Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stuck in Loveless, sexless, boring marriage- is zina an option?

I married late in my 30's as my father had died and l wanted to save myself for zina which I had done all my life. I really wanted love and intimacy with a man and married this man after a couple of meetings with my mother and friends. After marriage I realised he was not normal. He doesnt like to socialise.. he is completely without any social skils. He doesnt care as he doesnt seem to have the need for company.. not even mine. He doesnt engage with me or ever have any intimacy with me.

no loveI feel so lonely. we have not visited anyone nor has anyone visited us in many years. I have one daughter with him only after killing my diginity and nagging him for intercourse for the sake of having a child. I so desperately want another baby. Once a  year I cry and complain to him about lack of love and sex in our marriage and that i need a normal life with children. He apologises and says he will try to change but no change has occured in 8 years.

I am in my 40s now and desperate for a brother or sister for my daughter. She is also so lonely like me. I cannot lower myself any more to beg him for sex to have another child and I also feel like I am going mad as I need a loving touch of a man, even a kiss which he never gives me. I have become agarophobic and fear meeting people or going out as my family friends have given me the impression that we are not having kids because of some problem with me. But i have had myself checked and i have the fertile health of a 30 year old but my husband has 97% abnormal sperm.

We have nothing in common.  He is from another culture so we dont even share the same language as he is arabic and i am indian.  We dont like the same things in anything.  We are so opposite, I feel like killing myself as I feel I am now too old to find another man and this man will never give me a divorce because of our daughter and because he wants a housekeeper to take care of everything while he is glued to the tv or laptop.

If  l commit zina in this situation will it be a sin on me...i deserve human contact...i am so unhappy.

Please advise

May Allah bless anyone who gives me some wisdom in this situation.

- unhappynaila

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66 Responses »

  1. assalamu alaykum,no offence but i know alot of arab men with that kind of attitude i really dont know why they are like that with their wives some take 4 wives,some keep on marrying and divorcing some commit zina,is he on the laptop alot? well that could be a sign that he himself is looking for a connection which he does not find with you,most arab men are not inlove with their wives but are in the marriage for some other reason one thing is for sure everybody men or women are searching for a lover that is how we were created,so he is normal,i have a feeling he is hiding alot of stuff away from you,are you sure he does not have another wife somewhere? zina in no way is halaal,he has to give u your sexual needs try convincing him tell him hadiths and quraanc ayaats concerning this matter,and if you want him to want you,try looking sexy,put on some lovely perfume,seduce him now and then,there is nothing wrong with seduing your husband he is yours,and maybe he feels he wants a younger wife no offence but many men who are not inlove starves for a young sexy rose to satisfy their needs

    • Nadheerah,

      You assume the husband is a man who desires other women, what if the husband doesn't desire intimacy altogether? There are many men who do not desire sex as they grow older, but fortunately for them they have wives who do not either. However when one partner loses the desire and the other doesn't that is where the problem lies, a compromise must be made.

      Your statement about him wanting a young rose is complete nonsense in the sense she original poster has not even suggested anything of the sort. We must not presume he is guilty of zina, it is a grave sin to assume such things.

      • brother muhammad hhhh your funny! i did not accuse him of anything read again i said MAYBE and i did not say all men i said MOST men i did not say it is a sign i said IT COULD BE A SIGN take care.

        • u also assumed lot of arabic man act like this. i am arabic woman, really have happy married arabic couples . I met most of a certain origin who were so bad with their wives but i would not say it cos i know i might be wrong and haram to say this race are most this or most this.....

          she is only 40, she is not that old, why he would go for a younger. Plus from her 30's, he been like this. would not make sense. I agree with Mohamed, u should not assume such thing even u are not accusing, but tht kind of assumption can put her down.

  2. Salaam.

    Firstly I am disgusted to read a Muslim woman, a mature woman who is well in her middle age, asking if Zina is an option. You should Repent for even contemplating this thought, have you no respect for yourself? Zina is not option UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER.

    ALLAH HAS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ZINA.

    First off if you feel that you are not being fulfilled sexually and lovingly by your husband, then he is not doing his duties as a Muslim man. Women have just as many sexual desires and in most cases it seems further on in life women have more desires. He must do his duties and satisfy you, he is displeasing Allah by not doing this.

    If you have spoken to him and he does not respond, (you must try one last time), then you should divorce him and look for another man to marry and be intimate with that man. Allah knows best, so take guidance from Allah, do not commit zina under any circumstances.

    Speak to him one last time, you must for the sake of your marriage, it's a marriage not a phone contract which you can end easily, if he does not change his ways or become a more loving and intimate husband then divorce him, once the divorce is complete find yourself a new husband the correct way.

    May Allah give you the strength to get through this difficult time and may Allah give you comfort and May Allah give you and every Muslim the strength to fight off the shaytaan and not commit an disgusting and vile sin like zina. Ameen.

    • i agree with brother muhammad

    • Assallamu alaikum,
      I will say one thing about the comments on this site. Where is the compassion? Yes the thought of even commiting zina it sinful, but the way it seems that some brothers and sister on this site attack people is truly frightning. We are all br sister in Islam and we should deal with each other with compassion. We do follow the Sunnah of the Prophet(pbuh) do we not? Our love and compassion for one another is one thing that set us apart from the rest of this crazy dunya. Please let us try to remember this when e speak to one another.

      Jazakallah khair

  3. you both have start commenting on each other can u suggest her what is final suggestion from both of you. I am continue reader of problems but not giving reply as dont have that much creativitng / knowledge

  4. Dear unhappy sister, As-salamu alaykum,

    The answer is no, zinaa is not an option. It is a major sin.

    Although divorce is not liked, it is allowed exactly for situations like this. Ask your husband for a divorce. If he does not agree, pursue khul'ah and seek the divorce yourself. His inability to have children, and lack of sexual attention, are both legal grounds for divorce.

    After that, find yourself a healthy Muslim man who will make you happy, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Assalamu alaykum my beloved sister in islam,

    May Allah (swt) guide you to the straight path and May He clear your mind and heart from any doubts and the urge of commiting a sin.

    Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “If any servant of Allah afflicted with distress or grief makes this supplication, his supplication will be accepted: ‘O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of your maidservant. My forehead is in Your hand. Your command conceming me prevails, and Your decision concerning me is just. I call upon You by every one of the beautiful names by which You have described Yourself, or which You have revealed in Your book, or have taught anyone of Your creatures, or which You have chosen to keep in the knowledge of the unseen with You, to make the Qur’an the delight of my heart, the light of my breast, and remover of my griefs, sorrows, and afflictions‘.” A supplication in these words will be answered. Allah will remove one’s affliction and replace it with joy and happiness.

    Make continues dua and remember that Allah(swt) is more merciful to you than your own mother....
    I love you all for the sake of Allah,

    fi aman Allah
    Your sister in islam

  6. I'd suggest you to fast for a several days in a row. This would work better on long summer days but since it's winter time now almost fasting may not be as effective.

    Last Ramadan after a few days of fasting my sex drive had become so low and weak...it was wonderful and it was the best feeling. I'd recommend you to try that also. Plus you might get sawab for extra nafl fasting so there's no harm in trying.

  7. Naila, I do understand your situation. My husband is exactly the same, in fact worse, if I may be so bold to say. I, too, am a non-arab woman married to an arab, although I am not sure if culture has anything to do with this. I am stuck in a loveless, sexless and boring marriage. I have no idea what is wrong with him. Everyone tells me I am very attractive and I also take good care of my body, and I have been educated in prestigious universities in Europe and North America. Believe me, I have turned to every source from Islamic texts to open western books and magazines to "seduce" my husband or earn attention from him - but it all does not work. Right from the early days of marriage to the present (8 years) - this man has always been cold, rude and indifferent towards me. Worse still, I have found numerous evidence of him spending time with many Arab women outside, even though there was no sex involved ( I have talked to several of these women). He simply enjoys the company of these women and would take them out for dinners and drinks, buying them gifts and calling them every single day for long chats. He would not even have a decent conversation with me at home, running off to the study at every excuse he could find. I would cry all the time, and the marriage has killed me inside.

    I have wondered if turning to another man for sex and attention on the secret would solve the problem. In fact, it did happen one time, and I am so ashamed of it. My husband left me for 14 months because he claimed he was tired of being with me, and he said I would be getting divorce papers from his lawyer. I waited and no papers arrived. I was sick, broken, humiliated. And then I met a white guy who gave me EVERY attention a woman could possibly want. We wanted to get married but due to religious difference, it did not happen. One day, my husband returned for me after 14 months and he took me to an Imam who verified we are still husband and wife. He said he wanted to start all over again and that he would change. I am shocked the Imam told me we are still married, as my husband has pronounced the divorce clearly no less than 10 times before he abandoned me.

