Islamic marriage advice and family advice

When to know to stop praying for reconciliation?

Move ahead with what Allah has Destined for you

Move ahead with what Allah has Destined for you

As Salamu Haleykum brothers and sisters,

I have a question I so need advice on.
If I have been praying for something for years, if the situation doesn't change at all, or rather looks like it is not likely to change, at one point am I supposed to not keep praying for it?

Precisely here, I have been divorced with a man (revocable divorce). I have done so many efforts in order to move on, but my heart is still with him and we have a child together. However, I keep praying but he hasn't shown an interest in getting back together (well he did at the beginning, and now not anymore). The situation is hard on me. I can't seem to move on and keep praying for us to get back together. The problem is the more I keep praying for us to get back together, the harder it is for me to turn the page and maybe start a new life with someone else (which I don't really feel like right now).

Is istikharaa an option in my case?



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34 Responses »

  1. assalamalaikum BELIEF IN DIVINE DECREE IS THE OPTION IN YOUR CASE DEAR-Leyla 83 i think you are the same person waiting for yr husband to return and it has not happened till now-
    i rememeber requesting you to join my Page to see if any options is there if Allah wills will happen-
    your case is very easy to understand you have to believe in QADR THEN YOU WILL BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR PRAYERS THAT ALLAH WANTS SOMETHING WHICH IS GOOD FOR YOU-


    The Belief in Divine Decree.....One fundamental belief in Islam is that of divine decree, which if you want you can also call pre-destiny. It is the belief that all things have already been decreed beforehand, before Allah created us, and that it has all already been written down and recorded.

    The evidence for divine decree is found throughout the Quran and hadiths, hence any Muslim who does not believe in divine decree is not even a Muslim.
    Book 001, Number 0001:
    It is narrated on the authority of Yahya b. Ya’mur that the first man who discussed about Qadr (Divine Decree) in Basra was Ma’bad al-Juhani. I along with Humaid b. ‘Abdur-Rahman Himyari set out for prilgrimage or for ‘Umrah and said: Should it so happen that we come into contact with one of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) we shall ask him a bout what is talked about Taqdir (Division Decree). Accidentally we came across Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab, while he was entering the mosque. My companion and I surrounded him. One of us (stood) on his right and the other stood on his left. I expected that my companion would authorize me to speak. I therefore said: Abu Abdur Rahman! there have appeared some people in our land who recite the Holy Qur’an and pursue knowledge. And then after talking about their affairs, added: They (such people) claim that there is no such thing as Divine Decree and events are not predestined. He (Abdullah ibn Umar) said: When you happen to meet such people tell them that I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me.

    And verily they are in no way responsible for my (belief). Abdullah ibn Umar swore by Him (the Lord) (and said): If any one of them (who does not believe in the Divine Decree) had with him gold equal to the bulk of (the mountain) Uhud and then, it (in the way of Allah), Allah would not accept it unless he affirmed his faith in Divine Decree.

  2. Salaams,

    I tend to believe that what people think or focus on comes out subtley in their actions. Sometimes people are avoidant of others who seem to be hanging on to them. They take it as though the person has no life outside of them and need them to be complete. Most people like to unite themselves with others who are emotionally independent and not overly needy on their significant other.

    If you've been pining for reconciliation for this long, chances are it's showing up in the way you relate with him (assuming you do interact as needed for your child), and that could be driving him farther away from the idea of trying again with you. The very thing you're wanting could be the very thing that's preventing it from happening.

    You can make istikhara if you like, and you can make dua every day to be reunited if you like. But I suggest in the practical day-to-day aspect of living life, you genuinely move on. There are a couple benefits for this:

    1. If he never ends up wanting to get back with you, you will have developed your own interests and fulfillments and will stop feeling like you are "stuck" on him.

    2. If he does take notice of you after you are no longer trying to cling to him, it may make him respect you more and want to try again. It may even lead to a better marriage because you will be more of a whole person and not emotionally dependent on him to be truly happy and satisfied.

    Even though it isn't foolproof, I've heard a lot of people say their ex's wanted to get back together again after they had truly moved on. But the trick is you have to do it with the intention of really moving on, not with the idea of winning him back. That won't work, because your hidden desire will still stay in the background and be detected.

    You don't have to move on to someone else until you want to. Some people feel like they can't be alone and want to be with someone as soon as they are divorced, but the fact that you don't is a plus. Use the time to invest in yourself and your child and get to know who both of you are. Enjoy your time together, because if you eventually do reunite with your ex or move on with someone else down the road, you won't get this opportunity with your child again.

