Islamic marriage advice and family advice

So many mistakes, I have no idea how to set things straight again

guilt regret female

asalam mailaikum everyone.

I really don't know where to start as this is a long and complicated situation of mine, I hope inshallah you will have the patience and help me out here a bit.

Well I am a muslim girl but have been a very bad one for the past 4-5 years, though I always had my faith in Allah it was always on/off I guess the Satan came in the way too many times, I had been in a relationship with a muslim guy for 3 years we were in love but I had done other bad things before him as well so that caused a lot of prolems between me and him, I loved him very much but he always used to bring my past up and also swore at me a lot and said horrible things to me about my appearance,past etc..

But he always used to say sorry and I always forgave him, we commited a lot of sins together,zina and other stuff, I used to tell him lets get married but he was always telling me he isn't ready, anyway the final straw for me was when for months he accused me of chatting to other guys when it was not true and I begged him to believe me but he didn't. When I had  enough and wanted to go on the straight path as well I ended things with him and got married to some one arranged by my family. Afterwards I found out I was pregnant by my ex's child.  I was terrified and confused, did not tell anyone at first but eventualy told my ex and I said to him I have to give it up for adoption and he didn't agree, neither could he take the child bcause he was not settled or anything, so in the end I had to tel someone so I told my sister and she supported me and said she would adopt my child. Now I have given birth and my daughter is with my sister, but my ex is saying he would take her once he is ready. I don't know whose side to give, I am so confused also my husband does not know about any of this, he is working abroad and if my family know or him and his family know it would bring a lot of shame to them. My heart is heavy with burden I have repented to Allah sincerely and for my family's sake I am willing to work on my marriage as there really is no future for me and my ex.

I also feel so guilty for hiding all this from my husband, I would have told him but just for my family's sake their shame and honour I can't. I worry about my daughters future, at the moment I feel like I will never be able to have anymore children as this will not be fair to my daughter, also my ex texts me and I text him about our daughter but we never come to any agreement. I am being patient but all this is getting me down, I know it to be wrong to keep contact with my ex but I don't know why I can't let him go, please brothers and sisters help me with your advice have I done the right thing by giving my daughter up to my sister? Shall I tell my husband everything?  Should I completly stop contact with ex? I would appreciate all your answers. thankyou.


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It's unfortunate that you made such heavy mistakes, and as you see there are consequences to those choices. Everyone makes mistakes, and you do have hope of redeeming yourself even after a situation like this.

    I don't thinks this is a situation you will be able to keep from your husband. This child is going to be in your life, in one way or another, until the day you die insha'Allah. It's best to just go ahead and be honest with your husband, and reassure him that this all came about before you were married to him and you are surely very sorry. If you try to keep it a secret from him and he finds out about it through others (which is entirely possible) this will cause more trouble in your marriage than if you had just told him yourself.

    As far as your daughter, I believe her father would have rights of raising her over your sister. If you don't want to keep her and raise her yourself (which might not be a bad idea, you may find healing with this), then she deserves to be with her father. If there are other reasons that he should not care for her (for example, he will abuse or neglect her), or he declines to care for her on his own volition, then you will need to go through your local court system to have your sister named as a guardian for her and some type of visitation schedule set up for her father. Only in severe cases should you move to have his parental rights terminated. It's important to have everything done legally so that if in the future your daughter has been staying with your sister, and your ex wants to come take her (or vice versa), your daughter's best interests are being protected by making sure she remains in a stable environment as she grows up.

    Another thing I would like to point out is, if you let your daughter remain with your sister, and your ex wants her, I am pretty sure he would have legal recourse to gain rights over her. So it's better to put all the details in writing now and make it official, before it gets messy down the road.

    I don't want you to feel like you can never have children again. These days, for better or worse, there are all kinds of family arrangements and dynamics and children are able to grow up heathily having half and step siblings that live both near and far from them. If you are able to mend any disruption this situation causes your marriage, I would suggest you honor your husband (if he wishes) by starting a family with him. I think both of you, and your daughter, will feel more complete if you do that instead of making this situation a permanent feature of your lives.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salaam Sister,
    we are all sinners.We all make mistakes and if we ask for forgiveness we are forgiven.

    I agree with amy you will need to be honest with your current partner as it will come out sooner or later.It is better it comes from you then a third party and the details are distorted.

    With regard to your daughter you will need to sort out the finer details as your ex will have rights to your daughter if he wishes to exercise them.

    I hope all goes well for you and you are able to settle down.

    Take Care.

    Allah Hafiz.

  3. Allah is most forgiving and Allah (SWT) knows whats in our hearts.

    What's done in darkness WILL be brought into the light. Tell your husband, he has the right to know. And don't mention your pastimes to anybody. Keep it a secret from everyone, and i mean everyone, so that it is only between you, your sister and Allah(SWT). Then when you are fully ready you should tell your IMMEDIATE family ONLY, right after talking to your husband first.

    Sweetheart, Allah (SWT) is very Merciful and he loves all Muslims. Allah (SWT) will forgive everything except for sherk. If you really want forgiveness then you should ask Allah for it truly from the bottom of your heart. There are 3 rules for Allah to forgive you if you have done a bad sin.

    1. That you should be true to yourself and that you truly believe what you did was wrong.

    2. that you regret about what what you did.

    3. that you promise Allah that you will never repeat what you did EVER again.

    Allah will forgive if you truly ask for forgiveness sincerely, you still having your problems is a sign that Allah has forgiven you, because Allah always tests his follower to see how much you believe in him. So all you have to do is be strong and pray to Allah. Just remember that Allah is always with you and whatever he does to you, he does it for your best. And as far as guilt is concerned you are not to blame, and you should not blame yourself forever for something that has already taken place. Allah is Forgiving and Merciful no matter how much you commit sin he will always forgive your sins.

    Allah (SWT) Most High says in Noble Qur'an, "Ask your Lord for forgiveness and then turn in repentance to Him..." (11:3)

    Also Allah (SWT) Most High says in Noble Qur'an, "O you who believe! Turn (in repentance) to Allah with sincere repentance; Perhaps your Lord will remove your evil from you... " (66:8)

    he Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "The sign of the people of Hell is mostly because of the postponement of repenting (Tawbah and Istighfar)."

    The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "A sincere repentant never sins again as the milk drawn from the breast never can go back to its source."

    The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "The repentant from a sin is as same as him who did not commit it."

    The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "Nothing is more favorable to Allah (SWT) than a male or female repentant believer."

    The Noble Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "There are four signs of one who is repentant: (1) He is sincere to Allah (SWT) in his actions (2) He shuns falsehood (3) He is firmly attached to truth and (4) He is eager to do good."

    Imam Ali (as) said: "The sin that makes you sad and repentant is more liked by Allah (SWT) than the good deed which turns you arrogant."

    Imam Ali (as) said: "A sincere repentant: (1) is ashamed of his past sins (2) takes up the duties overlooked and fulfils them (3) makes good the willfully ignored conditions of a trust managed by him (4) forgives those who provoke him (5) does not demand repayment of loans from those who are in financial distress (6) makes firm determination not to sin ever again (7) surrenders his self to the adoration, devotion and service of Allah (SWT) when it had swelled to the point of exploding due to inordinate consumption of worldly pleasures, transgression and disobedience."

    Imam Zainul Abideen (as) said: "My God! You are He who has opened a door to Your pardon and named it 'repentance' for You said, 'Repent to God with unswerving (sincere) repentance' (66:8). What is the excuse for him who remains heedless of entering the door after its opening?"

    Imam Jafar Sadiq (as) said: "If a servant repents sincerely, Allah (SWT) loves him (and) so conceals his sins."

    P.S. You cannot stop taking to your ex-boyfriend, if he wants to be in his daughter's life. You both would need to act like parents, and put everything aside, and take care of this innocent child. There's nothing else you need to say or do to your ex-boyfriend, because you are now a married man. If your ex does not want anything to do with your daughter, then exist him out of your life completely. I'd suggest you go to court and take full custody of your little one, or let your sister do it if she wants to be the Guardian, just to play it in the safe side for the long run in case your ex wants custody of your daughter. You could never be too careful.

    Sister, you brought a beautiful girl into the world, don't regret what you did, or feel shameful. Just repent how you did it.

    AGAIN, Ask Allah's forgiveness because you sincerely regret doing your sins. Not because you wan't your current problem solved. When Allah wants to bring you closer to Him, He gives you trials. So be patient. Try to get closer to God.

    "Fa inna ma'al 'usri yusra. Inna ma'al 'usri yusra".
    Verily, along with every hardship is relief. Verily, along with every hardship is relief.

  4. i would advice you to tell your husband ....tell this happend before ya got marriend ask hime for giveness because that will be in your life forever and also ask allah for give ness

  5. jazzak allah khair everyone for all your comforting replys. i am alhamdu lillah in alot more peace now.
    at the time i asked this qs i was in great distress but i have been sincererly praying to allah and inshallah will never go back to those sins.

    Atm my husband is still not with me. i really dont think i have the courage to tell him, i dont actualy know his character or anything as it was an arranged marriage therefore i really dont know how he will react if and when i do tell him...

    also i would appreciate it if you would advice me on about my ex,even though he said hurtfull thing to me i still think about him i cant help it,every night i have dreams about him,i know it wrong but how can i stop him coming to my thoughts, i love him alot but it was not in our destiny to be together,i dont know sometimes i silently wish we'l be united again 1 day me,my daughter n her dad?

    please make dua for me everyone.

    allah hafiz

  6. Salaam sister

    Time moves on and so must we. Do not lose what you could make now for what couldn't be. Whats in the past is just shadows and dust, but what you plant today could bloom and bear fruits tomorrow.

    Someone learned once told me that the istikhara salaat helps in deciding or choosing what to do. Insha Allah everything works out for the very best for you. At the end of the way only Allah subhana wa tallah knows and gives us what is best for us.

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