    If anything, things are even worse now. He would be rude to me and tell me how he loves his family more than me. He went back dating other Arab women behind my back (honestly, I have lost every respect for these girls too). You know how some men give a little but take it all back. He also has a double personality - where he is sweet, charming and loving towards his family and all the arab friends he hangs out with, but speaks to me in a totally different and condescending tone. He doesn't give me money or have sex with me and I practically have to pay for most things I want (except groceries and housebills) from the research funding that I receive, which is minimal. I have considered divorce many times. However, I seem to hear a voice in me saying this is my trial from Allah and that He wants me to have sabr (patience) in bearing this problem and that I must persevere to pass this test until the right time comes for me to leave. I know some may think I am imagining this voice, but I am not.

    Naila, I advice you to be strong and have faith in Him. I know there are days when it is so damn hard and you feel like death would have been better. But God does not test us for nothing. Everyone has their tests, and this is yours to handle. Every action, every act of kindness, every patience, every forgiveness you show - Allah takes note of everything, and there is no futility in good deeds no matter how small. I am not saying you should not get a divorce and simply bear all the burden the best you can. Maybe there will come a time when you can no longer handle it and you would seek divorce officially. But rest assure that all the forgiveness, understanding, love and care you have shown to your husband - despite him not fulfilling his obligations - will not go to waste. Please stay away from zina. It happened to me, and my heart is full of regret and shame from what I did. I wish it never happened. Pleasure of the flesh is only for a moment, but imagine the torturous punishment in akhirat we have to bear later. Like Robert Frost wrote, pleasure is like a snow flake in a river, a moment white and then its gone forever. Zina is not worth it.

    Good luck and all the best to you!

  8. Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,

    My dear sisters in Islam, Naila and Su, I want to say that I cried when I read both of your posts. I feel the pain, frustration and heartache in every word. I also feel the hopelessness and pain of rejection that you feel from your husbands. I know that you must feel unattractive or fat or deficient in every way because of this lack of love and affection. I have been there. I was trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage built on deceit and lies. In fact, I posted my story here earlier this year:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/how-can-i-forgive-him-and-desire-him-again/

    The advice that Sister Noorah gave me was SPOT ON! I especially want you, Su, to read what she wrote about how we allow ourselves to suffer needlessly in a bad marriage because we believe that it's our Muslim duty to 'be patient' and 'stand by our men', therefore sticking around to be (literal and/or metaphorical) punching bags for abusive men. If he is not treating you right, even after he's been told time after time how much it hurts you, if he's not willing to at least meet you half way and discuss things and work on change, then trust me, IT WON'T GET BETTER sisters! Allah knows best, but in just about every situation like this that I have seen, including my own, it got worse. Those online meetings with women turn in to live, in-the-flesh meetings and sooner or later, something sexual is bound to happen. There is nothing wrong with being kind and forgiving but that does NOT mean that we have to torture ourselves by staying in marriages to men who don't love us or appreciate us and who can't be bothered to fear Allah SWT in regard with their dealings with us. NEVER consider zina, it's a huge and disgusting evil and you're only hurting yourselves. Why, when Allah SWT in His wisdom gave us rights in these matters? You have the RIGHT to divorce losers like this!

    Don't be swayed by emotional blackmail in regard to the children either. Do you think that your children won't be affected by their mother being miserable every day of their lives? Do yourselves a favor and LEAVE for the sake of your children! Then you can find someone to be in a loving, healthy Islamic marriage so that your children will have good role models in their lives.

    As for me, alhamdulillah I am in a better place than I was last year around this time or even earlier this year. My husband decided to divorce me earlier this year, as soon as he was deported back to his country, after I had told him that I would never be able to have a normal relationship with him. He has since told anyone who will listen that he deeply regrets this and wants to get back together (he had only given me one talaq) but I am NOT interested in a loveless, sexless marriage. I love myself so much now and I know that I deserve better. I met a wonderful brother who has expressed interest in marriage, but right now I am taking time to sort myself out.

    • I will make doaa for all of my sisters, may Allah SWT make it easy for all of us in staying on the right path and in having men in our lives who are on the deen, inshaAllah ya Rabb.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I have read the posts and my heart is only tearing apart. I am living in a loveless relationship built on utter dependency of my education and skills. I am a female who is educated in the west and my husband is from our homeland. He has taken me for granted financially, emotionally, intellectually...in every way. I allowed it and I feel I have no dignity left.

      He prays five times a day, but doesn't say salam to me when entering or leaving the house. He goes for Juma'ah, but eats his food before me and by himself. I feel like a 3rd class citizen around him and all he ever says to me is that I am rude and with no manners and he demands respect from me.

      When he came to this country, I sponsored him, paid for everything and I continually supported him thinking one day he will love me properly. He has taken my money again and again, and sexually he never ever satisfies me. I feel as though I lose my dignity when I have to disclose this to him and to feel like I have to beg for love, makes me sickened. Nauseated. In fact, I resorted to throwing up and sometimes cutting myself on my wrists to make the emotional pain go away. He has no problem with getting oral sex, but wouldn't' dare kiss me on my lips properly or anywhere else. He wants to even have anal sex with me, which I have never said yes to, but says it is haraam for him to use a toy like a vibrator on me--even though the only way I ever get an orgasm is masturbating IN FRONT OF HIM. It is a completely lost cause.

      I have three children with him. He says he doesn't' believe that I do not enjoy sex with him, otherwise I would not have three children with him--this makes me feel even more disgusted because if a woman were to state what she desires, she is no good, but she can't say a thing. Sometimes, my greatest fear is, if I do go to Jannah, I do not want to be with him. He has caused huge emotional pain for me, I can't even begin to describe the daily feeling of rejection.

      I continue to work because I have no other choice. I am far more educated than him. I know the answer is to divorce him, but I feel scared and alone. I have no intention of committing zina, but I understand the feelings that were disclosed here. I do not want to judge anyone or be judged as I believe that is strictly in the hands of Allah to do so. Allah is the best of judges.

      I know that my biggest mistake is that I didn't speak up earlier in my marriage, but I was raised that if Allah were to have asked women to prostrate in front of anyone, it would have been our husbands. I spent all my time loving my husband and fulfilling his needs beyond a normal wife. I was even sending money back to his family on a monthly basis while no one in that household worked. At the end of the day, they gave the entire estate to their eldest son and nothing to my husband.

      Sometimes, I want to continue just cutting my wrists and I pray to Allah to make the pain go away for allowing myself to be degraded this way. I am really lost. I do not know how to make it through this life. The thing that gets me up each day are my children.

      The last time I was intimate with him, I was crying the entire time. He didn't even know. He never says one loving word. I have asked him, I have emailed him in detail of what to do as I was embarrassed to say it, I have tried sooooo many things, but it seems I am talking to a wall. If anyone does have suggestions, I would appreciate it. I know that Allah does not give more than we can bear, but I am feeling overwhelmed.

      May Allah protect us all and guide us on the straight path. Ameen. I seek Allah's forgiveness for my shortcomings and lack of strength.

      Saba

      • Assalam O Alaikum sister Saba,
        Sorry to hear what you are going through. Where is your family in all this suffering that you are bearing on your own? Please stop harming yourself. Look at your kids, I know it's easier said than done and it's everyday struggle but do you really want your children to grow up in such environment. Where father and mother are like south and north pole, have nothing in common, complete opposite. Would you want your son to grow up like his father? Please think carefully, life is short, you have every right to happiness just as any other person. Take charge of your life, put some responsibility on your husband and stop baby sitting him so that he may realize how difficult it is to earn and rear a family? For more detailed answer please log-in and write your question as separate question, but before doing so; do browse this forum to find other similar posts. You may find many similar posts with detailed helpful answers, which will save you time and effort of writing, submitting and waiting for replies.

        May Allah (swt) help you and other sisters in similar situations. Amin.

        Muhammad1982,
        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

        • Wa alaikum assalam,

          Thank you for the reply. My story is rather strange. I grew up in a very abusive home by both parents. Us siblings are not close at all and if anything, we have been used against each other and the real love in our family is missing. I do not know what it means to be a part of a family except that which I have created with my children. My family has no idea what I am going through and they would be of no support to me. I married my cousin so the problems that existed in my family from childhood were similar to his. It is a vicious cycle. I only came to this realization recently--I am now 35.

          There are a lot more details that are horrible that I leaving out. I am sharing this story for two reasons. First: to bring some peace and answers into my life. 2nd: To bring awareness to other women and men of ISLAM. I believe that if we fixed all marriages, more than 90% of our problems would go away if not all. The main problem is our failed marriages. I am tired of hearing that sex is not important. I think the only people that say that are the ones that ARE SATISFIED!!!! And if anyone used their brain you would see that the greatest crimes committed are over sex, money and power.

          I know I should be strong for my children and I am. Whatever I do to myself is completely by myself and they have no idea. I shared it here because today, I felt like a glass being filled with water and it came to the brim and I could not take it anymore. Maybe this is part of my healing journey. I don't know.

          The one thing that I found in your response is that I am not crazy and that there is a problem. All the time, my husband tells me that I am the one with the problem or that I am the one with the issue. He says he is happy and content.

          When I veer away from "baby-sitting" him, he ignores me more and gives me more mental and emotional anguish. He simply pretends that I do not exist. What hurts the most, is that he knows that I hurt myself and will be in the next room and will not come in once to stop me. I feel like he is a cruel person, but for some reason I can't stop the power he has over me. I feel like I am a disgrace and I feel disgusted with myself even more.

          I will write a separate response too--I want to, especially if others are suffering similarly. My childhood was very horrible, I thought he would be my knight in shining armour. I don't know why Allah is testing me because I feel as though i have failed this test miserably and I just want to be at peace and feel happiness. I thought marriage should bring dignity and respect, but it brought be disgrace and feelings that I can't describe.

          One thing I would implore to people is that, never say you don't understand and judge someone--some trial/tribulation may come upon you to make you understand. Please let us listen to each other and find solutions--no room to make judgemental comments please.

          May Allah guide us and then keep us guided. Ameen.
          Saba

      • Sister Saba. Your life is my life. My husband bullies me into have sex and I always cry afterwards because I feel as if I have been raped. He hever takes no for an answer and I feel that he only used me to get a visa. I also pray to Allah to send me an angel to comfort me and love me so I can get through these long cold days of my life. May Allah help you and all others likeme and you. Please update me on your situation.

  9. One thing that I want to address is something that sister Nadheerah said, about Arab men. It seems to be a common theme based on stories I have heard from others and the sisters on this site. For some reason (and no offense to my Arab brothers), Arab men seem to marry women for security, stablilty, comfort, procreation etc (or for other devious reasons but that's another story) but they don't seem to want to seek sexual satisfaction or intimacy with their wives. For them it seems like the wife is a necessity like money, food, clothing; someone to be utilized and enjoyed on a superficial level. Almost all of the Arab men that I know personally or have heard about, cheat on their wives and seek out other women for their sexual and emotional needs.

    I apologize for the generalization and I'm not trying to offend anyone but really I am trying to understand this. I have heard this story over and over again, from women of many different backgrounds but what we all had in common is Arab husbands. I even met one very evil man who was bragging about how he prefers women from X, Y, and Z country and they make him the most happy but of course he will marry a woman from his country and keep a girlfriend from X, Y or Z country on the side.

    Is there something in the culture that tells men that they must get married, and that wives are for superficial comforts but that he should seek out other women to fulfill his deeper needs?

    • Khadija, I know you say you are not trying to offend anyone, but as an Arab man I am somewhat offended. I never cheated on my wife or even thought about it, and I know so many Arab men who are good, decent, faithful men.

      Is unfaithfulness more common among Arab men than non-Arabs? I have no idea. If it is, there might be some cultural reasons for it. I'll think about it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • What is this talking. My husband is a pure arab man , plus he is from gulf and I'm happily married, all my friends also. I have friend who is quite similar case but her husband is euopean converted. If you read posts here, you can find also cases where husbands are Indian, Pakistani but that could not be related to culture.

      I'm a girl and really offended for the Arab men who are wonderful husbands.
      I have 4 brothers married, my sister in law are also happily married.

      Its easy to say things but as Arab girl I don't agree a all. I always been looking for Arab husband cos I find most of them comparing other cultures better n taking care of his wife and family.
      Me , I moved to his country recently,have not found a job yet, I feel bad cs he pays fr everything , as I raised in Europe, I'm not used to that. And he told me once, even if u get a job, your salary will be your pocket money, while me only reason I want to work is to help, at least to pay myself my own ticket to home country. And that's not rare among arab men, they usually take care of their woman.

      As in all nationalities, you can find some bad guys. But woman should also be careful and choose a pious man and good personality.

      So I feel offended on behalf of all Arab men 🙂 it's pity people hear sad stories and they generalize them.

      I would show you many beautiful stories and shw you how wrong you are.

    • I am part Arab, i was raised in the Arab community, i genuinely have never heard of any Muslim Arab man in my community cheat on his wife, not a single one!!! and if there was one that did, i would fully expect for him to be blacklisted by the Arab community, it would not be acceptable, so i am really surprised by what your saying, Arab women are also pretty damn fiery, i don't know how a man would get away with what your saying, a man cheating on his wife in an Arab Community is a massive massive deal, under contrary to what your saying from what i have seen, Pakistani men cheating on their wives, is no big deal, in that sense that nobody within the culture will question him, since he is a man, funny how perspective can be so different
      perhaps this is dependable on where your from in the world, one group may stand out as more responsible for certain behaviors then others,

      the exact way in which you have described your understanding of Arab men, i have found to be my understanding of South Asian men,
      i work with with women who have been victims of domestic violence/homeless in the UK, there are so many South Asian women who are victims/in need, that they have hostels for them alone, and suites for only SA women, no other background!! they nearly all have a similar tale of woe, they were married for convenience, many brought over from abroad, to serve, to have children, etc their husbands abuse them, and are out all hours chasing anything that moves for sexual gratification,

      maybe its different in different countries, but Pakistani men are famous for this behaviour in the UK, in my experience

      but i believe evil men are evil men, good men are good men, and those who fear Allah are NOT going to abuse their wives regardless of their background, ,also Arab culture changes from country to country, please realise this....

  10. As salaamu alaykum waramatullahi wabarakatuh,

    Unhappy Naila, subhana'Allah, I was so shocked reading your post, because I am in a situation that very identical to yours, and Allah (azzawjall) knows best.

    I am recently turned 36 years old and have been married for about 7 years to a brother. He is 12 years older than me, but we are both of the same American culture. Like you, I am denied intimacy. He doesn't initiate intimacy with me at all! More than that, he doesn't kiss me, hug me, NOTHING! If I ask, he gets angry. On the few occassions we were intimate, it's me who initiated it, but I always end up hating I did so because his entire attitude about being intimate with me makes me feel horrible inside! There are no caresses, no sweet words, NOTHING, just him climbing on top and doing his business. I know he's unattracted to me, as he's blatantly stated such, but he won't divorce me. It's to the point now I don't share the bed with him anymore. I have given him the bedroom and I sleep in my daughter's room. Just to lie next to him has become unbearable for me. What's the point anyway? When he's not working, he's holed up in that room with his laptop anyway. I'm not saying he's doing anything bad online, as I don't know what he does anyway. *shrug* What to do? Well, for one, zina is never the answer. Trust you me, I can understand your frustration.

    Yet, what Su said really caught my attention, about having sabr. I honestly feel that that's what I should do, continue to exercise sabr and make du'ah, du'ah, and even more du'ah, insha'Allah!

    I honestly know of no other way to handle this situation, insha'Allah.

    May Allah (azzawajall) help us all, ameen!

  11. Kindred Spirit, I am sorry to hear about your plight. Like Khadija implied, perhaps muslim women tend to go through unnecessary pain in their marriage for the sake of being a good wife. However, there is no copy and paste solution here. Only you yourself can assess how far and willing you are to keep the marriage going. For me, I stay in the marriage because I just want to forgive. Secondly, I have learned to find other happiness in life far more worthy than any man can give me. I have also lived alone for 14 months while my husband left - only to realise that the divorced/separated woman faced many temptations that could totally lead us astray and compromise our Iman.

    However, if you have any proof of your husband sleeping with other women - it should be best to leave him.

    Overall, I am disappointed in the hypocrisy of the Arab culture. When things were good in the beginning, my husband's family was all sweet and respectful to me. When problems happened, you are no longer like their "daughter". When I later discussed my problem with my mother and sister in law - their quick reaction was to shift the blame to me and protect my husband. They said if my husband does not desire me, it is totally my fault for not being desirable enough and that he has a right to socialise with or kiss any women he wants. However, their own girls in the family are guarded with zeal and care, and not allowed to go out on their own except to school or work. In any situation, they only have the interest of their own flesh and blood and in keeping the honour and reputation of their own family. It did not matter how rude and wicked the women in my husband's family treated me - all he ever cared was that the Prophet said a man has to respect and honour his mother, and thus the old lady and his sisters could do no wrong and got away with everything. When my husband abandoned me, his family called me and told me to never speak to them or bother them again. A quick call and they all disappeared from my life completely. I found out from a mutual friend, they were all feasting, singing and dancing at a cousin's wedding that weekend while my whole life fell apart. When he came back, their calls came back too. It did not occur to them once that I gave up - my country, my family, my friends, my career - to marry and be with their son.

    If I am honest - I would say that I will likely never want to be involved with any Arab man again, although to be fair, I must say there must definitely be some good Arab men and families out there.

    • Excuse HIS family is hypocrit and not the Arab culture. Do not becne racist hats not fair for us.

      • Yes, do a favor, do not marry an Arab again, you might not choose him well, then you will say ahhh this is cos he is an Arab. Choose from your nationality and stop being so unfair. I'm married to an Arab, and if I was not, I would always look for an arab but I would choose him correctly. I have just heard few days ago my Italian friend revert to Islam who married a Pakistani few years ago, now she is divorcing cos he slept around and never at home and have become arrogant since he got manager. U know what she told me, she would never marry a Pakistani again and I told her he was bad but not his nationality. I'm Arab from Belgium, in news just months ago (u can check), a pakis man killed his woman while they were arguing.

        And still, I never get racist about Asian, and I will never because otherwise I would be closed minded. So just do me a favor, don't marry an Arab pls loool

  12. I read a few questions on this website.. and I wondered in my self that how many favors of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'aala are we denying.. I mean let alone thinking him.. we don't even know that this is his favor.. that we Alhamdulillah do smiles.. we want to love our wife.. we want to be social, to be intimate, to respect her.. and help each other become the best Muslims we can be..

    And we just DON'T Even THINK about this.. let alone thanking Allah Subhanahu Wa ta'ala for these infinite blessings of our beloved lord on us.

    Allah Subhana hu Wa ta'ala is indeed the greatest. And I am thankful to him that he has blessed me..

    Alhamdulillah e Rabil Aalameen..

  13. Salam sister,

    I haven't read everything that's written up on this wall but from your initial statement, I wonder if he is autistic which includes asperger syndrome. This is a lifelong disability, occuring in wide range of spectrum, being more common in boys than girls. They have difficulty in communication, socialising, and some abnormal behavious. The have trouble in forming intimate relationships. I wonder whether he's had much close relationship with his family or his mother.

    If you suspect if such is a case, please seek medical advice.

  14. Salams to all,

    be careful with your in-laws. They have a sweet tongue in the beginning, but a mother who carried a child

    in her womb for 9 months can't be objective. They will always defend their sons. Too many cooks spoil

    the broom; Try to solve the problems at home or seek some professional advice from a third person.

    Involving families is too risky. In terms of hypocracy: It's right that many Arab men want their wives

    to be modest and chaste in marriage, whereas they get their pleasure somewhere else. That's not

    because of Islam, but because in many Arab cultures they are raised that way. The wife is not somebody

    you enjoy your youth with- but a way of building a family. Before they either commit zina or betray

    them in marriage. The mother of children, in their opinion, shouldn' t be seductive or enjoy sex. That's only

    reserved for, I'm sorry, the "slut"( in their eyes) who doesn't wear hijab and in their opinion doesn't

    deserve respect. I don't know when that will change. Or how.

  15. dear sisters
    assalamalaikum i stay in india iam 25 years having two kids and married for 5 years iam also facing same situations as yours i hav communicated with my husband about this problem but he doesnt response to me now iam totally depressed we both have a difference of 7 years many frenz of mine say that iam attractive but he doesnt get attracted towards me i have cried fought with him but my husband doesnt response and he gets angry with me and stops speaking for days together where i have to ask him sorry after begging him so much for him to forgive me i dont knw why he is doing this to me and i hav to force him to get physical intimacy this not the problem only with arab men but also with indian i have decided to live with him only for the sake of my daughters

    • am also an indian house wife whos is stuck with this same kind of prblm with husband.i have posted here my worry to get remedial measures. as it remains pending i didnt get any advice so far....but reading this post n replies gives me the reply to my prblm.am desperately looking each day for a suggestion or advice but in vain.....but whn i read this i felt my problem is also being answered thru this. am in such a situation like u suffer n i live for my son who is just abt to b 5. all my words to my husband seemed to b a total waste as he never takes any of mine n simply blames me tht all shuch expressions of love r a show off. how can we go deep into their heart n look for the love they have for us?that they have to show to us. am completely trapped in this...i dont know the ways to express my situatiion to my parents too as am worried they will b so unhappy hearing my life is a failure. i think he wants me only as a nameboard for him to b attached together as wife.now i really feel like getting away frm his life....but i dont know how i will start with.otherwie i will have to spend my life as a sacrifice.
      May Allah Almighty show us the right path n help us to find the real happiness of our life.

    • Assalam-Alekum,
      Sister 'sam' and 'chins', I think you have the similar problem that your husband does not show affection towards you. I think the problem with some brothers is that they think if they open up to their wives then perhaps they are showing their weakness or are being less of a man. I think this behavior is quite prevalent in subcontinent, and perhaps in other places also. Some men think that showing affection to their wives is perhaps an action that shows their weakness or consulting their wife in family/business/job matters perhaps shows their weakness that they cannot handle the problem. Therefore they normally do not discuss these problems when they come home, and keep quite while trying to solve them in their mind which closes the lines of communication in the family.

      The reason for this I beleive is that men are physically made strong by Allah s.w.t and women are made emotionally strong by Allah s.w.t. After marriage its the duty of the husband to change himself and also become emotionally strong to fulfill the needs of the wife and children. (On the other hand wife does not need to become physically strong to discuss the matters with husband.) The problem occurs when the husband refuses to develop himself emotionally and closes himself due to the reasons mentioned in above paragraph. This emotional unavailability or lack of emotions from the husband appears as a lack of love.

      Since the topic of showing affection to ones wife and children is sensitive and many 'ulema' do not bring it up in Friday sermons, therefore it also skips from brothers' minds. Brothers need to be reminded that being soft to one's family specially wife is really important. At start it might be difficult to be open to your wife but practice makes a man perfect.
      This reminds of a hadith:
      Al-Aswad narrated: "I asked Aicha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'" [Bukhari].

      This is prophet Muhammd (s.a.w.), who is a role model and he used to work for his family. Similarly consider this incident about Umar bin Khatab who was second caliph of Islam and is considered to be a really really strict man . This is the same Umar bin Khattab, who was called by Prophet Muhammd(s.a.w) to bring muslim army in control when Abu Hudhayfah bin ‘Utbah bin Rabi‘ah questioned on one of the orders of Prophet Muhamamd(s.a.w). Sister listen to this, this is interesting.

      ‘Umar – may Allah be pleased with him – was known for his strong personality. One day, a man quarrelled with his wife and came to ‘Umar to ask him advice on how to deal with her. When he stood at ‘Umar’s door and was about to knock, he heard ‘Umar’s wife shouting at him while ‘Umar remained silent. He neither shouted back, nor rebuked her! The man was amazed, and turned back to leave. ‘Umar heard a noise at the door, so he went out and called the man, “What do you need?” He said, “O Amir al-Mu’minin, I came to you to complain about my wife, but then I heard your wife shouting at you!” ‘Umar said, “She is my wife who sleeps with me, makes me food and washes my clothes. Shall I not be patient with her?”

      Many of our brothers will give example of Umar (r.a.) in different matters but this was his behavior with his wife, that she was shouting at him and he kept quite SubhanAllah 🙂 how many of my brothers do so. I am not saying that sisters should start shouting on their husbands, but husbands should have so much control and emotional strength to open up to their wives and family in matters of love, happiness, sorrow etc.

      I wish I could directly write this to brothers but I hope I am able to make my point. Hope it helps.

      regards,

      • Assalamualikkum Concerned ...thankz a lot for giving us a piece of information. But how can it work in our life...this is a matter which i have thought abt .....but how far can one live under such circumstances? whn i open up such a matter with my hubby ,if he had anything to tell me abt his inability to express of even if he was guilty of not being able to give me a happy life,then i would stick with him with all my patience n support him to get over whtever prblms he has. but thts not the case here....he never believes tht he is not on right track ,but adamently believes tht he is a perfect husband n he can do nothing more than this.but wht he does.... he never kisses me on his own feeling,never touches me,he never say any sweet words to me, never had any fun time being we 2 alone, to spent some time cuddling....these r all my dreams n these r all undone to me.i never experienced any of such moment in my 8 years of this married life.I dream n love to b in any such situation without me initiating.am a woman who loves to b loved a lot and also to give my abundance of love to our spl person...but all such feelings are still unexressed as it has got no any value in this life. I always tell him tht Allah will punish u for being with me like this...but he just simply laughs at as if am mad. He is not very keen into salah n all but he blvs Islam as well respects Allah. But islamic activities r not seen in him.Tht was also my dream to get a man who got islamic values...but i dont knw y everything opposite to my dream n desire happened in my life.... Sometimes me too burst out of my feelings n think if Allah is not with me........ y He did so n so to me.....but still i go bak to HIm as He is the only One who can give the solution. But so far i find no any way to either find happiness with him or to get rid of this. I cant say he is a bad man...he is good in many sense.....but to me as am his wife...i dont knw. I care for others feelings just bcoz of that reason am still living in this life...my parents ,my in laws my own self dignity. all will b hurt if i bring up this prblm....my parents knw somewht of it but i keep them happy saying hes changing.....even though i feel any change in him towards me( ofcourse me initiating) but thts only within a limit. many doubts arise in me if he got any other relation or so n so.....i even doubt if he is not interested in women. mind is totally restless.....how to make a decision n how to bring b4 everyone...am not sure of.
        as u mentioned if friday sermons said something relating this tht mite bring a change in such mankind...but only for those who wait to hear it.
        Wht shud i do to get happiness in my life?? plz help...

        • It is a myth to believe that happiness in life can only be attained through a fulfilling marriage, or having a man next to you. No man can complete you, the best union is that established between you and God. There is a blessing in everything, even the most obscure. My husband's indifference towards me has made me turn closer to God and realised He is my true lover. In fact the more alone you are, the easier this gets because you don't really have a choice. I have heard many people told me I need to get a divorce and find another man, but I always tell myself - why would I want to fall in love with a mere human, when I am better off focusing my adoration to my Creator and feeling at peace within myself. Obviously, if you follow some sufi teachings, this is much easier. I can also get up at past midnight and do all my prayers and zikr as much as I want with no husband begging for sex or the children crying for attention. In short, you have less distraction in life to do what you are meant to do on this earth - which is to worship and adore God. After a while, you start to feel blessed for having a dysfunctional marriage.

          So why keep the husband around anyway, you may ask? Why not just divorce or dump the useless bugger? Well, when you are done with all the crying, grieving and heartbreaking over your plight, you may realised that having him around is actually quite useful. Its tough for a woman to live alone sometimes in this hard world, and having a man around the house is rather practical. You may need to get tough repairs to your home , or someone to carry heavy groceries, or pay the bills, or escort you to events and functions (whatever reason you may have, depending on the woman), and voila ! that's where you have one up against the woman who decide to stay single - you actually have someone for these practical purposes! See how great God is?

          Always look on the bright side!

          However, if your husband is abusive or sleeps around with other women - just walk out and leave. Don't even try to find reasons to stay.

          • AssalamuaAlikkum Su....
            I very well understand u. but in my case he is not a man with me always working abroad visits only for 2 months in a long period. and i live in his house surrendering all our likes n dislikes for them, have to lead a total adjusted life.Inorder to gain the happiness of a husband ,a woman would readily suffer n adjust to any situation as she needs her husband , as their life should go on. If am in such a situation, i have no any complaints abt my in laws as am happy in a way.but still we hv to face so much of mental unmatching of many values and leading a total compromised life.All our freedom r adjusted to their likes.Here when i get no love frm my husband ..... wht for am living in his house.
            If i had any clue as u mentioned sleeping with aother women, i would have fled from his life,no doubt. but here am trapped.am not tht smart enuf to react to any of such situations i face.....mite b hes making use of it. as he is abroad i have no any idea of his mingling with ladies n friends.in his 2 months time hes here with me...he loves to spend most of his time with his frnds...he always go to them...he got a large circle of frnds i guess. once i got 2 pornography cds.but he never agrees tht its his. but am sure he only brought it. but wht for all those?? many unaswered questions r within me.
            Iam praying Allah always ....he has given me enuf strength to cope with this situation ,not to fall in life. but now am in search for another thing ...if i found him untrusty there...i would react n i will let my parents knw,i pray ii shud b able to. Being in another house i cannot lead a life u suggest . so plz help me n suggest me with more ideas tht will help me somehow.

  16. To Brother Mohammed , while you have given very good advice, I dont think it was very nice of you to say

    'disgusted to read a Muslim woman, a mature woman who is well in her middle age, asking if Zina is an option'

    becos she's mature and of middle age is the very reason why she has thought about it. I am not supporting zina, I am only saying you shouldn't describe people feelings as such. This is someone who is frustrated and has come out into the open for advice. I would find it very hard to believe in 10years of marriage, a human being hasn't for once thought of zina. It 's just that such a thought shouldnt be entertained but as per just crossing your mind i think its normal especially when you are under pressure.

    I have been married for 8 years now, and see my husband once or twice a year for ~5 weeks in total. How bad can that be? I have thougt about zina SEVERAL times. So much that I wonder how Allah will forgive me for those thoughts but the good news is I find it hard to bring myself to do it cos I understand its implications.

    when responding to posts please show compassion. I pray Allah does not put any of us in circumstances that make us compromise our faith. I tell you it can be hard......... I've been there!

    • salaam,

      i am sorry to here all this, i need advised too. i have told my husbend its over, but he is in denial. he stays in the same house, we have nothing in comon, he has been rejecting me for the last 5 years, and now it come to a point that im geting a divorce, he wont let me go and im having feelings to look for someone, i have kids and they see us argue. and i hate him

  17. I agree about the autism possibility. I'm studying to teach children with autism-a social disorder in which at its most severe people are perfectly content to live in their own world and not talk,look at or acknowledge another human being's presence. Treatment works best with younger children, so I don't think even getting a diagnosis this late in his life would help-I would still recommend that this lady go to apply to a divorce with an imam or with the state.
    So don't regard it as anyone's fault really. He may not be at all aware of how much distress he is causing you. In fact, physical contact amongst autistic people can feel sort of painful to them-It is too overwhelming and too overstimulating, unless they are socialized and put into therapy. Parents of autistic children often complain of never getting any hugs or kisses, at least until years later when they are being given therapy by trained professions.

    Here is a link in case you want more info:http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001526.htm

  18. Asa

    I want to thank everyone who has replied. I just want to clarify that I married at 35 but kept myself free from zina always...I married to protect myself from zina but even then I ended up in a loveless marriage...i dont think it is fair..i have only thought of zina..not done it..and of course can never really do such a thing..as I know of the sins...i am just so frustrated.

    Also..to nadheerah...no..mu husband does not commit zina..so please dont assume such a bad thing..he is generally a very good islamic man...just doesnt have any interest in people..he doesnt have any friends or social skills even though he is very polite and friendly to people but he doesnt attract people as he is not an engaging person so men dont really like his company..he is very boring..

    Sara and Unity...its very insightful for you both to suggest autism...i have mentioned it to him myself in the past that i think he is autistic as he doesnt seem to need any friends or social interaction..he calls his sisters and brother regularly but he is mostly happy in his room with his laptop which he uses for learning computer languages and reading arab news..he is not into porn or other women...i know this..i know his good and bad habits...in 8 years in the UK he has not made one friend and when the people in his office go for team building outings he is always chosen to be the one left behind alone..this breaks my heart when he tells me..but it affirms my belief there is something wrong with him...

    I have asked him to give me a divorce for many years..and asked him to leave my house but he refuses and eventually things go back to normal until our next row...i am fed up as i keep forgiving him because i feel sorry for him but he is ruining my life...he is now become very abusive and swears at me infront of my 4 year old daughter who has developed ezema because of the stress she feels from the both of us.

    Please can somone tell me how I get him out of my house and how I go about getting a divorce as he wont give me one and I dont know how to get a khulla.

    many thanks and god bless all of you for your helpful words

  19. Assalaam alaikum sisters

    I too am in a loveless marriage and have been for 15 years. My husband displays exactly the same type of behaviour pattern described by many of you.

    My husband's family is from azad kashmir and I am an English Muslim.

    Early on in my marriage I would try so hard to please and entice him- he would respond reluctantly and then I would feel completely disgusted with myself as his actions were so forced and there was no real feeling behind them - I actually felt quite unclean. I would often burst into tears. He would then accuse me of being ungrateful and that I didn't deserve his affection - a term he often uses.

    Weekends he would just sit on the sofa,watch tv, fall asleep for most part of the day. It would drive me up the wall. I felt like a single mother. He would be quite happy to watch me struggle with the kids, the home, instilling discipline, islam etc. interaction was minimal. The kids would often get frustrated with him too. When guests came to the house, which is rare as he hates socialising, he wouldn't welcome them - he would often sit in the same room and fall asleep. It was really awful and embarassing. But i was forever making excuses for his behaviour. I began to feel like he was punishing me in a covert way for nagging, for being too emotionally needy and funnily enough i began to believe that I was the one in the wrong and fully deserved his hostility and if only I stopped would he change.

    He would publically humiliate me over such small things. For example when we were going abroad he wanted to upgrade himself only to business class and expected me to sit in economy with all the kids - when I emphasised to him that it was a 10 hour flight and our youngest was only 8 months and that I needed him to help with the other two and plus it was a family holiday - he went ballistic in front of the kids and (others around waiting to check in) swore at me and stormed off. This is just a very small example of the daily abuse I get from him. If ever I say anything supportive or not he blows his top and usually goes into a tirade of verbal abuse. Now we just don't speak to each other.

    We are living separate lives but together. I cannot ask him for any of my emotional and physical needs - when I have in the past he says I don't deserve'' his love or affection. So now I just don't bother. We sleep in separate rooms. We do our own thing. I hate living like this and it has made me quite ill not being able to have my needs fulfilled in my marriage.

    I don't think about committing sins but what I do think about is having the courage to leave because it is making me so ill. I recently lost my father- the week before my father's passing Alhamdullilah i gave birth to a baby boy after 3 girls. My husband decided he didn't want to attend the birth because he didn't want to ''support me.'A day later his mum arrived to stay and they both verbally bullied me whilst I had a newborn in my arms and my father was dying in hospital.

    You may think well what drives a man to treat his wife with such hostility? Surely the wife must be doing something negative? Yes I am sure I am to contribute,especially with my emotional outbursts but not once has my husband apologised for his actions or acknowledged he does anything wrong not even when during my father's death when it was witnessed by others - he has always accused me of being unstable to the point I began to believe it and starting to doubt myself for so long.

    Then subhanallah I stumbled across a book called ''Living with the passive aggressive man'by Scot Wetzlerand alhamdullilah my husband was described perfectly to every letter. After reading the book I have started to view him differently and realised that actually he has such deep rooted issues i feel sorry for him - no longer do I see him as the cruel man but more like a wounded, scared lost child, desperate for love. I urge you sisters to read it. You can buy it off amazon. It may help you like it did me to understand your situation and develop strategies to cope short term or long term.

    I have strong faith in Allah and insha allah believe that Allah will guide me to do what is right as long as I keep my intentions pure.

    I make dua to all those sisters that Allah(swt) gives you strength to cope with this difficult situation. Ameen

    • Asalaam alaikum Sister Sawsan,

      Can you share the advice that you are implementing in your marriage? As many of these sisters live in countries wherein the book cannot be easily found. It would be nice to hear a woman's perspective in real world application.

  20. Sorry I typed the last line incorrectly - very late

    I make dua for all the sisters, May Allah (swt) give you strength to cope with this very difficult situation. Ameen

  21. Assalam Alaikum Professor x

    What i have finally realised is that my husband's behaviour is a result of deep inner issues stemming from childhood and NOT because of me. That is the first thing I urge the sisters to accept that his issues are precisely that - HIS issues NOT yours.

    No matter what you do to try and change - his( the passive aggressive's man) perception of you will not change because he is programmed from an early age that dependency is a weakness and is feared and independence is to be valued. This is a result of the environment he was brought up in where he was unable to learn how to express anger in a healthy way and perhaps love and security were limited too. He was taught that he did not 'deserve'his needs to be met. Therefore he is eternally carrying repressed anger and resentment without even realising it and this results in his inability to connect with you on all levels emotionally.

    You are only there for his needs (another reason for his inability to connect with you) You are an extension of him and your purpose is to be the object of his hostility. Please read this website if you can't access the book http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm it outlines what this behaviour is. I am not a psychologist, unfortunately, but thought I would give the sisters some background into this personality type.

    However if you can get hold of the book please do as it is far more explicit in discussing the reasoning behind the behaviour and why it results in certain actions and negative traits such as sulking, detaching, with holding affection, love and sex.

    Once you have gained this knowledge you will start seeing your husband as a wounded child - a man who hasn;t grown up - yearns deeply for love but is scared to show it for fear of being rejected - just like in his childhood.

    The passive aggressive man has learnt from a young age that it is not correct to express feelings or have one's needs met. Hence his adversity to it as an adult - he fears the repercussions of showing his needs, thus he is unable to understand the needs of others and grows up to be the adult who is highly insecure but guards and shields this insecurity using covert methods.

    When I realised what was going on in my marriage ie the above I felt deeply sorry for my husband and decided that it is my duty to help him. After all he is the father of my kids and I do love him. It is only his negative behaviour that I loathe.

    My first strategy was to stop reacting. How did I do this? I began to recognise that his lack of attention, sulkiness, detachment, constant negativity, lack of emotion were his ways of pushing my buttons - punishing me. So I now busy myself quickly into doing something else. Remove myself physically from the situation. Distract myself with the kids or grab a book. I even do zikr.

    If it gets really ridiculous I just ask him directly if there is anything that he needs and to ask me clearly what it is that he wants. It does work most times.

    Instead of focussing on his negative traits I constantly praise him for all his efforts and do the above when he reacts negatively. Remember he is a wounded child who needs constant support and craves love believe it or not.

    If he asks to do something that conflicts with myself or the family ie ( a bit like the business class incident) I just empower him by allowing him to decide whether he thinks it's the right thing and to do it if he feels he wants to 9/10 times it works now. It's pointless having a discussion as it results in an argument so I have found that this is the best way.

    These are just a few strategies I use but there are many more you can develop yourself according to your individual situation. The key here is to understand it is a condition and find out more about this behaviour - there is a wealth of information on the internet and it isn't just men from the subcontinent or the middle east apparently 1 out of 3 men in the uk suffer from this - scary.

    Feel mercy for your husband and realise he is a damaged child who needs just as much love and support as we do as women but perhaps in a different way we understand. That's why we must gain this understanding before we make any rash decisions.

    I know it's easier said than done because this is his nature and you can't change that but you can change the way he behaves towards you by changing your reactions towards his negativity - if you decide you want to make it work.

    I suppose it is like a sickness of the heart and it needs healing and perhaps you are the one who Allah (swt) has chosen to help this soul in the healing process. Who knows what lies underneath that cold, indifferent exterior - maybe the man of your dreams?? Obviously there are certain situations where even trying is not a choice.

    • Masha Allah sister Sawsan,
      I am sure many sisters who are in bad relationships in marriage will benefit from your advice, and see the things in different light. Thanks for sharing your story and the way you are coping with it all and helping your husband fight his childhood demons.
      May Allah (swt) help you all sisters to find peace, love, trinquility and respect in your marriages that you deserve. Amin

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

      • Alhamdulillah Sister Sawsan,

        This advice that comes from your personal experience is worth more than I could have expressed as you are living through it and making concessions and amends.

        The technique which you have garnered from your understanding is also known as reactionary change by emotional environmental change. Your reaction is also set by how you expose your husband to a different emotional confrontation or the lack of it, and likewise with emphatic reaction. These techniques are used more coarsely in bonding exercises, namely in the military. Yet unlike the "shock" of beating down of the ego in that environment, you are creating a nurturing and emotional environment.

        Insha'allah, I pray that you and all the sisters who venture to repair their relationships in this way are duly granted jannah as reward from the Almighty Allah (swt)!

        Thank you so much for your time and compassionate post.

    • I read what you wrote--but if independence is valued, why does my husband depend on me for EVERYTHING including earning money, dealing with our business, and even filling out a form! He has very little communications skills and loves to take credit for things. He lives in a complete pretend world. He does not want to acknowledge my abilities and provided me with nothing. Whenever I have lived on my own without him, I am happiest and I do not miss him. My children do not even make mention of him. I just do not have the heart to divorce him because I do not want to deal with the emotions of him name-calling me or dealing with this behaviour. I am extremely sensitive. I feel like we are a complete mismatch--especially because I am a "doer" and "go-getter" but he he needs guidance all the time, but doesn't acknowledge what I do for him. He does not have a career and lied to me about his education. I feel like the biggest fool.

  22. Jazak allah for your kind responses brother Muhammed1982 and Professor X.

    Professor X thank you for enlightening me to what I am actually doing - it is reassuring to know that hopefully in time my relationship with my husband will become healthier and more fulfilling.

    It's so easy to blame others or other things for the pain we are feeling whether it be a race, age, nationality or something else - defeats the object really. I personally feel, and I know everyone's situation is different and relative, so this is my view only - is that we all have foibles and that's why we turn to Allah (swt) 5 times a day to ask for forgiveness and his mercy for our weaknesses that may cause us to act in a way which we don't necessarily intend to do so.

    As a woman I do feel that I have far more of a greater understanding emotionally and am much stronger emotionally, that, if I weren't to help my husband in realising what he really is(a kind, sincere, compassionate man) then there is no point in being married.

    Yes marriage should be a place where you feel safe, happy, loved, adored etc but it is sometimes those very elements that take time to find and develop. The make-up of a man and woman is completely different. Men need unconditional respect and women need unconditional love. Two opposite ends of the spectrum.

    It takes time to get to know your partner to understand what makes them tick or what riles them. I've been married for 15 years and have four children and I'm still learning. I was quite young and naive when I got married and expected my husband to succumb to my every need but in this battle to fight for my needs only I lost sight that my husband also has needs.

    Perhaps his way is not one that I understood (my father was exceptionally loving towards my mother) and because my father was my only reference point I began to resent my husband as I thought 'well he doesn't love me, he is selfish, cruel and nasty' and yes he was from my perception of his actions but there was a reason for it - he has his own way of understanding what it means to love or be loved as explained in my previous comment.

    Marriage is half our deen, so it's not going to be easy- it will be an uphill struggle at times. But surely we are with our partners for a reason. Nothing happens without Allah (swt) permission. I believe I am with him for a reason and I know deep inside he has a pure heart. I have had to accept that I am emotionally the stronger one in the marriage and I need to make the changes because I know I can. Yes it would be easier for me to leave and start again but I fear that I haven't tried to my utmost capacity to make this God give union work and I will have to answer for that on the day of judgement.

    Also by changing one's reactions and setting a good example it will eventually affect those around you in a positive way including your husband and I feel it is strengthening me both emotionally and spiritually - alhamdullilah.

    I realise everybody's situation is different and I am not judging anyone - this is just my perspective.

    May Allah make it easy for us all Ameen

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Subhan'allah, for such a response, Sister Sawson.

      I've actually encountered a Muslim brother in a situation where the roles were reversed and he felt like he was pulling teeth while his wife was emotionally distant from him. She couldn't understand his affectionate need for emotional bonding and she was unable to match his intimate conversations of love and openness of the heart. He explained that he felt shunned and that she was giving him the cold shoulder constantly, though what she was doing was protecting herself from getting emotionally attached because of a family incident wherein she became paranoid of separation. She thus reacted by barely emotionally responding to him, and never allowing him emotional investment in her "just in case" things didn't work out and she wouldn't be hurt. It came to the point where she was wrongly accusing him of things that she would sometimes admit she had imagined.

      Watching them go through the process of trying to understand her was heartbreaking, but on several occasions where he needed her, she physically didn't show up to save her marriage. She never explained her inner deep feelings, but just kept saying, "He can't deal with me." To which the reply was, "I can if you would just open up to me." She just stared blankly, looking like a wounded deer caught in headlights.

      It was sad to know how compatible they should have been, he accepting of her problems if she would just try to learn to love their marriage and the comfort it should have brought, while she knew how wonderful he was, but was unable to overcome her incredible trust issues and emotional fear.

      No matter how much he pleaded with her, it finally led to the point where they ended their marriage.

      I am glad that you mentioned the "half you deen" hadith. Many times, Muslims think that as soon as the nikkah is read, it's 'poof' and half of our lives are secure. It doesn't work that way. A scholar explained in a lecture that what the hadith means is that a successful marriage protects half our deen, but that means that we have to nurture and care for our respective spouses everyday of our lives. That uniting in marriage with trust, love and opening up our emotional vulnerabilities to each other is what in essence, protects our faith, because in sharing it with our spouse, no one should ever be able to break that bond including the Shaytan.

      May Allah (swt) grant us ease after hardship and relief after distress. May He also grant you the marriage of unity and love that you deserve, and the same for the rest of us, Insha'allah.

  23. please make islamic wedding peace.

  24. Meet people , make friends , if they ask questions tell them he doesn't want kids or anout his sperm count
    Get out of misery

  25. I got same problem only different is im man so problem is wife side, and we have two kids, im thinking to divorce her but she don want to leave kids by me and i love them so much i cant let them go, the problem is just like the man of the sister mentioned she is 100% like that, we can stay months without fight, as soon i ask for sex we start fighting , even to sleep in one bed with me she don want, as im writing this im sleeping on kids bed and she sleep with kids, plz help what i must do?

    • Why did I even get married .

      I never told anyone this . But after my husband cheated on me . After bringing his Mistress to my house . Did sex in my bed while I was in abroad . After making her (fake pragnent ) which she told me later . Treating me like shit. Making me believe I’m less of a women .
      Saying I can’t even bare children .

      Things got so bad I decided to meet someone .i don’t have any guy friends so this was a big deal for me . My intention was just to have more Friends . I invited him just for cup of coffee . Nothing else .
      But after coffee while he was leaving he hugged me and we kissed . I cried . And he took by my hand and took me to a bedroom. And we had zina .
      I cried so bad. . It felt so wrong . I was crying yet I didn’t want to stop him . I was shocked to see someone being attracted to me . I was shocked to see erected . ..P.. you know. (Coz I don’t remember seeing if for a loooong time)
      My Husband always do it with light off . ( so he can’t see me ). But this guy wanted to see me . He was amazed of my beauty .
      I’m not saying this cause I think I have done something wonderful . I’m shamed of what I have done . I pray next morning for forgiveness. And after that I haven’t met him . (It’s going to be 3 years now ) His still in my Friend circle but I never talked to him after that . I know how to control my self . I’m a type a person who is so committed to husband that I never leaves my own apartment even while his abroad for 4 years . I never cheated or talked to any other guy till that night .

      The point is zina is never an option . I felt so guilty that I had to forgave my husband for he did . ( coz I kinda did that same ) I’m still with my Husband. I know still his cheating on me . I sometimes see marks on his necks.
      Yet I don’t say anything coz i felt bad for what i did .

      i Keep on saying my self I deserve more .but part of me Saying keep on trying on This (Sex less )marriage .

      Ps. Don’t judge others . If you’re not in that situations you will never know how hard is for us Sisters . We have feeling too .

      • Aisha: I felt so guilty that I had to forgave my husband for he did . ( coz I kinda did that same ) I’m still with my Husband. I know still his cheating on me . I sometimes see marks on his necks. Yet I don’t say anything coz i felt bad for what i did ...i Keep on saying my self I deserve more .but part of me Saying keep on trying on This (Sex less )marriage

        Do you mean your husband cheats with other women but there is no sex between you two? What do you expect will happen if you keep trying?

      • Aisha ,

        Its good that you have realized your mistake and repented and never met this guy in 3 years .
        But if you have sexless marriage then you might end up doing zina again even for little arousal ,say for example shaking hands with your colleagues, working with the men etc etc .
        So sex is important part of marriage .You need to talk clearly about it with your husband and if he is not ready to have sex with you then islamically you have right to take divorce .

  26. OP: After making her (fake pregnant) which she told me later . Treating me like shit. Making me believe I’m less of a women .
    Saying I can’t even bare children .

    I decided to meet someone .i don’t have any guy friends so this was a big deal for me . My intention was just to have more Friends . I invited him just for cup of coffee, nothing else ........after coffee he hugged me and we kissed . I cried ...... he took by my hand and took me to a bedroom,,,,, we had zina . ......... I was crying yet I didn’t want to stop him . I was shocked to see someone being attracted to me . I was shocked to see erect. ..P.. you know. (Coz I don’t remember seeing if for a loooong time)

    What is "fake pregnant"? Why do you think that woman told you she had sex with your husband in your bed and is pregnant?
    Did you confront your husband about what that woman sleeping with him.

    Did you invite your guy friend for coffee in your apartment?

    I wonder what you husband is trying to hide by having sex in the dark.

    You two need some serious counselling.

  27. Damn. Where can I find younger women that desire sex within marriage halal way? I am 28 year old South-Asian dude, who is always tempted to fornicate with escorts, since I don't have good enough social skills to attract women for free unlike my teenage days where I had girlfriends and women approached me, but the fear of STDs and sinning keeps me away from it. Plus I registered on muslimah.com , singlemuslim.com, even on minder/muzmatch. Almost every woman on those sites below the age of 28 rejected me. I was married to you I would be getting intimate almost everyday or every other day. What made you marry an Arabic guy by the way? Are there not South-Asian Indian or Pakistani Muslim guys you could have married to? Not saying that all Arabic guys are like your husband, but I find some South-Asian Muslimahs have low self-esteem and end up marrying outside their culture because they think their men are inferior or something.

    • "If I was married to you I would be getting intimate almost everyday or every other day."

      Watch it, brother. This is not an appropriate thing to say to a married woman.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  28. Assalam O Alaikum,

    I was so sad these days and was praying to Allah to show me a way. I came across this page and after reading all the stories I realized that there are so many more people who feel and think same way like me. I feel much better now. I am from Pakistan and came here in US when I was 21. I am now 43. After finishing my college degree of 4 years I started working in a firm FT. My mother was a heart patient and she wanted me to get married soon. I started searching for my husband online. I found Zawaj.com and I found my husband's info there and he seemed like a very decent guy. and we had so many things that were common. After having 2-3 meetings he proposed me for marriage. I asked him to meet my family. He was also from Pakistan and finished his Masters from US and was working in a good company. My parents liked him. He seemed like a very polite guy, nice looking, Engineering degree with MBA from religious Syed family. All was looking like a perfect match.

    His parents were in Pakistan. So, our family decided to do the ceremony in Pakistan. When my family met with his father first time we realized that his father is kind of weird and not so nice. His mother seem scared of the father all the time. My husband then told me that he lived a tough life and his mother also lived an unhappy life because his father is kind of Narcistic. His mother and brother seemed pretty nice people. he has only 1 brother. My mother then was kind of worried. But since everything was decided and my family was already in Pak. it was too late to walk away. I thought may be because my husband saw his mother suffering in marriage, he might have learned a lesson not to live that kind of life.

    We got married and I came back to US with my husband. His job posting was in a different city so I had to move out from NY where I was living with my family. Very soon I found out that my husband has a very bad temper. He raised his hand on me one time after 2 months of our marriage. On a very small matter. He was anti social. He said in anger that he is giving me divorce. I decided to leave at that point but then he realized and was very sorry so we did Ruju after checking with an Imam. In the beginning he used to say sorry to me. I thought because he lived a very tough life and always was worried about his mother may be that's why he is like this. Also he used to show his love and so much compassion to me after Sorry. That made me stay in marriage.

    I became pregnant with our first baby girl. We moved back to NY. My husband used to travel to different cities for work. He rented an apartment near my family. His anger issues were same. When I was 7 months pregnant he raised his hands on me and I called the police. Police came and I took my charges back. I did not want to be a single mother. Since then I am living with him. Now I have 3 kids. My husband raised his hands on me several times and I had bruises all over my body. I called police 4 times on him. But never had courage to take charges against him. My kids saw that abuse. I started working to keep myself busy. He was mostly out of town so that was a big relief for us. My family was my support here. They always told me that I can leave him and they will be my side always.

    We bought a big house. We went for marriage counseling too but counseling only work for Normal people not for people with mental illness. My husband was mentally ill. I realized that very late after having kids. Financially he was strong. He also bought a business under my name and asked me to run it. He took loans under my name. First I was happy but then I realized that it might be a trick of him to trap me so that I don't run away or file for divorce. He now has full control of all our finances. He checks his account daily to make sure that I am not spending or taking any money out. If I do he will scream at me and tell the kids that I am using his hard working money on my family.

    I was working on and off in IT field. But after we bought the business(kids preschool) I worked there for 2 years. I got badly sick one time that I had to go through a surgery. after that I stopped working at all. He took control of business. He asked me many times to go there and start working but I did not want to. He did not pay full for my surgery and now Debt collectors call me to pay $4200 daily. My name is under debt collection agency. He kept his record clean. If I say anything he will yell at me. Business is still under my name and he took loans under my name. We have one joint account. I do not know anything about his accounts. We have 2 houses jointly.

    He had forced sex with me many years. I told him that it is a crime in US. Now after 18 years of marriage. I am still living with him. We have no physical connection from several months. He never went out with me in any social or family gatherings from last 10 years. None of my friends ever saw him. My children are now getting older (girl 16, girl 13, boy 9). My children are my main focus. I have my family live nearby and have few friends. I keep myself busy and just pray to Allah. I came more closer to my creator. I spend most time learning about Islam and getting involved in my masjid. My kids are going to public schools and I am trying my best now to protect them. They know that their Dad has Severe temper. They did suffer too.

    He now shows affection to our kids. He tries to spend time with them sometimes. Kids love him too because they think that their father work hard to earn money for them. My husband tell them that your mother is Lazy and her family is bad. That's the reason he does not meet anyone. I told my story to my older daughter who now probably can understand my situation. She only says to me that leave and divorce him. She tells me that they will be fine even if they have to live with their dad. She says I should not have suffered at first place once I found out that he is mentally sick.

    During all these years. None of his family members ever came to see us. We went to Pak 3 times after marriage with kids. His dad passed way in 2011. His brother is living a happy married life in a different city but he never come to see us. He knows about the mental condition of his brother and he told me on phone that I should go ahead and file for divorce. His mother in the beginning told me about his temper and she came to see us and lived with us 3 times for few months. She also was unhappy about his temper. She said there is nothing she can do. She now live with her older son.

    I also checked with a lawyer about my situation. He said that it will be a tough and expensive divorce unless my husband come to a mutual agreement. I am now worried about my children. I don't have any job. I am not very well health wise plus I still have a young boy who constantly need attention (my 9 year old son). my girl will be starting college soon. Should I keep living under one roof quietly now? He stays away from me now. Since my kids are old so they control him if he gets angry. They also yell at him to stay quite. They protect me if he ever yell at me. I am now 43. I am living like a single mom from many years but I don't have to worry about working. that's the only reason I am still in this marriage.

    I do not know if all this is my test from Allah swt or I was stupid enough to stay in this marriage. I came from a very simple family. I have never seen or heard anything like that before. I thought it is my test. First I used to think that may be I am not good enough to be a wife. I read books on how to be a loving wife. I learned good cooking. I worked hard to make money to help him financially. Nothing worked. I was always blamed to be a bad wife, a bad mother and from a bad family by him. At this point of my life. I do not have any feelings for him. I stay away from him and do everything that make me happy and my children happy.

    Any suggestions??

  29. Aisha, I too went out of my way to care for my husband. We have two homes bought with my money and the kids allowance. He tells people he bought them. I am so lonely that I count the days when my time in this world will be over. I ask Allah daily to send me and my children an angel to love us, comfort us and walk by us. My life and my children's life is ruined. Iknow how you feel. I do not judge any married woman just trying to find a way to get through one more day.

    • I forgot to mention that he gave me second divorce in anger. When I asked an Imam about my situation, he told me that your husband must fulfill his obligations and rights upon you. If he is not doing so then Allah swt gave you this right to take Khula . He also suggested to me that if I can bear all his cruelty and if he stop physical violence then I should probably consider living in marriage by giving up my rights. Because in this world for a single woman who is not financially strong enough will be very hard to live. My husband almost stopped physical violence. But he does verbal abuse sometimes. Like cursing me and my family using extremely bad words. I usually leave the house at that time or lock my room. My kids tell him that he is wrong. It hurts so much by putting my young kids under this situation. I too many times asked Allah to take me away soon. But then I realized that we should never ask for death either. This Life is the only chance to earn Jannah.

      I found peace in my Salah. I read Quran most of the time. I have a degree in computer science and I could have gone to work. But since I feel so depressed sometimes I thought I should just focus in my ibadah and kids. Pressure of work will probably not be good for me. I will probably find easy PT job later.

      • Aisha, often for me, the only sanity is my job where I feel respected, wanted and cared for. It is not easy to find jobs when you are over 40, brown and wearing a hijab( if you do). I am often happy to have a good reason to get out of the house. When my kids were younger and I did not work, I was so depressed. At least now, I see people everyday who appreciate me, thank me for what I do and give me credit for being good and kind, I never got that from my husband or his family. I even encouraged him to start buying gold for his neices weddings when the prices were down and he told me that I was trying to marry off young girls! Now those same young girls are in their 30's and no one wants to marry them because they have nothing to give those girls. But now after 20+ years of verbal abuse and neglect and lies, I could not care less. I have money but I will keep it for my own children. My kids are my responsibility, not the spawn of those who choose not to work and sit around trying to convince people what good Muslims they are, while they wait for welfare checks from my husband. By the way, where do you live Aisha?

        • I live in US. My husband is actually hard working guy. He does have a job. Plus he is taking care of business too. The only problem is his super severe temper. Which he probably got in his genes. He is not religious. But at the same time he seems not to be involved in any Haram either. I don’t know about any affair though. He travels alot so I don’t know if he is involved with someone. He keep all his stuff very secret.
          I know working is a good option to keep myself away from these thoughts plus I will be able to spend on me. I will never rush my daughters to get married unless they are independent and strong enough to take care of themselves.
          Anger and harsh words can destroy any relationship. How much patience a person can have. Alhamdulillah my trust in Allah is so strong that I am no longer afraid of anything anymore.

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