Islamic marriage advice and family advice

So confused… was this Allah’s will?

I was in a relationship since 2010, we were friends first and then started to develop feelings for each other, we got engaged in 2015 but on the condition that the guy would take his post graduation exams and start working before nikkah, our families and we were fine with as we both were young,
After our engagement we used to be in contact but not too in contact, initially I had a problem with this because I’m someone who likes to prioritize communication but he would just be lazy, I ignored it, we would talk once in a week or so, during that time I started getting proposals from other people and I informed my parents, but as they had already committed they didn’t give the other proposals much attention, Two years went by since the engagement the guy wasn’t able to any of his PG exams (he would say I’m not ready etc) I got weary at this point of this relationship coz my parents got worried too because in their heads this guy wasn’t serious at all and they wanted to end the commitment, but I would refuse every time coz I still had faith in him, but I would take my frustration out on him and would end up saying hurtful stuff then during this period I met someone else who proposed me and I seriously considered him but it did not go anywhere, I told my ‘fiancé’ about the proposals and stuff and how he needs to take his exams, get a job and be serious in life, he would agree with me every time but wouldn’t do anything about it, fast forward to one year, he finally takes his first PG exam and clears it, my parents although disappointed as they were expecting him to take al of his exams and have job in three years, decided there isn’t a point waiting any longer and we should atleast get a nikkah done.
When the nikkah talks began I got scared because for the past three years the guy has shown me a very non serious behavior and soo I had second thoughts about marrying him but because it had been three years my parents started insisting to stop thinking too much and go thru with marriage during which time I started doing isthikara.
After doing isthikara, my parents discussed with the guys family about what my Mehr is going to be. They had a problem with the amount as the guy wasn’t working and would not be able to give me such an amount to which my parents reduced the amount and advised the guys parents that he wouldn’t have to give anything at the time of nikkah, he can give the mehar amount to me whenever he is able to in life and I would never demand it from him. The guy and his family were still not ok with that and said blamed my parents for ‘insulting them’ which my parents never did.
The guy wanted me to ask my parents to apologize to his dad but as my parents didn’t do anything I refused to give an apology, Plus he started having problems with my clothing  (jeans to be specific- I dress modestly Alhamdulillah but do not wear the tradional ettire as I was bought up overseas) he wanted me to wear the tradional clothing in front of his family as his other sisters in law do, which I refused because I thought this was lame as I have always dressed the same way since he met me, he knew and liked how I dressed, he didn’t have a problem then, why was it now he is asking me to change myself.

And  after that the guys dad called my dad and told him that they would not proceed with the marriage and  how his son had felt insulted by our attitude as they had come all the way from overseas with the intention of nikkah and we didn’t tell them about the Mehr amount before etc BUT he didn’t know that his son already knew about the amount for the past two years as it’s always been  the same in my family but Never told his dad or discussed with his family ( didn’t even own up in front of his dad when his dad was accusing my family)
The guy didn’t even bother telling me his and his families final decision by himself, I found out from my dad.
After that I tried reasoning with him twice but of noo use, soo I gave up, cut off all contact with him.

All of this happened within 7 days, after i did isthikara.

my question is whether this was Allahs will for my betterment or I’m getting punished for being unthankful considering someone else for marriage in the middle of commitment with someone else or sometimes being mean to this guy?
I pray regurlarly Alhamdulillah, I know everything happens with Allahs will but some days I get really depressed and ask myself why did this happen esp when I finally decided to go thru with the marriage.

I’m sorry for my long post, Looking forward to your input.

thanks

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14 Responses »

  1. Hi
    I am sorry to point out but your fiance does not show much promise, life may be very difficult with him, as he does not seem to be motivated. If you are interested in marrying some one else it is perfectly fine because you are not breaking trust but just making sure that you find an appropriate man to marry. I think it is good that things were dissolved without you struggling to dissolve your engagement. Please do not be sorry as you are intelligent and making the right choice in life. Islam also guided us in being practical over emotional only when we do not harm anyone intentionally or unintentionally. Good-luck with your life. Do not be sorry for being smart and practical enough to see where life is taking you.

  2. 1) Please do not talk to non-mahrams. Why do you talk to non-mahram males in the first place? What's your excuse? This is your problem. You need to work on that. Maybe, you got your lesson.

    2) The guy is right as far as wearing jeans is concerned. I dont understand how wearing jeans is considered modest. Look, any honorable and decent man would have issues if his wife wears provocative or revealing dresses. By all standards, wearing jeans that reveal the shape of your legs and hips is unacceptable for a Muslimah until or unless you wear a long shirt.

    3) I do not understand the Pakistani mentality. Why do we care about petty issues? Your dad made it pretty clear to him that they do not want the exact amount at the time of Nikah. He just wants to write a bigger amount in order to feel safe that the guy wont divorce you. If his dad doesn't understand this, I am thinking there might be other issues. I think the "traditional attire" is the bone of contention here. You know I do understand some females, especially those brought overseas and those who live in posh areas of our cities, don't truly relate to the psyche of males when it comes to these issues. I would recommend you watch some videos on Islamic dressing, modesty and haya.

