IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Sadness.

Salam,

Thank you for all of your responses to my previous post from March 2012:

I am tired, confused and do not want to marry my cousin anymore. Its driving me to suicidal thoughts.

But I am afraid that it does not matter what I do, the serenity in my heart only lasts for a moment before it is taken away again.

I have in this time read many,  many posts, blogs, books, hadiths and I have done or tried everything in my way to remove this pain.

I don't want to be considered an arrogant woman who consistently just moans and thinks about herself. But whatever is happening to me just seems to get worse by the day. I have been to the doctor, tried to concentrate on other things, I have even told my family not to talk about this situation because it seems like I am dying inside. Even at this moment I am very lost and confused, I cannot decipher  which words are from Allah and which are from Shaytaan.

I wish I could say I was strong, I was good a muslimah, or a humble, sincere servant. But unfortunately I can never EVER consider myself like that in my own eyes. People can tell me all they want that I am not like that, but it does not matter to me since it goes out from one ear to the other ear. I don't know what is going to happen to me both in this life or the hereafter. All I know is that I don't like the way my situation and actions is affecting everyone around me, it drives me crazy when I can hear it in my mum's voice or see the pain in her eyes or any other family member's eyes.

I know Allah never gives us a burden which a soul cannot bear, and I also know that we cannot call ourselves muslims if we have not been trial or tested by Allah in some form or manner. But I just wish all the mistakes or sin that I have committed was punished to me and to me only. If I could I would take all of my mother's mistakes and replace them with my good deeds so that she was pure and she was elevated in the ranks of Jannah and I was submitted in the lowest rank of Hell. I am not trying to decide my own destiny, it just sometimes it dwells the pain a bit when I talk to myself like that or tell myself like that.

I seriously hate myself more than I have ever hated anyone else, which is an understatement considering that I don't want to hate anyone ever. I am callous, selfish, ruthless, abrupt, hypocrite, horrible, nasty, non believer person anyone will ever meet. I feel sorry for the people who have come across my path and I hope no one else comes across it either. I don't know what to do, I have always tried to make my family proud and be the good daughter that I am meant to be, I always try not to do anything that would displease Allah but somehow I manage to do that anyway.

I don't know if it was what I felt in my childhood that is taking an impact on me. But that is something that I can never change or forget. I just don't want to drag my mother or anyone else in to my problems or mistakes; my family members have suffered in their own kind of way already. I don't know what to do, but all I know is that because of one person or even a mention of his name my whole world seems to be turned upside down, and I just don't want to live anymore. I know that is not the solution to anything and that I will face worse consequences if I ever did take that step, but I know it is the devil's whisperings so I am determined to not allow that to happen apart from when it is destined to happen.

Please tell me what should I do, I know this is not the worse matter that is happening in the world right now, I understand and realise that clearly, but you cannot even begin to imagine the thoughts I come up with or the torment that I go through everyday. I don't know what I want for myself, but all I know is that I want my mum is to be elevated in the highest rank possible in Jannah and that she is saved from the Hell fire, I want the same for my family also.

For me, is another matter I could not care less about myself and I don't see any reason why either. I am literally on the edge of the cliff , that I don't know how long the hold is. I know with every hardship comes ease, but how do I believe that from the bottom of my heart? I have numerous times made dua for every muslim including my family for Allah to forgive you and bestow his mercy upon you. I tried to do it sincerely and if so with tears just so that I know what ever I would ask for myself I would also ask on your behalf too, because just maybe Allah would listen to the prayer, you never do know.

I am just getting really tired, often having restless sleep and crying myself to sleep because of one human being. I try to be cheerful but I only manage for a short period of time before it collapses again. I have no clue whatsoever, but it is so hard to be so resilient and restraint on yourself is like a tug of war happening across the globe. it is an epic battle that by the grace of Allah I have been able to manage to withstand.

Please tell me I don't know what else to say, does this make me a bad person? Why is that after happily accepting the nikah, I am finding it extremely difficult to communicate with him? I know he is far away, but I cannot help this voice inside my head suggesting to be patient and have faith in Allah, that if I do that then inshallah I will get what I want. But then how do I stop the remorse people give me when I tell them that I want to end the relationship even before  it has even started? Or that I feel like there is someone better than me out there for him who will give him all the support and love that I will not be able to give him?

I know we often hate the things that are meant to be good for us. But I cannot also help that this was written in my destiny; it was predestined. Please tell me am I doing something wrong? Even though I know that even though I don't intend to hurt him but I am anyway just by simply doing nothing is equally giving him grief?  Why is that everyone can see his pain, but not the pain that I feel in my heart? Or the tears in my eyes? Why is that everyone will go against me to defend him and decide that my destiny is with him and that what I want is impossible simply because the whole of society knows? Why is that no one will put a hand over my head or hug me and tell me that have faith in Allah and that everything will be fine? Why do I feel like I am alone in my own battle, even though I am living with people? Why is it I am facing all these challenges alone with no one to guide me or support me beside Allah? Isn't that what families are for? To guide and support one another.

So tell me Brothers and Sisters, am I wrong in what I am saying? Or I am just deluded? Am I really committing a sin which is disliked by Allah? Please help me and pray for me before my grieve takes over me and I become insane and do something that I will sincerely regret.

Enough of my babbling. I make dua to Allah (SWT) that he sincerely forgives you and bestows his mercy upon every one of you. I hope that and pray to Allah that he forgives our past, present and future sins. O Allah, please help us to make dua or send durood on the deceased for the past, present and the future so that they are removed from Hell and entered in Heaven and that their ranks are elevated as much as possible. I hope Allah increases our Iman, increases our highest level of belief, of faith, increases our love for Him, our love for the Prophet, our love for the sunnah and that he helps us to follow the sunnah and helps us to do all the things that we are meant to be doing. O Allah please enlighten our hearts with noor, wisdom and your mafirah, Ya Allah helps us to do all the necessary, voluntary acts and good deeds that will help us become close to you until you become the eyes we see from, the ears we hear from, the hands that we do things with, the feet that we walk with. O Allah helps our hearts and tongue be full of your consciousness at all times. Ya Allah help us to become one of the people who will stand by the group to which the Prophet will say, "You will enter Jannah" and the people who will get the shade of Arsh of your throne on the day of Judgement. Ya Allah if there is anyone out there who is in some kind of difficulty, or in pain, or in any kind of hardship or trial. or if they are sick or on their death bed, then please help them to have inner courage, strength and patient so that they may overcome this adversity. Verily you reward the patient ones. Ya Allah if there is Family who are bickering or marriages breaking then please create love and peace amongst them once, if there is anyone who is lost or confused or is lead astray from the right path then please bring them on the right path and guide them along the way. Ya Allah help us have that kind of faith and patient they way they used to have in the Prophet's era. Verily, with every hardship comes ease. O Allah you are my confidence in every anguish and my hope in every difficulty. Ameen

I really do hope that Allah bestows his immense blessings upon you, and that you obtain both rewards for this life and in the here after. I hope all of you are prosperous and successful in every aspect of your life. This is the dua I try to make with sincere repentance, so that maybe Allah will forgive me or you. I hope you guys become the best of the best muslims I will ever become, and become a united nation. Please accept my sincere apologise if I have said something which is disrespectful. Please Allah forgive us all,and guide us.

Jazakallah,

- tired