Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stress is eating me from inside, how do I handle this?

Anxiety, anxious, worried.

Anxiety's vicious circle.

Hello everyone,

So I've recently enrolled into a prestigious university, and elhamdulilla, my parents couldn't be more proud. I was glad everything was going well, I never used to be so religious, but I found the feeling religion gave me was appealing, the tranquility & the strength & it somehow relieves me from all my anguish.

I tried to convince myself several times to begin to pray but it was to no avail, I initially was so swamped in studies that I didn't even have time to properly nourish myself. Being enrolled into a North American community university, I can't exactly go out with the majority of people here on weekends, because it always winds up being a bar, a pub, a club, or even a house party.

I am not particularly fond of alcohol, the smell is revolting. I went few times for the 'university experience', but I wound up just taking care of few friends, and my day went from being hopeful to always covered in alcohol.

In one of those parties, my friend got drugged and I tried my best to carry her home but she was too heavy and the man that put her in that state just walked off when I tried to confront him. I tried to carry her home, and this boy decided to help me, last thing I know while placing her in her room, the boy violently starts touching me.

I knew he had alcohol on his breath so I did not want to further tempt any violence so I laughed and moved his hand away slowly trying to slowly get out of the room into the hallway. Basically, I was dragged into a situation of sexual assault without my consent.

I've kept this quiet and ever since it happened, I stopped going out. I did not want to associate with anyone here. I've been crying countless of days just from stress from my family, studies, and from having no friends at all that can spend time with me and understand me. I felt alone, and until now I feel alone.

Except only difference, is after a year passed, I found myself knowing slightly more people. I confronted that boy and I told him to never approach me again. My parents believe i'm having fun, and im not depressed, to be truly honest all I want to do is avoid disappointing them. I want to live up to their expectations that I can be an independent strong woman.

I began praying after a year since that incident. I've been committing to it. I've been trying to steadily socialize with people, yet inside I'd still feel constantly paranoid, constant thoughts of suicide that I believe in my opinion is the perfect solution. I don't want to go on living a life were I am lying, were I am constantly trying to help others and not disappoint others and yet somehow although i try to do good I get bad.

I just feel so much negative is happenning around me that I have no time to catch my breath and say elhamdulilla. I just try to pray, and while praying I find myself just crying. I don't want to study engineering, but im doing it for my parents' sake. I don't want to be in this university or this community, I would rather be in a middle eastern community and feel at home in a less reputable university.

I don't want to feel lonely and have this constant feeling of depression. I honestly don't know what to do. I am trying to be patient and hopeful, my grades are slipping from the stress and depression. I don't know what to do... I feel so paranoid .

- nb

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

21 Responses »

  1. I think you are living far away from your parents. correct me if I am wrong. If you are living far away from them, then..

    My sister in Islam how are you living without a mahram in a strange place exposing yourself to so many dangers.

    My advice to you is to pack your bags and go back to your parents. Save yourself.

    Studying in a university where there is free mixing you are just exposing yourself to many dangers.

    Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked:

    Is it permissible for a man to study in a mixed university where men and women mix in one classroom, knowing that the student has a role to play in calling people to Allaah?

    He replied:

    What I think is that it is not permissible for anyone, man or woman, to study in a mixed school, because of the grave danger that it poses to his chastity, integrity and morals. No matter how great a person’s integrity, morals and innocence, if a woman is sitting beside him on the seat – especially if she is beautiful and unveiled – he can hardly avoid fitnah and evil. Everything that leads to fitnah and evil is also haraam and is not permitted. We ask Allaah to keep our Muslim brothers safe from such things which will only bring evil, fitnah and corruption to their youth. If there is no other university apart from this one, he should go and study in another city or country where this mixing does not happen. I do not think that this is permissible but others may have a different opinion.

    Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/103

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Leave the company of those bad friends that you have.

