Stuck in a complicated situation
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Brothers and Sisters,
I need your views and advise in one of the situation I am stuck in now and my senses tell me to move on but hesitant.
we have been married for 16 years with 3 kids settled for good in Australia. I love my wife and she is a homemaker. I Built a beautiful home which is mortgaged and was living peacefully. I think I have wronged my wife by involving with a with a girl I had live during my bachelor days. When my wife went on vacation for 6 months I married with the woman which I had love by inviting her to Australia and the life was as exactly I wanted but somewhere in the corner of my heart I was feeling guilty and wanted to end this short marriage and I know I will be doing injustice to the 2nd wife but I had a feeling that she will understand my feelings and cooperate with me because she loves me to that extent. And eventually I started preparing to bring back my first wife and arranged air tickets everything. In the meantime my first wife came to know about my marriage with another woman and obviously she was mad and distanced with me for 15 days and I have explained everything to my 2nd wife and she understood and left my life saying that if you want to stay with your children and first wife then I must leave your life and forgiven me for my false promises to her prior.
i have managed to bring back my first wife apologising to everyone in her family and her. But the real problems started after she came home where I have seen her real face and character like abusing, shouting in front of kids, keeping track of my gps on phone sort of things which I was dying from inside due to this humiliation. My job was to apologise her every day and console her every hour because she was unable to bear that I had an affair with the woman. Six months I have tolerated every abuse and humiliation and one day I was not able to hear the abuses which she was barking infront of my children a boy and 2 girls and I lost my temper and mind and had slapped her first time in life to stop her bad mouthing... and immediately asked her forgiveness but she started calling everyone in her family and brothers about it and they advised her to call police and she did and I have detained for 4 hours and came back home and by the time she called her cousin and prepared to leave home.. I have again apologised her and requested to not to leave home but I was failed convincing her... it's been 9 months she is living in her cousin home...
her brothers demanded to sell the home, I did and now the money is in Lawyers trust account.
now she want to transfer all the money to her account which I won't be having any access and start from beginning and buy a new house and then she comes ...
another demand was to bring the woman and her family infront of her brothers and divorce her in public.
i have tried to convince her that I have left her for good even she was pregnant... and she will never comeback in my life if you are there ... but I cannot bring her in front of your brothers...
now my first wife is already out of my control as she is moving around in community without me comfortably...
i want her to trust me and send her family members to my elders to talk for which she is adamant that she don't respect them and never send her elders to my elders... I'm very much disappointed with my first wife as she is not at all obedient or not even atleast a little bit compassionate. She is serving her cousins when I am living in this country all alone without any relative...
i seem to have loosing the patience and thinking to move on instead of facing the lifelong humiliation and distrust.
your views awaited...
wassalam
Sydman
4 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalam Alekum
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss brother.
If I was her I would surely be angry, but the fact that you married the girl.
MashaAllah suggests that you did the right thing.
Leave your first wife however she wants to live, she might one day come back to you after having children from you.
Also, you mentioned that your first wife went on holiday for 6 months. This is not permissible in Islam, a marriage is broken down within 3 months (meaning that it's a talaq) already.
Firstly you should have told her that you were going to marry a girl you loved, even though there is no need for her permission but it would have been wiser as she wasn't expecting a stranger into her house.
Did you not think about your wife's attitude living with another women in her own home?
When marrying a women, a man should give equal rights to his wives otherwise the relationships break down immediately as financially, emotionally, mentally and physically you need to be there for them...
What I suggest you should do is to speak to your local Imaam.
Wa Salam Alekum Wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh
"a marriage is broken down within 3 months (meaning that it's a talaq) already"
That is not correct, brother. There is no period of separation - not 3 months, one year or thirty years - that results in automatic talaq. A marriage can only be ended through an actual declaration of talaq, or through khulah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree!
Assalaamualalykum Sydman,
I hope this finds your situation improved over when you wrote it.
You write:
" but I had a feeling that she will understand my feelings and cooperate with me because she loves me to that extent."
We should never take someone's love for granted or act as though they will always forgive us no matter the act. It is better to act responsibly in the first place, which is a better show of appreciation for their love.
"now my first wife is already out of my control as she is moving around in community without me comfortably."
Your wife is not for you to "control." She should feel comfortable moving around in the community without you regardless of whether she is with you or not.
"Six months I have tolerated every abuse and humiliation [from first wife]...My job was to apologise her every day and console her every hour ....i seem to have loosing the patience and thinking to move on instead of facing the lifelong humiliation and distrust."
Six months is not necessarily enough time to rebuild trust. Everybody has a different capacity for "forgiving and/or forgetting" as they say. I see that you are consciously working to rebuild the trust with positive actions, and you may have to keep that up for some time longer if you wish to continue in the marriage. Depending on how old your children are, that may be worth it. If they are very young and sensitive, it will hurt them to see constant strife between their parents, but if they are slightly older, they may be able to better separate their identities from what is going on around them, and you may have more time to make things right between the two of you without fear of hurting the children.
Inshallah your wife will be able to give up her requirement of the other wife coming in front of her brothers, but if she doesn't, then you'll have to make a decision based on what you feel like you can handle. She may be saying this because she is very upset right now. If the other wife is pregnant as you say, then you may have her in your life in some capacity due to the child, so you may have to find a way for introductions to be made even if you are uncomfortable with it.
For the sake of all involved, I sincerely hope you are able to find solution.
And Allah knows best,
Nor