Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Snitching on my ex for betraying me. What does Islam say?

Rolling a marijuana joint

"He used me and betrayed me, so now I want to snitch on him for smoking weed and get him expelled from school."

I am broken hearted from my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for three years, he promised to marry me. I did things with him because he told me we will make everything Halal after getting married. I gave him everything, my soul, heart, everything! Now he told me he doesn't feel the same anymore. He dropped me in a second. He didn't give me a clear reason why he broke it with me, but I think its because the time had come where we were going to tell our parents about each other and get engaged.

I am so broken hearted and feel betrayed because he used me SO MUCH! I have been crying and praying to ALLAH because I still want him back.

I have limited my contact with him to give him space, but I am worried he is not going to come back to me. So I have decided to call up our school and tell them about his smoking weed habit. He got in trouble before too but now if the school finds out again, he will be terminated from school and in the long run he won't be able to do medicine like he wants to.

I am hurting right now, I plan on befriending him and then when the time comes, I want to take the same knife out of my back that he stabbed me with and shove it in his back.

I feel that later I will feel guilty if I do this to him, but then again think that how he lied and used me for three years so I want him to payback and payback hard.

Is this wrong? Its just so hard everyday to go on with my life but I am praying to ALLAH that things become fine as before but if they don't, I feel like I will have no choice but to snitch on him!

- alleecom

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79 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum Alleecom

    Thank you for being so honest about how you are feeling.

    You must be feeling so angry, terribly hurt, used and confused. You're feeling confused because your ex told you he loved you and cared about you, but now he's left you - just like that. So you're left wondering about which of his words were true and which weren't. All that time you spent with your ex, all the things you did which took you against Allah's commandments - for his sake, and now you're left standing alone.

    You're having extremely mixed feelings right now. You claim to love this guy and want him back - even though he's hurt you, lied to you and dumped you 'just like that'. But you also want to make him pay. These are not healthy feelings. You are becoming obsessed with the thought of getting this guy back more than anything else. If you loved each other, you would respect each other and neither of you would think of wanting to hurt the other. If he has hurt you by dumping you, he has proven his 'love' as weak if not fake. What will you be proving by taking revenge on him with the intention of hurting him? Certainly not that you love him. You will be stooping as low as him, if not lower. Taking revenge is not advised in the Quran/Sunnah; however, forgiveness is.

    You're not quite sure what you feel for your ex anymore - is it 'love' or is it 'hate'? There is such a thin line between the two feelings. You don't want to hate him, because if you do, that will mean you've wasted years of your time, effort and emotions on him. So you want to find a reason to justify the way he's treated you. But you can't find a reason that makes you feel any better. Because the bottom line is, is that his feelings for you were not genuine. So you feel angry towards him.

    "Love the one whom you love in moderation, perhaps one day he will be one whom you hate. And hate the one whom you hate in moderation, perhaps one day he will be one whom you love"
    (Reported by at-Tirmidhi)

    I understand you feel hurt and also that you aware that through your relationship with your ex, you went against Allah(swt). And I hope that by the end of reading my reply to you, you will realise that what you are going through now, is again a 'test' from Allah. You made some very bad choices by becoming involved in a haraam relationship with this person. But you are Alhumdulillah fortunate because despite your disobedience to Allah, He(swt) has still bestowed Mercy on you and saved you from getting more deeply involved with this type of person and furthermore Allah(swt) has made you realise that you were doing haraam.

    So why waste anymore of your precious time and effort on this person? You are feeling so angry, which is a natural emotion - but don't let it over take your sense of logic and decision making. Don't let it make you do anymore haraam. This situation has already wasted enough of your time and sanity, so don't become bitter because of it.

    Allah says:

    "Those who control their anger and are forgiving towards people; Allah loves the good."
    (Qur'an, 3: 134)

    He(swt) also says:

    "Pardon them and overlook - Allah loves those who do good" (Qur'an 5:13)


    "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allâh ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

    But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high moral character). (Qur'an 41:34-35)

    When you decided to become involved in this haraam relationship with your ex, you could say that you were being tested by Allah(swt). But you chose the wrong path and thereby failed that particular test. This guy wronged you, BUT ultimately you made the choice of doing haraam - no-one forced you but your own desires.

    Allah(swt) could have punished you; but instead He(swt) chose to give you a wake up call. He(swt) is testing you again, so consider yourself fortunate. Some people do not get this chance - as their souls are taken before they are able to repent or to prove themselves better. So say Alhumdulillah - you are alive, you are a Muslim and you feel some guilt at your wrongs.

    You have two options - again. You can either focus on your negative energies of satisfying your urge by fuelling your anger with thoughts about the way your ex treated you. You can become bitter and thereby allow your ex to waste yet more of your precious time and effort - which by the way is a beautiful gift from Allah. You can take revenge and get this guy in trouble. Get him expelled from college, mess up his potential medical career. It'll give you short term satisfaction - but believe me, it'll be extremely short lived. It'll change your personality, you'll become bitter, hard hearted and cold and whats the point as you'll also feel guilty. Moreso, behaving in this revengeful way will not earn you any pleasure from Allah(swt).

    On the other hand, you can focus on your positive energies by taking responsibility for the role you played on getting yourself in this situation. If you truly realise the enourmity of the sins you have committed through this relationship, you will begin to humble yourself and turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness sincerely. Your duas will no longer consist of begging Allah to bring this person back into your life; instead you will be begging Allah(swt) for His forgiveness and to replace your pain and loss with something better and to bring you closer to Him.

    Yes you feel cheated by your ex, BUT what was the real test in all this? If this difficult episode in your life, makes you realise that transgressing Allah's Laws is the real reason for your current heartache and hence pushes you to make sincere tawbah, then this has been a blessing in disguise.

    I know its difficult and so very painful - but if you turn to Allah, eventually you will become stronger in your eemaan. You will look back to this in a few months time and think - 'that time was so painful, but Alhumdulillah Allah got me through it and now I'm a stronger Muslim'. And by that time, you won't miss your ex anymore. You'll be thankful to Allah and you will realise that infact, you do not want to marry a person like your ex, because you want to now marry someone who is truly God fearing and pious - and you want to love him for the sake of Allah. However, you will have to make a conscious effort to turn to Allah, through excercising immense sabr/patience.

    People who hurt us are not worthy of being in our lives; so you are better off without this person. Try to curb your anger and let 'this' time pass through rememberance of Allah. Mix with kind muslim sisters, speak to them so you have a shoulder to cry on and to lean on, it helps. Once this difficult time has passed, you will feel better inshaAllah.

    There is good in every bad situation aswell, no matter how bad it is. And the good here can be that you turn to Allah, make sincere tawbah and improve yourself in deen and character.

    Anas bin Malik (ra) reported: The Prophet (saw) said, "There are three qualities whoever has them, will taste the sweetness of Iman: To love Allah and His Messenger (saw) more than anyone else; to love a slave (of Allah) only for (the sake of) Allah; and to abhor returning to infidelity after Allah has saved him from it as he would abhor to be thrown into the fire (of Hell)". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].


    Muhammed(saw) said: "None of you is a believer until he loves for his brother (his fellow Muslims) what he loves for himself." (Sahih Muslim)

    So May Allah forgive us our sins, take away any bitterness and evil thoughts and put sweetness in our hearts, minds and souls. May He(swt) also purify our intentions and make us steadfast on His Deen. Aameen

  2. Salaam,

    On the subject of revenge - the only thing that is ever gained from betraying someone is paranoia and lie-telling skills. That means that when you stab someone in the back, (no matter what your reasons) your own ability to trust is affected - and at some stage you will have to lie to avoid being discovered. This will reduce you - a powerful and good human being - to the level of cockroach.

    Don't do it. Its not worth it. You wont get any good from it.


  3. salam

    I think u should do it because if he doesnt see any bad from his bad deeds he continues on cheating and he may destroy some other innocent girl's life. and revenge is not sin.

  4. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    My dear, I think the thing that you should do is absolutely and completely forget about this young man, and instead concentrate on yourself and your relationship with Allah. How can you ask Allah to help you to return to a forbidden relationship? Instead, you should ask Allah to help you to return to HIM, to Allah, to your Lord.
    You are heartbroken now because some guy broke up with you. You should be more heartbroken that you do not have a strong relationship with Allah, that you do not know your rights and responsibilities as a Muslimah, because if you did, you would have avoided this entire situation from the beginning.

    Islam is a beautiful way of life, and the best way to get over your hurt and anger is to forget about petty revenge and dedicate yourself to learning about your Deen. Islam has the answers to all the questions you ask. "What does Islam say?". Islam says respect yourself, protect yourself, save yourself for the sanctity of marriage and don't let any man sweet talk you into doing something that you will regret later.

    It is now, while you are hurting the most, that you can make the most positive change in your life. Turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness for the forbidden relationship you engaged in. Dedicate yourself to fulfilling your duty to Allah. This means that you must start praying your five daily prayers, because they are what stands between you and disbelief. This means that you must respect your body and clothe it modestly, so that no man gets a free look at your beauty. This means that you must visit beneficial websites to learn the fundamentals of your faith, from prayer and fasting to the manner of having a permissible relationship with a man. I especially invite you to visit our sister site,, to read the many beneficial articles there so that you can learn what a healthy relationship is like.

    If you forget about this man, who is of no use to you, and concentrate on yourself, in the long run you will be so much happier, because you will be living not just for this world, but the next. A woman who is not respecting herself, who is not obeying Allah, cannot do better than a bum for a boyfriend because Allah will not reward the bad with the good. But a woman who obeys Allah, who respects herself, will be able to find that good, strong, pious Muslim husband because Allah will match you with the proper spouse who is like you, fearing Allah. So recognize that the problem is NOT with your ex-boyfriend. Go look in the mirror and see who is responsible for this situation. Realize that YOU are responsible for yourself, and that you are worth more than being a secret girlfriend to some young man who does not have his life together. Promise that person in the mirror that you will do better by her. Then go and learn. You can visit beneficial sites like,, just to start. There's a lot out there so inshAllah it will be easy for you to learn your Deen.

    Fi Aman Allah,


  5. The Prophet (saw) said: Indeed Allah has not increased the one who pardons except by more prestige
    [Reported by Imam Muslim ]

    In response to Ayesha's reply:

    Sister Alleecom also did many bad deeds because she transgressed the laws of Allah.

    Would she rather Allah punish her or forgive her?

    If we want Allah's Mercy, we need to start showing mercy to others aswell.

    24:22: "...let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

    Everything we do is seen by Allah - every good and every bad, no matter how big or small and we are rewarded and punished accordingly. So Allah will teach Alleecom's ex 'boyfriend' a lesson in His Own Divine Way. At the same time, Allah will also call Sister Alleecom to account for her sins in His Own Divine way.

    Revenge is not a sin in Islam, but it is not recommended by Allah at all; Allah(swt) says in the Glorious Quran:

    42:39: And those who, when an oppressive wrong is inflicted on them, (are not cowed but) help and defend themselves.
    42:40: The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah: for (Allah) loveth not those who do wrong.
    42:41: But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.

    If Alleecom takes revenge on her ex 'boyfriend', she can do so, but it has to be equal to or less than what he inflicted upon her. So how is 'snitching him for taking weed and ruining his medical career' equal or less?

    Furthermore, I have deliberately highlighted the word 'boyfriend', because from her post, the Sister has implied strongly that they had a physical relationship - this is a major sin in Islam. So do you not think it would be better for the sister to realise that the pain of hurt/guilt/anger/betrayal she is feeling now, is maybe a result of her own wrong doings? She is responsible for committing these sins - and her disobedience against Allah is far greater than her boyfriend's betrayal. We need to always remind ourselves that:

    24:20: Were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah on you, and that Allah is full of kindness and mercy, (ye would be ruined indeed).
    24:21: O ye who believe! follow not Satan's footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong: and were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah on you, not one of you would ever have been pure: but Allah doth purify whom He pleases: and Allah is One Who hears and knows (all things).
    24:22: "...let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

    Sister Ayesha, in todays society we have so many things like mixed gatherings, temptation of haraam relationships, foul music, drugs, vulgar fashions etc. These things are the weapons that Shaytaan uses as tools to distract us from our real purpose in life, which is to worship Allah.

    The last thing Sister Alleecom needs is for her feelings of anger and guilt to be fuelled up. It will achieve nothing but a short lived satisfaction based on revenge, hardness of the heart, guilt and time wasted which could have been spent on self reflection, self purification and rememberance of Allah(swt). That will give her a more long lasting satisfaction and will be more beneficial. The sooner the sister lets go of her ex, the sooner she gets 'closure' and moves on to better things.

    If the sister feels the need to do her best to ensure that her ex does not do the same to any other girl, that is a completely different thing with a pure intention, unlike revenge. The sister could 'speak' to the ex, or I would recommend she speak through someone else - (in a halaal manner), as the less contact she has with him the better. Make him aware of how he has made her feel and the major wrongs behind it. He may realise and hopefully repent aswell.

    I believe that at such difficult times, the best thing we can do as real friends, brothers/sisters in Islam is to help each other reflect on our own wrong doings and to do become stronger through closeness to Allah. Lets try to bring comfort in to each other's hearts through Deen, not through revenge and bickering.

  6. you act as if your the victim, grow up. i cant believe you wrote praying to ALLAH that things become fine as before, dont you know dating in islam is forbidden?

    do you think by snitchin everthin is gonna be ok?
    so instead of snitchin why dont you repent and never go back your old ways.

    one more thin i want to say is, he didnt force you into anythin that you didnt want to do, YOU did it on your own accord so dont blame other people for your foolish mistake. you know exactly from right and wrong so take responsibility for your own action.

    take this as a life experience and never do this haram thing again.


    The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "One should help his brother, whether he is an oppressor or the one being oppressed. If he is an oppressor, forbid him from his oppression. If he is being oppressed, then come to his aid" (Muslim).

  8. As Salaam-u-Aleiukum, aay dil-jaliwi Ashiq: Realistically, you are just as culpable for your ex-boyfriend’s pot smoking (and other known vices) as he is! In fact you may be held even more responsible because your silence/tolerance over the years served to encourage him on – reliant on trust!

    The above analysis, opinion and advice from SisterZ, Yasmeen, Ahmad, and Sister Noorah are certainly worth considering; so also Ayesha’s remedy that only goes to support certain chauvinistic fallacies such as, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”! (Lord, have mercy!!) Regardless, you must accept the fact that your association with our pot-smoking “villain” was a shallow, conditional relationship – like drinking coffee from a paper (disposable) cup. Once the coffee is gone, are you going to hang on to the cup or squash it under the foot and kick it to the curb? Our “villain” seems to have done just that …

    This guy might be worth salvaging and/or recycling, but why don’t you leave that chore to someone else who lacks character and is desirous of a codependency-type relationship built on egg shells, extortion, blackmail, and vain promises – a short term ‘disposable’ relationship. After all, aren’t those who lack moral fiber also entitled to association? See Sura Al-Noor: “24:3 The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers.”

    One often wonders why people leaving festering relationships gravitate toward new relationships of similar color. Because it’s their comfort zone? Why should it take an emotional “tragedy” to check up on the justification for betrayal and revenge when this “tragedy” is the direct consequence of an illicit association which resulted in your blemished pride? Would you have felt any better if YOU “dumped” him, rather than the other way around? More importantly, a school is a place of learning; not a meat market! Get your priorities right! Has our Umma, particularly our women descended to such a decadent, low level where it is difficult to differentiate between Muslims and those following a “liberal”, “progressive”, “avant garde”, “cool”, “groovy …” lifestyle?