      Prophet Muhammed (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) urged us to make good choices of friends and choose those who are religiously committed and of good character, because a person will be influenced by his friend and will imitate him. And the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “A man will follow the religion of his close friend, so let each of you look to who he takes a close friend.”
      Narrated by Ahmad. 7968
      a person will follow the habits, way and behaviour of his friend, so let him think long and hard about who he takes as a friend; if someone's religious commitment and character are good, then take him as a friend, otherwise avoid him, because the behaviour of your friends will influence you and the company you keep has an impact, be it positive or negative
      and read these hadiths on suicide..

      Prophet Muhammed (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be in the Fire of Hell, throwing himself down therein for ever and ever. Whoever takes poison and kills himself, his poison will be in his hand and he will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron, that piece of iron will be in his hand and he will be stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell, for ever and ever.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5442; Muslim, 109.

      Prophet Muhammed (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever kills himself with something in this world will be punished with it on the Day of Resurrection.”
      Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5700; Muslim, 110.

      Prophet Muhammed (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Among those who came before you there was a man who was wounded and he panicked, so he took a knife and cut his hand with it, and the blood did not stop flowing until he died. Allaah said: ‘My slave hastened to bring about his demise; I have forbidden Paradise to him.”
      Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3276; Muslim, 113.

      Again my advice to you is the same, pack your bags and go back to your parents. Save yourself from the danger.
      Learn more about Islam from authentic sources and become religiously committed.
      Below is a link for you to learn more about Islam inshaAllah .
      [replace (dot) by . in the above link and paste and search in your browser]

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

      • If it's really haram to study at University (and I don't believe it islamically is) then all of us who live in the West are not supposed to get an education? That makes absolutely no sense. Where I live there is literally NO sex segregated schools or Universities if one is to follow your logics, all the many Muslims who live in this country would have to drop out of school at the age of 11-13. we also would not be able to have jobs, because every work place in this country is not sex segregated.

        • " (and I don't believe it islamically is)"

          Islamically, it is Haraam. It is called Ikhtilaat (free mixing of sexes) which is haraam. Sadly, it is not avoidable today. So one should only go to these places if that is the only thing in choices.

          Alhamdulillah, many countries have segregated schools, colleges and work places. If anyone can make it there, there is nothing better than that.

          In sha Allah, soon, the World will understand and this will be available even in the west and rest of the world. It is a hope from Allah Izza wa Jal.

          Abu Abdul Bari

        • ask a knowledgeable scholar.

          a scholar will look into the matter, consider the pros and cons and tell you what to do inshaAllah.

          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  2. Bro I feel they same way, feel like jumping out the window sometimes it driving me crazy it so depressing. You need to keep in contact with people. I'm from uk studying at university too would you like to chin wag sometime I could with some company and I would like to meet new people. That sounds a bit corny lol. Let me know

  3. Assalaamualaikam sister

    I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. It's a sad indictment of the world today that more and more women suffer such ordeals. I pray that you can find comfort and peace in Islam and move on from this. It might help to chat with a counselor about your experiences - this could be done either through your university or local Islamic resources.

    It sounds like some of the people you have been mixing with have not been of the best character if they are going out getting drunk and having raucous parties. It's important to ensure that the people around you have a positive influence, and there are plenty of ways to let off steam and have fun that don't lead to intoxication and feeling ill (or worse) in the morning. Most universities and colleges will have an Islamic students' society, and these can be good places to meet people who might be suitable study-mates, flat-mates and friends - socialising is far more likely to adhere to proper guidelines as well. If your university doesn't have one, why not set one up?

    Your university is also likely to have a mosque or community centre nearby, which you could access to increase your knowledge of Islam and inshaAllah make positive connections with your sisters.

    Living and studying in a mixed environment can be a cause of great temptation, and this can start very subtly and grow to be very destructive. Try to ensure that your own actions are as appropriate as possible, and look to the examples set to us by women in Islamic history. For example, ensure you avoid nonessential interactions with non-mahram men, socialise in all-female company wherever possible, try to form all-female study groups... There are extra challenges for people who study or work in fields which are traditionally dominated by the opposite gender (such as yourself in engineering), but these challenges are not insurmountable; they just necessitate a bit more thought.