    -Amy Editor

  3. This is a lovely quote I found the other day:
    “As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better. You must convince your heart that whatever Allah has decreed is most appropriate and most beneficial to you. “~ Imam al- Ghazali

    Usually when you keep praying for something -- whether it is an event or a person -- you remain tied to that something, in your heart and your mind. This means that all other outcomes will be unsatisfactory to you.

    Deep down, I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong with continuing to pray for something. When it comes to dua, the sky's the limit. But you must strike a balance -- making dua and being content with the decree from Allah. Perhaps, this man's absence from your world is Allah's sign to you that he is not coming back. I know that hurts, but it is the situation before you. You can't do anything about it. Most of the time, if a man wants to reconcile, he will let you know. It seems like that chapter is now closed. As long as you keep hoping and wishing and praying for it, you will believe that it is possible. I'm not sure if that is healthy.

    Istikhara is not helpful in this situation. Try Salaat-ul-Haja or the night prayer. These prayers may give you peace. They may help you accept Allah's decision. Remember, as well, that if this man does not want to return to you, he is not going to -- regardless of your dua. You cannot use dua to force the agency of others.

    If you do choose to continue praying for reconciliation, then limit your yearnings to those moments when you are in dua at salaat time. At all other times of the day, focus on other things. Perhaps, also try looking for someone else? Keep your heart open. Or start envisioning a life without a spouse, and make a plan for how you will live that life (I'm not sure how old you are and whether it is reasonable to expect marriage again). Maybe you would like to try a new hobby, take some courses, change jobs, -- the possibilities are endless.

    But if you spend all your time thinking and hoping for reconciliation, then you will remain stuck where you are. If reconciliation never happens, you will remain emotionally devastated. What will happen if you learn he has married again, or has another child? You need to be in an emotionally healthy place when and if that happens.

    • very well answered precious star. i couldnt add anything else. move onmy sister and hand yourself to Allah, He will look after you. stop praying for your ex. the moment you start asking - how long - that means you are starting to move on.

    • This was very beautifully said. May Allah bless you abundantly.

    • Well Said! At least it helped me balance my inner disequilibrium.

  4. I think that the best thing to do is stop praying for your ex. You said you have been doing this for years so that means you have been suffering for years. It is time to end the suffering right now by changing your dua. Instead of praying for him to come back, pray to Allah to give you someone better. He has made up his mind not to be with you anymore and as sad as it may seem and as hard as it may be to accept it you just have to force yourself to move on. How would you like it if you did not want to be with someone but that person is suffering to be with you? You would want them to move on also.

    Most of us (if not all of us) at some point in our lives suffer this kind of loss. The pain is very difficult to handle but the only thing we can do is to understand that this is Allah's decree. We have no control over this and what belongs to Allah can always be taken away back to Him. Once you have full faith in this and accept it, it will be the first step in moving on with your life. It may not be easy but it takes patience. The healing process will start soon afterwards.

    Think about the previous experiences you had before with love (if you did love before) how did you get over them? If he is your first love then just know that the human being can love more than once which is why many people have not married their first love but found their spouses later on in their lives and many people remarry after a divorce. You will get over it because love is an emotion and all emotions fade. In order for the emotion to stay strong you have to keep feeding it, in your case you are feeding it with thoughts, memories and duas for him. You need to stop doing this and start feeding your love for Allah instead. Once your attention is shifted towards something else, you will not feel as strongly as you did for the other love. Lose the attachment to what is temporary and place it on the One who is Eternal (Allah).

    I seen with my own eyes people falling in and out of love and so don't worry. If you are looking for real true genuine love that will "last forever" as they say, you will have to do whatever you can to reach Jannah because that is the only place where this type of love exists. This may be a tough pill to swallow but this is the truth and if you look at how many divorces are happening in this world you will know that you are not alone but people move on and they find better by Allah's will. InshAllah you will too.

  5. Salam frieends and ALI YOUSUFF,

    Just a quick update.
    I did many istikharas and prayers to get back together, so many wazifas, fasting, qiyyama layl.
    My LORD has decided otherwise. My ex moved on, doesn't want to get back together and is filing for civil divorce this week.

    I can just say I am very disheartened and very sad. Maybe some people are doomed for unhappiness and heartbreak, and I think I am one of those. I thought dua could change qadr. My pain that is so great doesn't seem to have any meaning...
    For the last 3 years (during my pregnancy) up to now, pain and heartbreak have been present the whole times. People can say others have it much worse, terminal illnesses and all, I agree but my pain and my emotional trauma are my ordeal. This is so sad.