    If you lost your self-worth, isn’t it time you reclaimed it? Or is there dignity in wearing a label that says, “SLUT”: a source of family and community dishonor? Fortunately, you have a family you could seek support from; so also an EXTENDED family, our Umma, which you are now approaching for advice. I believe the options are clear to you. I am certain you have the capacity of self-control and tenaciousness; women usually do!!

    By all means take revenge: THE BEST REVENGE is to lead a healthy, moral, transparent, and exemplary lifestyle devoid of deceit and secrecy that would be catalytic to happiness and success here and in Akhira. Inshallah! Just try it: Trust me - You’ll like it! 🙂

  9. why u mad at him u shud b mad at urself infact u shud hate urself coz u comitted zina wit this guy.there is no time for snitching but there is time to ask ALLAH to 4giv u.wat u think wen u commit zina u shud get the golden medal? No girl those who do wrong wil not b left think of it in this way u comitted zina now ALLAH teaching u a lesson.

  10. salaam people.....i think it is easy for everybody to be coming out with remarks such as...well u was doing wrong and just see it as experience and where will it get you etc...but none of you loved that individual like this girl did.....yes totally right she was commiting a sin in having such a relationship....but i dont think many people are that level headed to think well i will leave it and well what goes around comes around...especialyy after 3 years of being right with the other person...after all for all the good and moral high standing in all of you people ..we are human and this kind of thing does hurt..very dont everybody be telling her to pretend it never the end of the day i can understand because the other person is behaving arrogantly by leaving at willl thinkig that it doesnt matter...and surely you would like to humble such a person or see him humbled by allah...i know i would...especially since it looked perfect until he decided to get bored of the whole idea and move on........maybe its not about getting him someone said there is a fine line between love and hate and i think unless you are asking for it with your own deceitful ways and insincerities.....then you are left wondering when given no closure.....what i will say is dear sister...theres is no salvation for your heart but to turn to allah at them moments when your heart feels at pain....i sometimes think...allah sees your potential to love and i think such deep love is really on his right so turn to him and love him....for everything lies in his dominion...i wont sit here and throw a book at you...i have been there and i found peace in allah not in other humans...they are not to be trusted to that tilt.....allah says in the quran.....that even in your children there lies a dont be surprised when humans let you down....only allah is just and never turns from us...we turn from him and deceive him....salaam

    • I am glad there are people like you who understand that it is not a sin to desire someone but it is a sin to willfully cheat, betray and destroy someone's trust in humanity.

  11. See i am not much deep in to islam, where as i have lot of faith in allah.. if he asks for my life...i will give it to him happily without even thinking for a second as it belongs to him only... i always use to judge myself in front of allah every time when ever i do things, what you do is close your eyes and think deeply about that guy whether he is really good from his heart or not ? he was really loving you from heart or just for lust he was with you? If he had been only for lust with you, then what you do is forget him and marry as soon as possible to a guy who looks good to you as husband and after a month of marriage obivously you will forget your ex..if you feel he is truely loving you and still due to some fear he is not accepting to marry you..that means his love is not strong enough to you and if a thing is not strong enough then it is better to leave it because its of no use...see at last what i suggest is you marry some one as soon as possible without even wasting a second..if he truely love you he will interept the marraige at any circumstance and will accept you otherwise its purely proved that due to lust he has been with you....and also say the truth of your ex to the one whom you are going to marry(dont worry about anything, because truth will always have permanent win and pleasure).

  12. salam dear brothers and sister's
    the problem mentioned above by the sister is similar to mine,although i am a guy. i was in relationship with this girl for 3 years,we loved each other alot and did many things which were forbidden in islam,finally one fine day she told me that she has lost lost all her feelings for me and cannot continue this relationship anymore and would be dating some one else in the coming day's. i was shattered after listening to this,i didn't know what to do.i tried to convince her but she wouldn't agree, i had promised to marry her in 1 and half year (which i would have done),no matter what i told her she wouldn't accept me back.... this went on for many days, finally i decided to turn towards allah, i prayed forgiveness for all the sins i had committed with her and i was surprised for the kind of peace of mind i got after returning to i have realized that there would have been no peace and tranquility in my life had i continued with this relationship which was haram from the beginning.. although i am still in the process of healing i thank allah for guiding me towards the right path....

    • salams ,
      thanks brother for that last letter it has helped me so much
      i have been completely taken apart by a woman i fell in love with
      for 3 years she gave me nothing but heatache i respected her and we never
      had a physical relationship i wanted to marry her she was my life my dream then one day she tx
      me she is getting married her nikah will be in 2 weeks, im still devastated i cant get over it my confidence, personalty is not there anymore im scared for life. how can one be so close to you for 3 years then vanish
      i never new humanity could be so cruel.

  13. Dont lower urself. If u actually love someone u will never ever wanna see them hurt or cry. Let him get on with it. Rise above it. Allah judges ppl. I no trust me im in a very similar situation.

  14. Assalam.

    You simply compiled my situation in your words. the difference is only the time frame (mine is 4 and half years) and other difference is that she visited her homeland where she got engaged and called me from there that i don't know you from now on. i wont go into details but from the point when she started cheating on me as i was not able to give her time as i used to due to my specialization commitments. although working 14-15 hours, i remember i never used to sleep until her work is over. i was always a cool and calm person, always encouraging and helping. i remember my eyes started to hurt me due to extreme tiredness and sitting in front of computer making her thesis but i never complained her. i helped her in all possible way one can imagine. after coming home from my job my routine was talking over telephone and over internet where mostly we talked starting when she woke up, till everything and then discussing about her studies. to cut it short, later i became a little busy due to my specialization. she started shouting and swearing at me and complaining whenever i call you, you are with the patients, or in OT or in ICU. what could i do if she called me knowing i'm in hospital and with patients where sometimes i could pick up, sometimes not. being her in the similar profession and hoping she would understand, i tried every possible way to explain that i will be left behind, just give me some room and after my work i'm all yours...never....she never realized this and then after some fights, she slowly started chatting with one of her family friend who USED TO BE HER BROTHER as he was younger than her age. i was not a fool but did believe in i was a fool. i remember her happiness going to her homeland and was happy for her not knowing the reason behind it. any ways when she came back after getting engaged with HER BROTHER 🙂 she cried and told me she still loves me but she also loves his hands when he holds her....i couldn't believe what connection she was trying to make, and where the heck she's getting this energy and courage to tell me all this stuff...huh!!! other explanation was its all because of the parents. i wondered he asked her hand without being pushed by her?? i was right. anyways i was in shock, even didnt know how to conduct, had no words after listening to her. and when i came into existence i asked..."why?" her reply..."you didn't give my time" another shock! not justifyiable in any sense...of course then i felt like torn into pieces. there was no connection with any of her claims....we still used to talk on phone and i always asked tell me my place and she had no answer. and then i asked her to leave me completely (i know how painful that was) but as i am a doctor and she was still in her medical years, she said she is afraid of getting failed because i alwaysss helped her from day one till last and she cannot think of me going away otherwise she will lose her carrier. her wordings were "lets become friends" selfish....i wasn't believing how i was used, and then thrown like unwanted short i lost almost 5 years with her, also fighting with my parents however they didnt have any problem but they wanted me to at least get into nekah with her as it was lingering on. but we both agreed to do it after her finals. then when i was about to take one of my carrier turning point exam...she left me standing alone...ahh i remember that day, her call, her excuses, by Allah how i drove my car and came back home its only me who knows...i remember how I studied hard for that exam which was due on upcoming next month, which I failed by just 4 marks!!!! rest remains the same, those haunted nights, cursed days, nightmares, reputation lost and so on. i was one of the brilliant student and all my consultants fought having me in their group as i could alone manage a 30-bed ICU!!!

