Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Spying on Cheating Spouse

Muslim woman, alone, lonely, thoughtful

 

As a Muslim convert I wasn't aware it is haram to "spy" on my husband so I did it and found out he has been having an affair with a non Muslim woman. I read about spying on your husband being totally haram .. so my question is if a wife is really sure her husband is cheating on her is she meant to just accept it because she isn't allowed to confirm it to herself? Doesn't this just give permission to husbands to cheat as they like because a good Muslim wife will not catch him?

Very confused, please help.

-MishMish


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16 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum,

    Im sorry to hear about the heartache your going through. I know the pain of betrayal is indeed very difficult to deal with but remember, with the help of Allah we can go through anything in life.

    As for what your asking, im glad you have actually asked it because I felt like a lot of people, even on this forum, feel extremely guilty for "spying" on their partners who in most cases do turn out to be cheaters and in nearly every case, the person who tried to catch them out had VERY valid reasons for being suspicious and going that far anyway.
    If your spouse is behaving rather funny...and you have more than enough valid reasons to suspect them, then there is nothing wrong in you taking steps to confirm that suspicion. Many people feel guilty for doing simple things like checking their husbands text messages...and I dont understand why they should! They are married, what can a man have in his mobile phone that he has a right to hide from his wife? Why should the wife not be able to read through his messages anyway? In a healthy marriage, things arent kept secret from each other anyway.
    Furthermore to have a spouse who is secretive and their behaviour points directly towards signs of infidelity...no sister islam does not require you to sit there doing nothing until he comes up to you and says to your face 'im cheating on you'...coz lets face it, that day will probably not come and you'll live your life in limbo and pain.
    If you have very sound reasons for being suspicious, then there is nothing wrong with you confirming that by checking up on your spouses whereabouts, etc.

    When a man suspects his wife of infidelity and follows her around only to find that yes she is cheating on him, nobody tells the man you were wrong brother for having done that. But when a woman who suspects her husband does that..she is made to feel extremely guilty for wanting to get a peace of mind by finding out the truth for herself!

    You have been smart to not be fooled by your husband and noticed the signs and done something to know what to do with your life. Now you should confront him and talk to him about it.

    Was salaamu alaikum

    • I need help.. I'm recently heard my husband talking to men night time very sexual way. It's now 3 years of marriage. starting from the beginning I knew he is attracted mens by his talks. But I never thought he would behave in that form.Once he even try defending homosexual people but as a Muslim I used to give opposite answers. So this night I heard all of this I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted by saying what are you talking about why are you talking this nasty way. He then straight away end the call and started getting angry and saying you can't tell anyone about me If I did he will tell all about my past things. But why he is talking about past which I already tawbah. He even say he did forgive me when I did wrong very long time then I should do forgive as well. Then I asked for his mobile and he got angry that he was pushing me away from it. He did wanted to delete something on his mobile and tried to show me that but I said I already give up and started praying. He even told if I want be with him dnt ask what I do and trying checking mobile I never did before.
      again tonight I couldn't stay without hearing him talk to this man. I heard him talk same like a teenage boy and girl talk and talking about nasty pictures.subhanallah. And one bit he even agree to meet him somewhere and said it's my life my phone I can do what ever I want. Then tell him about my past stories which is already solve and unrelated. I'm now scared of getting some sickness. I dnt think I want stay with him he just want to show world he is normal by marrying me. And do all this. He even prays 5 prayer and read quran. What should I do ?

      • Salam,

        I think you need to leave him and his phone alone by getting a divorce. If he's not willing to come clean on what he's doing when it seems that he's pretty much gay then you might as well get a divorce. Sorry you had to go through this. It's not going to be easy but it's either divorce or raise a family with a man that runs around sleeping with other guys. He is not fit to be your husband. If he says he's going to stop and you should stay I still recommend not staying. If he likes men and has to curb his urges to stay with you then after some time I would expect that he'd be back at it.

  2. Just to mention, even the verse where Allah swt warns us against suspicion..He mentions it being a sin in "some cases"..or "most" according to some tafseers. Allah swt does not claim suspicion to be a sin in itself, because that would be illogical.

    As muslims, we are to avoid suspicion without foundation.

  3. Salam Sisters

    I have a problem my husband started this job at Hilton Hotel as a Housekeeper, he had been acting strangly since he has been there so.. I rang his work place and asked the manager abouts him, whether hes in work bla bla!Also knowing that he gets two ten mins break and a lunch break which is about half an hour!