    I have done duas for depression, istikhara to move on emotionally and mentally. I don't have much money, but I made sacrifices to pay for a counselor. I take pills, but nothing.

    I raise a little boy alone. We are together alone since he is 4 months. I wish I could understand all this that has happened to me, You marry someone you love, only problems, vaginismus (which is a trial that just came on me), my husband rejecting me like he never knew me. I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am so skinny, a lot of weight loss and sleepless nights for the last 3 years. I have been tried. And I am not sure I can't take it anymore. My husband is running after his first ex-wife who cheated on him and treated him so bad. I came after their divorce in his life younger, inexperienced and got with him because I thought he would be kind to me as he is religious.

    I am so ashamed in front of my community who sees ma as a woman whose husband didn't love. People look at me with pity, struggling with my sons, while I had so many proposals for marriage, and apparently went for the wrong one...

    YA ALLAH, I don't have any strength anymore 🙁

  6. big hugs sis.

    it hurts a lot when a loved one moves on leaving you to deal with the pain or shall i say suffer in pain.

    inshallah, this finalisation of your divorce will help bring a closure to your have to fall really low to actually become fearless.

    may Allah be with you.

    I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am so skinny, a lot of weight loss and sleepless nights for the last 3 years. I have been tried. And I am not sure I can't take it anymore.
    The Amazing Patience of the Prophet Ayub (Job)Ibn Kathîr-
    Allah the Almighty praiseThe Amazing Patience of the Prophet Ayub(Job) His worshipper Ayub in His Glorious Quran:
    "Truly! We found him patient. How excellent a slave! Verily, he was ever oft-returning in repentance to Us" Quran 38:44
    The Prophet Ayub Displays Patience

    The Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) was a pattern of humility and faith in Allah. He was very patient. He suffered from a number of calamities but did not utter a single word of complaint. One day his big farm was attacked by the thieves. They killed many of his servants and carried away forcibly all his cattle. The Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) did not feel sorry at this loss and thanked Allah.

    After some time the roof of the house fell down and many members of his family were crushed. The Prophet Ayyub (peace be upon him) was much shocked but he held fast to his faith in Allah. He neither shed a tear nor heaved a sigh. He prostrated before the Almighty. He remarked that possessions and children were the gifts from Allah. If He had taken His things, it was useless to lament over their loss.


    Above all, his false friends attributed his calamities to his sins. They ridiculed and looked down upon him. All the persons deserted him with the exception of his faithful wife, Rahima. SHE ALSO GREW TIRED OF HIM IN THE LONG RUN AND PREYED FOR HIS DEATH........SHE CURSED HER GUSBAND FOR RETAINING INTEGRITY IN ALLAH When Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) was in an extremely pathetic condition he prayed:
    "Truly adversity has afflicted me and You are Most Merciful of all who show mercy." (Surah 21: Verse 83)Allah accepted his prayer. The Holy Quran affirms:
    "Then We heard his prayer and removed that adversity from which he suffered, and We gave him his household and the like thereof along with them, a mercy from Our store and remembrance for the worshippers." (Surah 21: Verse 84)
    The Prophet Ayub Recovers and Prospers
    Allah turned to him with mercy. He was commanded to strike the earth with his foot. He complied with the order and water from the spring gushed forth. He took a bath with the water and got cured from his evil disease. After this he was restored to prosperity. The Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) knelt and prayed expressing a deep sense of gratitude to Allah. He never forgot His favours, mercy and love.

    The Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) was one of the celebrated Prophets. His example illustrates: that those who remain patient under the stress of all circumstances, are never deprived of high rewards. The Holy Quran affirms:

    "And surely we try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and crops, but give glad-tidings to the steadfast, who when a misfortune befalls them, say lo! we are Allah's (possession of Allah) and to Him shall we surely return. · Such are they on whom are blessings from their Lord, and mercy. Such are the rightly-guided." (Surah 2 : Verse 155-157)

  8. Thank you brother Ali Yousuff,

    I am in tears myself reading your answer.
    Please pray for me for my heart to have sabr and heal from this.
    I will like the Facebook page Incha ALLAH.
    I just pray for the emotions to calm down.
    ALLAH knows I have tried very hard to move on and recover.

    Thank you also to you friend for the hugs and the prayer.