    No, guys...I don't want to think about her but....however still i wake up hearing her voice... i accept i also did mistakes. im not into revenge or anything but when i lose control, i do not wish any good for her. i will never forget her, will never forgive her, i saw her pics smiling with him which was justified as pretending (she told me while we were still in contact). Still she has her pic pasted on facebook smiling and sitting with him as nothing happened. I know i shouldn't go there but believe me it happens in some trance. Now its more than 8 months, but everyday i feel it happened just yesterday. i am struggling for a come back. saying easy and i trust in Allah and His Rasul (SAW) a lot but being His creature i do find myself as a question mark before my Lord (forgive me O my Allah) and i say how many lives (literary) i alone saved due to perfect understanding and in time delivering of life saving procedures and saving one life is saving humanity i heard. what about me??? well, now my parents are in search of a girl but i really feel empty, no emotions, no feelings, like something missing. i cant listen to any song, cant watch tv, cant see a couple sitting with each other and the list goes on. i just wish to have my career back and wish to just live in peace with anyone Allah has chosen for me or even if i stay alone i dont care.....and that if i were wrong with anyone or even with her may Allah forgive me but i will remain a question mark....after all He is my Creator too!!! thats all.

    • I am not gna write on here to judge u as im in a sort of similar situation. In short wat i have found as my four n a half relationship is ending is that u need to find YOU again. U end up investing do much in this other person u lose sight of wat is good for u. I have no words which will make u better nor do i have a magic solution. It takes time. U need to stop lookin at her pictures. Stop torturin urself. Go to the gym, pray study acheive wat u have to. Be urself. Spend time with friends. If u have children in ur family it really helps soending tym with them. Wen u pray to god pray fir forgiveness for the sins in ur relationship. Ask him for somethin better. Find ur self worth again. Dont let her ruin ur life. U need to be happy. She obviously was not the right one for u. In time ul kik urself. For now go day by day.

      • Wen i spend tym with my nephews and nieces it reminds me of how it is to have a clean soul untarnished with no worries in ur life. Pure innocence. It really makes me smile.

      • i dont know when it will end but still thank you for suggestions. i even changed the country and working in another country now just to forget her. i'm trying hard to get a hold on myself but still go astray. i wake up but not able to get out of the bad, just lie in the bed like a corpse with pounding heart. i have started praying, repenting however we never had anything grave, but the ikhlas you need i dont have. how much time it needs to get healed?? its more than 8 months now! i want to start a new life, but its very difficult to find a starting point..on the other hand she is there, happy, moved on. i agree with you that when we invest whatever we have, we even close the only back door from where we could have run. i'm really short of words for your situation and will pray for you more than for myself as i know how painful it is....

        • I am splitting with him as his parents dont agree. Me and him have no problems. I think if i had been thru ur situation id be very mad and bitter. However this wud giv me sumthing to move on with. She clearly was not worth it. I often say if my bf cheated on me it wud be easier for me. Bcz i no my anger wud be so great u see it wud propel me to move on. Shes robbed u of some of ur life. Dont let her succeed by giving her more of ur tym!! In thoughts or anythin. Shes made her choices. U make urs. Tell urself ur better without her.

  15. For Emid, Aliya25 & all those in a similar situation, I pray the following hadeeth qudsi helps you move forward:

    Bukhari narrated that the Prophet(saw) related that Allah said:

    'When I have taken away from someone a most beloved one, and then he (patiently) expects a reward (from Me), I will compensate him with Paradise.'

    So ponder over the real meaning of Patience...

    SisterZ, Editor

  16. salam sistero
    please dont take revenge as a personal experience i took revenge and i'm suffering even more. i recommend you to be patience. Patiences is gold and allah will listen to your dua's. Dua to allah ask for his forgivness and become closer to him. I know your angered and its hard to control and you want to see him suffer but honestly dont take revenge it will only make thiings worst and you will regret it. It will not make you feel good, it will make you feel that you have hurt yourself. Just wait and be patience pray 5 times a day, fast, read the quran, give zakat if you are able to and do righteous deeds. leave it all to the hands of allah and he will bring happiness if you hold patiences and he truly loves the patient.

    blessing of allah be upon you's

  17. Does the quran say it is ok for a muslim to betray, cheat and take advantage of a non-muslim?

    • Brokensmile,

      No, of course not. Interesting question, but what made you ask that?

      If a Muslim betrays, cheats or takes advantage of a Muslim or a non-Muslim, this is very bad on his part, this is not from the teachings of Islam. Muslims and non-Muslims are all human alike, we are all capable of doing good and bad things and if we do something bad this should not be blamed on religion.

      SisterZ Senior Editor

      • I am a non -muslim with several muslim friends. I have always had a lot of respect and regard for them as they are good people.However I ended up falling in love with one of them and we were together almost for five years.During this time I kept asking him if he thought this would work and told him that I would stand by him if he felt the same way. He told me that he would and since I trusted him unconditionally I took his word for it. After all this, he came to me a few months ago and said his parents had arranged his wedding and his pleas werent being accepted so he had to accept. As devastated as I am, I cannot help but wonder why someone would keep loving someone for so long and then turn away. One of my other muslim friends pointed out that some muslim men think it is ok as long as the girl is not from Islam. Hence my question - I stood by this person when he lost his job, got kicked out of the country and was homeless; I would have been able to forgive him if he had been honest with me. Now all I feel is disgust for him and for muslims in general as I have never seen anyone so callous. Also I have heard of other muslim men living abroad doing this to non-muslim women who are sincerely in love with them - do these men not fear the wrath of Allah and of the mazloom ke baddua?

        • BrokenSmile,

          I am sorry for the way this man treated you. But it really is not right, just or fair for you to assume that your ex boyfriend represents Islam. I would hope that you would be intelligent enough to know that one person's bad actions are not reflective of a religion that is worshipped by millions of people around the world.

          Is this man the only man who has ever hurt someone? I am sure he is not. Men and women from every single religion and every single corner of this earth have at some point hurt someone. Its an old example, but was Hitler a good reflection of the Christian faith? No, he was not.

          Brokensmile, you have been hurt by a man, because of the choices he made. Not because of what Islam teaches.

 Senior Editor

        • I doubt hes ok to just turn away from you. Hes been cornered and emotionally blackmailed into leaving u mOst likely. these bOys cant go against their parents but kid themselves that theyl be able to sort it.i dont no him, dunno wat kind of a person he is but did he even fight his family to get u? Bcz if he did n it ddn wrk then i doubt he meant to hurt u. However if hes the kind who knew he was gna mess about til the day his parents chose sumone then that is wrong

          • Aliya-
            I dont know what the final conversation was between him and his family and never will. However irrespective of what religion the parties belong to, I think each of us have a moral compass and we cannot lead someone up the garden path if we know it is not possible. We are free to make our choices with respect to our lives but do not retain the right to entangle someone else if we do not have the courage to stand by them. This was something we discussed several times during the last five years and he agreed with me - he therefore had no right to submit to something that has brought all round grief and destroyed the life of someone else. I was in the same position as him, but have stood my ground because I had committed to this man and knew that when my time came I would face God and he would give me what was my due.

            We all have been given a mind by God to differentiate between right and wrong and respect humanity and life in its myriad forms. Anyone who blames someone else for their mistakes is erring against the will of God and humanity irrespective of what name we call him by.

          • I agree as im in the same situatuon as u. Im sorry but wat iv learnt is that these boys arent strong, all i do now is feel sorry for them. They kid themselves that they hv control of their life. But they dont. Im sorry for what uv gone thru as i understand it fully. There are two types of boys iv seen in my community. Those who mess about with non muslims FULLY knowin they wil mummys choice. N those who genuinely think they wil marry this girl muslim or non muslim but then there parents threaten all sorts and the boys are faced with a hard choice. If ur boyfriend was the former i have zero tolerance n respect for these types. If hes of the latter i believe i feel sorry for them.

