Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Very stressed and suicidal over what is the right thing to do .

weep cry depression

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters.

I'm a 22 year old boy. I recently got into a relationship with this girl that i really liked. Around 6 months ago. I wanted to marry her and even informed my sister about her and everything. My family knows the girl since the two families are quite close. In the beginning it was just normal conversation regarding how we would get married. But then later we got really close and attached emotionally. One day, she told me that she got a marriage proposal and I said that it would be best if she forget about me then if her parents have found someone else. But somehow, we could not let go of each other.

It was very heart breaking for me to realise that she was going away. One day when we met, I don't know how this happened but we got physical and sexual. We are both still virgins though. We did not lose our virginity. Alhamdulillah. But after that incident no matter what I try to do, I can not make the guilt go away, no matter how much I regret my actions. I still like the girl you know. In order to set things straight , I even talked to my mom about her so that I can fix what went wrong but by then it was too late since the two families got into a terrible feud and are not on speaking terms. It was just all too much for me to take and I had to be placed on anti depressants and am diagnosed with OCD and a few other disorders. I suspect I have developed Scrupulosity.

Brothers and sisters, I'm so upset with myself. I honestly, truly, wanted to marry her right from the first day we started talking about it. That was my intention. I'm very upset with the way things turned out and no matter how much I tried to fix it . Nothing worked. I spoke to family also but still nothing. It's like I am not able to set right my wrongs. I became depressed and suicidal and there was a point when I resorted to self harm.

Alhamdulillah, after that incident, we have never met each other in solitude and neither have we got into any kind of sexual activity ( except holding hands once for a short while ) . And now she says , it is not at all possible since her family will never agree to it. What should I do brothers and sisters? I can't go back in time and undo those few wretched days when we involved ourselves in sins and shameless behaviour. I regret it all so much now. What do I do brothers and sisters? In my attempts to fix all the wrongs , I have ended up upsetting her also since she thinks that I'm doing it without any consideration for her feelings. I do like her still. But she does not want to marry me anymore. I even convinced my brother , sister and mother. Β πŸ™ .

What do I do now brothers and sisters?? . How do I remove this guilt???. How do I fix all that I broke. ??? What do I do.??? I do not want to leave her side still and if she wants to marry me even now I will do whatever it takes to make it happen INSHAALLAH. But she says she doesnt want it , since there is no hope.

After she said that, I thought the only other way to fix it would be to stop thinking of her in that way and think of her as a muslimah sister. Is that wrong brothers and sisters???Please help me . I'm all alone in a Β new town and I feel suicidal now and then again. Please help.

~yukiyukio

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33 Responses »

  1. Asalamo Alikum wa rahamtullahi wa barkathoo

    Little brother i have understand how u went through and i know how it is SHAITAN is all around us made us do bad things........but let me tell u FORGIVNESS is something ALLAH swt loves from his creations........u dont need to get CONFIRMATION whether ALLAH swt has forgiven u or not......ur task is to do what ALLAH swt has told u to do............PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS.....and inshALLAH u will be forgiven.

    and about SUICIDAL tendencies.......tell me who gave u the right To think about killing ur self........
    well to be honest will u ....i been in to this SUICIDE thing, lol come on i didn't even post on forums for help just like u are asking now,....i been sorrounded by many problems not one family, job , black magic lol u name it everything is in my life, but here the way i am commenting you would think i am a peaceful guy , lol dont judge a book by its cover ok enough about me, let me tell u what i thinked about it,

    ALLAH swt who created me from sperm , made my face in my mothers womb, provided me the rizk in my mothers womb for 9 months, gave me hands legs face and a body, when ALLAH swt send me to this world , ALLAH swt gave me rizk.....he gave me clothes ....he gave me a roof , he gave me eyes sight....he gave me ears in which i can hear....he gave me 2 leg to walk....he gave me a hand...he gave me face...he gave me water when i was thirsty.....................NOW GIVE ME ONE SINGLE REASON.......Y SHOULDNT I LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE TO PRAY ALLAH swt y SHOULDNT, I LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE TO PRAISE MY ALLAH swt, Y SHOULDnt I LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE TO THANK ALLAH swt for everything ALLAH swt gave me.............YES THIS IS WAT CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT SUICIDE.......

    i was being selfish, it was all about me....in this time i forgot that ALLAH swt created me......and only ALLAH swt has the right to take my life...........

    THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE IS HARAM........ITS WAS SHAITAN WANTS IT,
    HOW DARE U THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE............u think u were born for this day where u think about killing urself, have u ever thinked about all this ALLAH swt gave u? have u ever thinked ..........that u will face ALLAH swt wrath in the day of qayamat for thinking about this

    "PEACE COME FROM ALLAH swt .........FIND UR PEACE with the love you have inside for ALLAH swt take it out".................