    Ultimately, though, you seem very unhappy and lonely. If you don't want to study your current course or be at your current university (which is very understandable given what has happened), you do not have to. I would hope that your parents would rather you were happy. Why not look at alternative courses at female-only institutions, and discuss these with your parents? There are many female-only colleges and universities, and quite a few of these are extremely well-regarded internationally.

    Please remember that your brothers and sisters in Islam all wish you the best in life, and that with Allah's love we can survive any trial. Suicide is never the answer to our problems. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call out to Allah for help, pray, read Quran, and ask a friend or doctor for help.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Assalam u alaikum wr wb....

    Sister try talking with your parents....

    It's not really safe for you, and your health.

  5. Sister as a Muslim brother in the States I agree too, you will DEFINITELY feel the lack of conformity and loneliness in part of your life... it is so we can appreciate things down the road. And take comfort in the fact there are others people around you who are dealing with the same thing. This was a really big feeling of loneliness after college. Once I came to this realization and went to the iftaar in the city close to mine, I found other young Muslim professionals. It forced me to network and break out of my social shell.

    I actually had Muslims friends, who unlike my abusive father, pushed me closer to my deen and made ME a better MUSLIM in college when I had the intention to, sad to say, leave al-Islam, at least in actions. So try to make the best of a community wherever you are. Not all non-Muslims drink either. Some of my Jewish and Hindu and Sikh friends were good company during college and respected my religion and I learned a lot about there's and I learned how so many of our challenges were alike.

    About the rape. You did not understandanbly go into detail with it, but how LONG ago did this occur? Were there any witnesses? This seems really painful, but I wonder if pursuing this matter would be a complete waste of time. I'm sorry this happened to truth is if it's been years since this happened it would boil down to he-said/she-said matter and a good defence lawyer for the accused could grill you or any witnesses. There are also considerations of privacy that might vary from state to state/city to city that you should look into (ie would your name be in public records for this case, do you want that)? I personallly no matter if charges were filed or not would file a report. You would have to go in person but if this person ever sexually assaults someone again there would be a history of it.

    Moreover, there would be no physical evidence to support an accusation of rape, such as bodily fluids, if it occured long enough ago the date rape drug. I hate to say this but, it's doubtful the police would even believe you and act .

    One of the first questions they would ask is why you waited so long to report it. Be honest and let them know your cultural/religious uprbinging never allowed you that environment and it was confusing and intimdating. Consult a lawyer or a law student if you can. This is a complex matter and accusing someone you need to have solid evidence. I would say prepare and expect not a lot about such a situation. A recent story about police intimidating and refuting a girl who was drugged and raped by up and coming high school football players brought some outrage and should tell you the we don't have to go to the third world to see how poorly women are treated.

    This is the second story of a date rape on this website and extremely unnerving. I am not one to say and it feels wrong, and I am NOT saying it is the OP fault, but we must be wary of such environments for these reasons and be sure to educate your children one the consequences of not acting soon enough if such a thing does OCCUR. It could be very traumatic. I am just being frank here but I smoked a good bit of marijuana and drank a good bit my first 1.5 years in college. Trust me. Nothing special about it. At all. In fact as someone whose pretty into fitness I could tell you alcohol sucks. Not only does it taste terrible, is addictive (abruptly stopping alcoholic intake for an alcoholic involves a very common symptom of seizures), very acidic, , it will make you fat. Alcohol is a liquid and has more calories per gram than protein or carbohydrates and is less satiating than both. Mentally, people take it to 'loosen' their inhibitions and 'chill' from their problems, which is just another way of not confronting those problems directly and sooner. There is wisdom in abstinence. Not even amongst my successful non-Muslim colleagues no matter their background do I see a high rate of alcohol consumption

    Lastly about your major. Let me tell you the GPA hit I took, and you will take pursuing something you're not good at or don't want to do will stay with you for the rest of your life. If you are in your first two years of undergrad drop it immediately. My PakAfghan parents weren't too happy about me not being pre-med and were in denial, but I dropped it and my GPA and opportunities skyrocketed once I pursued what I was passionate with.