    Jazakumullahou ala hayr

    • Leyla83
      I think I read your post. Although its not new but its quite sad that your wounds are as fresh as new. I would like to talk to you But I have to leave for my domestic chores for now.. Plz control yourself do not lose yourself to depression. Your depression is hurting me. will do a bit of homework on your physical problem first before we meet on your post in sha Allah. since your physical problem is beyond my knowledge for now (I know little about it, very little ). will also read the entire thread of your posts to understand your situation better.
      Take care.
      you are in my prayers.


  9. Thank you so much dear Apple. I appreciate it and thank you for the prayers. My first post here was a year and half ago

    • how are you now? i know your post is quite old. hope you have recovered from this heartbreak and your boy is doing well

      • Thank you for checking on us FriendG. I am still hanging in here and raising my boy quietly. I still have my moments of sadness, but I am grateful that my son and I are healthy and I have faith. He is now 4, I haven't remarried but I try to give him a good family life. Keep us in your duas. May ALLAH reward you.

  10. Salaams my brothers and sisters.

    Thank you so much for this has made me realize that my situation is not unique.

    I am a 32 year old man who lives in South Africa , whilst my wife lives in the UK. I know this May seem odd but the fact is it was meant to be a temporary arrangement as the uK border agency required that I wait in my homeland until the UK visa is approved.

    In this time my wife has become very distant and slowly but surely she has admitted to loosing feelings for me
    This has spurred great concern about self confidence and self respect. I started praying more and embarked on a physical training metamorphosis (I was over weight and now I am lean and fit)

    My greatest worry is that she may have found someone else. I never stop thinking about her and the truth is that I am more messed up because she rejected me . I have been asking Allah to unite us, to change whatever is in me that she despises and to grant me another chance. This is both of our second marriage and for the moment (2months) we have no communication(as she blocked me!)and no way for me to get her back except duaa

    I feel at times like I am really begging and asking for something I might never get back.....

    • Lelya r u How things work out for u

      • Th same my situatation.I no no whethe. Not happen due to not ment to or . Have be patient. This situation make.ppl depressed and hate the feelin. How life work out for u now.hope u well

        • Assalamualeikum Lindsay,

          I just saw your comment only today. So sorry.
          Well, sister, I am feeling sad today, that is why I am here re-reading all of these advice I received more than 2 years ago. I have tried to move on, getting a job, raising my child, but I am still very sad and it's difficult to move emotionally. As recently as this past Ramadan, I have prayed to be reunited with my son's dad, but it is very unlikely. Now, I am praying to get married soon, but I haven't met any potential husband. Please don't forget me in your prayers. May ALLAH give us sabr and help us. Amine.

  11. Salam Leyla,

    Your story has brought tears to my eyes. I pray you find peace soon. You don't know how strong you are. Not that I am going through anything like you are, but I am also going through some heartache. It is difficult for me and I would love to talk with you. If you ever want to e-mail each other privately. Please feel free.


    • I'm sorry, we do not allow posting private contact info.


    • Thank you so much sister Zee. May ALLAH reward you for these kind words. May ALLAH give you strength in your heartache. In my country, a young beautiful mother of 2 daughters just got killed by her husband, who then committed suicide. This is just to show us that trials are everywhere and touch everyone. May ALLAH give us happiness and strength.
      Maybe you should consider your rules brother Wael as far as two sisters meeting on this platform and helping out each other for SabillALLAH.

      • Thank you for your prayers Leyla. That means so much to me! And how tragic to hear of that story. It really puts things in perspective.

        Yes, Wael please consider allowing us sisters to contact each other.

      • I continue to pray for you sister Leyla. InshAllah you are finding peaceful moments throughout your days. Stay strong sister.

        • JAzakiALLAH sister Zee. May ALLAH reward you greatly sis and give you happiness in this world and the hereafter. Duas mean the world to me and thank you for keeping me in yours. Pray for me to have a good husband sincere and pious. Amine YA Rabb. Big hugs sis

          • Ameen! I wish so much we could email each other. InshAllah you are doing well. Sister Leyla I recommended reading Yasmin Mogahed book "Reclaim Your Heart." It is wonderful and has been helping me.

      • Asalam alaikom sister, I have read your ordeal and I really feel for you. I have a 4 month old daughter and my husband and I have been separated since she was 6 weeks old. He says ge has now filed for civil divorce. I'm also making dua that he has a change of heart and Allah makes us both strong to raise our daughter together. I will also make dua for you sister. May Allah make things easy for you.

        • Salam alekum, I am in a similar situation and came across this thread trying to look for some kind of direction or advice. My problem is different because I have two teenage daughters and I am going through this because I'm married to someone who is extremely short tempered. I need a lot of prayers and therefore I request all of you to please remember me in your Duas.
          I shall be eternally grateful to all of you. JazakAllah.