    MY PRAYERS ARE ALWAYS WITH U LITTLE BROTHER..............remember THIS LIFE DOESNT BELONG TO US ....it belongs to ALLAH swt so dont think about SUICIDE.....coz u dont own it ALLAH swt does. SPEND UR LIFE HELPING OTHER WHO ARE IN PAIN.........BE NEAR ALLAH swt and change ur life u can do it ur young.................

    FORGIVE ME I BLABBER ALOT 0_o v ....hahah......I HAVE ALOT OF PAIN INSIDE ME ........BUT I AM HAPPY that ALLAH swt is watching me ..........and ALLAH swt is watching u to......MAKE ALLAH swt happy

    take care

  2. Assamu alaykum, Brother

    Please do not be too hard on yourself! You have taken the steps you need to repent from your mistakes. Allah (swt) knows we are weak. That is not an excuse for your misdeeds, and Allah will judge you fairly for them on the day of judgement. But, he understands your heart. When you make a mistake and repent, and intend to never repeat your mistake, he is given the opportunity, if he desires, to show you His mercy. He will wipe away the sin as if it never occurred. But he leaves the impact of your wrong-doing in your heart as a sign and as assistance in remembering not to do it again.

    The best thing you can do is learn how to forgive yourself. That does not mean make an excuse for yourself or think that it is okay to do it again. That allows you instead to more fully understand your humanity and our human weaknesses. This will serve you greatly throughout the rest of your life, insh'Allah..

    For example, if Allah chooses a wife for you some day, there will be times when she fails to live up to the ideals of Islam. Remember that she will have feelings similar to yours in her heart. She may be full of shame and embarassment, and as her husband, she may also feel she has failed you. Remember how you feel at this time, so that you can have compassion for her in her struggle. Allah is teaching you this right now, and probably many other things. It is a valuable lesson. It is part of being human. Allow Allah to teach you to be more merciful to others. You will be a better man for it, insh'Allah.

    May Allah Grant You His Best,

    - American Muslim

    • Also my brother, you have to move on from this woman. She is trying to do the right thing, too. It appears she has some feelings for you as well. That is not the point here. That she does care may be of some comfort to you, but in the end, you have to move on. However, don't let Shaytan whisper in your ear that she is the one for you. That you can find a way to be with her. Don't hold on to false hope or use your energy in thinking of ways to realize your dream of being with her. Let Allah (swt) work that if it is His will.

      You must keep your thoughts and actions on the halal. Do not even consider communicating in a haram fashion with her ever again.

      Allah knows best, my brother.

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    It's important, no matter how painful it is, to decide to put an end to your relationship with this girl. However, to do this and for closure of your emotional wounds, you need to take some practical steps.

    Since you've talked to your family and they agree on your choice, you need to put the family spat aside and ask her to do this, as well. Simply say to her that if her reluctance is based on the feud, you will mend it by asking both of your parents to sit down together for none other than speaking of your marriage. Yet, you must take the lead and request that both of your parents understand and honor this respectively. You can only do this if the young woman agrees to it. You also need to have the courage and resolve to settle any differences that arise. Once again, this is dependant on the young woman agreeing to it. She should see that you are willing to take this burden upon yourself with her possible support.

    However, the above practice is a guage to see if her intent is the same. It's completely possible that she will refuse, so you need to prepare yourself for this reaction. I know it will require a great deal of courage, but at this point, you need to know that you did everything you could. So you need to prepare yourself emotionally, if she says, "no." How do you get prepared for it?

    First, you must accept that if she refuses, you may never understand why. Yet, the emotional consolation is that you know her heart just wasn't committed to you. Think of it this way: if she couldn't handle the initial problems now, then surely she wouldn't be able to handle the issues that arise in marriage. It's better to see her leave you now rather than wait till you two have children.

    Secondly, to deal with her possible refusal, you need to have strong faith that this is the Will of Allah (swt). So whatever happens, know that He is ultimately looking out for your best interests. He only wants to give you a bride who is truly willing to love you come Heaven or Hell. The type of woman who will thank God for you everyday, as you would do for her. So you must go into this situation knowing that this current young lady may not be this woman. Therefore, place trust in Allah (swt) on this fact. This is part of your submission to Him.

    Thirdly, your biggest issue is that you don't have complete submission to Allah (swt) and this may be one reason why your sustenance needs to be straightened by Him. The sexual contact didn't "just happen," so you need to realize that the route you took there must be avoided in the future. You know that you should never be alone with a woman in this manner, so recognize the practical steps to counter a future situation such as what occurred to gain a grasp of your mental and physical submission to Allah (swt).

