Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She slept with him and broke my heart

lonely man, losing her,

SalamAlaikum sisters and brothers,

I was in a relationship for 7 years. Our relationship started when we were young. I loved her so much and even did my higher studies for her. Our relationship grew into haram as years passed. We commited zina and didn't even repent then because both of our deens were very low.

By that time a guy proposed to her and continuously disturbed her. She began to talk to him without my knowledge, and that relationship grew. But it was she who revealed it to me, because she didn't want it to continue. I was so heartbroken because I had warned her many times about him. We were good again, as I understood her well. But she again continued to talk with him, and this time I caught her.

After some days she asked me for a break up. I agreed, but I couldn't let her go. But she called to me again and talked to me very openly about what she feels, and I realized that even I had a role in her situation. I was ready to forgive her because I knew she loved me. She was depressed about me because I was giving her a lot of issues about her future and career. She was finding a relief in this through talking to other guy.

Again we went good, and she was understanding me well and not keeping any contact with that guy. We were taking our relation to Nikah, and then it happened all of a sudden. That guy contacted her again and brainwashed her, and she told me she needed a break up and that she was serious. I was so broken. I couldn't be without her. I began to use drugs. I was alone for 2 months and I lost all my sense.

After 4 months she contacted me, told me she loves me, and that she made a mistake in a haste. First I abused her a lot but then I knew and felt she was true. I started to talk with her. I was trying to get back normal with her, but then that guy contacted me telling me that she had been with him for 2 months and they had sexual relations many times. I was so shocked. when I asked her about this, she cried a lot and admitted it. She told me that she was so senseless then, and now she repents everything and has been a practicing muslimah since those incidents.  But I rejected her. I can't even imagine a guy touching her, so how can I bear all this?

This is a bit long, I know. But I badly need a solution. I myself am not a true believer. My Deen is too low now. I feel only hatred towards everything. She tells she want to be with me and she will only live with me. I know she deeply repented for what she did, and she loves me. but what should I do? Should I take her back into my life? I can't think of another girl. I feel I will never be happy. I loved her that much, and I am suffering this. what should I do? I love her, but the very thought of her with another guy for two months is making me worse. Please help me and say dua for me.


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11 Responses »

  1. This lady sounds like a lot of trouble. I see a pattern and that pattern is indecisiveness and jumping ship whenever she feels like.

    Let her be, and find someone more stable and balanced and doesn't follow their desires at a whim.

    Is this the woman you want to be the mother of your children? Is she the person whom will help you get to jannah?

    Think very hard brother, it's very different to love someone and another for a person to be life partner material.

    Marriage is very serious, and it's a life time commitment, you don't want to be married to a child who will tell you one day that she loves you and one day that she doesn't love you.

    It's up to you my brother, pray iistikhara and spend times improving your deen than getting caught up in drama.

  2. remove yourself from this situation atleast for 6 months. no contact. tell this girl you want to repent and so should she. aske her not to bother you.

    spend this time in improving your relationship with Allah. we all feel after a breakup that we will never be able to love some one else. you will . remember it is Allah that puts love in between the hearts and it is Him that takes away.

    iam telling you now a true story like yours. a very nice guy seeing a nice girl. they both had been together for 9 yrs and then got married. they very young age too. soon after marriage the guy got busy in job trying to provide the best for the family. girl seeks emotional support in a male colleague. husband catches her. she cryies and repents. husband loves her , again trusts her. once again she gets caught with the guy. this time husband decides to have a final word . now they are divorced. this guy took 2-3 years to come to terms with what has happened. then started to look for a girl. he is a happily married man now and blesed with a child recently.

    i would say , draw a line to how much you will allow people to use you and expliot your love.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother, before thinking about marriage, I think you need to strengthen your own deen and learn to love Islam again; from reading your post, it seems that, through seemingly small steps away from Islamic guidance, you have ended up feeling very far from Islam. Sometimes, shaitan's whispers try to convince us that doing something "only a little wrong" isn't "all that bad", and then build "little things" on top of each other until grave sins are encountered and not recognised as such. May Allah protect us all from these whispers and grant us the strength and wisdom to stay on the straight path.

    The relationship between you and this girl seems so tangled and complicated, that I imagine both of you may have experienced a lot of pain and distress over the years. I can understand your desire to keep her in your life, as she has been there for such a long time. But do you actually know who you are without her involvement? It sounds like for a lot of the past 7 years, you've either been in a haraam relationship, dealing with the drama from the relationship, or taking drugs (which totally mess up people's heads and lives). Spend some time getting free from drugs, learning who you are and what you value in life, re-connecting with Islam and repenting for what has happened. Then, think about marriage.