          • I meant marry mummys choice

    • no but the quraan says LA TAQRABU ZINA dont come close to zina

  18. Also I heard of a fatwa issued by Saudi Clerics which says it is ok for muslim men to cheat non-muslim women. Google it and you should be able to find it.

    • BrokenSmile,

      Islam does not permit anyone, Muslim or non-Muslim to cheat anyone.

      I do not believe that any Qualified Muslim Cleric would say that it is ok for a Muslim man to cheat non-Muslim women. Not everything that is posted on the internet is true or reliable and I would really suggest that you learn about Islam from authentic sources like the Quran and the hadith of the Prophet(peace be upon him) before you go about believing such baseless and false comments.

      SisterZ Senior Editor

  19. I am not condemning Islam or anyother religion but in most foreign countries, some muslim men end up in longterm relationships with non-muslim women and unfortunately there are a larger percentage of them that chose to end them badly versus realizing that love is based on trust, respect and honesty.
    This seems to happen lesser among people of other faiths who either end it amicably or commit- again this is based on what I have seen here in the Western world. While I agree that dating is more common and it is easier to meet and know people of the opposite sex in the west, it still does not mean that their attitude is acceptable.

    To your point Hitler was not a practicing Christian...there is a big difference between some one who actively participates in their religion and follows their beliefs vs someone who is part of the faith by birth/family ties and is passive to the practices.
    I am referring to those men who claim to be religious and pray five times a day, fasts etc but selectively chose to do many other things that their faith prohibits -are they not afraid of Allah or does the concept of repenting account for their misdeeds? I know for a fact that I would never do something like this to anyone irrespective of what my faith is as I believe that causing grief to another person is a crime against humanity no matter what religion they belong to.
    The reference to the fatwa was a question as I dont know whether this is a direct stmt based on the Quran or misinterpreted hence i posted it here to get the answer from practicing muslims- no offence please!

    • BrokenSmile,

      Those people who do bad things, do them of their own accord. We do not have stats to show that mistreatment of women is more common amongst Muslim men and you are basing this on your experiences and what your friends have told you. This does not represent society fairly.

      Anyhow, I did not take any offence. I am glad that you expressed your grievances here, so we can try clarify any misconceptions you have. I don't know if I have managed to that, so if you want to ask anything else fire away.

      SisterZ Senior Editor

    • Hi brokensmite.

      I am sorry to hear what that guy did to you. Unfortunately you are right in that there are many muslims who practice Islam wholeheartedly (like pray 5x) but still treat people badly. We are all children of Adam and brothers and sisters. So my sister, you answered your own question yourself.
      " I am referring to those men who claim to be religious and pray five times a day, fasts etc but selectively chose to do many other things that their faith prohibits -are they not afraid of Allah or does the concept of repenting account for their misdeeds?"

      Their behaviour is completely prohibited in Islam. Cheating, lying, dating, hurting. They cherry pick the parts they want and avoid those that they dont want. In answer to your question dear sis yes they will be held account for their misdeeds to others. And they can repent and seek Allahs forgiveness.
      However when a person violates someone elses right or hurts them, or backbite or cheat or ANYTHING bad: even if God/ Allah forgives them, the person would be required to seek the forgiveness of the one that they have wronged. The wronged will receive recompensed.

      Also in relation to this, the Prophet (SAW) said their is nothing 'heavier upon the balance than a good character.This is in terms of good deeds. So if you pray, fast but have a bad character - you are throwing away your good deeds. God is Just.

      I understand your frustration, I also felt ashamed when I went to Morrocco and the locals were cheating tourists out of money but know that this is NOT a reflection on the religion, it is culture and bad habits. I recommend you read about the Prophet Muhammad SAW. He had the best of manners to ALL people regardless or religion, social status or wealth. He was kind, soft hearted. He would never cheat or lie. Please dont attribute these men's behaviour to Islam. I have also noticed many non muslim guys pulling similar tricks as well, so its not all muslim guys. It may be you have experienced the worst in these guys

      Sara Editor

  20. "However when a person violates someone elses right or hurts them, or backbite or cheat or ANYTHING bad: even if God/ Allah forgives them, the person would be required to seek the forgiveness of the one that they have wronged. The wronged will receive recompensed."

    So Does this mean islam preaches redemption based on the forgiveness of the wronged person?

    • To some degree, yes. Those you have harmed will be compensated from your good deeds on the Day of Judgment. If this makes your scale light and dooms you to Hell, Allah may choose to forgive you or not, according to His wisdom.

      The wise thing to do is to seek forgiveness in this life from those you have wronged.

      Wael Editor

      • The person has refused to forgive me and says that I will burn in hell for doing what I did - so essentially does this mean no repentance from my heart is good enough?

        • There's nothing you can do about someone who refuses to forgive you. Instead, focus on doing more good in this life. Pray, fast, be charitable and kind, so that your good deeds will overwhelm the bad act that you committed against that person.

          And maybe try asking forgiveness from that person again after some years, when emotions have settled.


        • Assalaamu alaikum sister saba.

          I completely agree with brother Wael - increasing your good deeds to help rebalance is very important.
          I have heard this question asked before. "What if they the person doesnt forgive me." Also it may not always be feasible to contact the person you wronged. If that person is non mahram to you etc.

          In this instance the ustadha advised making dua for Allah to have mercy on those you have wronged. I have also heard that you will owe less if you do this but dont know the validity of the statement. The sister that discussed this is very knowledgeable MashaAllah.

          Also always remember this in your dealings with others. Always keep the best of manners and InshaAllah if we all do this, we won't be giving huge amounts of our good deeds when we need them most.


  21. Appreciate your empathy Aliya. But these men know what they are doing when they do it and consciously choose to play with the girl's life . There is no sympathy for someone who has willfully caused anguish to another irrespective of what the cause may be. How come they dont think of their parents/religion when they decide to date someone of a different background and continue to seek the support of the girlfriend knowing that the outcome will bring pain and sorrow. Nobody has the privilege of taking someone else's life in their hands and choosing to play at will- this is God's prerogative as he gives us life. I know I will never forgive him and hope that the pain i feel now is the pain he will face for his ways.

    I hope you are strong and will pray for you as I pray for myself

    • Thanks. No one has the right to do that ur ryt. But like i said if he thowt things would be ok he would have lulled himself into a false sense of security. I choose to think we r better off, we can carry on with someone who will love us later in life, they have to stik to a girl who they ddnt choose. Not their first choice. I no ul be hurting. U said they no wat they r doing wen they carry on these relationships. Yes they do. But i can put my hand on my heart n say that my ex never expected the ultimatums he got from his family. He honestly ddnt expect it and is fighting stil and hurtin still.Refusin to marry another. But like i say i no others who do this for fun KNOWIN they wont be with their girlfriend or wont fight for her

      • What ultimatum are you referring to- like a parent threatening to disown or kill themselves etc?
        From what I have read on this site- Islam forbades forced marriages whether for a son or daughter, or did I misunderstand? So these parents are not following the tenets of Islam and think they can force their children to toe the line in the name of parental authority?

        • No these arent a part of islam but cultural aspects come into it. Islamically its not a problem for him to marry me im a muslim but he is a diffrent race. Parents who do this arent right but to be honest this is wat they do threaten to disown, get ill general emotional blackmail.

          • I can understand that parents use the cultural aspect to further their arguments; but the men in question have all read the quran ( i know my ex did- he prayed five times a day, fasted and generally followed the islamic practices) and know that it explicitly states that forced marriages are not recognized and yet they bow down?? So in reality they are neither following their religion nor their parents in entirety- they are cherry-picking and applying whatever seems favorable in each situation and blaming it on religion/family/culture etc.