    Being unable to submit to Him caused you despair and you hurt yourself, so you need to understand this fact. It's as if you thought you had no one to help you while denying that He is the Greatest Helper. Yet too often we believe that as evidence of His presence is being given what we want. It's the opposite, however. Getting what He wants for us is the greater gift and becoming His servant in this realization is a significant part of worshipping Him and becoming spiritually, emotionally and intellectually close to Him. Do not allow the desperate absence of love from a limited being come between His Infinite Love and yourself.

    Two last points: remember that these actions may bear fruit by having this young woman become your wife or finally accepting that this will never happen. If it's the latter, know that you must tell her "good-bye" and then, cut off all communication. Any attempt at keeping a relationship other than marriage will hurt you deeply. So do not try to do this at all. Again, remember that she is only a limited human being: she passes gas just like everyone else on the planet. So her intention for you may just not be that strong. There is nothing you can do about it, except being grateful to Allah (swt) for showing you this now rather than later.

    Finally, always continue to build on believing in yourself and that Allah (swt) is always with you. He never will stop loving you with the greatest Love in existence. He has fed you, nurtured you, sheltered you and given you the gift of feeling love. One day you will get married, but your best pure love is only for Him. You do this by worshipping Him.

    Find happiness in that fact.

  4. thank you brothers for ur advice...but like i said she in all probably detests me now... she has asked me to forget about her...i have no other option to move on...but i will agree that it seems a little hard to do right now..it is a little hard to believe that she does not want to marry me anymore... thanks for all your words brothers

    • Asalaam alaikum brother,

      I want to share with you something that another person who went through a situation of a girl turning him down for a reason he couldn't understand. He has gotten a couple of rejections and has lived quite a bit longer than you and so he says, "You know, it doesn't matter if what they said was the truth, a lie or even if I couldn't tell the difference, it hurt all the same."

      At the end of it all, we just pick up the pieces of our heart and give them to Allah (swt) to mend.

      Yet, put your faith in Him that one day, he'll bring you a woman whose heart was probably broken once or twice, too. The difference is that she, knowing how important marrying you will be, will get down on her knees and pray to Allah (swt) with the most heartfelt dua, so that He can make you her husband.

      I know that day may be a ways off and that it's hard to think about that now, but it's going to be true. We know this because Allah (swt) did not make man to live a solitary life. From the very beginning, He always wanted us to have a partner. Whether it was Adam (as) or yourself, your very creation bears the realization that there is someone waiting for you, too.

      She's out there somewhere. Your heart may break a few times getting to her, but then maybe not, Insha'allah. Just keep in mind, that when that when she finally appears in your life, share your lovely tears of happiness together in gratefulness to Him.

      Whatever ups and downs time brings, feel free to keep replying with whatever is on your mind.

      Stay strong and may Allah (swt) bless you.

  5. thank you so much professor X. it hurts so so so so so much right now. i realise that being a family friend i cannot escape the news of her getting married and having to see her wedding invitation. i do not know , what kind of a storm will overtake me then. πŸ™ . i am scared of that day. if i am not able to handle this. how will i be able to handle that brothers and sisters??

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Brother, you are quite fortunate, because I have been speaking to a brother who is going through the same thing. This happens to many people, so know that you are not alone and like them, you can get through it.

      His proposal fell through and a few months later, he found out that the girl got married within six months. Yet, he took his broken heart to Allah (swt) and often just sat there after praying and talked to Him about it. It was tough he said, and at times, he just wanted to sleep all day. He said one of the hardest things that he did, though he knew he had to do it, was to sit and sincerely pray for her to be happy. It was heart wrenching to be sure, but he added, "I did it, because what had happened was part of His Will."

      Another brother shared this advice: "get back on the horse when it throws you off." What this means is to start looking for another person to marry. He suggested to sign up for a matrimonial site and just search through the profiles before seriously pursuing it, though. His reasoning is that a person needs to see the hopeful faces of other potential spouses as a sort of consolation and realization that there are many special people out there who are needing a partner, too. He also mentioned, a bit modestly, that there are many beautiful sisters out there, who though we may deny it, are more beautiful than the person who left us behind. It's a bit superficial to say it maybe, but it does make us realize a larger reality at hand: that Allah (swt) has given us many pious sisters to choose from.

      And of course, take a page from the divorced people who went through a hellish marriage: enjoy your life right now. It may not be something that you feel like doing, but get out of the house and do other things, even if your mind drifts back to this subject. Slowly, but surely, you'll see that you think about her less and less.