    We should try to forgive people who have caused us harm or sorrow, as on the Day of Judgement we will ourselves be seeking mercy and forgiveness for our sins, so try to forgive this girl. But don't make the mistake of falling back into a relationship with her. She is not your mahram, and you are not hers, so the two of you shouldn't be engaging in private or romantic contact.

    From this point on, make sure that your relationships with others follow Islamic guidance - the rules are simple, clear and there for our own protection, Alhamdulillah. Tempestuous lustful relationships may seem exciting and lead you to imagine a happy ending from a Hollywood movie, but in reality, as you have found, they tend to lead to pain, conflict and confusion. True love grows with time and shared respect and experiences, within a marriage conducted according to Islamic values.

    Remember as well, that when a believing Muslim gives something up for the sake of Allah, they will be rewarded with something much better for them.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Read carefully,

    Devil made you think your faith and belief is too low. And you accepted it. First, go to a Masjid and do Repentance. Don't tell your situation to any one in the Masjid. Just go and Ask for Forgiveness to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala).

    Have beard. Then follow the Qur'an and Sunnah Strictly. You will find answers insha'Allaah! And you will know what is wrong and what is right.

    Get it done. Fast!

    Allaah Knows the Best!

    • Assalam 3aleykoum,

      Whats a beard got to do with anything? I mean dont get me wrong. Everything else that you said made perfect sense. All of it pertained to one getting his faith and relationship with Allah SWT back on track. MashaAllah. But a beard is a sunnah--which is a very good thing but none the less has got no relevance to the brother's situation (at this very moment).


  5. Do you believe in Pre-ordainment? I do. No matter how painful the results are, when you believe in the higher power of Allah SWT and His plans and accept it? (even not understanding the reasons why) it helps me a little. The way I see it is that Allah SWT wants you get closer to HIM and not this girl. He is more important than a mere human who was also (by the way) created but Allah SWT. Pre-ordainment aka Qadar is all from Allah SWT.

    (No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees - before we bring it into existence.) (Qur'an 57: 22)

    The pen has dried, the pages have been lifted: all events that shall come to pass have already been written.

    (Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us) (Qur'an 9: 5)

    Whatever has befallen you was not meant to escape you, and whatever has escaped you was not meant to befall you: lf this belief were to be firmly ingrained in your heart, then all hardship and difficulty would become ease and comfort. The Prophet (bpuh) said:

    "Whoever Allah wishes good for, He inflicts him (with hardship). "

    For this reason, do not feel overly troubled if you are afflicted with with a loss of a person, sickness, death, or a loss in wealth. Allah has decreed these matters to occur and the decisions are His and His alone. When we truly have this faith, we shall be rewarded well and our sins shall be atoned for.

    For those that are afflicted with disaster, glad tidings await them: so remain patient and happy with your Lord.

    (He cannot be questioned as to what He does, while they will be questioned (Qur'an 21: 23)

    You will never completely feel at ease until you firmly believe that Allah has already pre-ordained all matters. The pen has dried and with it has been written everything that will happen to you. Therefore do not feel remorse over that which is not in your hands. Do not think that you could have prevented what has happened. You could not have prevented these things, whether you wanted to or not. All that has been preordained shall come to pass.

    (Then whosoever wills let hint believe, and whosoever wills, let him disbelieve (Qur'an 18: 29)

    Surrender yourself: believe in preordainment, before pangs of anger and regret overwhelm you. If you have done all that was in your power, and afterwards what you had been striving against still takes place, have firm faith that it was meant to be. Do not say, 'Had I done such-and-such, such-and-such would have happened'; rather say, 'This is the decree of Allah, and what He wishes, He does.'

    My dear brother, I am a sister who has been fooled so blindly lead into deception and so blindly believed in a man when I should only have trusted and followed the laws of Allah SWT. I wish I could go back in time and undo my mistakes. But I also thank Allah SWT for each day I wake up is another chance for Tawba. I think I have grown and I think with the past experience I am no longer the naive 28year old :). So find wisdom in your situation and turn back to Allah SWT. And what has happened has happened. I am in so much pain but I am also healing. So I pray that you find ease and faith in Allah SWT, for only He can help us.

    My warm regards and prayers,
    Sister Zahriya

  6. leave her immediately and wait for the right girl, your life be be awesome then , dont spoil ur future , the think what she has done will follow you forever , dont get too emotional that she loves me if she would have loved you she wouldn't have done that....move on bro

  7. What did you expect? Someone who disobeyed Allah and committed Zina with you, was going to be faithful to you, when she is not faithful to the one who created her? Honestly, the Zani deserves to be with the Zaniya (i hope i spelt it correctly) and the pious should be with those like them. You need to repent and if what she says about her repenting is true then if you still love her, marry her! That is all I have to say to you, and if anyone thinks i am being harsh, I honestly do not care as Zina is a grave sin and those who commit it should be shamed!

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