            And in your case, you are a practicing muslim and the Koran says that all muslims are equal and there is no caste or creed in Islam - why didn't your ex quote the Quran? Isn't the word of Allah and the Prophet above all?
            I guess these people don't truly believe in Islam if they chose to selectively follow and ignore per their will.

          • Yup this is the way. However me n him shouldnt hv had a haraam relationship. My fault as well as his. N this is wat causes this heartbreak. U need ur parents involvd sooner. That way its clear if theyl accept or not

  22. Yes but you accepted that what you did was not according to Islam and marriage would rectify that- dont forget that you tried and were willing to make it all right. If he so believed in his religion above other things then he should have stuck to Islam and not chosen to string someone along.
    Like me, you gave four and a half years of your life to this man and each day he spent with you- he was reaffirming that this relationship was important to him. Going back on that is deceit plain and simple -it suited him and what he wanted so it was alright; now it doesnt so he has turned away. What bothers me the most is that these people recognize marriage that is validated by a piece of signed paper but dont recognize the validity of their actions and their promises to the other person?
    So essentially your relationship means nothing because it does not have a paper affirmation - the hollowness of their souls is appalling.
    As far as the parents are concerned, the mother is a woman and there are sisters, daughters in their family too- the fact that they think it is ok for their son to walk away from a committment to the woman in the name of their own warped version of religion is a sin itself. To think it is ok to bring sorrow to a fellow woman and tell your child it is ok to wreck another life is unpardonable, No God will accept this.

    • Do u follow a religion broken smile

      • I believe in God and his infinite powers and in the analogy of good vs evil- I think organized religions have been corrupted by too many selfish men who attempt to force their ideas upon humanity.

        • Look there are so many aspects of a religion and being a good person. I wouldnt look down on the religion but rather keep away from the ppl who corrupt the religion.
          I am not undermining your hurt i myself have been thru it. You sound very bitter about it, n that i understand too. If u ask yourself honestly do u think he knew hed have to leave u one day and made to choose? Do u think he knew this wud happen and was mentally prepared for it?

        • what you fail to understand in islam is.... that parents are not allwed to force their kids to marry someone they dont want to and that if they choose a partner the parents shud agree and if the parents dont agree the right of guardian moves t the next person meaning the ulama then if the parents refuse to marry them then it is valid for the ulaamah to marry them

          • So the expectation is that if the parents who raise this man/woman cannot understand their feelings and their needs then the ulema who is pretty much an outsider will have the right to make this decision - how can someone who probably doesnt even know the individual much less their personal desires ever make a right call in such a situation??

  23. I asked him that repeatedly during our time together and he kept saying that he wanted us to be married - I asked again a few months before his marriage was "arranged" too and he said the same thing. I think like someone mentioned in another thread here that these men need to grow up and act like men-- they cannot blame their parents or families to hide their weaknesses. The parents may be wrong but the fact that these men chose to find their own women and stick to them for x amount of years means that they need to live up to their commitment or not even go down that path- not play poker with someone else's life.
    And yes I am angry- cos there seem to be several such cases where the devastated women have posted on this site and in each case the advice is well what you did is haram so repent?? What about the parents forcing marriage on their sons or the fact that the sons have cheated a woman- that is not haram and they dont need repentance- how come that is not included that in their reply?? It looks like people are applying the teachings of the Quran selectively and this is what I find both sad and disrespectful.

    • o so its okay to commit zina if someone has promised you marriage what point are you trying to prove exactly?

  24. i totally dis agree with most of what has been said here.... most are going on about their broken hearts forgetting they actually committed zina and how many lashesh for zina? we ppl should be lucky we are not in the times of the sahabah otherwise ..... most is making it seem like its halaal to be in a relationship without marriage when Allah has said LA TAQRABU ZINA dont come close to zina and we talk of he left me he cheated me .... why dont you say i committed zina how do i deal with this? keep talking about the fact that we repented and how good we are and then come telling how awful the person treated you and how they left you and what if they repented? atleast they married now in halaal rather then in haraam with you and who knows they cud also have repented.... and some say they wish they can take revenge .... revenge for haraam relationship? if it was rape o yes revenge wud be sweet or if it was out of foolishness..... but when you know its wrong and i mean obviosly now u know its wrong but your thinking of revenge? and say a muslims not suppose to use and cheat a person what abt a muslim is not suppose to commit zina?

    • So they are ok if they repented and other people cannot wish for retribution. Very funny -doesnt the quran say an eye for an eye?

      • o and you will b ok if u repented? hello? thats y those who sin go thru wat they go thru coz they have sinned in islam it is haraaaaaaaaaaaam to have a relationship without marriage! thata wat im tryibg to point out in the first place thus if you follow islam you will have a sweet life inshlh lets say you got to know this muslim guy and he u asked him about islam and marriage and you ask is it ryt to b in a relationship without marriage and he says no then u shud of said in the first place sorry then i cant be with you! this itself! sows a wonderful women which any guy wud want! but nw u dont follow islam u say ok then go sleep with the guy? nw all trials begin then u blame life and many things when in the first place all this did not have to happen if u followed islam

      • like i said in my other comments on other issues nothing wrong with revenge but revenge is not called revenge if its not revenge okay many ppl understand revenge in the wrong way.... like i said if u wer raped yes or if u did it out of foolishness yes its called you wana take revenge.... but now the guy says i want u and u say u agreeeeeeeeeeeee and say i want you too later he leaves you whats wrong with that? i mean he dont like u anymore can u blame the guy if he lost interst in u? no not at all thats why its called boyfriend BOYFRIEND means no guarantee okay.... aswell as girlfriend.

        • Firstly I am not muslim the guy is so your haram and zina etc are things that he should have followed.Secondly you are quick to judge but please expand the scope of your judgement if that is what you intended to include the forced marriage and cheating which are also "haraam" in Islam. That was my point- it is not enough to condemn the women saying what they did was haraam-please dont forget that the boy and his parents have also done haraam things.
          BTW most of the women who have written here are not muslim so they are not necessarily aware of your haraam and halaal concepts - the men however are all muslims and know that they are going against the dictats of their faith when they fell in love and when they cheated/ ended up marrying someone whom they didnt like .The same applies to the parents too who know that it is forbidden to force their way on their children.

          The fault of the women is their faith in these men and for that they will deal with their god when their time comes- you or anyone else do not have the right to assign labels.

          • Broken smile- i agree with most of your sentiments. You are not muslim, i am therefore i should have known better. Before pointin blame at anyone else i need to accept the fact i allowed myself to get hurt by carryin on a haraam relationship. In ur case, u dont have the same haraam and halaal points, therefore this shud hv been considered by him n he shudnt have embarked on this with u. HOWEVER we are all human, we all do things we shudnt so i cant blame him totally and if he wanted he cud make it halaal for both of you. I do not no ur ex, so i have no idea whether he believed his parents wd listen and was shocked when they ddnt. As iv said b4 i hv no respect for ppl who carry things on and cant man up to their situation and they no deep down their parents wont accept but they still persist. Moving onto parents, it is wrong they deny their child the ryt to marry at a reasonable age and marry. Everyone wil be accountable for the hurt they give another person.
            As for my ex, he has now been fighting for a year and half, refusing the parents choice of girl. He hasnt gave up but for my sanity i have to move away a bit. While the future is unknown. I can put my hand on my heart n say he really believed his parents would accept us n wen they ddn n insted issued ultimatums, he ddn no wat to do. We both dont believe its ryt to do it without his parents consent. N honestly i really respect how he is still tryin to persuade them about us. If he leaves me il no he did all he could and i really wil be shatterd howeva i no how hard it was for him. In these situations pls dont generalise. Ppl have different motives and some ppl care more than others sometyms the odds are just stacked against you.