  6. Assalamu alaikum ,

    Brothers and sisters , is it true that all that passed was inevitable because it was a part of Qadr. I mean , the hurt , the pain , it was something I could not escape since it was pre ordained. Events of the past are all a part of qadr right. Please clarify

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Qadr is something that we misunderstand because we look at it from only the limited perspective. We think that there is one destiny for us and since it is preordained, we cannot avoid it. However, if we look in the Qur'an, Allah (swt) speaks not only of qadr, but of the will that we exercise. Remember that Allah (swt) says that the person will have what they have earned during their time on Earth, as well. Yet, how do we rectify these two realities?

      In a hadith, this question was posed to the 4th Caliph: is life qadr or free will? He replied by asking the person who was standing at the time to lift one of his legs. The man did so. He then asked the man to lift his other leg at the same time. The man replied he could not do this without falling. The reply then was this example showed the limit of our free will. Thus, our will occurs within the parameters of qadr. How so?

      You see, Allah (swt) knows all the possibilities of our lives. There is no reality that escapes Him. Yet, the choices we make in our life are part of our free will. For example, we look at a place on a map that we wish to visit. However, there are a myriad of routes, means of transport and time that we can arrive by and they all represent a way to the ultimate destination. However, we may choose the path of least resistance or may choose a more scenic route. Sometimes we will be diverted and sometimes we will get there easily. This metaphor is also the reality of our life.

      Let's take your previous sin with this woman. Allah (swt) gives you the choice how to proceed with this relationship, but the relationship is not the ultimate destination and is only a part of your journey. Thus as Allah (swt) has revealed, this life is temporary. Everything will go away once we die and our judged to where our ultimate destination will be. This is why we must learn from our experiences.

      So the question is not, "was this fate?" Instead, the question is, "what will you learn from this experience?"

    • ALLAH (Subhan Wa Tala wa Azawajal ) knows best and ALLAH ALLAH (Subhan Wa Tala wa Azawajal ) has not give me the power to tell u what is right or wrong, So look ahead of how u can be a good muslim instead of knowing about everything

  7. Assalamu alaikum ,

    Thank you so much professor X for your patience with me. I am just very troubled right now. I have tried to gather all the courage I could to deal with the guilt of the sin , the fear of punishment , the pain of losing the person , the pressure of career and exams. Brothers , how much more courage I have left I do not know. I don't know from where I can gather more courage. It feels like I should have been dead long time ago but ALLAH kept me going somehow through all the nightmarish nights and dreadful days. I moved away from home , away from my city , now back home again to deal with everything. Brothers , please pray for me , I do not know how much more courage I have left. πŸ™

    • My Brother,

      You will not be tested beyond your strength. Allah is with you. Remember Him and he will remember you.

      My brother, I have been there. In fact very recently. I am still sad because of it. I really can empathize with your pain. I am feeling similar pain of my own. I recently found out that someone I had deep affection for did not return that affection in the manner I thought. It can be devastating. Professor X (a great source of strength for me in this struggle, Alahamdulillah) offered some real comfort for me in that time. Check out this post: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/must-abandon-women-friends/ and take note of the kind responses to my question, including the ones by Professor X. He is able to get down to the roots of issues and shed light on them.

      May Allah Grant You Peace, Ease Your Burdens, And Grant You His Best Rewards,

      - American Muslim

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      As the brother above said, , you are calling on the wrong attribute, because courage can fade and grow weary. What you need is true submission. The latter embraces both the good aspects of life and the bad while at the same time saying, "Alhamdulillah." It is not that we revel in misery, but that we understand what the pain represents. Bear with me for a moment and I'll try to explain.

      The tears from our eyes are the physical response to emotional pain. It's a manifestation of our reality and what has happened to us. So, no amount of courage will overcome it. For instance, look at Prophet Nooh (as). Even though his son was drowned for disbelieving, Nooh (as) still cries. He has total faith in his Lord, had the strength to overcome his adversaries and their mocking to build the ark and yet, he still cries for the situation at hand. Why? We must come to a realization that his hurt is borne in a reality that is tied to the realm of Allah (swt). We cannot operate or experience anything outside of it.

      So you must understand as well, that the pain is part and parcel of your reality. However, you are not submitting to the pain, but to the reality that it is Allah (swt), that is the Divine Creator in whose universe we are bound to. In fact, your heartache is a testimony to Him that He is the only true source of Great Love.

      If you need me to explain this further, please inquire.