    4) Just make one final try. One shouldn't feel that tendering an apology would dent their self-esteem. Ask your dad to call his dad and apologize if that can make things work out.

    5) Lastly, and that would be a shocker for you, I honestly think this guy is not a pretty good suitor. He lacks ambition and motivation. He is going to really get on your nerves in the future as far as monetary issues are concerned. But if his character is good and he doesn't do any hidden sins, I think he would be a safe bet as far as your marital happiness is concerned. Just be sure on his financial health because it's gonna matter a lot when you guys have children.

    Just a last advice. Submit yourself completely to the will and order of Allah. Work on your "traditional attire" by watching and reading stuff. I am confident Allah is going to bless you with a lot of happiness and contentment. Someone told me that Sherry, in this day and age, i.e. 21st century, when a sister wears modest clothing and resists her urge to gain the attraction of the opposite gender by wearing provocative clothes, God smiles and boasts about her in front of angels. Similarly, when a male lowers his gaze and does not see naked or semi-dressed females, God feels proud of him. So, here lies your motivation. If things don't work out with this guy, God's gonna send better proposals and very soon! Mark my words! You know the deal. You just have to take care of your end of the bargain. God always keeps up His promises! 🙂

    I wish you the best of luck!

  3. Leave this wish washy guy who couldn’t even owned up to his father that he knew about the amount of Mahr beforehand and didn’t take his commitment to finish school and start work immediately. There are flaws in his character that even you are not comfortable with. So before it’s too late, please just find someone else Inshaa Allaah.
    You can wear your jeans, just cover up with an abaya when you’re with non mahram men. And please don’t live in a joint family. Live in the same city as your in laws but not in the same house.

    • Umm abdallah ,

      You mean to say jeans wearing showing tight legs and hips are fine for Muslim girl?

      • Why is everyone protesting that jeans are haram for ladies? It's how you wear it. Not too tight but nice fitting...and yes the type of top you wear matters, it should cover your butt, not too tight and revealing.

        • Tami: Why is everyone protesting that jeans are haram for ladies? It's how you wear it. Not too tight but nice fitting...and yes the type of top you wear matters, it should cover your butt, not too tight and revealing.

          It also depends where you live. If you live in countries like Pakistan, Afghanistan and Egypt a burqa wearing woman may as likely be stared at and/or touched in public transport and markets.

          What percentage of Muslim men lower their gaze when they see a young girl coming their way.

      • Yes for her husband and other muslimahs and her mahram.

  4. Be happy that this didn't work. You many not see the reasons now because your overwhelmed with emotions. Sooner or later you will not regret what happened. As far as dressing up...to me it sounded like he was going to be very dominating and controlling in everything you do. So, this was another sign. How dare he not tell his father he was notified about meher earlier before their arrival what a jerk. Be happy he is gone.

  5. You write:
    my question is whether this was Allahs will for my betterment or I’m getting punished for being unthankful considering someone else for marriage in the middle of commitment with someone else or sometimes being mean to this guy?

    It's neither. The things we go through in life are merely consequences of our own choices - there's no cosmic explanation, there are only very logical ones. You went through this relationship and its struggles, because you CHOSE to be in this relationship and tolerate the struggles of it for 3 years. Had you made a different choice 2-3 years ago, the outcome would have been different, too.

    As someone else said, be grateful that you never ended up marrying this man. He sounds like a joker to me, and the fact that you two grew up in different countries, and with different cultures, clearly was an issue. This guy and his family sound like people you don't want in your life, if I'm quite honest. Don't overthink things and just try to move on from your life. As I'm sure your ex is.

  6. Im sorry but why are some posters focusing on how she is wearing jeans from the WHOLE post. You tend to blame her wearing jeans but she said it herself she tries to dress modestly. Stop assuming things and saying she is wearing skin tight and revealing every shape of her body. If she hadn't wore jeans, that still wouldn't change the outcome of this ridiculous roller coaster ride for her.

    In all honesty, if the brother was serious, he would have shown it by focusing on his exams and career and expedited it. The sisters parents MashaAllah were very patient and even very considerate. She was lucky on this one and Allah is actually doing something good for this sister because this is not a person you would want to marry.

  7. Salam..im not going to read all of this nonsense..heres my advice sister if your foundation is not solid concrete then your Islam will come with problems..There is no such thing as relationships. ALREADY YOU OUR CURSING YOURSELF!!UNDERSTAND THIS 1ST.

  8. Whether for your punishment or betterment; why does that seem to matter in this situation? The point is, Allah has chosen this man out of your life, and it seems to be the khair for you as he wasted your time and wasn't serious about getting married. Your families were clearly not compatible. Whatever the reason, thank Allah for taking him out of your life. There's no reason to ponder on whether you're being punished or not. From an outsiders view, it looks to be the khair. So say Alhamdulilah and focus on pleasing your family by choosing a man who fears Allah.

    I pray you find someone who will take care of you, and make you happy, in shaa Allah.

  9. Salam,

    Are you still looking for input on this?

  10. JazakAllah for all your advices, I now understand that it was Allah intervening to protect me, it was for my khair at the end as all of his matters are.
    Thankyou guys for giving your input

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