          • Brokensmile,
            I can understand your pain and from your words I can see how your heart is bleeding. What this person did to you was utterly selfish and he should be ashamed of himself. Sister, most of the females on this forum have encountered something similar along the lines of heart break. You are not Muslim so it is hard to tell you that you shouldn't have done this, this or this as you are not really aware of our religion. However, the person who wasted your times and feelings is a Muslim and knows better. Shame on him for hurting you like this and shame on him for being a Muslim and behaving in a completely un-islamic manner. Sister, no person goes un-punished. If I have stolen something from you and hurt you, then sooner or later I WILL get it back. It doesnt always happen right away. But more than focusing on what he did to you to hurt you, how about you LEARN from this experience and stay wise for next time. You are not alone when it comes to betryal. Irrespective of religion, people cheat, people lie and people leave when it comes time to commit. And this does not apply only to guys. Many girls play games to. We need to try to look at the bigger picture here. You know he was just there fore fun and games and when you asked for commitment, he dropped you like a hat. You can look at this from 2 perspectives:
            1.) Oh he ruined my life, he wasted my time, he played with my feelings
            2.) Thank God I see the true him. He was never real and was just using me. Now that he's gone, someone better and someone who deserves ME and my LOVE will now have me. I must be aware of future guys now. I have learned my lesson.

            It's hard to do but trust me I always say to myself, I wonder how much they are crying, loving, hating, etc us? Do they even care? Do they even miss us? Heck, they never even loved us! Then why am I wasting my TIME and ENERGY on someone so low. That's why I dont want to waste another second thinking about or missing him because he doesnt DESERVE it. We have to guard our hearts, if we open it up, anyone will come and use it and then throw it away. You are a gem, something precious so protect yourself because at the end of the day no one is here to protect you. Everyone thinks of their benefit first. Therefore, it is our duty to protect our sevles and our honour.
            Stay strong sister and do not worry about revenge or punishment. All mighty God sees all and he will give everyone their justice when the time comes. Stay hopeful and in th meanwhile start loving and taking care of yourself.
            As I always say, you want to get revenge? Move on and be happy: these guys don't even deserve a second thought now. They lost us, they're the losers, we're not :)!

          • hey... chill sister we are not in a battle here ..... nobody is judging as u know we are muslims and if we find a problem we shuld correct it and since we are not with this ppl who have problems well we have but point is like the hadith
            On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: (may the peace and the blessing be upon him )

            "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith." so im not judging okay gosh some ppl just like the word dont judge me and think when you comment your judging them how can we judge you if we dont even know you? we simply judging the actions.... telling weather its halaal or not and that those who do bad do bad and are wrong thise who do good are good thats just a fact weather you like it or not bad go hell good go heaven .....READ WHAT ALLAH HAS SAID HERE SO WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE WHAT ALLAH HAS SAID U CLAIM THAT IF SOMEONE DOES BAD THEN HE REPENTS DOES THAT MEAN HIS OK NOW AFTER ALL THE BAD HE HAS DONE WELL YES MY DEAR HE IS OK AND ALL WILL GO WELL FOR HIM INSHLH "Who invoke no other deity along with Allah, nor take any life which Allah has forbidden save justly; who do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse and whoso does that shall meet its penalty;
            His torment shall be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide in it in ignominy
            Unless he repents and reaffirm his believes and does righteous works.(1) For such, Allah will change their evil deeds to good deeds.(2) Allah is Ever Forgiving, Most Compassionate." THERE IS A MAN WHO KILLED 99 PPL ALLAH FORGAVE HIM but as for those who dont repent obviously they will get whats coming to them. I KNOW YOU ARE NOT MUSLIM BUT WE ARE and u shud know there are 73 DIFFERENT TYPES GROUPS TO SAY OF MUSLIMS AND ONLY ONE GROUP IS CORRECT HE WHO FOLLOWS THE SUNNAH QURAAN AND HADITH and there are those who follow but are lazy so they sin alot but bthat does not make ISLAM bad that makes the person bad so pls stop coming to argue abt those lazy muslims here and say doesnt islam say this and that y dont they follow ... HOW MUST WE KNOW ARE WE THEM DO WE LIVE THEIR LIVES?

          • MY DEAR WE AR E MUSLIMS AND YES TO US THE ISLAM IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN OUR FAMILY PARENTS KIDS HUSBAND! SO MARRIAGE POINT.... we get married to protect our deen because we dont wana commit zina and if our parents refuse we who want to get married to that person will get married and let the ulama do it as long as we are protecting our deen and we will do whatever it takes to protect our deen WHEN WE DIE OUR PARENTS WHO BROUGHT US UP ALL THOSE YEARS WILL NOT BE WITH US ONLY OUR DEEN SO WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT?

  25. There is no intent to generalize however all the stories here seem to have the same outcome which is why most of us have even posted on here- trying to find the answers we never got. Despite whether the guy did it intentionally or otherwise, the outcome is the same and the women are left to deal with the pain and find closure. Bottomline- these men know that there is a strong possibility of that they will not be able to face the music- if they really care for the women they would have realized that giving them hope was wrong and that they cannot play with someone else emotions.
    In your case since you mentioned that he is still fighting- I hope he musters the courage for what he wants.

    Hanniya - I am not a muslim so your saying "we all are muslims" does not apply to me and to other non-muslim individuals here. The reason i posted here was the fact that the man I was with is a muslim.

    • WHEN I SAY WE I MEAN GENERALLY..... i know ur not muslim

    • To BrokenSmile, I am curious. Did you ever meet your ex's parents/family?

      • I never met his parents as they were in Pakistan and didnt make it to the west. I did however meet his brother and spoke to his sister several times over the years - so his siblings know about me. They liked me and were comfortable talking and reaching out to me. He told his parents were against us and he promised that we would get married despite the struggle -what happened in those last few days I will never know. I always told him that as much as I loved him , he needed to reach out and talk to his parents like I did with my family. I know that if I wasnt sure that I would stick with him and get my family to agree- I would have never held him to the relationship . He changed his mind because of their pressure and after 5 years I am picking up the broken pieces of my life - I chose to trust and he chose to break that trust.
        I cannot change what has happened and may never learn to love or marry in this lifetime- thats why I ask all the muslim men who are sitting on the fence to realize that they are playing with the lives of these women- it is the worst sin possible and destroying another life is unpardonable.

        • BrokenSmile, your story is very similar to ones that I have heard or actually seen first hand. Meeting family, especially the parents is key to these types of relationships. If this does not occur early on then time generally gets lost. The reason why I asked if you had met your ex's parents is because I have a friend (non-muslim white) that is in a similar situation...albeit in the begining stages. She met a muslim guy online. When they first met in person, he didn't tell her that he was muslim (arabic) or go by his real name. She found out on her own...from what I was told, he didn't like the fact that she found out either. He has "americanized" his name and again was not forthright with it. He seems to be leading a double life where he acts one way around his parents and completely different around his friends. He doesn't drink, eat pork, prays 5 times a day...but has a haraam relationship and commits zina (premarital sex) with her. He has had relationships in the past (usually with non-muslim girls) and has always kept them a secret from his parents. He has also told her that he can't tell his parents about her because he is still in school (he is in his final semester of university). He apparently had a conversation with his dad where his dad said: "you are your own man and can marry whoever you want." But he has also said that he accepts her without any reservations but others will not accept her so willingly. He apparently also has a friend that is an "exotic dancer." Has a facebook account where his name is spelled completely different and has many "girl friends." He also doesn't want anybody (especially girls posting any "suspicious comments" on his wall). Despite these red flags and warnings from me she still pursues him thinking that she will be able to win out over his religion and his parents. She is a naive girl (and young) and will not listen to reason either it be me or what she reads online (about how these relationships tend to turn out). She has considered going to the local mosque to learn more but is scared to because it may lead to her learning the true nature of what is really going on here. My plights have been met with resentment. How should I approach this situation? How would you?