      • Salam alikum

        i see many peoples come here for advises, but professor i want to ask u something have u ever helped someone in real life. u r words are very nice, people seems to understand, but can u tell me, y peoples need an answer from other human being? y they never rely on ALLAH swt ? they do sin and they come to a site and post there problems. y cnat these problems be shared with ALLAH swt, indeed the the creator of everything is listening and watching, y they need to come other way around, for an instance u tell them about what is right and wrong and they realize and then they turn towards ALLAH swt and ask for mercy, its funny to know that peoples here post there problems and ask help from HUMANs lol not ALLAH swt , arent those human who give advices is given knowledge by ALLAH swt?

        well to those peoples commenting here instead of finding ur answers in ur prayers, and in dua

        is said what was on my mind,

        • Walaikum salaam,

          To be honest, I pray that I help people and yes, that applies to real life with the people I have encountered. However, we all know that the Greatest Helper is up above.

          I've known several brothers who were in difficulties in the past and others that were non-Muslim, and the difference is that with the former, we can talk openly about religion whereas the latter may not be open to it or may resist it. So I believe that this website helps people who are emotionally wounded and are seeking Islamic help in a world that is vastly becoming desensitized to a respective person's struggle such to the point, that it will outcast them from it.

          I've also found that just because we may have other Muslims around us, read the Qur'an and try to live the Sunnah, we may be missing a part of the puzzle. Many times, as another poster once said in another post, when we find ourselves in trouble or in dire situations, we lose perspective and objectivity. We then become helpless and all sorts of pain follows. This is when it's also helpful to seek advice from others who may have experienced something similar. That is not to say that we don't seek Allah (swt), but to acknowledge that He revealed a religion that has significant social responsibilities. Unlike monks, we do enclose ourselves away from others at every cost while trying to achieve piety.

          The point of offering advice then, is not to extol ourselves, but as to remind others to return to Allah (swt). We have to remember that it is He that gave us each other. There is a reason why He created an ummah. We are to act as friends, confidants, neighbors and helpers to one and other. In a way, this is da'wah of the heart, a guidance often neglected in our world and in our communities.

          While I agree that we solely rely on Allah (swt), by helping each other, we are witness to the fact that He gave us supporters, though He is the greatest supporter. In this regard, I will mention a conversation I had yesterday with someone.

          The issue was about dependence. While we are ultimately dependent on Allah (swt), we also acknowledge that the people around us can either make our life easy or difficult. Recall that even Prophet Musa (as) asked for help when he was to return to confront Pharaoh. Also, in the story concerning the youths of the cave, they were several people, and Allah (swt) reveals often that he strengthens His messengers with other people. If great prophets, messengers and believers needed support, then surely we should reach out for it, too. This is why many of us attend, listen, seek counsel from scholars or go to Islamic seminaries. Understanding Allah (swt) is a reality in which we admit that we are very limited, but with help, can educate ourselves about it.

          However, we must also acknowledge that we are each individuals and we are all at different levels of faith or may be in a situation where we cannot think clearly. Think of this example: a house is on fire and a person is trapped inside. There is so much smoke that they can barely see or breathe. So they need the help of someone to guide them out of the house so that they do not get burned. In the same way, advice is able to guide them and help them focus on a part of their lives and their prayers to get closer to Allah (swt).

          The destination of our journey is always Him. Yet, we cannot forget that we are to enjoin good and help each other along the way, too.

          • to clarify: Unlike monks, we should NOT enclose ourselves away from others at every cost while trying to achieve piety.

  8. Im not a guy who wanted to use her. Never did. What happened was because of our recklessness and stupidity. I don't want to leave her cos I still have feelings for her , I like her and I do not want to be a guy who would get close to a girl and just leave her like that. I mean , that seems wrong to me. I know I am supposed to cut off all ties with non mahram. I could do it with any other girl in the world but not with her because I feel morally obligated to stick by her no matter what. I do not know if it is a trick of shaytaan or if what I am doing is right. That is why no matter whenever we correspond I end up telling her that I love her still and I will not leave her. Even if it means begging her to give me a shot because I feel that is what I am supposed to do. Because , whenever I think of cutting off ties with her it makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me feel question what kind of a person I am. Someone who would get intimate with a girl and leave her just like that??? . So I end up thinking that sticking with her till the end is the right thing to do even though she tells me that she has moved on and does not want to marry me anymore. What do I do??

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Move on. It's simple and yes, it hurts, but you have no other choice. Right now you are in endangering your well being, your connection to Allah (swt) and losing your dignity. You're building a scenario not based in reality and you are delaying the inevitable which if it comes sooner than you expected, you will be devastated. As the saying goes, "some people are here for a season or a reason." This girl was only in your life for a "season" and you need to understand that holding onto something that will never bear fruit is going to destroy your true reason on this Earth: to worship Allah (swt).

