Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to change my bad character and stop backbiting

bitching, slandering, spreading rumours, gossip

do not spy nor backbite others. Does one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?

I am a reverted Muslim. I fst and pray five times a day, Believe strongly in Allah. But I have a bad habit of talking at other's back which may sometimes lead me to trouble.

Actually I find myself to be very clear hearted and I am not able to bear falsehood or politics due to which I burst out wherever I face such things generally in the absence of the culprit.

I want to be silent and professional because such a thing is not only spoiling my Imaan but also my peace of mind and may harm my professional life. I am an Engineer by profession.


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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam Shaaz,

    It is always difficult to break any habit, yet it is worth the effort. It will take some struggling and some re-training but it is definietly worth it. First of all be aware that the sins of the tongue such as backbiting and lying are major sins.

    Also when we commit a sin against Allah that sin is only between us and Allah. But when we slander/backbite about someone not only are we accountable to Allah swt but we are also accountable to the person we slandered. So for every slanderous deed you are effectively paying compensation of some of your good deeds to that person. If you think about it that way, it should seem less attractive InshaAllah.

    Also think very carefully before you speak. Ask yourself, is what I am about to say of value. Will it be pleasing to Allah or displeasing. If someone said such a thing about me would I be happy, or sad etc. It is also a good idea to avoid talking about any other person who is not in your presence, even if it's good. This will help protect you against slandering someone while you are in the more difficult early stages of change InshaAllah.
    Its a very complex topic so I have attached some links, but if I do find other good ones I will InshaAllah post them on here.

    Also take some time to reflect. If you do not pray, please do start praying (always start with fardh only if you're new to praying.) If you already pray work on strengthening the quality. Learn the meaning of what you say if you dont understand the Arabic. Reflect and ponder on the greatness of Allah swt. All of this should make you spiritually strong InshaALlah and make it easier for you. Fasting is also amazing for increasing taqwa and if you fast regaulrly - at least once a week if you can giving up bad habits is so much easier!

    Also turn to Allah swt and repent for backbiting and other sins you may have committed knowingly and unknowingly. Give sadaqah if you can and ask Allah swt to save you from this sin (make lots of dua).
    Sara Editor.

  2. Salam Shaaz,

    I think the mere fact that you recognize that you have a problem is the first step forward in doing something about it. Just keep reminding yourself how much better a person you will be if you do not back bite. Back biting is ugly and I think as humans, we are all guilty of it every now and then even though we know it is wrong. Back biting is destructive and a major sin. Just think of how much better you will feel when what comes out of your mouth is constructive versus destructive. Kudos to you for trying to be a better person. I think we all could strive to become better people in all aspects of our lives.


  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    The advice given is very good and I would like to add that if you are gossiping around particular people, you may need to reconsider socializing with these people any longer. Our friends, relatives and acquaintances all have an effect on us and so, if any of them are having a bad influence on our behavior, then we need to reassess that relationship. When it comes to these people and backbiting begins as a common sin that you indulge in, it's easy to stop and say, "You know what? We shouldn't be gossiping. Instead, we need to help each other be better. If I took all the time I was saying something bad and instead focused on doing something good, then we'd all be better off, right?"

    So in this case, please enjoin the good per Qur'anic instruction. If you happen to backbite, then say out loud, "You know, I shouldn't have said that. God forgive me." Lower your head, feel remorse and encourage others to feel the same way when it comes to this sin. In the future, when you have seen the people you have backbit, then go to them and say, "You know, if there was anything I ever did to disappoint you, then please forgive me." However, it's important that you do NOT reveal your sin if they have no idea it happened. If they do know about it, and this should be apparent without you asking, then please apologize and ask them for forgiveness. This is the correct struggle of destroying the inflated ego within ourselves and following the light of Islam.

    Another thing to consider is, "why" are you backbiting? Is it out of envy, jealousy or because you covet what another possesses? Do you see the same bad qualities in yourself and project it on others? Is it that you gossip to feel better about yourself?

    So, perhaps this is a self esteem issue, as well. Examine yourself in this perspective and your sin will stop and Insha'allah, you will abstain from it in the future.

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