        • Also, I am so sorry for what happened to you...NOBODY deserves that.

  26. Need Answers,

    I am glad to read that you are concerned for your friend and you have all the right reasons to be as she is in the hands of a person who is just toying with her feelings and playing games with her life. After reading about your friend's relationship, I see enough red flags that are telling that she needs to end this relationship now or else she's booking herself a ticket to "heart break land".

    I will point out all the red flags here in sequential order and try my best to explain what I think is the reality of this relationship. If you like, you can also allow your friend to read this post. Hopefully, she will benefit from it.

    Red Flags:

    1.) “He didn't tell her that he was muslim (arabic) or go by his real name. She found out on her own...from what I was told, he didn't like the fact that she found out either.”

    Explanation: Okay, so this guy begins the relationship based on a lie. He knows she is a non-Muslim girl and for that reason he may have felt that if he told her initially that he is Muslim, she may have driven away from him as most people in society know that Muslims lead a conservative Islamic lifestyle. But this guy decided to lie about his religion AND his name: 2 very important pieces of identity. Also, when she found out he wasn’t very happy about it. Now, really how many people do we know that are sincere lie about their religion AND name? = None. He is a dishonest person, which makes me quite worried and tells me that I need to be alert. Whose to say that he hasn’t lied about other things since he has lied about something so important= his identity. We know that honest people do not conduct relationships like the way he is doing. People who want to commit and settle down with someone else are honest, they don’t try to create a false lifestyle to impress the person they are interested in.

    2.) He seems to be leading a double life where he acts one way around his parents and completely different around his friends. He doesn't drink, eat pork, prays 5 times a day...but has a haraam relationship and commits zina (premarital sex) with her. He has had relationships in the past (usually with non-muslim girls) and has always kept them a secret from his parents.

    Explanation: Okay, this is what confirmed my doubt about this guy. I am sorry to say but he is nothing but bad news. This guy like you said is living a double lifestyle. He wants the best of both worlds. At home he behaves the way his parents want him to but outside he behaves the way he wants to. Salat (prayers) is intended to purify and keep oneself away from committing sins. Pre-marital sex is a very huge sin in Islam. The Qur’aan states:

    "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32)

    I am sure this guy knows that what he is doing is haram (a huge sin) and yet he decides to follow his desires? A Muslim who is strong in faith will not lead a double lifestyle. He will follow only what his Creator has told him to follow. This guy is not being honest with his family, or with this girl. Also, when you say that this guy has had past relationships with non-Muslim females and he kept a secret from his family, then who’s to say that he’s not doing that right now? Who’s to say that he will actually commit with this girl and not discard her like he discarded the previous girls? A good way to predict future behaviour is to look at one’s past and present behaviour. Now there are some exceptions as people change, but clearly we can see here that this guy has not changed.

    So, so far this guy is not only a liar, but is living a double lifestyle in which he is deceiving not only his family, but this female also.

    3.) He has also told her that he can't tell his parents about her because he is still in school (he is in his final semester of university)

    Explanation: Okay, this is a pure lie. He is in his final year of University so I am assuming he is 21? A 21 year old guy who is serious bout a girl with the intentions of marriage can and WILL to talk to his parents regarding it. When a guy or a girl is serious about someone, they do not make excuses to delay commitment, instead they look for ways in which they can secure their relationship and make it everlasting. This guy is old enough to be in a relationship, old enough to be sexually active, but he is not old enough to discuss with his parents that he has a potential partner in mind for marriage? = Baloney!

    4.) He apparently also has a friend that is an "exotic dancer." Has a facebook account where his name is spelled completely different and has many "girl friends." He also doesn't want anybody (especially girls posting any "suspicious comments" on his wall).

    Explanation: Uh oh. Big red flag here! A friend who is an exotic dancer? A facebook account with his name spelled completely different? Lots of “girl friends”? Doesn’t want anybody posting any “suspicious” comments on his wall?
    He is definitely not sincere with this girl. I am not saying that he is cheating her but what I can say with guarantee is that he seems like a womanizer, he seems to be always on the “hunt” for a new prey. These are NOT qualities that anybody looks for (or should look for!) in a potential partner, irrespective of whatever religion are from. This person is not displaying an integral trait that every relationship requires: loyalty! And again, he changes his name! He is nothing but a liar (and possibly even a cheat).

    5.) She has considered going to the local mosque to learn more but is scared to because it may lead to her learning the true nature of what is really going on here.

    Explanation: Now, this is something that really caught my attention. From this statement, I know that your friend is an intelligent female. She knows deep down that this guy is nothing but bad news but due to her feelings she is trying to suppress these thoughts. You state: “but is scared to because it may lead to her learning the true nature of what is really going on here.” So, we’re not dealing with someone here who just can’t see that something is wrong with this guy. She knows there is something wrong, but she is denial and does not want to accept the reality as this will shatter all her hopes of what she WISHES this guy would be.

    These are enough red flags for me to get up and walk out of this relationship. I know it is difficult, I know they have probably spent some good time with another, but this is all for the time being. He is not with her for serious commitment, he is only with her for fun and games and he knows how to get what he wants from her. Lastly, I am not saying this applies to everyone but I know that Arab people usually prefer getting married to people from their own culture (as many cultures prefer). I doubt his family will accept her and I say this because of the double lifestyle he is living. His family seems to want him to practice Islam and follow its guidelines; therefore they probably want a Muslim daughter-in-law also. I am not entirely sure about this, but my hunch is they will probably prefer someone from their own culture and religion. Tell your friend to cut her losses and move on. If she stays with this guy, I assure you, she will be very unhappy and deep down, and she also knows this. She just needs enough strength to acknowledge and accept the reality.

    • MashaAllah sis, one of many beautiful insightful responses!
      May Allah reward you for this!
      Sara Editor

    • Helping Sister, I appreciate the advice and the thoroughness of it. There are a few more details that I would like to add and if you could analyze. This girl is very naive and even though she sees these warning signs, she will only stop if he tells her flat out that he doesn't want to be with her. She had a previous boyfriend that was 10 years older than her, was in a relationship that lasted about 2 years and apparently that guy was cheating on her for most of the time. She comes from a family...well lets just say not the ideal situation. High school wasn't very good for her either She is very young (21) and this guy is fairly young (26) as well. She has no college education, he is finishing his master's degree. When she described him....she always made the comment that she doesn't get guys like this. I didn't understand what this meant until she showed me some pictures of him off of facebook. He apparently loves working out and going around shirtless on the beach. He also entered a bodybuilding competition at his school (this competition was supposed to be for undergrads 19-21). They have talked about moving to the next step...marriage. He told her that she would have to stop drinking, could not eat pork and the children would need to be raised muslim but she could retain her religion (christianity). Now at first, she didn't like the idea but now she is so infatuated with him that she has said that she is okay with it because it gives her a "chance" to be with him. I've already tried to explain this to her but she has started to resent me for this. One more thing....and this is more for my understanding of islam. Is it possible to commit sins (the same ones) over and over again, repent and be forgiven? I keep reading these posts where people will sin, repent and be forgiven (but only if they don't repeat them).

      • She thinks that he is "fighting" his religion and that she will win out over it and his parents.

  27. I was amazed that this post was still receiving replies, but when I look carefully I see that there are many comments that have nothing to do with the original post. Instead people are co-opting the comments in order to post their own questions.

    Therefore I am closing this post. If you have a question, please log in and submit it as a separate post, and it will go in the queue. Don't use the comments section on someone else's question to post your own issue.

    And we Editors should not be encouraging this behavior. When we see someone posting a new question in the comments, we should tell them to write a separate post. Otherwise we are encouraging people to dodge our system and we're not being fair to the people who have been waiting patiently for their questions to be answered.

    Wael Editor