      I'm going to tell you a few things, albeit bluntly. This is the 'tough love' part and I type it because you need to hear it. She doesn't need or want you anymore. If she ever truly loved you, she would marry you, but she never loved you. She entertained the idea of loving you, but she never fostered a sincere long lasting love. She will never get over the fact that you two transgressed the bounds and now she sees you as a mistake and as something sinful in her past life.

      You , on the other hand, are using a chivalrous argument that, in truth, is a crutch to excuse you hanging onto her. Your using it to avoid doing the right thing which is difficult. So you're twisting it to your advantage through weakness while trying to clothe it in bravery. This will never get you anywhere with her. She doesn't want you and you must realize that. She doesn't want to hold you, kiss you or to have your children. You will never get a sufficient enough answer from her as to why, because the real answer is hidden from you. In fact, she doesn't have the "real" answer. Only Allah (swt) does.

      Deep in your heart, past the mirage that you are setting up to run after, you know that what I am saying is the truth. Therefore, you need to stop lying to yourself. You have to move on and stop contacting her. Eventually, she is going to do it to you because she will find someone else, if she is already not looking. Yes, it is possible that she is looking for someone else right now. And when she finds him, she will think the world of him and will toss you aside quite easily.

      You do not give her life. You do not support her, feed her, clothe her and will not touch her soul. That is Allah's Realm (swt).

      You must understand your position now. You are a human, you are limited and you must learn from what happened. You are not to live for her. You are to live for Allah (swt). You are to find a greater meaning to your life and yes, you must find another woman to love the right way, from the very start.

      She was never yours', she belong to Allah (swt). Thank Him for the sweet memories, and thank Him for the pain of separation. This shows you are a loving human being and that your heart has good in it. Yet, you must also reform it, as well. You must learn to love Allah (swt) and abide by His standards. Once you start on that path in all earnest effort by leaving this girl now, you will start to understand.

      The pain is going to come and go. Some days will be good and some days will be bad. In time, the bad days will lessen in frequency and in depth.

      Your faith and your life is at stake in this world and in the hereafter. So it is obligatory on you to leave her today. Not tomorrow, but today. Call her one last time and say "good-bye." It'll be hard to do, but it's necessary. And when you feel like you're going to be split by the pain, talk to Allah (swt) and cry to Him.

      Allah (swt) will hear you. He will accept you. And He will love you.

  9. Assalamvalaikum Professor X ,

    last night i told her that i still want to get married and that i will take on the responsibility to do all that i cud with a lil strength from her. I asked her if she is saying no cos of family reasons or if she thinks im not suitable. if so , what are the reasons for it. i also told her that relationships out of marriage are haraam and i want to be with her in a halal marriage which is the only way. to which i got a blunt reply which said , " just cos its haraam u want to marry me or else u wouldnt ? " . i told her that i want to marry her cos i want to be with her and that it is the only halal way. she said she does not want to and she can never love me. i asked her for the reason she said , " i dont know but i dont like you thats it " . that was when i told her that if she does not want me and never will then its better to cut of all ties since she will be someone elses wife and soulmate. but i also told her that it doesnt mean that i dont want to marry her still and i will wait till she gets married incase she has a change of heart and mind. along with it i also told her a few things where i felt i was hurt by her. i told her to be careful abt using words in anger cos a heart once broken cant be fixed. this was beause there were times when she said a lot of hurtful things to me like i dont deserve her love , i am fake , im a big liar etc. i also told her that nothing in life worth getting is got without a fight. but i guess that was the catch , i wasnt " worth " fighting " for. she told me that we are of a different nature so she doesnt like me. i told her that love is not about two hands fitting each other perfectly but rather its two hands which dont fit but are not ready to let each other go. i also asked her not to come to conclusions based on assumptions and always put urself in the other persons shoes and look at things frm his perspective before deciding on his nature , character. i guess i blurted out these words cos i was upset abt the whole thing myself.

    but i did tell her goodbye.

    • Walaikum salaam,

      That's good enough. Don't ever call her again. Right now, she's finding any reason to dislike you, because this will lead to her hating you. This is her process of "moving on" and she is using you as her road to run over. Forget the analogies, the metaphors and the poems. She's past that. Don't stick around to find out how ugly her words can get. She will crush you if she has to, because again, this is her process of moving on.

      I'm going to say something that may offend some people. She's is a coward. Due to this, she doesn't have the courage just to say "no" and stop answering your calls. So this is where you have to man up and erase her from your life. If you have anything from her such as notes, emails, texts or whatever it is, throw it away today. Burn it, shred it, delete it. Get rid of it now. Asap.