    And sister! Look forward to life. There is so much you can do once you love what you are doing. Look at this webstie for instance. We could use Muslim(a) counselors. Here in America the marital rape rate is around 33% and was exempt from law in ALL US STATES until 1976. You're help and counsel for such people, no matter what career path you choose, as long as you are passionate about it, would be of great help.

    It really pained me to read your post as a Muslim brother, but the truth is we have to move on. Life can be tough, whatever your decision is make it soon because everything else will follow. This is the foundation of your life. NOW.

  6. Normal Poster um..she did not get raped. Based on how I understood it, guy put his hand on her and she walked out?? I believe from what I 3th and 4th paragraph.

    Sister, Salaam

    How are you?

    I hope you doing better now. Sister look, Please read this carefully what i'm about to write you.

    You came to USA as you said to become "indenpendent women" your parents always wanted to see you. You wanted to see you.
    Why would you throw all of that and money (if so) away just to go back and feel better??

    Um..maybe you will, but most likely you wont! You know why I think this..cuz' you came from there since you did not like it that much there. Let's be honest, you always wanted to be that "independent women" that people in Palestine/Jordan don't really see around. You got tired of watching that so called "life" women live there. Much of it is really just staying home and satisfying their husbands, not doing anything in this dunya to help themselves! Ever! They're literally trapped in their own box.

    You challenged that, girl! That's why you should be soo proud of yourself with your head up high!
    What's wrong with you talking suicide, are you a "university girl" walking around looking and thinking as most girls at that university are?? Seriously, they're loost and they have no clue how much! I bet on that!

    You can't walk around talking "strong independent women" with suicide thoughts!
    If you are really depressed, they have psychiatrist for that you can go get low dose of depression medicine like 25 mg or so(not alot right?) , it will help trust me! Seratonin will help make you feel positive.But you cannot kill yourself, and throw yourself into destruction. Allah s.w.a says "Do not kill yourselves, truly Allah is Most-Merciful to you," and "do not throw yourselves into destruction." Satan's ultimate goal is completed with you doing that...he got you girl!!

    So stop for the Sake of Allah!!! Do not throw yourself into something you can't handle.

    Speaking of what you can't handle. You can't handle your major! It's too much for you! Honestly, I think you might be very intelligent person, but that does not mean you are most capable of coping mechanism.
    Girl, you are alone in the world of dark streets, lack of people in front of their houses, occupied with dunya souls, you feel left out feel like you don't belong there inside. So your inside is telling you what's wrong.

    But, that does not mean you gotta leave now. You came here & u'r not goin' back until you get your goal right!
    That does not mean you cannot meet nice muslimahs there who can be your shoulder to cry on. I live in North America, Chicago and go to College of you know about COD..what university are you attending?? I'll definitely be your shoulder to cry on . Anytime!

    Please, Please let's find an alternative out of this situation. Your insides are telling you that things are collapsing around you. Pray, Pray to Allah s.w.a he's always taking dua , I promise! He is the Best Helper, the Best Provider. He gives me anything I want, wallah' even thou sometimes I may wait like 2 wks for it thou lol but i't s all good . I just smile n' say "Elhamdullilah", cuz' if world wasn't like this how would I earn my Jannah! From being always dissatisfied?! Not me!

    • Karmela, please don't post your email address here. We do not allow the exchange of private contact information on our website.

      Wael Editor

      • WAEL,
        I have seen posts with emails by women, which you have warned but not deleted. I just want to genuinly get in contact with this person and talk to them.I think you were just judging this based on her situation. Btw I am women, not some brotha who sees her as demsel in distress n' wants to "help" her out his way. I'm sure she's been thru that allready.
        I just think it's unnecessary to delete my email , especially in this sistuation.

        • Sister Karmela Rape is defined as when one person wants and pursues a sexual act on, to or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act.

          It does not have to involve sex or kissing for it to rape. The intention for it to be sexual is enough for it to be considered rape legally and should be thought of as such

        • @Karmela -

          I am a male .

          If you post your e mail address here I can see it and others can also see inshaAllah.

          I hope you do not want me/others to know your e mail address. right ?

          Thank you.