    He doesnt call me may be for five mins and thats that!

    I am not a control freak it is just that i have had numerous experiences in the past and all were not very nice . Anyway!! I have been married nine months now from this guy who came to this country on a student visa and now he is carrying a spouse visa.

    I have called the police on him once due to domestic violence and threatend to kill my dad with a knife i know mentall init!! could be ??
    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

    • Sarah, Walaykumsalaam,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salam Sisters

        I have a problem my husband started this job at Hilton Hotel as a Housekeeper, he had been acting strangly since he has been there so.. I rang his work place and asked the manager abouts him, whether hes in work bla bla!Also knowing that he gets two ten mins break and a lunch break which is about half an hour!

        He doesnt call me may be for five mins and thats that!

        I am not a control freak it is just that i have had numerous experiences in the past and all were not very nice . Anyway!! I have been married nine months now from this guy who came to this country on a student visa and now he is carrying a spouse visa.

        I have called the police on him once due to domestic violence and threatend to kill my dad with a knife i know mentall init!! could be ??

        • Sarah, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thanks. And give us more details about the past experiences you've had, were they with this husband, or someone else?

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Absolutely not harram on your part. Confront him and ask if he wants a divorce or ask a sheik and close family for help. What he is doing is a great sin. Not a role model like the prophet says, the best of men are the ones best to their wives.

    • Prophet (salallahu alaihi wassalam) brother 🙂

    • Salam walaikum my wife is texting a close friend she said he was his crush I ignored that he seemed nice guy but one day her phone on sofa I just went through looking at photo messages came from this freind saying I love you she also said I love back and other messages iswell I got upset I told her about she said she sorry felt guilty but she started again this time she said it's just time pass it's nothing he comes everday to our house one time I likes it but now I don't I told her I don't like it I tried to sit with her but she don't want talk properly. One day she said she love us both I told her this is not possible we had lots of arguments this not first time she even sleep with my bro that was 11 years ago I don't want to leave her I love her I started to hack her phone she found out somehow now she says she stopped everything but I got feeling she hasn't
      What I do please tell me

      • Anwar, leave her. I understand that you love her, but she is not a faithful woman. For the sake of your own self-respect, dignity and happiness, leave her. It might hurt for some time, but eventually you will find someone better, isnshaAllah.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Hi I have a question.
    I am a second wife of my husband his first wife is aware of our marriage but she has a problem with it she knows about us and our child he lives with her and to prevent her from being hurt whenever she asks about me and him he always denies. My question is this although she knows about me and him is it allowed for her to spy on him and somehow get hold of our conversations via text or whatsapps?

    • Farah MK............. whenever she asks about me and him he always denies. My question is this although she knows about me and him is it allowed for her to spy on him and somehow get hold of our conversations via text or whatsapps?

      Do you mean, your so called husband is lying to his first wife about your relationship with him? His first wife has a right to know the truth.

    • Salam Farah,

      I don't think she's trying to spy on you. Based on what you're saying your husband isn't giving his first wife the impression that he's married to you. She' probably just trying to figure out if he is or not.

  6. Asalamu Alaikum dear sister. First of all, if you had suspicion that your husband committing zinnah did you ever confront him and ask him so?
    Did you ever reason with him as to how committing zinnah is one of the major sins in Islam ?
    Its absolutely forbiddened for anyone to look into the private belongings of another person, even if he or she is your spouse. All of us have our own past, some of which might not be so nice and its best left to the unknown lest it compromise our present relationship.

    Furthermore, a lot of times when we are suspicious of our spouses all the time, without any sound reason, we indirectly push them towards actually exceeding the bounds that the Qura'an and Sunnah have set for us as Muslims. Could it be that you had been spying on your husband well before and your actions actually forced him to take the wrong path. Could it also be that there was something lacking in your marriage and your husband wasn't getting the necessary attention from you or maybe there was something in the way you behaved with him that forced him to seek love and attention outside of marriage.

    I am not saying any of this out of spite, rather we tend to have a tendency to blame others and never want to look within ourselves inorder to seek answers to questions. This is the easiest route.

    Anyway, if you're not happy and satisfied with your relationship its best that you seek Khullah and both of you go your own ways.

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