Spouse cheating, guidance appreciated
Asalaam alaikum.
I am a reverted muslimah, since Spring 2009 (before I was married). I was married to a good hearted muslim man the following year, alhamduliAllah. He comes from a good family, and he has a very caring nature mashaAllah. This is my 2nd marriage, but my first marriage in Islam.
My husband has definitely helped me to improve myself, as I have trusted his guidance and advice. However, there have been several instances where he has, at the very least, been talking with other women in a "getting to know you" sort of way. This hurts my heart the same as open cheating. I am not a devious or cunning person by any means, so I do not have any solid proof that he has actually cheated. But what I guess could be called circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. "old" profiles on dating websites, the friendly messages there to women about "thanks for being friends, your pictures are beautiful". I know in my heart this is unacceptable in marriage, and especially in Islam.
I am hurt, because I know that he has ruined the trust between us. I want to work to save and strengthen our marriage, but I do not know how.
I am conflicted about going to our Imam, and exposing my husband's possible infidelity, as I do not want to disrespect him or hurt his image in our community. (It's a small muslim community here) At the same time, if I confront him privately between just us, I know he will find a way to explain out of it (since I have no proof of him directly saying he wanted to have sex with another woman) and he will not show ANY repentance (as he has done before). I do not possess the Islamic knowledge to say what will have the best impact for him to stop and be better. If he does not say he is sorry, and does not seem remorseful, I do not know what to do to bring him back to a straight way pleasing to Allah.
He is currently visiting his family overseas for a month. We usually chat every couple of days online, but I am wondering if it best to not talk so much...at least until I have an idea of how to get through this. I want to pray istikhara for the seven days, and avoid any real chatting with him for those seven days (except for simple offline messages so he does not worry) in order to keep my mind focused and listening to Allah. Is that wrong, or is it better to talk to him as usual during that time?
When commenting, please try to provide quotes from Quran or Sunnah, as that would be most helpful in giving me something to reference. Thanks so much!
1 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
I am not sure if I can conclude, as you have, that him talking to other females "to get to know them" is cheating. As a Muslim man, he is entitled to take another wife. To me, it seems very possible that his endeavors may be in that direction, as opposed to straight infidelity. As you said, you don't really have much proof that he is "cheating", only that he has been talking to other women.
Now, I have always been of the mindset that if a man wants another wife, he should at least let the current wife know. Unfortunately, not all men do this. I would suggest you set aside time once your husband returns and let him know what you've seen and ask him if he is indeed looking for another wife. If he is, this is not adultery or cheating. If he says he's not, then ask for an explanation for what you've seen. You said these were old profiles, so he may tell you that these were communications from before your marriage. You have to at least allow him the chance to earn back your trust by explaining what was going on. If he indeed was in the wrong (meaning he had no intentions of finding a second wife but was talking to women while married to you anyway), give him the opportunity to make it right. If all he was doing was talking to them, I wouldn't suggest involving the imam or thinking about divorce. It is a haraam, yes, but it's not the worst kind of infidelity and it's not beyond repair.
I understand your feelings are hurt and you feel betrayed. However, as women we have to learn to keep our possessiveness in check because the possibility of having to one day share our husbands remains a reality in Islam. If you feel that you are not able to accept that, you have the right to a monogamous marriage and can ask for a divorce. However, it is vital that you and your husband discuss this matter seriously and thoroughly to make sure you each understand how the other feels and both know what to expect from each other moving forward.
As far as the istikhara, I am not really clear on what you are trying to determine for it. Istikhara is generally used when we have choices before us and we are not feeling certain about which way to choose. Is there an aspect you are debating about, besides how much you should talk to your husband while away? There is no right or wrong answer about that, you can easily tell him you are spending this time apart to focus on Allah and what He wants for you. I'm sure your husband would understand that, but there is also no harm in talking to him "as much as usual" because you will still have plenty of time to focus on your niyat outside of those times.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor