Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stuck in a marriage to a cousin I hate

no love

No Love...No Intimacy

Salam alaikum. So I'm 21 got married to my 27 yr old cousin. I was asked to marry him when I was 14 (I did not want to but said yes to make my parents happy) and had been arranged to him for 6 yr and got married at 20.

I did not want to marry him so I built so much hate for him for 6 year. it almost one yr that I have married him and I hate my life its really hard I don't love him at all. I don't feel anything I always think how I can get put cuz he really love me. I almost feel sorry for him cuz I fake my love only. I do what ever he asks of my not once have I had a fight or argument with him cuz I don't care I feel like a robot. he thinks our marriage is perfect but really from my side I hate I always stressed.

I had a miscarriage 2 months cuz of to much stress but told every1 it was cuz I picked something heavy up. I would cut my self and think about suicide too. I don't know how to tell him that my love for him is all fake cuz he was really aggrieved when we first got married of I didn't to to have sex he would get really mad and black mail, if i didnt help his mum he would get angry at me. now he is nice cuz I do ANYTHING he says. but I hate it. I am also scared of him for some reason.

I grew up in australia and he grow up in pakistan and uk. he sometime want to move back but I don't want to cuz my only happens is my own family now. if I move I know I'll do something crazy cuz I have before (I cut my self really bad).


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10 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    You are self-harming because you don't want to deal with the real issue at hand. What is it about your husband that you don't like? Is it something that you think you will be able to get over?

    You have the following choices:
    1. Stay in the situation knowing it may stay the same, get worse and possibly get better--though I doubt that.

    2. Address your husband and tell him the truth. You are self-harming and he doesn't know?

    I don't think it is easy or wise to just walk away from the marriage--you need to come clean with your husband--also, in reading your post, it was hard to understand why you feel the way you do since you haven't given any specific examples.

    I suggest that you also go to see a counsellor regarding the self-harm, they may be able to shed light and help you cope and get to the point of problem-solving, instead of letting this all build up.

    May Allah swt ease your pain.

  2. Then why did you marry him? I dont mean to be harsh sister but it's your own fault - your parents aren't the one's spending their lives with him but you are. You should have said no and stood your ground! You brought this situation on yourself and frankly you have two choices:

    Divorce him because it's not fair om you or him


    Stay put and be miserable in your marriage

    Again sister I mean no disrespect or harshness whatsoever but if you were a man in this situation everyone here would be blaming you saying you shouldn't have married him so in my eyes the same goes for women.

    You are only making yourself miserable - divorce him and move on.

  3. You were forced into marriage and its been 6 years and now finally you have the courage to do something. Look suicide is haram period. Stay away from that regardless how bad things get. You need to look deep within yourself and see what you really want. Where do you want to go from here. Do you want to seperate form him ? Or do you want to stay with him, either things get better or they don't and your just miserable still. Your still young and you need to think about it NOW. You should take some advice from a local imam or marriage councillor and get some advice.

  4. Give him a chance. If he is a good person try to make your marriage work.

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    I think the one thing you should do (in addition to speaking honestly to your husband about what your feelings and thoughts are) is to stop faking your love for him. I think a lot of your distress comes from the fact that you are living a double life, which is totally unnecessary.

    You don't have to be mean or rude or spiteful. Just stop lying. If you don't feel you love him, stop saying it to him. If you don't feel like touching him, then don't. I suggest you make this change AFTER you have a heart to heart conversation with him where he can be clear what's going on. Then he won't expect any different. That's the compassionate thing to do.

    Simply let him know that you need to talk to him about something important. Then, let him know that your parents chose you to marry him when you were 14 and way too young to have the ability to decide such a thing. Let him know you believe what your parents did was wrong, but that you weren't old enough or experienced enough to know how to get out of it, so you ended up in this marriage with him.

    Tell him honestly that you've never been happy, and tell him why specfically. Or, if there is no specific reason, tell him that too. Tell him if it's just because you didn't choose it yourself, and just wanted the option to explore your own choices but were denied that.

    Tell him that you don't feel like the marriage is fair to either of you. Tell him that you think a divorce may be better for both of you (of course, assuming this is how you really feel). Ask him what he thinks about the situation, listen openly, then make try to make a decision together as two mature adults. After that whole conversation, then you can start living and acting authentically with him.

    One thing I have to mention in all this is, as long as you are married to him, he still has marital rights over you. Maybe he will still want those after you reveal the truth, maybe not. If he does, I think it's only fair that you tell him you are giving him his rights only out of taqwa, but not out of your genuine feelings. And I do not suggest withholding them. If you feel you just simply cannot be sexual with him after everything gets aired, it's better to pursue a divorce even if through khula. That is the just and most honoring thing to both of you in such an instance.

    -Amy Editor

    • Jazak Allah for pointing out that the sister was only 14 when she was engaged and had to decide to marry. Some of the comments to the sister are rather harsh--try to imagine any 14 year old girl that you know and imagine if she had to make a choice in marriage--that along with culture--that would not be easy. Saying no to parents could bring about the threat of permanent estrangement from their next of kin.

      • " along with culture--that would not be easy. Saying no to parents could bring about the threat of permanent estrangement from their next of kin."

        See I agree with what you're saying sister but the thing that annoys me is when people only bring this issue up when it is the WOMAN getting into a forced marriage. It, in place of a woman, it was a man writing this post then there would be no sympathy for him and everyone would blame him saying "oh stand up to your parents you shouldn't have let them make the decision"

        If it is expected for the man to step up and say no to his parents then it should also be expected for the woman. It s not just women who risk being isolated from their families but men as well, but from what I have seen on previous posts on this website, people give sympathy to women who are complaining about being forced into marriage but are overly-harsh and blaming towards men even though BOTH men and women live in the same culture and face pretty much the same problems if they say no to a forced marriage.

        • @Asim I agree

          OP if your husband is a good man and by the sound of it he seems to be make the marriage work then if not let him go. I really think you are being really unfair to your husband you really be blessed. In time i really hope you realise how lucky you really are!!

          Also get professional help in regards to self harming this is not healthy way of life. Your issues are more psychological and I hope in time you get the right treatment and counselling.

        • Br. Asim,

          I wish it were the same for women and men. But, as you and I know, after this divorce, the husband can easily remarry and the woman cannot. Furthermore, a woman needs a wali in marriage, whereas a man does not--so, no, it is not the same especially for a 14 year old girl. Also, the number of 14 year old girls that I know who have been engaged at that age are far greater than the number of 14 year old boys...and her husband is 27--where she is 21. It is much easier for a 27 year old man to stand up to his parents than a girl--and since a man doesn't require a wali, he carries a greater degree of responsibility in his marriage decision.

          As far as men and women becoming isolated after marriage, many women are financially dependent while the men are not--so while both may suffer emotionally, women suffer an additional blow of financial hardship.

          Again, I wish it were the same, but, it is far from it.

          • Assalam wa alikum sister

            I understand why you said nothing to your parents, I think you must have been a very shy person or someone who must not have a lot of confidence, most young people don't. I know you sacrificed your happiness for your parents as you did not in your heart want your marriage.

            I think you need to see your doctor about this self harming, it is more important to deal with this first. It's very unhealthy to have soo much hate building up especially towards your husband, who should be a source of peace and happiness to you. You have stated you feel suicidal, these feeling are all warning for you to get serious professional help. Do not just take advice from here, please see your doctor.

            You are angry with him because you don't want to be intimate with him and as you said in the past, if you don't, he would get mad and black mail. He also gets angry if you don't help his mum. You also say you are scared of him. And now you do everything he says, you are obviously going to get more upset and angry as you have put his needs at a cost of ignoring yours.

            First of all see your doctor, then once your strong enough tell your husband the truth as for a marriage to really work, it really takes both husband and wife to make an effort not the wife sacrificing her life for her husband to make others such as her parents happy. You should only sacrifice your energy to please Allah, not to your husband or anyone else. If you chose to leave your husband and file for a divorce then it is really up to you, don't care what other think or say.

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