      Stop listening to music of heartbreak. Avoid it completely. Don't wear black clothes. Open the windows to get some Sun and do not stay alone this weekend. Even if it means going to eat by yourself or going to the movies by yourself, then that is fine. You need to get out from the confines of your misery. Go to a masjid, no matter where it is, this Friday. Make some new friends and this weekend, if you have the means, but something special for yourself. Cologne, smart clothes, get a new haircut or whatever. Improve yourself in some way and involve yourself in other matters.

      It's over. Bury it. It's time for you to move on.

      • Professor X,

        Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted you so much wisdom. I marvel and the breadth and depth of your understanding and compassion. Alhamdulilah again. Your compassion and "tough love" approach here is appropriate and what he needs to hear.

        And I agree, she is in some ways a coward. But better for Bother Yukiyukio that she is a coward than to continue to lead him on and manipulate him if she is through with him.

        -American Muslim
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. Brothers thank you for all this. Actually , the thing is I did tawbah in the month of february itself after wat happened. But I was still with her but avoided meeting each other in seclusion and the like. But after the family fight and everything I cudnt take it. Actually , before the fight itself I became very weary. It was eating me up from the inside. I started thinking how cud I do this ? Wat is the solution?? The more I thought , the more it felt like I had to stick with her and leaving her would be using her and betraying her. I tried to convince her but she said no. But after the fight I broke dow. n. I did not know wat to do. I was a mnss. I ran away to another place. Ran away to a different city. Nothin. g hlpeed. I became selfish I suppose. My human side got the better of me. I wanted to do all I cud to still be a decent person and be with her and not be just a sinful moment in her past

    • Bother Yukiyukio

      Don't let this episode in your life take you away from your commitment to Allah on your path to Jannah. Life can be a series of struggles, but always learn something from each battle. What was Allah trying to teach you here? You need to look into your heart and your mind through prayer to find the answer that applies to you.

      The good thing that I see in this: you have the capacity to be loyal and steadfast even in turmoil. When Allah chooses a wife for you, He will be blessing her with you (and you with her), and part of that blessing will be these very admirable traits that Allah has tested in you. Somewhere right now a woman is being prepared by Allah to be the wife for you. Tested, guided, and prepared. Alhamdulillah.

      Allow Him to bring the two of you together on His timetable as part of His plan. Until then, allow Him to prepare you as part of His plan. It will glorify Him.

      -American Muslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  11. I feel much more terrible now abt myself. How cud I let my ego get so big. How cud I commit such a sin. After that it became more abt me I guess. I guess more than doing out of love I was doing it out of loyalty and trying to fix the wrongs. πŸ™ . Im a bad person arent i?? And being human my ego is so so hirt when I realise that she is glad she is not with me. πŸ™

    • My Brother,

      I know this hurts. I know the way seems so hard. But know this: Allah has a plan for you. Seek His will. Now more than ever. You are not a bad person. That is Shaytan talking, trying to separate you from Allah, trying to shake your faith and disrupt your path to Jannah.

      Allah does not create bad people. He does, however, create people with a free will. You have the opportunity here to grow in strength, to grow in confidence in Him. Keep Him in your heart. Keep Him in your mind. Resolve to go to Him at every turn, at every junction, at every opportunity. He will be there for you. He is always there for you. He will not forsake you if you remember Him.

      Use the hurt you are feeling right now as a reminder that when you do not follow the strictly halaal path, then you suffer. It is His way of helping you remember this. Do you want to feel this way tomorrow? I don't think so. Use the pain you are feeling as an inspiration to become closer to Him.

      Cry out to Allah. Humble yourself before Him. Feel His power, His mercy, His wisdom, and He will show you His favor.

      -American Muslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  12. The only way I cud remove my guilt was to give it all that I have to make it work. πŸ™ . If mshe had just said yes , I would have given it my all and even if it didnt work , I wud have had the consolation that I did all I cud. πŸ™ she hadnt given me that chance either. πŸ™

    • Brother Yukiyukio,

      You HAVE given it your all. That is what Allah is telling you. He is protecting you from future pain right now. He knows this woman is not the one He has chosen for you. Trust Him.

      You now need to submit to Allah. He knows what is best, you do not know.

      -American Muslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        yukiyukio, You are going to feel this way for a while ad there will no getting around it. There will be some days when you think that she has made the biggest mistake and then you will think, "maybe if I call her one more time to convince her....," but it won't work. There will be days that you think, "We would have been so happy....," but that will only belie the reality of today. There are going to be many moments of "ifs, buts and maybes," but that is normal. Sometimes this is Shaytan and sometimes this is your ego.

