end this farce of a marriage. You do not have to tolerate nor do you deserve to live the way you are. Neither your husband or his family are deserving of you. May Allah guide you to what is best and make the path ahead easy for you.


  10. Salaams,

    All your questions tell me that you are not feeling secure in your marriage. On top of that, everything you've described shows you are unhappy with the situation.

    Between the two, what would be the reason you would stay?

    I bet I can answer that- you hope it will eventually change, and that he will be the husband you hoped for when you married him and live the marriage you imagined with him. But sister, that rarely happens. Proof is in action. Hoping for something doesn't amount to anything if what you are seeing doesn't match what you want.

    In general, (and this advice can go for pretty much anything) if what you have doesn't match what you want, let it go and pursue what you really desire.

    Here's the question you should be asking yourself: Do you want to go to Germany only to be with him, or would you want to go there for other reasons if he was not a factor? WHY do you want to go there? Don't assume showing up at his doorstep (if that's where he is) will resolve everything. There's a reason why he is being unclear, distant, and secretive. Trying to pry open the truth from someone who is trying to hide it usually doesn't have a fairy tale ending.

    Start thinking about what you want for your life. Where do you want to live? What do you want to do with your career? What aspirations do you have? And start moving in the direction of fulfilling those dreams. This is what will lead you to be most satisified with yourself.

    -Amy Editor

  11. Thank you very much for your advices. All going the same direction . I am really repenting on what happened to me. Plz pray for me. I request from all of you. May my life get a little easy. Ameen.

  12. salam....dear sister , its better to contact ALIMA E DEEN...but its seems to be ur right to go ahead,....may ALLAH AZZAWAJAL HELPS YOU...AAMEEEN

  13. Salam.

    • Qurat, I deleted the remainder of your comment. Please search our archives for a question and answer similar to yours. If you do not find one, then register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

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