          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  7. I forgot to say, my dua goes towards you right now. I Pray to Allah to put tranquility into your heart this very moment. Amin

    And everybody Please make dua for this sister. Thank you.

  8. Sister handle the situation with the guy that laid his hands on you. I'm sorry that it happened, but I don't know much of your details here to give you the correct help you need.

    Secondly, I'm an American muslima and had many, many struggles at my university. So I understand what your going through. I ame from an unsupportive family whom never gave me a penny for my college education. I had to work two jobs and pay for my tuition, books, food, car insurance and gas. I was wearing hijab as a teen while in college and my parents were my worst enemies. Literally my mom tried to cut each one of my hijab s with scissors. I had no college life, friends or anyone to help me while I was down. Back in the 90s the MSAs were not as strong as they are today. So there you have a glimpse to my college life back then. So along with working, studying and driving several hours a day to and fro work, college and home, I majored in education. I love to work with kids and educate them. However my parents didn't like the fact that I changed majors fom Pre med to education. I didn't want to become a doctor for my parents. I found a major that I excelled at and enjoyed. I also wanted to get married at the time, too. So I prayed intently like never before. Sine I was awake studying in the wee hours at nite, I'd pray qiyam il Layl. I asked Allah with a wet face, to help me marry a righteous brother. I reached out to Allah and begged for His help and His mercy. Alhmdulillah he answered my dua and now I'm enjoying the fruits of my labor. I also use my degree to teach other muslim kids in Islamic schools. So my degree helped me teach other Muslims and teach my own. But I had to find something that would please Allah first. Then my dounya and akhira.

    Talk to Allah about all of your problems. He will help you with all of your problems. But get your degree and work with something you'll love. Don't give up. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Everyday is a new lease on life, so take advantage of it. Once you graduate you'll have no regrets. Just write your goals and pursue them. Get involved in the msa and make friends with other sisters. Also get involved in your local area masjid. See what is lacking in our ummah and maybe you can your studies around that. For ex, we are in need of good muslim family counselor s, media people, teachers, lawyers,etc... If you want To go back to Mid East then you might find a major that will have good opportunities over there for you. Education and nursing are two majors that come to my mind. Also these majors don't take a long time to graduate from. But whatever you do, do everything for the sake of Allah. He'll put the barakah in what ever you study if you put Him first. Make lots of dua and pray with all your heart.


    • Assalamualikum
      what a great response sister Lisa..
      Masha Allah

      • JAK Sister! I hope I helped somewhat. Life is hard for the believer b/c Jannah isn't cheap. We just need to keep our hearts filled with eman and our minds filled with thikr. Always thikr Allah calms our hearts

        As salam alaykoum

    • Subhanallah,

      Thank you for sharing your experience with us sister Lisa. I'm going through somewhat the same situation as you've described in the second paragraph of your post. The detailed remedy you've given in return, has relieved me so much. Thanks a lot sis.

  9. Sister, I know exactly how you feel. I think it's important to remind yourself that you're at Uni to study and that all these part people/students are okay to be friendly towards when you have classes with them, but you don't have to be friends with them and socialize with them. I literally don't talk to anyone at my Uni, even those who are Muslim drink alcohol and have boyfriends so they're not my type of people at all and I stay away from them. You have your family an dyour childhood friends and maybe those are the ones you should spend some more time with so you don't feel alone and depressed.

    As for what has happened to you...I'm so sorry that some disgusting drunk guy touched you...but unfortunately, drunk people do this and what's even worse. It's a shame that young people think that partying and drinking is the definition of a good time...but you have learned the sad way that this is not your scene and that it's not your job to look after your druken female co-students. They're not new to this, they know exactly what partying and drinking involves, yet they choose to still go partying. That's their choice, but it doesn't have to be your's, too.

    Focus on your studies and remain with your family and true friends...

  10. OP: I knew he had alcohol on his breath so I did not want to further tempt any violence so I laughed and moved his hand away slowly trying to slowly get out of the room into the hallway.

    Laughing definitely gave a wrong signal. It can mean try more and you may succeed.

    How has your life changed now?

Leave a Response