        You are to abase yourself in the cause of Allah (swt), not for a person. You've set her too high on a pedestal right now and metaphorically, you need to knock her off from there. This is an important aspect of learning that your love must have Islamic standards. Think about it this way: you two fell apart because you couldn't handle to small bumps in the road. So what was it going to be like for you two had the real hard knocks occur in the future? She would have ran off. Take consolation that it has happened now instead of when you have four kids looking up at you asking where mommy ran off to or worse, who she ran off with.

        As the brother above said, you have done enough. Accept that it is over. Accept it, accept it, accept it.

        This is not about calling yourself 'good' or 'bad,' but it's about learning about your position in life in front of Allah (swt). Remember that He is showing you how to become a man, how to cope and how to move on in life. So many people fail at this point. It's imperative that you can see this part for yourself.

        Make peace with yourself. Understand that you tried to make it work, but there are just things you cannot do. You are not a miracle worker.

        I highly recommend you to do something for yourself this weekend. Do something kind, charitable or just or yourself. Be happy that Allah (swt) has chosen you for this experience and the wisdom can will eventually come with it. The next woman will be even better. Believe me, she will be.

  13. Assalamvalaikum ,

    Thank you Professor X and Brother AmericanMuslim for being there for me. I realise now that there have been a lot of other mistakes I made other than the sin which is the root for all these problems. The girl has told me that she asked me not do anything and forget about me because she knew it wont work and she did not want me hurt even more. At the same time , she also said that she does not like me or have any feelings whatsoever. In the end , as a human being , Im ashamed to say my ego was hurt and I felt bad when she said she does not like and does not want to be with me.

    And on a last note , i went crazy trying to right all the wrongs because I suspect ( and this is just a suspicion ) since had shown few symptoms of OCD earlier , im guessing my I turned very Scrupulous and I researched more into religion after having committed that sin. I guess it was this fear of god and fear of being a bad / wrong person which drove me to do all the actions trying to correct things because I did not want to be a bad person and I did not want her to think low or bad of me. That is why i went around looking for so much reassurance everywhere that I had taken the right steps and I was doing the right thing. πŸ™ . Ofcourse , this is just a hunch. What do you guys think? If you concur , I can try and sort this problem out with a different psychiatrist and what do u suggest the solutions are??

    • My Brother,

      I am not a psychiatrist. However, I think you are just suffering typical and normal pain of a failed relationship. That is one of the reasons Allah provides us strict guidance on the interactions between men and women.

      He created us with these wonderful, powerful, and helpful emotions to aid us in bonding to a spouse. This will help us get through the really diffucult struggles that life throws at a man and wife. However, when a person develops these feelings outside of a marriage, you now personally can attest to how painful the results can be.

      All of that said, if you think you may have OCD, I encourage you to find a suitable psychiatrist. Be careful in your selection. You might find a trustworthy Iman at your masjid to help you find one. If that is embarassing, then you might be able to go one that is farther away from your home.

      Also, Professor X may have further suggestions. Allah has granted him knowledge, skills, and abilities to provide very good advice.

      Please know that Allah is always with you. He will never allow you to be tested beyond your strength,

      -American Muslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  14. it is so hard now...i keep crying the entire day...whenever i wake up..the first thought in my mind is SHE IS GONE , SHE IS NOT THERE. :'( . i keep crying..i am left dysfunctional. πŸ™ . i just think abt what i cud have done right. where i went wrong. my spirit is dead.

    • My Brother

      It is the will of Allah. You need to accept that sometimes there is nothing you could have done to change the situation. Allah is trying to teach you something here. Try to see what it is.

      I know this is very tough. I know that the nights seem a little colder and the sun looks a little more harsh in the day. Sugar does not seem as sweet. Melodies are not as soothing.

      Sometimes, when the sun sets, the darkness can be consuming. Scary. You feel alone. But know that the sun will also rise in the morning. It is a natural part of this life that Allah has granted us.

      Turn to Allah. Fall to your knees. Ask Him to help you in your grief. He is there. Turn your questioning and your agony into asking Him what you can do. As Professor X said, you need to get out into the world. You will only feel worse if you do not. Look at the things you can do to take your future into your hands, with His help.

      Don't think that if you were just perfect she would reconsider. No one is perfect. Don't think that you can change in some way to make her reconsider. Any changes you make to yourself must be to glorify Allah. If you make changes to glorify yourself in her eyes, then the motive is incorrect.

      Please, my brother, please pray. And then pray more. It will not be easy. You may not feel better today. Or tomorrow. But you will, if you trust in Allah. Your rewards in Jannah will be beyond your wildest dreams.

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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