  12. Salamz
    You know I am a man and I tried my best to stop my wife from taking divorce. I tried every single thing I could. I spoke with her father, with the ambassador. They all told me that she just wants divorce. There was nothing I could do so I stopped asking people. Now I only pray to Allah Almighty and if he wishes he can stop this divorce. Even if she had wanted my life to stop this divorce I would have given it to her.
    I could do so many things to harm her financially but my parents told me we will not do anything.
    Can you believe that my brother is her boss and my parents have told him not to take any revenge against her. There are so many things I can do against her but I will let Allah punish her.


  13. Dear Leyla83,

    I am going through right now what you have gone through. A marriage which ended within a few months..I have given my story before but I never came husband is cheating on me and refuses to register our nikkah in state and says that if I love him I should stay with him as his girlfriend for 4 years and then he will see if he wishes to register the nikkah and if not we will simply part ways..I am 31 and I find this unfair..I have loves him deeply and am going through this feeling that I'll never be able to love again.. we wrote no haq mehr but he adamant about not registering the nikkah..this has made me file for a khula I don't want..I too am/was his second wife and this woman he is in an affair with I have just discovered was the reason for his previous divorce and she too is a married woman..they have been having an affair since 11 years and I think it is a physical family and friends advised a own practical thought advises a khula but my heart is stuck with him and prays day and night that he return to me..he is 42 and my life has been a constant struggle since childhood I have had epilepsy and right after my marriage my father died and within one month of his death this situation has arisen..internally I am praying he doesn't sign the divorce papers but I think I am fooling myself by wanting to stay with him and begging Allah to send him back.

    • May ALLAH bless you sister and give you ease. Life is nothing but a trial, it gets so hard at times. I am saddened by your situation, but keep going sister. ALLAH is with us.

  14. To Leyla and all others needing advice. I have seen many of these situations personally happen to many people where I am throughout the years. It's not right and fair for the kids when the parents do not try evrythng to work it out, They need both mother and father. So must try everything to work it out but if he is not willing to even try or being ignorant and a long time has passed and he is still the same then it means allah has other plans for you. Yes I understand as a woman it's hard to remarry when u have a kid. But there mite be a good hearted man that will accept a woman w kids so my advice is to keep looking for someone else and not waste ur precious years of your life. The number one thing Leyla and other mothers need to think about is the poor kid so you should be focusing on making the kids life happy and be proud of urself for raising him and not bailing out like most of these loser fathers do. You don't need a loser men as a father to your kids anywys. You need a pious family men and believe me there are some. Focus on taking care of your kid and looking activelyyy for another men, u tried evrythng so clearly it means allah doesn't want this for you. As far as feelings, it will fade especially when u move on finding another person to be a good father for your kid. Once your with someone else, you will be fine. And even if you don't find him yet, it's ok enjoy ur life for now. Time will heal evrythng and allah will fix things as pre destined. Hope that helps.

    • Thank you so much ukhti Sara,it really helps. This sad story happened when my son was 4 months old. Now he is 6 years and I am still raising him alone, not easy and sad at times, but I am praying to remarry one day... Don't forget us in your duas.

      • As salam wa lekum. I am really moved reading through the post and comments. I pray and hope you are fine and things get better. I myself am in a similar situation. Through the entire of 2016 i was in depression due to some personal problems. Had a girlfriend who i loved dearly and planned to marry soon. Due to the depression phase, i got insecure and thought she was cheating on me and lots other things. I ended up isolating myself for the entire year. She was the only one who i used to talk to. And when i thought she was cheating on me, i got angry and physically hurt her. When i came to my senses guilt flooded me. I apologized. And she forgave me. But then it happened again and again every few months. But she loved me so much she took it. For an entire year. She also slipped into depression. The last time it happened, she gave up. She couldn't take me anymore and decided to move on, which i believe was the right thing to do. After the breakup i met a psychiatrist, who explained that i had developed impulsive rage from being depressed. Its been another year now, i have been working on myself and am quite emotionally stable. I prayed for reconciliation throughout the year and will continue to do so during my prayers. I wish i could take back everything i did. I wish i had done better. I wish i hadn't hurt the person i loved so much and who loved me back much more than i deserved. Hopefully she's happy wherever she is. I love her so much. If anyone does read this. Please make dua for the both of us, it'll only take a few seconds.
        Take care leyla. I hope and pray the best for you.

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